name change, doubts

[arbon]

Since I filed for a name change a little over a month ago it seems like I have have a lot of doubts about transition. Doubts centered around fear, not so much about who I am.

Most of the fear is centered around work, being afraid I wont be successful at my current job because of what I am, and being unable to find new work if that comes to an end. I am worried about making it in this world as a not so passable woman.

I stick out. I don't have the money to do what I wish I could do with surgeries. Knowing the journey is not gong to get any easier is rather intimidating.

Looking at work - I did get a new email account and I have new business cards coming. Excited about that. I am grateful my boss did not give me a hard time about it this week and is letting me get those things. I figure if he was going to let me go he would have done it, so I feel a little safe for the time being. I'm very grateful, despite the condition that I stay somewhat gender neutral at work (my name, Theresa, is not gender neutral so why do I need to present that way? For now I'm going along with it) But it is going to continue to be such an uphill journey to get people to use the new name, let alone use the correct pronouns. Especially him and my coworkers. After all the stuff at work over the last year and a half to get this far, I feel a little worn out with all of it. Yet it is really just get started, so I can't be letting myself get feeling worn out already. It is time to prove myself is what it is, have to be stronger now then I was before. But I am not feeling it that way!


I still find myself with the these thoughts that I should be able to get through life as a man, that would be the easiest thing, or just stay in between like I have been for the last year +, which really has not been that bad and people have mostly accepted me that way, even at work. Pushing forward in transition just means more difficulties in my life, that is what I keep thinking, and i am not sure that I am ready for them.

My name change - I did have court last Tuesday, and despite myself it went through. Despite myself because I had forgotten to take my proof of publication that I needed to take to court with me. I had it and all my documents I needed sitting under my purse before leaving the house and for whatever reason I did not take. Subconscious sabotage? I got to court and realized it. The judge was very kind though and we waited 1/2 hour while a friend of mine went to my house and got the documents for me.

I guess having the name changed makes it all feel so real now, like the option of going back to safety as staying my birth gender is less likely to ever happen. This is it. Moving forward. No turning back now. Maybe it is just the full reality of that setting in on me.

On the other hand, I am very comfortable with presenting as a women out there in the world and I try to imagine myself being a guy but it is not there. If I did want to go back there is nothing there to go back to. Being a women feels so right to me, how could I be anything else?

It just gets so confusing sometimes. ugh.

Oh, I got a awesome dress last weekend :) my very fist dress (usually I just wear jeans and pants) - no, none of this is about the clothing, but I am very excited about getting it, I'm all giddy inside, and I actually looked good in it. It is for an event that I am the chair person for coming up in the fall, pretty big event for me, I can't wait.

[STACY B]

Dont worry ,,, Its just that time of the month ,, Doubt time ,, It will pass ,Everyone has em ,,I go threw the same crap all the time . Just keep pushing an pushing ,, If it gets to hard just let up an rest until you get your wind back an keep on pushing again . You might as well face it your at the end girl ,, Dont even think about giving up now ,, Thet race is almost WON !!

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I hear you..

your concerns are valid :straightface:

The idea that transitioning includes a testing period is real...and its valuable..
and there is no shame in going back and forth...

i can infer from your post that as of today, you are kind of getting these thoughts off your chest but you are planning to go full steam ahead??

You seem pretty realistic and centered...these qualities will serve you well whatever happens...

if you express these feelings outside of groups like this, be careful, because well meaning will pounce... i recall JOKING about how humiliated i'd feel if i "went back" to two friends...and they relentlessly followed up on this for two years...asking me over and over if i was "sure" ...it must've been like an invitation to them to let them express how they really felt...

[arbon]

i can infer from your post that as of today, you are kind of getting these thoughts off your chest but you are planning to go full steam ahead??


.

Yes, just getting it off my chest. At night is when I usually have most of the fears about it, when I am trying to sleep. Through the course of most days I feel fine about what I am doing and feel pretty confident about it.

Really there is not much to move ahead on for a while. My name is changed - new DL, bank accounts have been changed, new SS card coming, new fishing license :) , just working on changing it on all my debts and utilities. After that all I can do for a while is save money for surgery and work on my presentation and voice. It will take me at least a couple years to get to surgery. I'm going to keep the door open and durring this time between now and surgery, if it is really not right for me, I will hopefully realize it and be willing to go back.



if you express these feelings outside of groups like this, be careful, because well meaning will pounce... i recall JOKING about how humiliated i'd feel if i "went back" to two friends...and they relentlessly followed up on this for two years...asking me over and over if i was "sure" ...it must've been like an invitation to them to let them express how they really felt...

Thank you for the warning, reminder. Sometimes I do talk to much to people that can't really understand, but there are not many people to talk to.

[Badtranny]

It just gets so confusing sometimes. ugh.

It's amazing how each of us puts different priorities on different things. The LAST thing I'm waiting on is my court order. I believe July 12th is when the gavel falls on my new name and I can hardly wait.

