My internal conflict

[emmicd]

I wake up to go to work and I just throw on a shirt and male trousers over a pretty dress. The dress is what I truly like. I feel very conflicted. I want to be me! I want to be that girl I am supposed to be! I want to wear that dress and be happy and feminine!

I work hard during the day, stay out of office politics and keep a low profile, do my job and maintain my emotional balance though I want to cry because I am so sad that I am not the girl yet on the surface and it is hard to be feminine amongst my coworkers so I put on an act or I just live in my shell like I always have!

I start to wonder what transitioning would be like and how others would react. I already have a taste of it when people ask me if I had a tooth pulled because my lip and chin are still swolen from the night before after an hour electrolysis session.

After my work day I go to my other job which is a 3 day a week part time job. I hope that job will become my full time job because it is at a doctor's office where I do accounting work. I feel this would be the perfect place to transition and I feel the doctor I work for would be understanding of my gender dysphoria and sympathetic to my needs in transitioning.

Tonight after leaving his office I notice the parking lot is empty so I remove my male clothing and put on my girly shoes and I am left wearing my beautiful dress, pantyhose and wonderful lingerie. I feel amazing and extremely happy. I get into my car and I drive the hour distance home where I feel so natural. I want to do this every day 24/7 but i am no where near that time yet but it feels so good and so right.

I need more time dressing outside and being true to who i am. When I am at work I feel so trapped in my male clothing and the fake way I portray myself. I present as a guy but I am a girl! I am so conflicted over this.

How do my wonderful sisters here deal with their internal conflict? How does it feel to pretend to be someone you are not and when you get to be who you truly are how does that feel?

How many are living now as the girl they truly are and how many dream to?

I am still dreaming!

emmi

[Kristy_K]

How do my wonderful sisters here deal with their internal conflict? How does it feel to pretend to be someone you are not and when you get to be who you truly are how does that feel?

How many are living now as the girl they truly are and how many dream to?

I am still dreaming!

emmi

It feels awful to lie and pretend to be something that you are not as you know Emmi.

It does feel fantastic to be yourself and not to worry about what you say or how you act or even what others think. I think they call it self acceptance.

I set myself free from over 50 years of guilt and shame when I accepted who I was and transitioned. I have no regrets at all. I now know who I am now and I am very proud of it. It save my life.

I should really say it gave me life and a will to live for tomorrow.

Dreams do come true Emmi. Mine did. Just keep dreaming.

[Jessica_Grl]

I truely can not wait till June 4th, 2012 -- though i have been dreaming and transitioning the past 9months just fine, there was and is times still to this day that my dreams have been interupted by my own conflicts. perfectly good dreams interupted by the fact that the male side -- the side making the paycheck, had to live outloud, and had to open his big mouth and pretend to be a every day, normal, texan male. though i truely feel ready for this next step on June 4th, 2012 this date will truely be the day that i can start my RLE or Real Life Experience - it will be the day i have been waiting for, the day i sit infront of judge, and the day i get my name changed from Michael -- over to -- Jessica

it will be the day, i can truely stop hiding from my old self, and the day i can literly be myself, without having to feel i have to hide around every corner

i think Kristy_K is correct -- " Dreams do come true ...... Just keep dreaming"

Jessica Annette

[KellyJameson]

Have you ever had a nightmare that was so real you did not know you were dreaming and when you woke up you were relieved that it was only a nightmare and not real but than the next night you were scared to good back to sleep because you feared the return of the nightmare ?

When you dress as a woman you are awake, when you dress as a man you are back into the nightmare. You are starting to live and express the identity that is your natural self, the one that was inside covered up by what others taught you to believe that was contrary to how you feel because of who you are. This is for me the internal conflict you refer to.

I was made psychologically sick by being taught that I'm a boy/man so I withdrew from associating with people to avoid this continuing message and this resolved my internal conflict because no one was trying to tell me I was something I was not.

If you have ever been falsely accused of doing something wrong, that sense of rage by the injustice of the false accusation and the confusion of second guessing yourself wondering if maybe they are correct and you are a bad person. Take that and multiply it by a thousand fold when it is about gender identity, I could not take the stress so I only associated with others who were in similar circumstances.

The only time I suffered is when I tried to fix myself by acting "normal" by dating woman leading to incredible psychological conflict, no intimacy equaled no gender confusion but I was stubborn about accepting the truth of my circumstances.

I have largely avoided the social pain of GID by avoiding people, not very healthy and I do not recommend it. I look and dress exactly as I want because I have not built relationships with people who would or could change me and the only time I change my behavior is if I think it may expose me to violence and than I become invisible by blending in.

Pretending around others was slowly killing me, I had no choice but to stop. As far as living exactly as I want only my fear is holding me back. I live with the fear of the unknown contrasted against the pain of not being completely real and it wears on me. I have never felt real so this is a known pain and the pain of the "what if" is not, we shall see which wins out.

[Jessica_Grl]

@ KellyJameson --- Wow, I never thought of it that way before, seriously, hit the nail right on the head, thanks for sharing

[Aprilrain]

I live with the fear of the unknown contrasted against the pain of not being completely real and it wears on me. I have never felt real so this is a known pain and the pain of the "what if" is not, we shall see which wins out.

being a drama queen helps! This is where my propensity to feel suicidal actually served me. I was put in the mental position of having to choose life or death. I don't know if I would have or could have actually killed myself but it felt like it at the time. It was the push I needed to make the next step somewhat guilt free.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Its when your coping skills stop working that the real fun begins...

transition and all that it entails is a massive wall...it can't be climbed, there is obvious foothold to start...it goes higher than you can see... and you have no idea what is on the other side..

how you get to that wall is different for every one of us..

but at some point, you have no choice, you start climbing..the other side has to be better...
Only someone desperate for survival tends to get on and try to climb that wall..one thing is for sure, if you don't start climbing, you go nowhere

Its a risky proposition...and there is no doubt some of us fall off the wall...some get back on, others dont..

for me the one simple thought i had was that i did not want to regret living my life without trying to get to the other side....i kept my "questioning" mind on that one issue...i would not regret my life..

and i spent all of energy on how to get over that wall....in the end, the inner conflict is beaten by focusing on the day to day..otherwise you get overwhelmed by the immensity of that fricking wall...

[Lesley_Roberta]

I can relate to your frustration emmicd, I think in your case the enemy is outsiders and how they would react. In my case it is actually me, my own expectations of how I have to look first.

You are feeling unable to go all the way openly because you worry about how others will react, me, while I am just so demanding of myself.

I don't have any bright ideas sadly, wish I did, I'd use em on myself maybe. But you are not alone.

I so want to get into my proper clothing. I want to stop needing to buy men's clothing at all. It's a waste of good money as I see it.

I look back at Leslie at 20 and he was actually cute. Maybe a bit male type cute, but it was easier deal with than what I have now. In uniform when he was in the infantry he was such a dreadfully baby faced soldier. God he was literally painfully harmless looking. With a loaded rifle aimed at you, you'd still be inclined to break up laughing rather than be afraid of him. 'I'll shoot damnit it I really will. stop that damned laughing!'.

He really misses that innocence in so many ways. At 20 he was as clean as the driven snow. And he wasn't out of shape like this body sure is.
Cross dressing has got to be a lot eaiser for the young.

I see the girls at the highschool my son attended, and the shorts they barely wear, and I ponder, HOW do they even sit in them? God they are just so nothing much to them. I envy them of all that available leg to view. And I have such naturally large upper leg shape too. None of it is fat I can exercise away.

[DeeDee1974]

I just became so depressed that I knew I had to transition or suffer for the rest of my life. I really didn't want to live anymore, but I also didn't want to die. All my life I held back because I was worried about how others would react. Then one day I decided that transitioning was more important and I would rather be alone than living a lie.

I do have some guilt about how I handled it with my ex-wife. She went from not knowing, to finding out I dressed, to me dressing everyday, to me transitioning in a very short period of time. For some reason she is still my best friend.

Do what is best for you, but try to be mindful of others.

[Noemi]

Hi Emmi,

Just getting to this one. You really are putting your heart and soul into your posts, they lift this whole board up with their sincerity. Sincerely LOL!

I look for and read your posts, have just been lying a bit low, working allot.

You sound good. Anyone who can accomplish working two jobs and taking care of a family can accomplish transitioning too. I am rooting for you. You go girl!!
Sometimes that is enough hiding out, my tone sounds light here but I really do mean it. You must be fearless and move forward. You sound like someone who is always prepared and thinks things through.. Anyway my words are not really working that well, maybe need to eat...

♥♥♥
Noemi