What would you do?

[SandraAbsent]

If this was your boss. I really thought everything was going well at my job. Guess not. The following is an email dialog between a very nice co-worker and my boss. This was shared with me via another co-worker. The initial email was sent to our entire department.


From: Aubrey H [mailto:xxxxxx@adamsstreetpublishing.com]
Sent: Friday, April 13, 2012 9:14 AM
To: 'xxxxxx'; 'xxxxxx'; 'xxxxxx'; 'xxxxxx'; 'xxxxxx'
Subject: Reminder



Calendars are now due on Thursday. Only Sandra remembered. Plus he had 4 NSP’s. This is what I was talking about. Thank you Sandra



Aubrey H

Sales Manager

ADAMS STREET PUBLISHING COMPANY


From: Chase M [mailto:xxxxxx@adamsstreetpublishing.com]
Sent: Friday, April 13, 2012 9:16 AM
To: 'Aubrey H'
Subject: RE: Reminder



May want to spell check that email



Chase M

Customer Service Representative

ADAMS STREET PUBLISHING COMPANY



From: Aubrey H [mailto:xxxxxx@adamsstreetpublishing.com]
Sent: Friday, April 13, 2012 9:28 AM
To: 'Intern'
Subject: RE: Reminder



I knew her as a he for over a year. she can deal with a few pronoun slips.



Aubrey H

Sales Manager

ADAMS STREET PUBLISHING COMPANY

[Kerstin]

I would send the boss a copy of the email with the corrected pronoun, and write 'Fixed' at the bottom of it, with a wink.

[Silentpartner GG SO]

Personally I wouldnt give the boss the satisfaction of knowing it annoyed you - some people like to do that sort of thing just to get a dig in when they can. Rise above it - xx

[SandraAbsent]

he honestly has no idea that I am even aware of this dialog.

[Kathryn Martin]

It would be my suggestion to ask for a meeting and clearly and firmly ask that he be appropriate with pronouns. Explain to him that you need him to be an ally in this to ensure smooth transition. You cannot let this go.

I have asked people on the record in Court to get their pronouns straight.

[kendra_gurl]

the last email explained his pronoun slip. I'd leave it at that. If I were your boss I'd be pissed that someone showed you the emails in the first place so leave it be

[Rebecca Star]

If I were your boss I'd be pissed that someone showed you the emails in the first place so leave it be

I'd be even more pissed if my boss was making decisions for me and talking behind my back.

For your boss to speak about you to a co-worker, deciding for you, you'll be ok with "a few pronoun slips", imo needs to be nipped in the bud. While taking the upper road is always a good thing, I think this is one of those times when, for your own transitional well-being Sandra, organising an informal meeting with your boss is a must do.

How you came to get this information is a moot point. The fact it happened is the only issue here.

[Sandra1746]

If your boss continues to misuse pronouns you may want to 'correct' him but if this is a one-off slip it may be more politically expedient to let it slide. People don't like being made to feel uncomfortable, as his e-mail response indicates, and if there is no real gain to correcting him there is no point in embarrassing him. However if it happened in a public meeting then a gentle correction might be a good idea.

In all a delicate situation and you will have to make the call. You know the "office politics" better than anyone here.

Good luck whatever you decide.
Hugs,
Sandra1746

[Traci Elizabeth]

Simple - ignore it! Why make an issue out of it? Would you rather be right or show your boss you are not that thin skinned!

[Lorileah]

File under "whateveh". This is going to happen more in your life. It is nice your co-worker tried to correct it but the thing is it was just a brain slip on his part. I will bet it won't happen with him again but expect it WILL happen from someone else.

[ReneeT]

I definately believe that this needs to be addressed. Since the managers responsed was shared with other employees, he is giving explicit permission to your coworkers to use the pronoun of THEIR choice for you. I do understand that this is a sticky situation, and a lot depends on your stature in the company and your company's response to your transition. One option would be to take the email to your HR director and discuss action. Ideally, HR will address this with the manager. I suspect that, left untended to, this might qualify as a "hostile work environment"

Tough call, though

[mykhelee]

I would look at the relationship you have with the manager in question and take it from there. It could have been an honest slip...

[Aprilrain]

You made a choice to transition in place at work which means people knew you before your transition, be prepared for lots of "slip ups". If you don't want the hassle find a new job.

[Amber Anderson]

I would also ignore it and not make an issue out of it. It's an adjustment for everyone

[Jorja]

I do agree your boss needs to learn to use the correct pronouns when talking about you now days. However, it may have been an honest mistake. I would not make a big deal out of it unless he does it in public. Then give him both barrles.

