Just looking for some advice

[natacsha]

I have been battling with myself for so many years and it was known to everyone about 15 years ago but she has been in between hibernation and keeping it a secret since back then and no one asked and I never told.

As of recent, in my attempt to understand and Accept this, I have done some of the following over the past few weeks... I have decided to start letting it out again but only to very select few....ie: this forum (lol), telling 4 of my closest friends and my cousin. Thats about it as far as getting it out into the open. But it's enough cause I communicate with these people regularly. So them knowing is a big thing for me.

As many of you have seen, I have been spazzing out lately and I am finally starting to come back to my senses. But that's just the thing. I was explaining it to a friend and I can only think of the (pick one) movie where the person walks through the clear plasma wall and ends up on the other side of the universe...you know, like a time warp capsule wall type thing...beam me up scottie!! So I feel like what was happening to me was similar to that of walking through that plasma....feelings of anxiousness and nerves trembling throughout my body unlike anything I have ever felt, depression, and lasted for about a month. All this after coming to the realization that I am finally accepting this as a part of me and has completely turned everything in my life around in an amazing way. I was always a happy kinda person but now it's just like ending up on the other side of the universe. and I love it!!! About 3 days ago I woke up without the horrible feelings of being out of control. I finally felt at back at home...but in a new home. Ironically I haven't felt the need to dress during that "period of adjustment". I wonder why.

Can anyone relate to this? Just remembering when you decided to finally ACCEPT it and how it made you feel or what you were going through during that time?? what happened in the following weeks/months/years....?? I'd kinda like to have an idea of where this is going. I only know now that I am not gonna deny this side of me anymore. But I also have come to embrace my male side as well. Or, is this me saying good bye to that? Doesn't seem like it but Any input would greatly help. Thanks girls.

P.S. I just wanted to thank every single one who has read and responded to me when I needed some help the most!!! You all know who you are so thank you sooo much for all the advice, comments and all those goodies!! XOXOXOXOXOX

[Cynthia Anne]

You sound pretty normal to me! Even the ''cooling off'' period is normal! It's like a part of ones mind fighting another part! The more one accepts oneself the better it gets! The main thing is to enjoy your life as much as you can! Make yourself happy and things will balance out for you! Hugs!

[JamieQ]

As Cynhtia Anne say, "You sound pretty normal to me". This year I have decided to really accept who I really am and let it out somehow, come "public" or stop hiding it in some fashion. It has made a lot of difference and I can't believe how good and relaxed I feel, I mean to really, really accept it for real... I have a few more hurdles to tackle but I'm pretty sure I can do that. I really would like to say good bye to the male part of me, but that is not going to happen now. I'm finishing nursing school next year and I already have a possible new place of employment in a new town (population 50,000+ and 50 miles away) and I definitely plan on going in femmed a bit. I am sure we all need the cooling off part once in a while. Just keep perspective and achieve that balance! Amanda

[jillleanne]

Pretty normal stuff for anyone that will experience the same stuff, which we all will not do, but many will. Just a part of moving forward. I think the key here is to just allow it all to happen and don't try to overanalyze it all. Accepting it all will make day to day inner feelings flow easily. Watch them, study them, rememeber them, but don't critique them all. Let that smile inside you dwell knowing you have come to terms with who you are, and you like it.

[natacsha]

Hi Girls!! thank you for responding and it is comforting to know that this is a normal feeling..?? I just tend to worry about this a lot more than anything else in my life because of the fear of the unknown. it is that simple. I love reading about everyone's experiences and how they handle them. I can't begin to express how much more in tune with everything I am now that the acceptance part of this is behind me. I was explaining to a friend last night that I don't see things the same anymore. I feel like I added another dimension of consciousness to my already complicated state of being. It is new and uncharted (sort of) territory for me now and I feel like a newborn with regards to my outlook on life, people etc etc. That was the unsettling part that I wanted to understand more of by creating this thread. thank you all again for helping me through this and easing the transition for me from denial to acceptance. I feel like I am so at ease with everything that it's almost too comfortable. Now, I'm just gonna confuse myself if I keep talking so I'm gonna shut up. thanks again girls!!! XOXOXOXO

[Amy R Lynn]

Natacsha,
I can empathize so much with this post! I too ,recently, finally accepted the desire that has been lurking in me my whole life. It was very scary for me. You do question whether you are normal. I was worried that there was something mentally wrong with me. When I found this forum it helped me realize that this is just a part of who I am. Its society that has made me feel that this should be wrong. I would love to dress like a woman every day that I wanted to, for as long as I want to. However, society still is not quite at the complete 100% acceptance that it should be.

Denying your feminine side is denying a part of you. It is liberating when you finally accept that this is a part of who you are.