"caught" what a relief

[JamieQ]

I was about to leave for work this morning when my wife asked where the florescent green panties she found on the walk in closet floor came from. I left them there on purpose. She asked me if I was becoming a girl again. We didn't have time to talk so I kind of blew it off and said it came from the clothes in the box. I had just been looking for a pair of pants in the box that were made smaller. We were going to send them overseas but since I just dropped 20 lbs. I thought that they would fit. I asked about an EX pair of boxer looking underwear in the box and she said I could have them or we could send then. At first I thought they were mens but they are womens, so I put them on and went to work.

She knows I did CD and now she knows I resumed, but not to the extend that I do now. I have decided to move about 6 pr of panties (not too fancy) to my underwear drawer and tell here I want to be open and not hide them anymore. I am 99.99% sure this is the way for us for me to initiate coming out. :) Amanda

[Momarie]

How considerate to lie, blow her off and lay booby traps for your wife on the closet floor.

But as long as you feel better and are relieved...that's all that really matters.

[BRANDYJ]

As you can tell from Momarie's response, this is not the best way to go about it. Why not sit her down and tell her how you feel. The truth will set you free. But putting things in your drawers for her to find is not giving her a choice to express her feelings about it. Kind of forcing it on her. No good can come from it. I wish you luck.

[Ressie]

I know it's a difficult thing to bring up, and it may put too much stress on your marriage. But, you should talk calmly as a logical adult about your desires with her. The truth will set you free, but there will be an adjustment period no matter how she reacts.

[JamieQ]

Okay...wow...now... I am not sure how I should proceed. Thanks for the quick replies! I see that I really need to rethink this, I just didn't have the time this morning. I was going to initiate it by telling and showing her the underwear drawer and go from there. Hummm... Amanda

[BRANDYJ]

Okay...wow...now... I am not sure how I should proceed. Thanks for the quick replies! I see that I really need to rethink this, I just didn't have the time this morning. I was going to initiate it by telling and showing her the underwear drawer and go from there. Hummm... Amanda

Telling??? How about asking her instead. Telling is like pushing it on her. Asking her if she can accept this part of you shows you care about her feelings.

[April Lyn]

Ok, maybe not exactly the way everyone here would do it, but as someone newly out, I can definately appreciate that these conversations can at times be a little difficult to initiate and sometimes something like that could be just what is needed to start a conversation. Good Luck Amanda.

Hugs, April

[Barbara Ella]

You have initiated the conversation by your actions, letting her find the panties. Dont push or demand or tell. Bring up the fact that she found them, and ask her what her level of acceptance of you dressing is at the present, and that you are finding it increasingly difficult to continue doing what you are doing. Bring her into the discussion, and make her a part of the decision.

Barbara

[Momarie]

I am sorry to have sounded so harsh.
Taking the time to rethink is always a good idea.
I am sure she will appreciate your thoughtfulness.

[Eve II]

Tell her - "No, I'm not the girl again - I'm the new woman, so deal with it!" Put on some lacy panties, push-up bra, nylons and one of her dresses and strut around the room because you own it. That will be a great way to start the divorce!
Think about what's going on, you have to sit down with her and both talk about each persons feelings. Discuss what both of you need and want & compromise those feelings and needs (unless you want a split).

[MandyGG]

Wooooo! Eve!!! If I wouldn't have finished reading that.....wooooo! I was fluffing like a cat about to pounce!! Lol!

Just as everyone else has said, this "might" not have been the very best way to open the pandoras box, but you did. Now you have to use caution and care when proceeding. It is not an easy conversation, but I haven't met anyone who has died from it yet. Be considerate, be compassionate, and be honest. Good Luck.

[JamieQ]

Okay... had the talk., tears and all... Shes not mad or upset at all. She thinks I need to try to stop CDing. I tried to explain since I was dressed up as a girl by my sisters from infancy to age 12, that I don't think I could ever stop. I tried to explan it is not a disease or any mental issue. Shes says it is okay for boy children to dress up to make one self "happy", like most of her relatives did. I couldn't get it across to her that that is exactly what I am talking about as an adult.

She claims she had no idea. It is a relief presently. I think this is opening up communication on the subject. I think she will eventually accept it to some degree when she is educated about it more, such as "no cure for it".

Thanks for all your support and advise...Amanda

[MandyGG]

Please invite her here. I am happy that she isn't mad, but she absolutely has to understand that it is a lifetime commitment on her part and NOT something that can just "stop".

I hope the communication doors stay open, even when there are tears and hurt feelings. I am so happy to hear that it went as well as it did!

[Jenniferathome]

Amanda, I have to comment that this is a really bad way to disclose to your wife. Hinting, then denying,then acting out, what will you tell her when she asks about the panties in your drawer? Will you lie about it? You are setting yourself up for failure. If you lie x times and finally come clean, how can she believe you are now telling the truth? You are on a slippery slope. Because she knows about your crossdressing already, why not come out completely? Get the weight off your shoulders. You clearly want to be out.