[lauren_m]

Easy for me to say since I'm not the one that was offended, and don't know the players involved, but the boss did use correct pronouns in his response, and I can't see an overt attempt to be funny, condescending, or passive-aggressive in the original e-mail. I would let it slide, though I would also hold onto the e-mail in case there's an issue down the road.

[ReineD]

You know who you are, Sandra, obviously so does Chase M, and apparently, also Aubrey H who corrected herself (Is Aubrey a female name?).

If Aubrey keeps repeating the mistake then I would address it. Has this happened before?

[Kristy_K]

I would also ignore it and not make an issue out of it. It's an adjustment for everyone

I would have to agree with Amber. People at my work makes that slip a lot in the beginning of my transition. I just tell them that I don't care what you call me because I know who and what I am. Now they seem to try even harder now to get it right. Some of my best friends make a slip also even today 8 months into my transition. I give them credit for trying. I have also work there for over 25 years. I also believe that by me saying that has ease the tension over the subject with them because of all the positive results I have seen so far from it. My male therapist disagree with my thinking about this subject but my female therapist agrees with my thinking.

People are creatures of habits and it can be hard for some people to brake a habit.

[Krististeph]

Good responses, i have to agree in general. But remember you are stronger than any body else's mistakes or comments.

personally, a single letter mistake- i'd pretty much just ignore it.

[Leslie Langford]

What am I missing here?

In the original email from boss Aubrey H, he praises her for being on he ball regarding the calendars, and makes a point of specifically thanking her for leading by example compared with her other co-workers, who didn't show the same initiative. If that isn't acceptance and inclusion, then I don't know what is.

The inadvertent Freudian slip regarding the use of the wrong pronoun was likely a one-off, and doubtless not intended to be malicious. I can understand the OP's sensitivity in this regard considering her personal situation, but at the same time can't help but think that she is over-reacting to an innocent faux pas.

While she has every right to transition on the job within a supportive environment, she also can't lose sight of the fact that everything isn't just about her. By her action in doing so, she has also taken some of her co-workers out of their comfort zone. They are doing their best to deal with a situation that most people are never called upon to encounter, and like her, are learning as they go along.

The key point here is that they are willing to do so and are showing their support in so many other ways, this minor slip-up notwithstanding.

[AudreyTN]

is it worth you becoming unemployed? That's the Golden Question. If you raise a fuss, and you rub your boss the wrong way, then you have a bullseye on your back. If she's known you for a year as a he, then I'm sure it's an incidental slip up, absent mindedness, and it'll get better as time progresses and she gets more used to referring to you as a she.

don't worry about it. Shrug it off and continue on. People need time to adjust, but should it continue on a longer than normal basis, then I would casually say to your boss if you don't mind, would you refer to me as a female, I'm not offended or upset, but I'd really appreciate it. gentle, nice, non-aggressive, low key and reasonable.

[KellyJameson]

Stop by the office and warmly thank your boss for all the support, effort and consideration being shown you. Mention that you realize people will make mistakes initially and you sympathize with how hard it is to change these habits and hope he knows that you understand and that you do not want people to feel like they have to tip toe around or avoid you all together.

I try to give people room to make mistakes because I'm far from perfect but gently nudge them in the right direction in matters of personal dignity and self respect.

[JackieInPA]

Pronoun slips happen, Now if your bass was like "Chuck was the only one who remembered...", but they used your correct name i wouldn't bother with it.

[Rianna Humble]

What am I missing here?

I think that what you and a lot of the other respondents are missing is the boss's response on being picked up very gently by the other co-worker.

A reasonable response to the suggestion of spell-checking could have been something like

"Oops, I missed that one, but after knowing her as him for so long it takes a bit of time to alter the way I think"

By dismissing the mistake as something Sandra should handle, Aubrey is not showing any willingness to adapt.

Unless I am misreading this, Sandra's concern is not so much over the original slip-up but the attitude towards the gentle correction

[SandraAbsent]

Kerstin
I would send the boss a copy of the email with the corrected pronoun, and write 'Fixed' at the bottom of it, with a wink
When the original email was sent out, I did exactly this


kendra_gurl
the last email explained his pronoun slip. I'd leave it at that. If I were your boss I'd be pissed that someone showed you the emails in the first place so leave it be
I suppose you would just have to know this guy. Everyone in the office thinks he's an arse. His explanation for the slip was intended to put himself above the situation. Just the way the guy operates. I am inclined to agree with you though. As a manager in the past, I would be pissed to know this was shared. However I would never use "company email" to express myself like this. Because leaking it out could get several people in trouble, I've decided to just leave it alone. I would emphasize though, that this is exactly the type of interpersonal communication that, from an HR perspective, has placed many people in serious trouble in other companies. It happens often, and is why we have whistle blowing laws.


Aprilrain
You made a choice to transition in place at work which means people knew you before your transition, be prepared for lots of "slip ups". If you don't want the hassle find a new job.
I expect slip ups especially early on. This is normal. Your direct manager is an exception especially after 7 months. He has 8 employees. Part of being management is leadership and taking an active role in your employees work environment to ensure it is one that the employee and company can prosper in. (Side note I am the #1 Account Exec in the company so far this year, despite my transitioning in place.) This example, having the knowledge of the full backstory, was just blatant disregard.


Rebecca Star
I'd be even more pissed if my boss was making decisions for me and talking behind my back.
Exactly. He exempted himself from mutual respect and sent a message that it's ok, because "he" had an excuse.


ReineD
You know who you are, Sandra, obviously so does Chase M, and apparently, also Aubrey H who corrected herself (Is Aubrey a female name?).

If Aubrey keeps repeating the mistake then I would address it. Has this happened before?
Thanks Reine. To be honest, only two people in our company who "make this mistake" and its blatant and frequent. Mark (Co-Owner/Husband to the Co-Owner/Publisher/Attorney) and Aubrey(Male)(Sales Manager).


Leslie Langford
What am I missing here?

In the original email from boss Aubrey H, he praises her for being on he ball regarding the calendars, and makes a point of specifically thanking her for leading by example compared with her other co-workers, who didn't show the same initiative. If that isn't acceptance and inclusion, then I don't know what is.

The inadvertent Freudian slip regarding the use of the wrong pronoun was likely a one-off, and doubtless not intended to be malicious. I can understand the OP's sensitivity in this regard considering her personal situation, but at the same time can't help but think that she is over-reacting to an innocent faux pas.

The inadvertent Freudian slip regarding the use of the wrong pronoun was likely a one-off, and doubtless not intended to be malicious.
Not a one-off thing at all. Do I think the intent was malicious? No. Do I think the disregard for the fact that myself and others in the office may find it offensive and disrespectful is intentional? Yes.


AudreyTN
is it worth you becoming unemployed? That's the Golden Question. If you raise a fuss, and you rub your boss the wrong way, then you have a bullseye on your back. If she's known you for a year as a he, then I'm sure it's an incidental slip up, absent mindedness, and it'll get better as time progresses and she gets more used to referring to you as a she.
Just the way the guy operates. Just last week he suspended an employee for correcting him on something way less important. Not in private, but in front of the entire staff. So "we all got the message." So yea, I'm pretty sure I would get fired over this, and some BS reason would be used behind closed doors with the owners.


Rianna Humble
A reasonable response to the suggestion of spell-checking could have been something like

"Oops, I missed that one, but after knowing her as him for so long it takes a bit of time to alter the way I think"

By dismissing the mistake as something Sandra should handle, Aubrey is not showing any willingness to adapt.

Unless I am misreading this, Sandra's concern is not so much over the original slip-up but the attitude towards the gentle correctionExactly! The fact that this entire discussion is happening "without" my knowledge, leads me to believe that behind the curtain, there really is no attempt to get it right by this guy. The fact that the original email was sent to the entire staff was 100% without a doubt, disrespectful. Its one thing to slip-up in conversation. But in an email you have to consciously type, and visually see "he." Just not professional as a "leader" or manager. The fact that pronoun and name slips in my job could cost me money. What is his disregard happens in front of a client?

I know it sounds like I am super steamed over this, and I am. I'm smart enough to tread lightly though. I know that by me having this information puts me and others at risk. So my decision is to not file it in the "whatever" file, but to file it in the "in-case my lawyer ever needs it" file. In the mean time, just go about my business. Thanks everyone for letting me vent, and for your input. I find the array of responses to be interesting.

Love your guts!
Sandra

[melissaK]

a late comment.

Its "human" for some of us to mess up pronouns and names among people we are familiar with. My mom calls me by my son's name all the time. Her mom called her by her sisters name all the time, and called me by my uncles name all the time. I call my grand daughters by each others names a bunch too.

And for those of us with more than one partner, how many times have we used the ex-'s name on the new partner?

And when one of my groups friends transitioned MTF - all of us in the group repeatedly screwed up the pronoun "he" and "she" in our conversations.

As for using it as legal grievance evidence down the road, certainly keep it in case a pattern of deliberate misconduct unfolds with you and your employer. But standing alone the incident isn't likely to be persuasive to a finder of fact except to prove your boss is human.

Hugs,
'lissa

[Leslie Langford]

...Its one thing to slip-up in conversation. But in an email you have to consciously type, and visually see "he." Just not professional as a "leader" or manager. The fact that pronoun and name slips in my job could cost me money. What is his disregard happens in front of a client?...

