At what age do I tell my chidren who daddy is when they go to bed?

[Chazity]

Mychirldren are 3,6,and8two boys and one girl ,she is the youngest.im so worried about my kids seeing me,like more than if someone at work caught me.i dont want them to be infuenced by me ,i dont care what they become,but still dont want to be the cause,i want to figure out for them selves.

[Nicole Erin]

At what age do you tell your kids? Wait til you are at least 35 before telling them.

[Jane G]

Difficult one. Our kids are not kids any more. I never actually told them. they just figured it out at some point. I'm not saying that’s the right way. It was just me being afraid to tell them. They are both fine with it now, though they very seldom see Jane.:)

[Anna Talyn]

We have an infant and I have been going over this questions a lot.
I wonder what message I am sending if I hide this only later for it to be discovered.
I wonder how I can teach acceptance and pride of individuality and creativity and not share.
If my child was older I would choose to wait since it wouldn't have just been part of life.
So now I wonder if I find it shameful along with society, or if I am just trying to spare them pain and struggle, or just wish for a more "normal" view for my child.

I am almost 35 so I guess I better get on this. ;)

[Teddie]

I think my oldest son (35) knows, I think he has found various things on my PC. My youngest boy (33), I think, has no idea. My cousins oldest daughter knows, and that came about because of all the back and forth kidding about girly things.

[sissystephanie]

My late wife was totally supportive of my crossdressing! But we had an agreement that we would not tell our children until they were grown. My wife died 7 years ago, in 2005, and I told both my children in 2006. Their only comment was, "we don't care what you wear, just please don't wear feminine clothes around us!" I do, but it is usually underclothes!

[tonidouglas]

We have an infant and I have been going over this questions a lot.
I wonder what message I am sending if I hide this only later for it to be discovered.
I wonder how I can teach acceptance and pride of individuality and creativity and not share.
If my child was older I would choose to wait since it wouldn't have just been part of life.
So now I wonder if I find it shameful along with society, or if I am just trying to spare them pain and struggle, or just wish for a more "normal" view for my child.

I am almost 35 so I guess I better get on this. ;)

For me I have determined to keep it from them as long as possible for their own protection. I live in an area of non- acceptance. In my mind i construct images of my son being harassed and ridiculed because of the choices i have made. I will never make my children suffer thru that if I can help it. I do not have to imagine very hard the difficulties he would have. We had to change his underware type from briefs to boxers because he was being made fun at school. Kids are cruel and their parent do not fall far fromt he tree around here.

[dana8656]

kids that are school age like to talk, they are free thinkers that can't tell right from wrong (well the younger ones), last thing I would want would be my kid announcing to the class that "daddy wears a dress at night". just sayin'

[Tina B.]

Good question, my kids are in there mid 40's, when do you think I should tell them?
Tina B.

[Jacqueline Winona]

Tell them when there's a reason for them to know. At your children's ages, Chazity, there's no reason at all to tell them. They will love you regardless of what you have on or do, but if you don't want to share this side of you with them there's nothing wrong with keeping your femme side away from them. Remember, if they see it they will talk about it. :)
I don't think there's any one age where you should tell them. Personally, I wouldn't tell my kids before they are done with college, and probably not any time soon thereafter. If you're going out and might be spotted by mutual friends, telling them ahead of time makes sense. If you just stick around home, and the kids live far enough away where they aren't dropping in unannounced, you don't really have to tell them at all. If you just want them to know because this is part of who you are, then use your best judgment as to their maturity.

[Lorileah]

personally, I would have already told them. Younger kids handle it better because they have not been indoctrinated by their peers. The way I see it is if you liked fixing cars would you hide the greasy hands from them? If you liked arranging flowers? If you liked Opera? Other than you yourself believing it is wrong, why should you hide this from them? And when you sneak around what kind of example are you setting? You are basically saying "I am doing something bad and I am not telling you " so how are you going to react to them when they do the same? You are telling them that hiding and lying because you are different is OK.

[charlytuna]

I never told my two but I think, I sure they know since my son come home unexpectly and there I was all dressed and all. He never said anything to me or my wife about but I sure he told his sister. They both grown now [32 30] still never say a word about me dressing and the grandkid stay over. So I guess if they know they are cool with it

[ELIZABETH46]

never, what is the point !!, .....would they "respect" you more ?, or less ?.
let them be kids.
after they are 20 or 30 or 40, they will have a better understanding by ways of education.

[CINDYO]

who's benefit would you be telling them for?? yours... put them first, and be responsible enough to keep it from them.

[Eryn]

In a perfect world you could tell them and everything would be fine.

In the real world, children are the cruelest people on the planet. The secret that they tell their best friend today will be turned against them tomorrow and there is no putting the genie back into the bottle.

We chose not to tell my teen daughters because in telling them we would make them the involuntary caretakers of a secret. One that they would not be able to tell their friends because that information would then find its way back to me in a dangerous way. I have no doubt that they have some inklings of Dad having an unusual avocation, but we've at least given them plausible deniability so they don't have to confront the concept directly.

Since your children are younger, they won't be able to keep the secret and you will be outed, period. Although we know in our hearts that CDing is perfectly harmless and acceptable, your children will find that there are many bigots out there who will turn the information against them and you and upset your lives.

[JenniferR771]

They can cope. At support group at times there were 20 men in dresses, 8 wives, 20 yr old kids and 6 yr old grandkids. Not mine. We got along fine.

My own kids--I told them when they were about 25 and 30.

[CloserthanthisGG]

who's benefit would you be telling them for?? yours... put them first, and be responsible enough to keep it from them.

This is a great question. "Who's benefit would you be telling them for?" Cindy says it would be to your benefit to be telling them though, but I think it could be the opposite. It could be true that many people would be keeping it from them for their own benefit. Simply because they DO talk. Keeping it from them is keeping it from the world, really. So in this case it's to your own benefit you would not tell them. You know what I mean?

My father told me when I was 34, and honest, I wish he'd told me a lottttt sooner. Because it explained his weird behaviour fully and finally. All of his anger, all the drugs, all the seemingly split personality stuff that he may have even been mostly unaware of. I just thought for my whole life that both of my parents were completely insane and feared that it was eventually going to lead to me going nuts completely one day. But now, it all makes sense.

I think the kids have to be ready though. Because if my dad had told me when I was a really young kid, I would have thought it was so cool that I would have had to tell people. I don't think I would have been any more shunned by the other kids than I already was. I was already the weird girl with the weird hair that always wore weird homemade dresses her grandma made (I have always loved my grandma's dresses, but they did make the other kids wonder why I was so different) when all the other kids wore jeans and teeshirts. But I know that my life would have been completely different knowing early on rather than findingout later. I think maybe it built character to have to wonder "Why" so many things for so long...

So basically, I have no answer, but I know that not knowing made me feel just as weird inside as many people think that knowing would have. You just maybe should wait until they actually start questioning things about themselves. Teenager years I think is probably the best time. When they start barely becoming self aware. Would have helped me a lot when I started noticing that all the boys I was attracted to were 6'4" and 135 lbs and looked like female models without boobs. And why I always wanted to dress boys in my clothes. That started at about 17 for me.

[Lesley_Roberta]

Not an easy question. Can someone PM me the answer when it is found? Just so I don't miss it eh.

My son is 18, is in the know, has not seen anything yet (well the fact I have not worn anything yet makes a difference). He's aware dad likes bubble baths more than even mom does, and that I tend to exit the bath smelling pretty. He probably realizes now why dad likes some of the anime I watch.

But I can imagine being caught in a female outfit would be more awkward than being caught with your johnson in mom's mouth in the kitchen (not had that happen though, just an example). Son likely has seen dad and mom having sex though. In fact one night one of his friends dropped my late with 2 other buddies of theirs in tow while I was busy riding ala doggie style. And none of this threw me off my stride and even the wife seemed ok.

But being caught in dress after a night on the town and a few drinks and maybe not on top of your game might sure be problematic.

[CynthiaD]

When you do tell them, don't be surprised if they knew all along. Kids snoop into everything and generally know about everything that's going on around them.

[Kate T]

Chazity

You are quickly finding almost as many opinions on this one as there are members.

I have searched reasonably extensively and it is my understanding there is BUGGER ALL genuine research looking at this. The problem is that there is no real "one approach" fit's all. The one paper I have found interviewed 8 children of CD's and the responses FROM THE CHILDREN were quite varied, approximately half of them either would have preferred or did prefer that they were older when told of their fathers CD'ing, where as the other half were happy they were told at a young age / wished they had been told when younger.

My personal opinion is this. If you want to tell your children you must:
1. Ensure that your SO (and the children's mother if she is not your SO) are OK with telling them.
2. You must be telling them for THEIR benefit. NOT yours. Not so as you can dress more or feel less guilty about dressing. Think long and hard about this one. What do they really gain from knowing that you Crossdress?

I have not told our children (11, 5 and 2 yrs old). The eldest possibly has some idea. The other 2 not the foggiest.

[YorkshireRose]

Mychirldren are 3,6,and8two boys and one girl ,she is the youngest.im so worried about my kids seeing me,like more than if someone at work caught me.i dont want them to be infuenced by me ,i dont care what they become,but still dont want to be the cause,i want to figure out for them selves.


Hi Chazity

My kids are exactly the same age and two boys and a girl, the girl being the youngest as well!

But anyway back to your question. Lots of advice on this thread, so I don't think there is a right or wrong answer, However I agree with Erin and Cindyo. Telling them while they are still young is a massive burden and kids being kids they will tell their friends at school and trust me as Erin has already stated, their lives will be made hell by other kids. I would wait until they are all grown up before you choose to impart this secret to them, I know I wont be telling my kids anytime soon.

Charlotte

[Michelle V]

Chazity:

Some time ago Carrie Davis posted a great poem from her daughter in regards of growing with a crossdresser dad. I don't remember how it went but she is thankful for having the gentler side of dad as Carrie and the strenght of dad as DAD which made her a better person. I also ignore the age she found out about Carrie but whatever age it was it sounds like she did a beautiful job raising her. I have two kids we are not ready to tell them about Michelle yet, my son is very honest and often says it like it is which gets us in hot water more times than not, he is only six. My daughter has seen my wife paint my toenails, her mom tells her I lost a bet or she is practicing on me. Last night we had a close call, we were watching TV in the living room at midnight, Michelle was just getting comfortable when my son woke up from a bad dream and came running in to the room, I had to hide while my wife took him back to bed. It is a gamble, I don't think there is a proper age for this, I just hope I am raising godd kids who have an open mind and will not get affected by who their father is, so my firts priority is being a good loving father and hope that when the time comes my children will be ready to accept me for who I am just like my wife did.
Michelle

[Lesley_Roberta]

Having a wargamer moment here.

You don't merely just tell them, you tell them, and then you explain why they don't tell anyone else. Heck play it up as if it was a secret that only they can know.

Best defense, is a good offense. Don't wait to react, be the one making others react.

I truly believe what I believe regarding sex and sexuality for instance. But I also know I am massively out numbered by the religious mob and their insane notions. So I have taught my son that while I believe what I believe, it has no real value past my door, and he knows what and why I think of the views of religion on the matter.

Wearing girls clothing is going to affect my family just as much as it will affect me. When I ponder the process, I am also always thinking of how it will impact them.
Chances of me dressing in girl's clothing for parent teacher for instance is precisely zero. I'm just not going to do that to him for any reason at all. Chances of me wearing what I want to, to an outting with him out of town, is probably entirely dependent on the specifics of the outting.

I long kidded him I wanted to go as Sailor Moon to Anime North with him as Rini (her daughter) as father son doing mother daughter for the mere laughs of it all. No longer possible though, he was once a much shorter 13 year old, now he's 5 inches taller than me. That, and he did after all say errr that would be a no, dad :)

[Kathi Lake]

First, are you a different person when you go to bed, or are you still you? Second, I would wait until they stop calling you "daddy."

Kathi

[Stephanie47]

What purpose is served by telling anyone, if you are truly going to be secretive about cross dressing? I am assuming your wife will have some input into the conversation. School children can be very cruel to each other. Are you prepared to sort out the issues of bullying, etc that may occur at school? The taunting can be unmerciful. How will your children react? Will it cause stress in the household because they may blame you for the bullying?

If you decide to tell them at all, I'd wait until they are teenagers and can make the conscious decision to keep your cross dressing a private affair. My kids are 31 and 37 and I am assuming neither knows. If they do, they have not said anything. Even at that age I do not think it is fair to reveal my cross dressing to them because it will serve no purpose. I do not intend to prance around in a pretty dress and heels while serving Thanksgiving dinner.

[cathie pantyhose]

my daughter knows I wear pantyhose and tights and quite frankly she doesn't care. Neither know the rest and I dont believe I need to share unless they find me dressed. I'm lucky I guess because I dont dress at night when they all go to bed. I can dress during the day

[Chazity]

WOW!!!!!!This thread has helped so much........i have talked to my wife about this,and she thinks I should wait .she is on the pto at my boys school,and we all know how kids dont keep things seacret.so she doesnt want the whole school knowing.i see her point as well as I see alll of the points on this thread.i know now that it has to do with the different lives of each CD.i thank all of you again you have been a great help lots of huggs to all :-)

[DanaR]

Don't tell anyone unless they need to know. Your wife needs to know, everyone else doesn't.