[BRANDYJ]

Amanda, I'm glad you decided to talk. it sounds like it went as well of not better then many that have the talk with their wife. Give her time, and whatever you do, don't push it. Just show her love and appreciation and as open and honest to her questions as you can be. Please ask her to join here. it will help her sort through her feelings.

[janet54]

Brandy. Your advice on this post is dead on. I could not agree more.

[Jacqueline Winona]

Well, Amanda, that's one way to start the conversation! Good luck, don't be surprised if the level of acceptance you seek isn't there initially. She may still be in shock right now from finding out, when things settle down she might have more to say, so please be prepared to have the talk again.

[Babeba]

Amanda,

Of course if you sneak around, dropping panties from the early 90s on the ground for her to find, she is going to treat you like this is some childhood thing taken too far! Try looking at the 'how to tell your wife' thread, and the thread called 'sometimes I like it, sometimes I don't' that is a sticky on the loved ones pages. Print them out, even. Use them to talk about how this is a part of you. Be honest about where you are with your dressing. I can think of nothing worse than thinking you were all done adjusting, only to find out six more things about your partner.

[deebra]

AmandaQ let me contribute another way of looking at your situation, that said BrandyJ and Barbera gave excellent advise about talking with her, educating her about CDing and not being to fast and pushy; HOWEVER let's not forget your wants, desires and needs, you as a human being have the right to acquire your personal wants and needs without forgoing those just because a wife or anyone else doesn't like your choices. Why on earth is a man wearing something as personal as panties such a big deal, it's just an individuals choice and they are hidden. Your wife and all the other women wear panties because many years ago a male designer decided I'll design some soft, sexy, skimpy, colorful underwear and since women buy more clothes than men I'll call them womens panties, put them in the womens section of department stores and they will buy them; end of story. If he had put them in the mens section, women wouldn,t be wearing them today; or would they and it would be O.K. because women are allowed to do this, after all they aren't CD's when they wear mens clothing, are they? So when she steps into her panties every morning shes wearing what a strange man has told her to wear. We all know CDers are born with this need to dress and it just gets stronger; your wife telling you to stop is the same as not allowing you to drink another beer the rest of your life just because she said so. I say don't be a wimp, proceed as is said at the top of this post but you donot have to submit to every thing as she sees it so if after you have talked with her (as you have done) putting 6 pair of plain panties in your drawer and wearing them is not 9-11. Al lot of women respect a man for standing his ground and not letting them control him and everything else.

[Stephanie47]

I think it is necessary to talk about a desire to cross dress and be en femme as much as your inner woman needs. Boundaries need to be negotiated and respected. It is not good to be militant about cross dressing or any issue in a marriage. Living in a DADT marriage has its benefits, if neither spouse breaks the rules. I do not believe your wife or most wives are as unsuspecting as we like to think. I'm in a DADT marriage. My wife knows because she has found on occasion a panty or bra laying around. Or my breast forms, er... unpopped water balloons in the sink! :( Someday in my DADT marriage my wife is going to find my wardrobe which is "hidden" in plain sight. Then I will need to explain 83 dresses, over 350 full slips, scores of panties, tens of bra, and the goddesses know what else! Ugh! If your wife wants to listen, great. If she wants to hide from it, not so great! This week seems to be a blow up in your face week on this site! Not good!

[rian]

Keep on pushing girl ...till you arrive at sharing every thing with her .....but be careful how you present your case ...to her ....do not seperate your drawer ...keep hers anf use it till she get to accept the Idea you share with her ....that will be easier to adapt ...that what I did ...especially if you have kids ..then no way ...you cannot seperate ...or else every body will notice ..

[Beverley Sims]

Lots of discussion and try participation in the problem as well.
Tell her what your problem is and try and meet half way on the negotiating field.
Don't push too hard but steer her towards your way of thinking.

[reb.femme]

Hi Amanda,

I came out by getting busted in her nightie and gown. I didn't tell the whole truth immediately as I was shaking like a leaf, made out like it was only the lingerie that was my thing. However, one not so whole truth is no use. I left it for a short while, thought about what I would say, using Jennifer's (Jenniferathome) letter as a template and then started with, "When you caught me that day, I didn't tell you the whole truth".

Total honesty, for me, was definitely the right policy. If she cannot accept what you tell, at the very least, you will have been truthful.

Rebecca x

[JamieQ]

We are both home today and life seems to proceed as normal. I did not yet put 6 panties in my drawer, that wil be on hold for a while. I am not sure of her response by claiming she had no idea. She had seen me in some of her nighties and hose and she explained to me the proper way to wear a few things and then we took them off, but thats been many years ago. Throughout today I can feel the urge to CD growing expotentially. Is that normal after haveing a talk and trying to come out? Amanda

[MandyGG]

Throughout today I can feel the urge to CD growing expotentially. Is that normal after haveing a talk and trying to come out? Amanda

Welcome to the beginning of the Pink Fog! The wives know it well! LOL!! Please watch yourself during this and keep a level head. Just because she is starting to become accepting is not an open door to go overboard!!