I hear what you're saying, Sandra, and thank you for providing the additional background/clarity on this incident to put all of this into the proper context. But I also think that you may be a bit off the mark in applying your own standards and expectations on how emails should be managed.

In principle, I agree with you and fully understand the power of emails and how thay can be misused. Like you, I am also pretty anal about such things, and when I send an email or post to a forum such as this, I always check and double check my facts, spelling, grammar, and punctuation etc., as I believe that doing otherwise would be disrespectful to the recipients/readers. I also make fully sure that I am expressing my thoughts clearly and lucidly to minimize the possibility of any misunderstanding or having my points taken out of context.

But not everyone had that self-discipline, and many fire off texts and emails without thinking them through properly and essentially shoot from the hip. Then, when the excrement hits the proverbial fan, they are dumbfounded by the collateral damage they have caused and then go into major damage control mode. One sees this same type of phenomenon among politicians daily. I once had a boss who never capitalized his words or used proper punctuation in his emails. I guess that in his own mind, he thought that he was too important to bother with such trivialities like the rest of us drones.

I'm not saying that there is any excuse for Aubry for being so casual and obtuse in the way he expresses himself. I'm just saying that he is who he is, and you're not going to change him. No use getting your blood pressure to zoom off the scale - focus on the bigger issues such as keeping an overall good rapport with your boss, and just let this insensitivity slide.

[LeaP]

I think this needs to be addressed as a very basic problem in understanding and eliminating prejudice. You don't need to assume any ill intent. What is reasonable to assume, though, is that because dealing with transition is so unusual, that people are more inclined to waive off such issues and events as understandable. This is not unlike early racial integration, where people would dismiss attitudes and comments despite the effect they had on the minority person.

Prejudice is created and sustained by things like this far more than the really overt things like violence that any reasonable person would condemn anyway. This issue needs to be exposed for the syndrome it is at the management level because they actually don't see that it's happening. The distinguishing feature of this incident is that the communication went to the entire staff. It is NOT the same as a random slip because of its visibility and impact.

[GirlieAmanda]

the last email explained his pronoun slip. I'd leave it at that. If I were your boss I'd be pissed that someone showed you the emails in the first place so leave it be
Exactly! I would leave this alone. Having a job is so precious now. It takes time for people to adjust. Sounds like he is almost complimenting your strength in having to endure transitional inconsistencies. Even if it is semi on purpose by him.

[Raynefall]

a late comment.

Its "human" for some of us to mess up pronouns and names among people we are familiar with. My mom calls me by my son's name all the time. Her mom called her by her sisters name all the time, and called me by my uncles name all the time. I call my grand daughters by each others names a bunch too.

And for those of us with more than one partner, how many times have we used the ex-'s name on the new partner?

And when one of my groups friends transitioned MTF - all of us in the group repeatedly screwed up the pronoun "he" and "she" in our conversations.

As for using it as legal grievance evidence down the road, certainly keep it in case a pattern of deliberate misconduct unfolds with you and your employer. But standing alone the incident isn't likely to be persuasive to a finder of fact except to prove your boss is human.

Hugs,
'lissa

This post hits the nail on the head. The average person is going to slip up on these things. It's not like people transitioning is in any way a "normal" activity that people can just flow with. How often do you hear of someone transitioning that isn't on this site? Not very... It's a slip and should be seen as one.

I have a cousin that was named Johnny.. He has changed his name or gone by something else multiple times since I have been alive. Even though his name is Michael now I still call him Johnny. It has been over 5 years since he last changed his name. Once you are use to something it doesn't just go away.

[Kathryn Martin]

I never assume it is ill intent. But I do believe that a gentle reminder is required
I think this needs to be addressed as a very basic problem in understanding and eliminating prejudice. You don't need to assume any ill intent. What is reasonable to assume, though, is that because dealing with transition is so unusual, that people are more inclined to waive off such issues and events as understandable. This is not unlike early racial integration, where people would dismiss attitudes and comments despite the effect they had on the minority person.

Prejudice is created and sustained by things like this far more than the really overt things like violence that any reasonable person would condemn anyway. This issue needs to be exposed for the syndrome it is at the management level because they actually don't see that it's happening. The distinguishing feature of this incident is that the communication went to the entire staff. It is NOT the same as a random slip because of its visibility and impact.

[Michelle.M]

> I knew her as a he for over a year. she can deal with a few pronoun slips. <

Maybe so, but that does not justify defending the mistake.

The correct answer was "Thanks for catching that! I'll be more attentive in future emails."

[Julia_in_Pa]

Sandra,

There will always be those that will find you less than you were and more than what you tell them.
Ignore his verbal diarrhea.


Julia