What exactly does it mean to transform?

[natacsha]

I have been battling with myself for so many years and it was known to everyone about 15 years ago but she has been in between hibernation and keeping it a secret since back then and no one asked and I never told.

As of recent, in my attempt to understand and Accept this, I have done some of the following over the past few weeks... I have decided to start letting it out again but only to very select few....ie: this forum (lol), telling 4 of my closest friends and my cousin. Thats about it as far as getting it out into the open. But it's enough cause I communicate with these people regularly. So them knowing is a big thing for me.

As many of you have seen, I have been spazzing out lately and I am finally starting to come back to my senses. But that's just the thing. I was explaining it to a friend and I can only think of the (pick one) movie where the person walks through the clear plasma wall and ends up on the other side of the universe...you know, like a time warp capsule wall type thing...beam me up scottie!! So I feel like what was happening to me was similar to that of walking through that plasma....feelings of anxiousness and nerves trembling throughout my body unlike anything I have ever felt, depression, and lasted for about a month. All this after coming to the realization that I am finally accepting this as a part of me and has completely turned everything in my life around in an amazing way. I was always a happy kinda person but now it's just like ending up on the other side of the universe. and I love it!!! About 3 days ago I woke up without the horrible feelings of being out of control. I finally felt at back at home...but in a new home. Ironically I haven't felt the need to dress during that "period of adjustment". I wonder why.

Can anyone relate to this? Just remembering when you decided to finally ACCEPT it and how it made you feel or what you were going through during that time?? what happened in the following weeks/months/years....?? I'd kinda like to have an idea of where this is going. I only know now that I am not gonna deny this side of me anymore. But I also have come to embrace my male side as well. Or, is this me saying good bye to that? Doesn't seem like it but Any input would greatly help. Thanks girls.

P.S. I just wanted to thank every single one who has read and responded to me when I needed some help the most!!! You all know who you are so thank you sooo much for all the advice, comments and all those goodies!! XOXOXOXOXOX

[natacsha]

oops...it posted twice?? sorry about that

[Kate Simmons]

Bear with it Hon. You will find that there is a purpose to all of this . You are who you are for a reason.:)

[sarahcsc]

Can anyone relate to this? Just remembering when you decided to finally ACCEPT it and how it made you feel or what you were going through during that time?? what happened in the following weeks/months/years....?? I'd kinda like to have an idea of where this is going. I only know now that I am not gonna deny this side of me anymore. But I also have come to embrace my male side as well. Or, is this me saying good bye to that? Doesn't seem like it but Any input would greatly help. Thanks girls.

P.S. I just wanted to thank every single one who has read and responded to me when I needed some help the most!!! You all know who you are so thank you sooo much for all the advice, comments and all those goodies!! XOXOXOXOXOX

Hi natacsha,

There's a big difference between accepting and telling others about your CDing. I have learned to accept my CD a long time ago but it was finding the courage to tell others that I found challenging. Sure I guess you can argue that telling others is part of "accepting" your CD, but I have had no doubts about my identity and sexuality from day 1. But coming out was definitely an issue.

Everybody feels distressed for various reasons. Some fight with their very identity by denying the fact that their CDers when they clearly are, while others have accepted CDing as part of themselves but frantically tries to hide it from the world. Both of them will struggle to varying degrees, although some carry their secrets to their graves (I have no doubt some do). The internet has brought us all together in a way that allows us to express this part of us, its a form of validation.

I can remember the time I came out of my ex-girlfriend and we broke up. That was it. Sacrifices were made, and it has to be done. But yeah... what came after was a huge relief, as thought a boulder been lifted off my chest. I realized it wasn't that bad and it wasn't the end of the world. And things just started taking form over the following weeks to months and Sarah started to come out slowly.

