You are not just your outfit/makeup

[Lesley_Roberta]

Hi I'm in a male body here, I sure don't look like a female, I don't sound like one, after some exercise I won't smell like a female, arroused and suddenly I don't want to be female (Leslie takes over).

I can put on a dress, but then I am more or less a female in a male body in female clothing looking like 'just a crossdresser' and largely discounted as just a crossdresser.

I had my wife put on a random tshirt of mine this morning. I asked her, feel any different? of course not, society couldn't care less about a girl in a man's shirt. I can only imagine a girl wanting to be male has a much easier time of the changing of the apparel. I don't know this to be the case, but it seems to be likely.
But if I put on a bra made for my shape, and a nice top that screams out female, I am immediately going to get stared at if I go no further than those two articles.

And I have been sitting here today, wondering, what to do about the fact that I don't want to get dolled up at all. I don't reeeeeeally want to do the wig and the make up and the fine dress, and the lingerie and the new shoes and a matching purse and maybe a coat (depending on season) just so I can go out on Friday night to a meeting with crossdressers. Or for a daring walk down the street to test my nerve.

I want to be a girl. All day, every day.
But I don't wish to go any further than any actual girl ever does.
I want to have a girl's hair style, but I don't want to look like I just spent 60 bucks on it every time I am seen in it. Maybe sometimes when I actually have somewhere special to go.
I want to wear mundane girl's clothing. Currently I am wanting some shorts, shorts for a girl. I want an ordinary top.
I want to have only done what an ordinary girl would have done after getting out of bed, had a bath, and gotten ready to go outside. And nothing else.

My challenge, look like an ordinary girl. And not be forced to go to extremes just to hide that I have an ordinary male body to put it all on.

But I am not just my clothes.

And that is fortunate.
Because right now, I am sitting here just being an ordinary girl.
I am not wearing anything more than an ordinary guy or girl would have on during a warm day. Middle of winter, I likely would be wearing more.
And I am watching Sailor Moon. And getting weepy eyed over the girly moments.
Sailor Venus just unlocked Crescent Beam Swarm. She was saving a bus load of grade school kids and they were shouting words of encouragement. It bolstered her ability to believe during a tough fight.

And it unlocked something in me too.

Are you a girl on the inside, even if not on the outside?
Are you wearing the clothes as a crutch, or are they 'just clothes'?
Do you wish to wear girls clothes because you are a girl after all, and you need to wear clothes outside, or is it just something to do for the amusement?

I am not seeking to be amused.

[Sharon]

You're right, Lesley, there are no rules as to what you wear or what your appearance is. Transition has no predesignated end point where superfluous matters are concerned, or shouldn't. Do you want to spend an hour every day, applying tons of makeup just so and choosing the most feminine combination of clothing articles possible? That's fine and you are certainly within your rights. The same goes if you dress down, with a minimum, if any, of makeup and non-gender specific clothing.

Male, female, it matters not. And it doesn't matter if you are living the life of the gender biology cheated you of. Many people "out there" have expectations about what is proper attire for men and women, just as some transsexuals have of other transsexuals, but it only matters to you if you allow it to. Transitioning should not have a specific map, detailing every this and that a transsexual has to do in order to fit the model. It should mean that you are becoming who you really are in your heart. The same goes for makeup -- wear as much or as little as you care to.

Personally, my most common attire are jeans, a nice top and sandals, and I may or may not put any makeup on (even when I do, it usually only consists of lipstick.) But every now and then, either depending on my mood or if I'm going someplace special, I will go for it.

There was a popular book written by Marlo Thomas a few decades ago called "Free to Be You and Me." That goes for you and me, too. :)

[Lesley_Roberta]

I think the thing I want to wear most is the term she/her in conversation.

I want my friends to see me as female even if what they are looking at isn't.

[christinac]

The forum needs a like button!!

[Lesley_Roberta]

I sure love my anime (yes I know I mention it alot). But it has taught me a lot (even if that was never the purpose of the show).

I have begun to wonder, if my worries about my crying so readily so easily are from something being 'broken' in me or if in fact it's about something that has just been released in me.

No I don't think girls are 'weepy', but maybe that is my real me.

My hero Sailor Moon she's basically a crybaby among other things. But she is also a person of great heart too. And as I have seen the final show of the 5th season I also know she rises above the challenge, and she defeats the great enemy not from being super strong, but from being able to save the enemy from herself (it was Galaxia for anyone not blessed with seeing the never in North America 5th season).

I want to be able to enjoy girlie attributes and not think of them as flaws of character.

[Jackiefl]

Lesley have you thought about talking to a therapistto try to figure these issues out? I don't want to sound cruel but this is the second post in two different sections of this forum, it makes concerned that you have so much turmoil. I am just concerned for your well being and do not want to offend anyone on this site.

[kellycan27]

Always a girl here, no matter if I am wearing... that LBD with full war paint or jeans, motorcycle boots and a classic leather M/C jacket while perched on my Harley.

[Lesley_Roberta]

Lesley have you thought about talking to a therapistto try to figure these issues out? I don't want to sound cruel but this is the second post in two different sections of this forum, it makes concerned that you have so much turmoil. I am just concerned for your well being and do not want to offend anyone on this site.

Seen a counsellor over this (female) due to see a shrink next month (not sure what he is going to help me with yet though).

This forum has been very helpful, lot of things I just didn't know.

My main problem seems to be dealing with being two people. Not very knowledgable with multiple personality issues. Hoping to see to it I find out more about that.

It doesn't help that both myself and Leslie have something of a great deal of hate for the male gender.

[Aprilrain]

In order to be seen as and treated as a woman you need to look like one, that is the unfortunate truth and the reason why so many of us spend our life savings on FFS. One can not dismiss the importance of losing the facial hair too! My life has changed since my surgery, make up is an option just like any other woman. The clothes i choose to wear are largely depend on the weather and what I might be doing though I prefer dresses or skirts they are simple cotton and very casual it's just what I prefer.

[Raynefall]

First off I would like to say that I LOVE Sailor Moon. I used to watch it as a kid and think... I wish I could be a pretty girl like they are. Though of course these thoughts didn't register in my head until about 8-9 months ago.

Secondly I get what you are saying. It is part of the reasoning behind me having never left the house while dolled up. Because no matter what I do my body is still masculine as well as my voice. But what makes it weird is that I have never really cared of what people think about me. So why is this so hard? I get looks every day for just having shoulder length hair. I have had someone at my old job mistake me for a woman because of my hair. So why? It's because the difference between just having long hair as a guy compared to looking like a female but being a male is a big jump. I can only assume that living where I do I will get terrible comments. A lot of evil teenagers and rich snooty people live in/around Littleton.

Now... I do feel like a girl on the inside. There is no better feeling to me than having my gf treat me like I am feminine and beautiful even when I am not. While I have never gotten the nerve to wear clothes outside (other than on my apartment balcony) I wear them for a reason. I wear them because whenever I don't have them on it makes me feel uncomfortable and just not right. Even if they aren't out in the open and I am underdressing. I just don't feel okay without them. The thought of never transitioning and being able to wear what I want whenever I want completely scares me and makes me depressed.

So to sum everything up... I am a girl. I just wasn't given the correct body. While an outfit and make-up help me to look more like a girl it doesn't matter.. I am a girl on the inside no matter what.

[Bree-asaurus]

Seen a counsellor over this (female) due to see a shrink next month (not sure what he is going to help me with yet though).

This forum has been very helpful, lot of things I just didn't know.

My main problem seems to be dealing with being two people. Not very knowledgable with multiple personality issues. Hoping to see to it I find out more about that.

It doesn't help that both myself and Leslie have something of a great deal of hate for the male gender.

I don't think you have multiple personality issues at all. I think you are struggling with accepting who you really are, and you are trying to classify and separate these personal traits into two separate characters. You need to realize that you are who you are. It's not a separate personality that has female traits... it is YOU. And maybe some of those male traits you have are just there for show, and maybe not you at all.

[Aprilrain]

People with Multiple Personality Disorder don't know they have it! LOL, I think Bree is right.

[LeaP]

I don't think you have multiple personality issues at all. I think you are struggling with accepting who you really are, and you are trying to classify and separate these personal traits into two separate characters. You need to realize that you are who you are. It's not a separate personality that has female traits... it is YOU. And maybe some of those male traits you have are just there for show, and maybe not you at all.

I made a crack to my therapist about multiple personalities at one point. The funny thing was that she responded with the dissociative disorder assessment she had already made (not a problem for me)! Some patients do show up where the primary issue is dissociation and not gender, as it turns out, and a well-educated gender clinician is trained to look for it.

[elizabethamy]

my therapist, who's not a gender expert, ruled out multiple personalities in minutes. that's tv movie stuff. compartmentalization -- referring to the feminine self by a different name, etc, is not only typical, it's actually helpful in sorting out what's going on. so you can "be two people" for role playing/analysis purposes, but don't think it means you're up for a part on the United States of Tara...

elizabethamy

[Kristy_K]

I don't think you have multiple personality issues at all. I think you are struggling with accepting who you really are, and you are trying to classify and separate these personal traits into two separate characters. You need to realize that you are who you are. It's not a separate personality that has female traits... it is YOU. And maybe some of those male traits you have are just there for show, and maybe not you at all.

I would have to agree with Bree also.

It is not easy to accept ourselves sometimes so we make excuses to deal with it.

It is only when you do accept who you that you can really enjoy life.