Things that I miss.....

[ReneeT]

I have had what by all outward appearrances is a great life as a guy. People have to think i have lost my mind to be going where i am. However, while i cherish the good things and experiences of my life up until now, i find myself lately longing for the things most women in this country experience growing up and into womanhood. I am feeling a growing sense of urgency to move on with my life and not miss out on any more of the life that i choose for me. Have any of you felt this way?

[Rianna Humble]

When I first came out in preparation for starting my transition, many people said to me words to the effect of "You are the last person we would have expected to be telling us this" so I understand when you say people think you have lost your mind.

I'm not 100% sure what you mean about the things most women experience when growing up, but yes I did feel a sense of urgency to become the real me and I certainly would not want to miss out on the quality of life that being true to myself is bringing.

[Stephanie-L]

I think I understand what you mean. I miss being a girl, as in teens, twentys, etc. I am sad that I will never get to experience the unique experiences that come with growing up female. Not to disparage some of our CD friends here, but if I were to dress as a teen girl now, people would just think I was pathetic. So that is one aspect I am sort of denied, along with a host of other things, slumber parties for instance. I recently got to have a make up day with a few GG friends and a Mary Kay consultant. This is something a GG kind of takes for granted, for me it was a whole new world. So, I too am trying to get my transition going before I miss any more, I want to enjoy being a woman before I am an old woman...............Stephanie

[Julia_in_Pa]

Renee,


Yes very much.

Transitioned females go through a second puberty regardless of the age in which they transition.
Just like natal female puberty one's emotions are heightened to crazy proportions.
This is where the other side of you if possible needs to bring in a reality check prior to having regrets about doing something that could cause harm to yourself.
Harm meaning placing yourself in situations with people and places you should not be.
Many unattached newly transitioned females are very sexually promiscuous.
Caution will greatly assist anyone finding themselves in an emotional pubescent hurricane.


Julia

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I relate to this Renee...there is a part of my thinking that says i missed out on alot
I have to push those thoughts out of my mind as best i can.. ...i try to change that around and say i'm set apart, unique and have lived an interesting life..

my daughter just went to her prom..i thought alot about how i experience high school and just how confused and isolated i was...but it's ok... i enjoyed her good time..

my thoughts have always been to make the best of things...like you i have a great "male" life to think back on... i made the most of it and had many great times on my own terms...my differences were actually noted sometimes by people, but they were brushed off as "weird" because i always tried to be positive...

[Lesley_Roberta]

I have had what by all outward appearrances is a great life as a guy. People have to think i have lost my mind to be going where i am. However, while i cherish the good things and experiences of my life up until now, i find myself lately longing for the things most women in this country experience growing up and into womanhood. I am feeling a growing sense of urgency to move on with my life and not miss out on any more of the life that i choose for me. Have any of you felt this way?

All the time.

I miss being a thin teenager. I miss being a healthy young adult. I miss being able to go out dancing and not worried about the consequences of just dancing.

Now I seem to be lamenting my lost youth more than ever. I feel like my clothing choices are forcing me to act older than I wish. And I simply don't have the energy most of my desires demand of me. And I sure am not enjoying being over weight, and acting (not by choice) like a senior citizen. I walk with a cane, and my cane while comfortable to use, well it screams out so many signals, one of them being 'well only a man would carry THAT cane around'. I like my cane, it makes me feel safer too. It's a saw handle shaped top (traced a saw handle) attached to a hickory sledgehammer handle. But it sure won't make me look feminine. Not to mention it's a small enough town, if you have not seen me walking with it before, you simply don't live here.

[ReneeT]

You all have really echoed my feelings. It is easy to long for what might have been, but at the end of the day that doesnt change anything. I have to get on with the life i have before me!

[Pamela Kay]

I'm with you Renee,

I have had a successful life as a guy according to everyone else's standards but I've never really felt happy or like I was being myself. When I finally accepted who I am I began transition as soon as I could because there are fewer days ahead than there are behind and I don't want to waste any more time. Does this mean I'm sorry for my soon to be ended marriage and my son, no. I just want to experience some happiness in my life and be myself.

I have been told I'm on the fast track to transition and by most standards I probably am. I have also been told how surprised everyone (that knows) that I'm doing this, I have always been so level headed. Well I'm still level headed and cautious but I know who I am now and I'm not letting anything stop me.

[Bree-asaurus]

You all have really echoed my feelings. It is easy to long for what might have been, but at the end of the day that doesnt change anything. I have to get on with the life i have before me!

Yuppers. You can't sit around and dream about what could have been. You have to look at where you are now, and what CAN be. Even though we missed out on a lot, we still have a lot to look forward to!

[ameliabee]

Honestly, I'm not particularly bothered about missing out on being female when I was younger. I mean, shoot... I'm pretty convinced that I would have gone through a lot of the same things. My mom was really good about trying to be gender neutral when raising my brother and I, even if my father insisted upon being a patriarchal prick about 'his boys'.

I did dance classes for years.

I had a few stereotypically female toys growing up - loved my Easy-Bake oven.

I also dealt with boys pinching my back where a bra strap should have been and being teased over 'jiggle'. (Middle schoolers are evil.)

I went through eating disorders just like numerous other teenage girls who are taught by society to hate their bodies. I probably would have gone through with killing myself if I actually had to deal with all the insults directed at fat girls rather than the gay-bashing I did have to deal with. (Without actually being gay! Just extremely feminine.)

Did I get to go to my prom as I should have? No. But I've taken the time to go back and do some things properly... 'Queer Prom' at my university (won prom queen too!). Had a blast at a kinky slumber party. I'm quite over it all at this point.

Methinks, when envisioning what the past could have been, you all are focusing too much on the flowers and ignoring the thorns.

[ReneeT]

I know that the grass is always greener on the other side, and i dont regret my male life. I worked hard to make it work, despite my innerconflict. It is almost as if i was trying to prove myself as a guy to make the real me go away. Alas, water under the bridge. I just wish that it wasnt so damn hard on the ones i love the most. The slow disintegration of my marrigae, in particular, is leaving a wake of pain, sorrow, and a sense of betrayal

[ReineD]

What sort of things do you feel you missed out on? I ask because I wonder if you have certain ideals in mind, like the first pretty Easter dress with matching shoes and a little purse, playing with Barbie dolls, the excitement of the first bra, sleepovers with other girls with lots of giggling and bonding way into the night, getting together with girlfriends to shop for that first makeup and together rushing home to try it all on, heart-to-hearts with moms, the first date with a boy, the first kiss, the prom.

I just want to say that many times, these are the things of movies. Granted some girls experience this, but many don't or when they do, the experiences don't feel the way they are portrayed in movies. I have a picture of myself at age 6, wearing a cute little dress with matching coat with black and white patent leather mary-janes and matching purse. I was utterly miserable. I wanted to get out of that get up and go play with my cousins. I did play with Barbie dolls extensively, but the scenarios my friends and I made up would surprise you. :p My girlfriends and I used to have sleepovers, but we'd have pillow fights, play board games, and make crank calls on the phone just like my brother did. Later on, we used to indulge in activities that are now legal in some states for medicinal purposes. :p I was not into makeup as a teenager (during the hippie years) and I did not have the type of relationship with my mom where we had heart-to-hearts. I don't have a sister. My first kiss was downright awful. He stuck his tongue in my mouth and I thought it was gross, I didn't know what to do. The first bra for me was uneventful, just something I had to get to prevent from bouncing around. I couldn't get a date for my prom, so I went with my best friend's boyfriend's brother, who turned out to be a jerk.

I do have great memories as a teenager though. There was a neighborhood group of us (guys and girls) who hung out together at my friend's house. She always had a fridge full of food and soda and her rec-room was a no-parents land where we could play music as loud as we wanted to. But, we all shared the same experience, it wasn't particularly a feminine thing or a masculine thing to do. A different group of us used to ski a lot as well, and also I was involved in student government and organizing ski trips, dances, and putting out the school newsletter, but again this wasn't a particularly gendered thing to do. My private passions, the things I did when I was alone: drawing, photography, reading, didn't carry with it any sense of gender. I worked at a deli part-time and again, there were both guys and girls who served the customers, cleaned the cases, and manned the register.

I've always had a hard time segregating activities into feminine and masculine experiences, maybe that's just me. If there was ever anything I wanted to do at home that my brother did, my parents did not have an issue with it. In fact, my brother wanted me to mow the lawn and I was more than happy when he did the dishes. :)

[LeaP]

I've always had a hard time segregating activities into feminine and masculine experiences, maybe that's just me.

It's not just you. It's everyone that's cisgendered. Because the point isn't the activities themselves so much as being yourself whenever you do whatever it is that you do. Taken the wrong way (and I'm not, because activities are a thread theme), your comments can be read as invalidating - as if to say gender doesn't matter - and therefore the gender conflict may be dismissed. In a way it doesn't when your cisgendered. When you are not, you not only miss participating in gendered activities, but you never really participate in anything as yourself at all.

[Andie Elisabeth]

I certainly don't feel missed out on Barbie dolls, I somehow conviced my mom to get me one but I didn't keep it for long, didn't like it that much, or collecting picture stickers of horses or having as many colour pencils as I need to draw anything I wanted with other girls. :heehee:

[ArleneRaquel]

Renee,
Great OP darlin.

[Maddie22]

Transitioned females go through a second puberty regardless of the age in which they transition.
Just like natal female puberty one's emotions are heightened to crazy proportions.
This is where the other side of you if possible needs to bring in a reality check prior to having regrets about doing something that could cause harm to yourself.
Harm meaning placing yourself in situations with people and places you should not be.
Many unattached newly transitioned females are very sexually promiscuous.
Caution will greatly assist anyone finding themselves in an emotional pubescent hurricane.

I've always been aware of the second puberty situation. It catches me by surprise though about the newly transitioned unattached females that are very sexually promiscuous. I was unaware of this situation. Does this often correlate with the age of person?




What sort of things do you feel you missed out on? I ask because I wonder if you have certain ideals in mind, like the first pretty Easter dress with matching shoes and a little purse, playing with Barbie dolls, the excitement of the first bra, sleepovers with other girls with lots of giggling and bonding way into the night, getting together with girlfriends to shop for that first makeup and together rushing home to try it all on, heart-to-hearts with moms, the first date with a boy, the first kiss, the prom.

I just want to say that many times, these are the things of movies. Granted some girls experience this, but many don't or when they do, the experiences don't feel the way they are portrayed in movies. :)

I think you're right about this, because for me it's not about missing out on the first kiss, your first Easter Sunday dress, Prom etc..but rather missing out on the opportunities of being cis-gendered.

I can't change who/what I am or am not, but if given a choice I would have much preferred the opportunity to grow up with having my mind match my physical self as either a cis-male or cis-female. I know that neither would guarantee the happy movie life, but it would allow me to not have the current gorilla on my back, and an opportunity to understand myself better.


I have had a successful life as a guy according to everyone else's standards but I've never really felt happy or like I was being myself.

I don't feel like I was successful at being a male. My love of sports is probably the only thing that has been successful at being a male. I never made the basketball team, wasn't accepted into a fraternity, never was able to find a girlfriend, hate shoot them up video games, cry at movies. Almost all the female friends I've had talked to me and confessed their feelings to me as a best friend, similar to their relationships with their female friends.

[ReneeT]

I dont want to see this thread degenerate into divisiveness. Its not about "us vs them". I think what i am trying to get at is i miss the growing up and maturing experiences, that, if they had occurred without the undertone of gender dysphoria, would have been more genuine and constructive for me. So from a female perspective now, which i admittedly dont and never will possess, i miss the formative experiences that could have made womanhood more complete. Looked at differently, i can just as easily long for freedom from this curse so that my male formative experiences could have been more relevant to my adult life.

I have a feeling that i am not making much sense here.......

[Maddie22]

I dont want to see this thread degenerate into divisiveness. Its not about "us vs them". I think what i am trying to get at is i miss the growing up and maturing experiences, that, if they had occurred without the undertone of gender dysphoria, would have been more genuine and constructive for me. So from a female perspective now, which i admittedly dont and never will possess, i miss the formative experiences that could have made womanhood more complete. Looked at differently, i can just as easily long for freedom from this curse so that my male formative experiences could have been more relevant to my adult life.

I have a feeling that i am not making much sense here.......

I hope I wasn't coming across as being degenerate or divisive.

I think you make perfect sense, and I totally agree with you.

[Kathryn Martin]

I had the good fortune and privilege to have two wonderful young women as my surgery buddies. One of them had transitioned to full time at age 21 and the other also very early. This was a very emotional experience for me, seeing these beautiful human beings take flight and set out to live a life of joy, happiness, sorrow and pain. Life is like that, and we often tend to second guess a life lived. This review has been part of my transition, and the question for me was whether there was a day in my life I regretted. Who I am today, grew over years of happiness, joy, sorrow and pain and even though I occasionally indulge in the what if in a moment of weakness, I do not want to miss a single day of my life, just the way it went.

What Reine talked about is also an experience of mine. The relationships I had were not characterized by a division onto female and male activities. I was fortunate that I grew up in an environment in which gender specific activities did not really exist but everyone did everything. Puberty was a horrible experience with all the angst but to the extent I could tell this was a well traveled road for anyone of either gender. I find the adage that hormone intake during transition precipitates a second puberty kind of weird. I had nothing of the sort. For me it seemed like a homecoming to the familiarity of who I was on a physical level. I did not suddenly have the need to hit the bar scene and go flirt.

The urgency to move forward with your life is my experience too, as strong and as urgent as you describe it, Renee. It will bring you joy, happiness, sorrow and pain, just like it should. One day I want to raise a glass with you and say what a grand life.


I have had what by all outward appearrances is a great life as a guy. People have to think i have lost my mind to be going where i am. However, while i cherish the good things and experiences of my life up until now, i find myself lately longing for the things most women in this country experience growing up and into womanhood. I am feeling a growing sense of urgency to move on with my life and not miss out on any more of the life that i choose for me. Have any of you felt this way?

[Jorja]

There is nothing I really miss. I mean if you did not have it to beign with, how could you miss it? Although, the thought of an Easter dress with matching shoes and a little purse does give me goose bumps. Thanks Renie, now I want to go shopping! :)

[ReineD]

It's not just you. It's everyone that's cisgendered. Because the point isn't the activities themselves so much as being yourself whenever you do whatever it is that you do. Taken the wrong way (and I'm not, because activities are a thread theme), your comments can be read as invalidating - as if to say gender doesn't matter - and therefore the gender conflict may be dismissed. In a way it doesn't when your cisgendered. When you are not, you not only miss participating in gendered activities, but you never really participate in anything as yourself at all.

Thanks for explaining it to me in such a kind way. :hugs:

You're right, I do tend to see it as activities that were missed and from my perspective, many GGs miss them too or at least don't experience them ideally. I see now that it is more about the grief is over not having been recognized as feminine during childhood regardless of the activities.

Renee please know that I wasn't meaning to invalidate you. And maybe other non-TSs reading the exchange between Lea and myself will also gain a greater understanding.

[docrobbysherry]

Altho not only am I not cisgendered and I often doubt I'm even TG, Renee! My take on what I'm doing now and what I missed by starting to dress late may be VERY DIFFERENT from most!

I think if I'd gotten serious about CDing when I was young, my entire life mite have been possibly more exciting! But, I suspect if I was still alive now, I would be a complete mess! Mentally, financially, and physically(health wise)!

If u have/r living a good, healthy life I see NO REASON to look back with regrets! Things could have been MUCH WORSE for u! Heck, u mite have died long ago!

I guess I tend think how lucky I am, rather than looking back and thinking about things that r impossible to know!

Remember that story about the guy who was contemplating suicide? His wife had left with their kids. His boss fired him. The furniture repo guys were asking him to get up so they could haul off the furniture. Which didn't matter, because he couldn't pay the rent anyway! As he sat thinking of ways to end it all, a voice came out of the gloom! "Cheer up, remember things could be worse!" And he thot, I have my health! I'm brite and hardworking! I can start over!

And so, he cheered up! And, sure enuff! Things got worse!

[StephanieC]

I prefer to concentrate on the future: that occupies enough of my energy.

[Jonianne]

......(cisgendered)...When you are not, you not only miss participating in gendered activities, but you never really participate in anything as yourself at all.

Wow, wow, wow. That says so much about my past. I never dated, not once. I never went to the prom. I never played any organized sports. The older and older I got, the fewer and fewer friends I hung around with. I sat in the back of the auditorium, when the kids were gathered there just before class and during lunch, and I just wished I could be up with the girls I wanted to be with, but no, I sat alone. Very alone. I would go up into the hills behind my house and just walk the paths, feeling so alone and making imaginary girl friends. In a way I liked being alone and not participating, even though I hated it.

To have struggled with being transgendered all alone back then, was probably one of the main things that prevented me from reaching out to others. It was something I could not share with anyone, but suffered through it all, on my own, in "quiet desperation".

Reine, one of the things you mentioned, that I missed the most, was the emotional bonding with the other girls, something I so desperatly wanted to do.

[KellyJameson]

As a child I had three loves, horses, books and the beach which I continue to have even today.

I do not feel I missed experiences from childhood and even if I had been born in a female body I would not want to have been put in a dress with a bow in my hair unless it was my idea and I liked the freedom of not wanting or needing to be popular that I had in childhood so I avoided most of the politics that come from this ambition.

For me it was the rough way the world treated me because I was a boy that hurt my feelings.

My friends that were boys liked being treated this way because they experienced it as acceptance but I experienced it as rejection.

For them being treated gently and tenderly was an insult but for me it was what I craved, I experienced the world as a emotionally cold and univiting place and earned the reputation of being a whiner but I just wanted to be treated like how others were being treated, it did not occur to me these others were always girls. I was surrounded by love but felt unloved, I came to believe that all adults were bad people because they always hurt me but yet they were doing nothing wrong.

I believe there is an inherent temperament that creates the conditions for the identity that is adopted and formed in a person the first few years of life and afterward the person who holds this identity will have expectations from the world to treat and see them according to this identity.

You make comparisons between how those you identify with are treated in relation to yourself and when it is not the same you experience injustice but this injustice is felt as an attack, like a slap across your face because it is contrary to who you know yourself to be.

I did not miss out on how I lived, I missed out on how I wanted to be liked, treated and related to which is shown differently for girls than boys because girls and boys demand this except when they don't because they cannot.

There was no brutality in my childhood but I experienced life as brutal.

[Traci Elizabeth]

Yuppers. You can't sit around and dream about what could have been. You have to look at where you are now, and what CAN be. Even though we missed out on a lot, we still have a lot to look forward to!

I agree with Bree. I could easily fall into the abyss of "what if's" but you have to stay focused on the present and how wonderful your life is now and will be each coming day!