I like to think that Sarah and my man side are different people altogether. And when Sarah comes out to play, the entire persona goes with it. She thinks, acts, moves, feels, and above all, looks like a girl. Of course its artificial, but I think what's important here is that Sarah be treated like a lady, and not just a CD. And in order for that to happen, she needs to behave like a girl too. And when Sarah is done playing, I put on my man clothes and get back to my usual life. But having said, I always leave a piece of jewelry on me to remind me that Sarah is with me, ALL the time. :)

[natacsha]

Hi natacsha,

There's a big difference between accepting and telling others about your CDing. I have learned to accept my CD a long time ago but it was finding the courage to tell others that I found challenging. Sure I guess you can argue that telling others is part of "accepting" your CD, but I have had no doubts about my identity and sexuality from day 1. But coming out was definitely an issue.

Everybody feels distressed for various reasons. Some fight with their very identity by denying the fact that their CDers when they clearly are, while others have accepted CDing as part of themselves but frantically tries to hide it from the world. Both of them will struggle to varying degrees, although some carry their secrets to their graves (I have no doubt some do). The internet has brought us all together in a way that allows us to express this part of us, its a form of validation.

I can remember the time I came out of my ex-girlfriend and we broke up. That was it. Sacrifices were made, and it has to be done. But yeah... what came after was a huge relief, as thought a boulder been lifted off my chest. I realized it wasn't that bad and it wasn't the end of the world. And things just started taking form over the following weeks to months and Sarah started to come out slowly.

I like to think that Sarah and my man side are different people altogether. And when Sarah comes out to play, the entire persona goes with it. She thinks, acts, moves, feels, and above all, looks like a girl. Of course its artificial, but I think what's important here is that Sarah be treated like a lady, and not just a CD. And in order for that to happen, she needs to behave like a girl too. And when Sarah is done playing, I put on my man clothes and get back to my usual life. But having said, I always leave a piece of jewelry on me to remind me that Sarah is with me, ALL the time. :)

Hey Sarah. When I first started heavy into it with make-up and the whole nine, I loved it sooo much but I can't truly say that I accepted it at that point. It was more a fetish gone wild. Although I knew it was a part of me, I rejected the idea of accepting it completely. Now, after all of about 15 years, at a time where the pink fog isn't even weighing heavy..at all...I'm actually interested in learning more about it and more importantly, myself. I have learned so much just by reading here and trying to retrace my past memories to only find out that this girl was inside me from the very beginning and in a very strong and powerful way. I just never accepted it as anything other than a guy with more femininity than most. but not just physically, mannerisms, gestures, now people are telling me that I always talk with my hands...heard that a few times now since I opened up to my friends...and the ever elusive bi-curious side of me that now accepts the notion of being bisexual (another major factor that I was trying to accept through this whole process). It's a lot that I've really been putting myself through and I'm just feeling so much more at ease now that my mind and body feel more in sync with reality. It's not over, I know that I need to venture out into the world before I can truly understand where it will take me. But I'm much more accepting of that now. It was mentioned to me as finally giving in or laying down. I disagree, I think that it's more a challenge I had to stand up to rather than lay down. That make sense? So, yesterday in Psych. we're reading on a man named Carl Jung. Interesting to hear his take on the human psyche...Anima and animus....to those who don't know, those two words represent the female side in men and vice versa. then I stumble upon this article and it blew me away, but I have to quote a certain part and you'll understand why after reading......"Your soul-image will lead your conscious ego safely into the unconscious and safely out again. When Theseus needed to penetrate the labyrinth in Crete in order to slay the monstrous Minotaur, the fair Ariadne, with her thread, enabled him to go in and find his way out again. If we follow Jung and translate this story into psychological terms, the labyrinth is a symbol of the unconscious, the monster is the frightening and threatening aspect of whatever in our unconscious has been neglected and has therefore 'gone wild'; the slaying of the monster means 'taming' that wild, unruly force and bringing it under conscious control. The 'slaying' can be accomplished, however, only by love (Ariadne - the feminine) - only by accepting the neglected thing, honoring it and welcoming it into our unconscious."

That blew me away. I'm just trying to find people that can relate to this and what happened afterwards. Thanks for your time.:D



Bear with it Hon. You will find that there is a purpose to all of this . You are who you are for a reason.:)

Thanks Kate. Sometimes I wonder....:brolleyes: