Just an update

[Rachel Smith]

OK this sucks. I had just written a 3 paragraph post to let you all know what I have been doing. Hit the spell check, puter says do you want to download i-spell so I click yes and BOOM the whole post is wiped out.

I haven't gone anywhere, I have just been busy with work. I have been reading the forums when I can.

Anyway, I am still in therapy and would like to thank you all for suggesting that. I am still taking my "happy" pills though the dosage will be increased with the next script. I was feeling so good after I first started them. My therapist says not to worry that that often happens. It sure did feel good to feel good though. When I first came here I was having many, many dark thoughts. In my last session she ask me if I was still having thoughts of suicide. I told her the last time I did my thought was this, "gee I haven't thought about killing myself for a long time". Thanks to all of you for helping me. I used to feel like one in a million, now I feel like one OF millions, well at least thousands :) . All you ladies here gave me that feeling so as Elton John used to sing, "someone saved a life tonight", thank you all.

The thing I worry about now is how I am hurting my wife and possibly my daughter and granddaughter by doing this though they do seem somewhat excepting of Rachel. My parents are ok with it but they have only seen pictures of Rachel and now that I have moved to VA it will be a while before they do actually see me but they still call and talk to me on the phone so at least they haven't disowned me. I get my Mary Kay cosmetics from my one sister as well. So I guess I have it better then some and not as good as others. I am still living my life as a woman except for when I am working and it feels wonderful :D .

Ok enough for now just wanted to let you all know that thanks to you and this wonderful site I am alive and feeling much better about myself.

Love
Rachel

[Sharon]

I'm happy that things are going well, Rachel, and I hope your family stays strong; I know how difficult this can be for our loved ones. And it's great to see you again. :)

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Take good care of yourself Rachel

I am glad for you that you have made progress.

This is tough stuff and you are doing what you need to do.. Based on your posts, you are doing everything you can to help others understand you, and its a blessing that so far you are getting some acceptance...I am sure some of the reason they are supporting is because you DESERVE it!!

[Julia_in_Pa]

Rachel,

The question you have to confront is " Am I ready for transition? "
If you are still worried to the point of inaction whether or not you will hurt your family then your not ready.
Of course you do not want to hurt your family.
None of us that have transitioned wanted to hurt our families but there comes a point where you transition to avoid leaving your family from suicide.

Your near the edge of the abyss and in order to successfully reach the other side you must first take this step of faith.
No matter how many surround you with love and support for who and what you are this step is one you must make alone.

Switch off the mind and let your heart decide who you were meant to be.


Julia

[Rachel Smith]

First, thank you Sharon and Kaitlyn Michele for your words of support.


Rachel,

The question you have to confront is " Am I ready for transition? "
If you are still worried to the point of inaction whether or not you will hurt your family then your not ready.
Of course you do not want to hurt your family.
None of us that have transitioned wanted to hurt our families but there comes a point where you transition to avoid leaving your family from suicide.

Your near the edge of the abyss and in order to successfully reach the other side you must first take this step of faith.
No matter how many surround you with love and support for who and what you are this step is one you must make alone.

Switch off the mind and let your heart decide who you were meant to be.


Julia

Julia my friend I don't know the answer to the question if I am ready for transition. I just want to take it slow and be Rachel for a year before I make that decision. That is the only way to be sure IMO. It's my wife I am worried about. I love her as much now as the day I married her if not more. She did not opt in for this, hell for years she didn't even know and now thinks our marrige was just a sham. People that know both Rachel and Randy say Rachel walks tall like she is proud of herself and Randy walks like a beaten down sad old man. To tell you the truth I am only 5' 6" short but when I am Rachel I feel 6' tall when I am Randy I feel bearly 5'. If I switch off the mind my heart keeps giving me the same answer just ask my therapist how she feels about HRT for me and be what I KNOW I am.

Rachel