Is this a good idea?

[Foxglove]

Hi, All!

I don't remember what I've said on this issue in previous threads (I suppose I could go back and review my threads), but just to sum up: I live in a small town in Ireland, and right now I'm seriously considering coming out of the closet--openly going about my business dressed as I bloody well please.

I've been asking for advice on this question, and what I've got has been conflicting to a certain extent (which is to be expected), though I think most people agree that I should show some caution and restraint (which I think is wise).

I'm trying to come up with a strategy that might give me a greater chance of surviving my coming out. Rather than just suddenly appearing in public in all my glory (cough, cough), maybe I should try to prepare people in advance. One idea I've been given is to dress somewhat androgynously or in some way present more feminine traits.

I think that's a good idea, but I don't think I'm going to go with it. I really can't see myself in drab and wearing a necklace or having my fingernails painted or something like that, nor can I see myself partially dressed as fem--say a feminine top and shoes. I don't really want to present as an "effeminate man". There's nothing wrong with that, and it might suit a lot of people. It just isn't me. It just isn't the image I want to adopt.

But I've had another idea. Suppose I just let it be known that I'm TG. I wouldn't have to tell more than three or four people, and the whole town would know about it within a few days. But I wouldn't have to appear in public en femme straightaway. I could leave it for, say, a few months. Give people time to get used to the idea before they actually see me.

I think it's a strange idea. Why tell people what I am? Isn't that what we usually want to keep secret? But knowing myself as I do, I think that for people to be aware of the fact wouldn't bother me. In my mind, there's a difference between them knowing about me and actually seeing me dressed.

I could imagine the following scenario: I go into the supermarket and one of the checkout girls (hopefully the new one, who is just absolutely fabulous--how I envy that young girl!) might say, "Are you really TG?"

I don't think it would bother me at all to say, "That's right."

Now if she went on to ask, "Do you dress like a woman sometimes?", I think that one would be harder for me to answer. And it would be a bit hard for me to face her if she started giggling a bit.

I might well get some questions that would be difficult for me. But somehow it seems to me that would be easier than presenting in public straightaway en femme. It would also give me a chance to test the water a bit. If I do run into a lot of hostility, I'd have time to consider whether I want to take the matter any further.

As I say, I think this is a strange idea. Usually we avoid appearing en femme precisely because we don't want people to know we're TG. So I'd be telling people what normally you'd think I'd want to keep secret--and I wouldn't even have the benefit of doing what I want to do, that is, go about my business en femme. In other words, it seems to me I'd be doing things backwards. That at least would be typical of me.

And yet the idea does appeal to me in a way. I think that it probably wouldn't suit a lot of people, and I don't know that I've come across anybody on this forum who went about it this way.

But does anybody think there might be some merit to this idea, or am I just completely nuts?

Best wishes, Annabelle

[Lorileah]

Sounds like a plan to me...the villagers don't have torches do they?

You can come out slowly. In my case I wear 50-100% clothing purchased from the "women's" department all the time. You don't have to start with a prom dress and 6" heels. You don't even have to start with a dress (although I do understand that the Irish have a version of a kilt?). More feminine tops and shorts? I wear a 1" heel sandal. I think if you start more conservative and work up it will be fine.

[Foxglove]

No, I haven't seen any torches, though I suppose they could get hold of some.

The way I envision dressing when I first get out is in a fairly plain dress or top and skirt (don't like trousers) and flats. I'm not into heels, especially when I'm on foot--which I always am since I don't have a car. And of course I'd have my wig and make-up on. In other words, nothing flamboyant. A simple style but totally woman. That's the way I like to dress. I wonder how they'd handle that, even if they'd have been prepared for it.

[Lorileah]

As long as it isn't a micro mini, I don't think it is a big deal. Here in the US the young males wear basketball shorts that could often pass as culottes. They really appear to be skirts in some cases. I had on a knit skirt last night and realized that from a distance (say 20-30 feet) it could have been mistaken for long shorts. I also wear a lot of scooter skirts in the summer (two reasons, they have modesty shorts underneath and I like them to be short :)). No one has said anything yet. Don't jump to lace and flowers right away. In the winter months my shoes are slight wedge slip on moccasins. I think you will be OK as long as you don't start a flaming hooker :)

[Sandra1746]

Annabelle, you know the people and attitudes in your town better than any of us so I would have to defer to your plan in any case. It does have the great benefit that the information about your TG-nature will be released in a controlled manner; and you can partly control the release. In a small town information like that will get out eventually and the more you control it the better.

Best of luck to you in your self-outing. I sincerely hope you will find most of the folks greet the information with little more than a yawn or idle curiosity.

Hugs and best wishes,
Sandra1746

[Foxglove]

I'm not into short skirts/dresses, either. I'm too old and too modest for that sort of thing. A bit below the knee is where I like them, and that seems to be the case for women my age who wear skirts/dresses. (There are a few in this town.) It's one thing I've noticed: in this town I do dress appropriate to my age group, if not (in most people's eyes) to my sex.

And to Sandra: Thanks! I don't know what's going to happen. I want out--but I'd like to find some way of doing it such that I don't go down in flames.

[Beverley Sims]

Annabelle,
we discussed this some time back and both agreed that a small town in Ireland would be a difficult place to come out.
I would extensively test the waters first, probably take up drinking alchohol and get myself certified first.
In all seriousness don't use bravado but come out to people one by one, over a long period.
Don't start dressing extreme you will only let the whole village know in five minutes.
Just try a pair of jeans and a chain around your neck first. Then go more down the androgony track.

[katie_barns]

I like the little at a time method. I have tried to show my feminine side a little at a time. Light makeup, plucked eyebrows, clear nail polish, and women jeans or polo. Nothing shocking; but I think as people get used to my more feminine appearance, coming out one day my not be as big a shock. At lease that's my theory.

But as Sandra says you know your town better than anyone.

[Foxglove]

Annabelle,
we discussed this some time back and both agreed that a small town in Ireland would be a difficult place to come out.
I would extensively test the waters first, probably take up drinking alchohol and get myself certified first.


Aye, Beverley, and it may be impossible. I'm trying hard to convince myself it can be done and am looking for some way to do it. I'm considering the possibility that I may simply need to move to a bigger place. I don't want to do that. I like this town a great deal. Also, moving would be difficult, mainly for money reasons. And I wonder, too, if I went to some bigger place that I don't know, would coming out be any easier? I don't know.

Best wishes, Annabelle

[ReineD]

It's not the odd check-out person, sales associate, or waitress that matters, it is the people in your personal life such as family and friends. You'll find that people who don't know you won't really care one way or the other. If they disapprove, they'll keep their opinions to themselves and you will continue to receive the same service from them as before. But if there are activities you prefer in male mode such as church groups or other organizations, and if forging new friendships is important to you, you may find that the knowledge you are a crossdresser will put a damper on this for many people, unless you live in an unusually open-minded environment. You might stop being invited to social events for example. Also, if you have dating plans, the general knowledge that you are a CDer might reduce the potential dating pool.

But more importantly, I'm thinking about the people who feel close to you. They might appreciate being told by you personally rather than hear it through the gossip mill. You also posted a recent thread about your landlord. You might want to mention it to him as well.

And last, unless you are planning on living full time, once you tell everyone you can't "untell". But, if your plan is to go full time, then there is no choice but to tell. :)

[Stephanie47]

Sandra makes the basic point; you know the environment you live in. You will not know how the townspeople will react. However, there is a greater issue. You do not know how you will react. Will a negative response overwhelm you? You cannot dismiss the consequences. Sometimes the expectations of pleasure exceed the actual event. You cannot put the Genie back in the bottle after she has been released. You may be trading the devil you know for the devil you don't know. Before I would out myself to a small town, I would experiment with a larger town or small city, where any adverse consequences will not have a long term effect. Will you feel uncomfortable in a strange environment when there are no long term consequences? Would living for three days totally as a woman satisfy your pent up anticipation? Or will you feel uncomfortable?

I guess what I am trying to say, if it does not work out "Do you have an exit strategy?"

[Foxglove]

To Reine and Stephanie: you are both raising some good points here, things worth considering. E.g., off the top of my head I can't think of any activities that I have to do in guy mode. And if I were to lose friends over this or find myself unable to make new ones, so be it. From the testimony of others on this forum, sometimes you do lose friends when you come out. I could live with that.

Of course, if I decided to come out, I'd tell my landlord. He and my son would be the first two to know.

As to how I'd react to a negative response, that's hard to say. But you're right, and that's the main problem here: I can't foresee the consequences of anything. I doubt that living three days en femme would do anything for me. I've been denying myself for 50 years. Three days is nothing in comparison. And do I have an exit strategy? Oh, yes: I know where the train station is.

Thanks to both of you for your thoughtful posts. Best wishes, Annabelle

[Miriam-J]

Wow, you've come quite a ways in just a few weeks, Annabelle. Seems like just yesterday we were discussing how to not be visible through the front windows of the flat, and the consequences of sharing with the librarian (I think) and doctor. Now it sounds pretty serious. I'm sure you've given due consideration to the likely response from the population there, so I certainly can't second guess that. At least you're old enough that you won't have to deal with the teen or young adult persecutors - or care if they try. But I would recommend that you come out quietly to a few of your closest friends early and directly so they don't feel blindsided when the rumor mill comes around to them, and definitely deal with the landlord and your son first as you've already indicated. After that, it's just a matter of telling one or two of the right people (or giving permission to some of those you've already told) and it'll get around just fine without a lot of effort on your part.

Good luck, and please share on progress.

Miriam

[Foxglove]

Thanks, Miriam. Yes, I'm thinking all the time--the gears whirring round and round in my head non-stop. And I'm not sure I'm getting anywhere. I come up with an idea and it seems pretty good, and then suddenly I'm full of doubts again. If I were following my heart in this matter, I'd have been out already. But there are lots of things to consider. Thanks for your ideas.

Best wishes, Annabelle