Simply Joslyn
05-21-2012, 01:50 PM
Well I'm gonna be honest and say I'm pretty new to this, so try to give me a little leeway here if you can. I have alot of questions and few answers so I'll probably be all over the place for awhile.
Ok, well I'll start by telling what its been like to find myself. I've lived in northern nj all my life, no matter where I was though I didn't feel I fit in, I felt nervous, anxious, and lost. I spent most of my younger life asking myself questions like who am I, why am I here, what point do I serve in the grand scheme of things, why was I not someone else, or in a different time. I was often picked on in school, I guess because I was weird to them all, and a few years of feeling like the lowest pos on the planet, I just shutup, I became anti-social, I hid from conversations, and worst of all I hated myself. Why me I would ask, who did I kill in a past life to deserve this one, why not just end it right here, but something inside me told me to hold on to fight it, to live. I always just thought I was crazy, why else would people not want to be friends with me, and after all my head was always filled with more thoughts than words to express them.
Around when I was 13 I saw my mother and older sister putting old bins with clothes in my closet, after all I'm a guy what do I need a closet for. Something that night clicked in my head, said do it go for it. And so I did, and this rush, this feeling, I looked in the mirror and for once I didn't feel hated, I didn't feel I hated myself, I felt happy and for once like something was right. And yet I hated myself for it, what the heck is wrong with you, you must be messed up, you should just end it you aren't worth it, your broken. But I couldn't let go of that feeling and so I began to dress quite frequently, I would purge often, and hate myself for it later, and still I thought why do I care. Its taken over 6 years to come to grips with myself, I no longer feel the hate, the anguish, but I felt nothing, I felt lost, but the dressing still remained, and then I came here. It surprised me, all the stories and people. And I met some friends one of which sent me a wig, and when it arrived I immediately slipped it on, shoulder length brown my natural color, and I looked in my mirror, and finally saw what piece was missing all my life, her. The side I bottled up and hid within me, and there it was me but not me, someone different, someone comfortable, someone who knows who they are. And I continued to look and realized it was me and noone else. And I felt that comfort wash over me, that knowing.
And so I felt I finally knew where to go with my life, and so I came here, it took a little for me to get the courage to talk about it, but I knew I had to. I'm sorry this was so long I just needed it out of my system, but let me know how you found out how you knew, I still have at least a year till I head out and make my decision permanently, but I feel I know now.
Ok, well I'll start by telling what its been like to find myself. I've lived in northern nj all my life, no matter where I was though I didn't feel I fit in, I felt nervous, anxious, and lost. I spent most of my younger life asking myself questions like who am I, why am I here, what point do I serve in the grand scheme of things, why was I not someone else, or in a different time. I was often picked on in school, I guess because I was weird to them all, and a few years of feeling like the lowest pos on the planet, I just shutup, I became anti-social, I hid from conversations, and worst of all I hated myself. Why me I would ask, who did I kill in a past life to deserve this one, why not just end it right here, but something inside me told me to hold on to fight it, to live. I always just thought I was crazy, why else would people not want to be friends with me, and after all my head was always filled with more thoughts than words to express them.
Around when I was 13 I saw my mother and older sister putting old bins with clothes in my closet, after all I'm a guy what do I need a closet for. Something that night clicked in my head, said do it go for it. And so I did, and this rush, this feeling, I looked in the mirror and for once I didn't feel hated, I didn't feel I hated myself, I felt happy and for once like something was right. And yet I hated myself for it, what the heck is wrong with you, you must be messed up, you should just end it you aren't worth it, your broken. But I couldn't let go of that feeling and so I began to dress quite frequently, I would purge often, and hate myself for it later, and still I thought why do I care. Its taken over 6 years to come to grips with myself, I no longer feel the hate, the anguish, but I felt nothing, I felt lost, but the dressing still remained, and then I came here. It surprised me, all the stories and people. And I met some friends one of which sent me a wig, and when it arrived I immediately slipped it on, shoulder length brown my natural color, and I looked in my mirror, and finally saw what piece was missing all my life, her. The side I bottled up and hid within me, and there it was me but not me, someone different, someone comfortable, someone who knows who they are. And I continued to look and realized it was me and noone else. And I felt that comfort wash over me, that knowing.
And so I felt I finally knew where to go with my life, and so I came here, it took a little for me to get the courage to talk about it, but I knew I had to. I'm sorry this was so long I just needed it out of my system, but let me know how you found out how you knew, I still have at least a year till I head out and make my decision permanently, but I feel I know now.