[natacsha]

Hi Amanda. Sheesh!! These girls and girls are letting you Have It!! I feel kinda bad for you. The way i see it is this: she knew it existed, you wanted to keep it away for her sake, Amanda could not be denied and now you wanna let her out to your wife again. I totally get it!! I dont condone lying on any level but this isnt the easiest subject to tackle and i think everyone has their "method" of opening up.....again. hey, you tried to please her all that time by denying yourself.....so instead of completely shocking her, you leave a little clue. I understand that too. I say as long as the truth is coming out then go at your own pace...only you can judge that...after all, you didnt cheat on her. I find it hard to fault you for anything here. That's just me though. All the best sweetie! Ciao:hugs:

[JamieQ]

I have never cheated in the 20 yr of marraige. I know holding this secret is like lying, but I just could not hold it in any longer. I done everything and anything for her and I still will. I came to the conclusion that life is short so I better start doing things for myself. Yeah I had alot of varying advise here.

I work alot with immigrants I am often asked for advise. I try to give it, but I always end this way, "If I were you this is what I think you should do, but I want you to know that there are probably just as many out there that would give you totally different advise. There are many who would not agree with how I do things, in as much as I do not agree how they do things. Thats life, see what works for you". I quit giving advise...they almost always will not follow it any ways... Amanda

[deebra]

Yes, that urge to go further with your CDing is normal now that you've outed your secret with her. It's not a secret you have to hide and contain anymore and you are wanting to enjoy CDing as much as you want, unrestricted. You are not going anywhere if you do not go forward with this, put the panties in your drawer and wear them, she'll come around to acceptance if you tell her how much pleasure they bring to you by wearing them. Tell her you have the same appreciation and receive the same happiness and pleasure of wearing soft, pretty, sexy lingerie that women enjoy and there's nothing wrong with it. It's just a softer side of you she didn't know was there.

[2B Natasha]

Yes, that urge to go further with your CDing is normal now that you've outed your secret with her. It's not a secret you have to hide and contain anymore and you are wanting to enjoy CDing as much as you want, unrestricted. You are not going anywhere if you do not go forward with this, put the panties in your drawer and wear them, she'll come around to acceptance if you tell her how much pleasure they bring to you by wearing them. Tell her you have the same appreciation and receive the same happiness and pleasure of wearing soft, pretty, sexy lingerie that women enjoy and there's nothing wrong with it. It's just a softer side of you she didn't know was there.

Really? Your advice is to ram it down her throat with no consideration of how she feels. How she is processing it. Don't take her shock surprise or emotions into account at all. Just do it your way and da gump she'll come around. Wow! Doctor sherry asked a question about CD's living in a fantasy or not. I think I have my answer now.

[2B Natasha]

Yes, that urge to go further with your CDing is normal now that you've outed your secret with her. It's not a secret you have to hide and contain anymore and you are wanting to enjoy CDing as much as you want, unrestricted. You are not going anywhere if you do not go forward with this, put the panties in your drawer and wear them, she'll come around to acceptance if you tell her how much pleasure they bring to you by wearing them. Tell her you have the same appreciation and receive the same happiness and pleasure of wearing soft, pretty, sexy lingerie that women enjoy and there's nothing wrong with it. It's just a softer side of you she didn't know was there.

Really? Your advice is to ram it down her throat with no consideration of how she feels. How she is processing it. Don't take her shock surprise or emotions into account at all. Just do it your way and da gump she'll come around. Wow! Doctor sherry asked a question about CD's living in a fantasy or not. I think I have my answer now.

[Marsha My Dear]

Hi all, there's just a couple of things I would like to offer. I have been married nearly 27 years now. And AmandaQ, having been together for a good long time, I'm sure you know the value of trust. I opened up to my wife soon after we began dating by writing her a long, comprhensive letter. After the shock wave had passed (she said she knew there was something different about me anyway) she accepted that Marsha is not gay and has no interest in passing or going out. Wonderful person that she is, she has no problem with me dressing, she just doen't want to be a part of it. We talk about Marsha openly. She's even kind enough to buy a piece of clothing or a shade of nail polish she thinks I might like. But if she ever suspected I was hiding something- anything- from her, it would crush our marriage. I'm not about to do anything to jeopardise our relationship. I would only suggest that you try to enlist her as your friend (and co-conspirator) without aggravating her. She would make a far better ally than an enemy. Best of fortune!

[Marleena]

I just thought of Pepto Bismol (sp?) stupid advertising slogans.:D best of luck Amanda.:)

[JamieQ]

Well if I had it to do over (years ago)... but hind site is 20/20. We were in a unique situation when we got married. I cannot elaborate much but due to the circumstances then I think she would have agreed to almost anything... but anyway life goes on... in many aspects I am grateful how most things are... I would just like to add something... Amanda