I think you're going to be just fine Arbon just keep on keepin on and let the doubts fall away. The only thing I would advise is to stop with the "gender neutral" thing. I am recently full time at work and I totally understand where you're at but I show up dressed unmistakeably female and I still get the "he" and "Bill" treatment. This is how they know you and being androgynous isn't going to help your cause even though it's more comfortable.

I also work in a very conservative environment so, I wear black slacks with a blouse over a cami and usually a black blazer. All female clothes, but not exactly parade gear if you know what I'm saying. I do accessorize with a necklace and earrings, etc. but only an Amish person could be offended by that look.

[arbon]

. The only thing I would advise is to stop with the "gender neutral" thing. I am recently full time at work and I totally understand where you're at but I show up dressed unmistakeably female and I still get the "he" and "Bill" treatment. This is how they know you and being androgynous isn't going to help your cause even though it's more comfortable.
.

Oh I am not doing that because I am comfortable with it. To me it is a huge, huge drawback with my name change and trying to work with my clients. I would much rather present fully female, not as in between. It would be so much easier, I think, for everyone. This is what my employer wants though, my boss. It came down to I either accept that and present gender neutral to what is acceptable to him (no makeup, slacks or jeans OK but no skirts or dresses, the rest is kinda vague - but needs to be gender neutral to him, basically not much different then the way I have been coming for the last year), and he would let me change my name at work. Or my job was over.

It came down to that. The conversation I had with my boss that day was probably the hardest, most intense conversation I ever had in my life. I went home and cried for hours over it. I felt so horrible about some of the things he said to me that day.

But for the time being I have to go with it. I know legally whats being imposed on me is very questionable - but I need to keep the job if I can, and hopefully things will relax a bit and I will be able to present fully as myself eventually, like I do outside of work.

[Diane Elizabeth]

You are a few weeks ahead of me. I am waiting for my letter from the court telling me which judge I need to all toschedule my hearing date. I expect to have it done before the end of June which is when I am talking to my boss about coming out at work. I have fears about my job and transitioning similar to what you stated. I understand from others talking that it is normal to question oneself about whether or not transitioning is right. Thank you for reaffirming myself with what I am doing. Hope all the best for you at work.

[Badtranny]

10-roger Arbon.

I'm sorry to hear your boss is unreasonable. Work is a tough one. The only bathroom I'm allowed to use right now is the new gender neutral bathrooms downstairs. The one down the hall from my office would be more convenient, but my bosses don't want to make anybody uncomfortable. (except me)

You're doing the right thing, as long as you're able to dog paddle don't make waves. Someday this will all be behind us. ;-) Can you imagine how hard it was 20 years ago?

[Diane Elizabeth]

Hi Badtranny, As I had posted at other times about my workplace, I will have to continue using the mens room. that includes the lockeroom, showers and restroom. We do not have any neutral restrooms available. With alll the problems I have with my boss I don't know how long I will last there.

[arbon]

You are a few weeks ahead of me. I am waiting for my letter from the court telling me which judge I need to all toschedule my hearing date. I expect to have it done before the end of June .

Make sure not to forget necessary documents on the big day at court, I still can't believe I forgot mine. I am wishing it all goes well for you with your job :) It really should not be as hard as it seems to be for so many of us,hopefully it keeps get better out there for us, and one day it wont still be so hard for people to transition.

[Julia_in_Pa]

Theresa,


You concerns hold much weight and merit.

Prior to my transition I did alright financially but really nothing to where I could afford what I needed concerning alot of things.
My internal focus was always on my GID and how to make it another day, another, week and another year without transitioning.
Because of this I couldn't focus on my job and career thus causing me to lag behind my own personal expectations.

After transition I lost my job and everything else but gained the most important thing of all, my own life.
I never experienced the clarity that I possessed after transition.
This allowed me to focus on building my life as my life for no one else but myself.
I rebuilt and gained something I never had prior to transition, my true self.
My life financially is now matching what it always should have been but couldn't because of this.

If I could grab your hands and pull you through the doorway I would in a heartbeat Theresa but this is yours and yours alone to do.

I'm very happy your name change is done. YAY!!
One of the keys to a successful transition is to not allow yourself a way back when you become frightened of things and a name change is one of the ways to not allow yourself to turn around and head back the other way.
Your one of the strongest here sis, keep walking forward, your almost there.


Julia

[Kathryn Martin]

I would second what Julia has said. One of the great pitfalls for all of us, is to allow others options when it comes to our life. I struggled with this for a long time. I was still willing to accommodate. It took me some time, to realize that whether I transitioned and how I presented was not a decision of anyone other than me. When I came out to my partners, roughly three months before going full time I presented them with a status quo. This was not a question, not even in some inner gesture of trying to accommodate, but with full confidence that this is what it is going to be, deal with it. This is very hard to do, and indeed it was the end of a fourteen year partnership for me.

When my letter went out to everyone it was a fact not a maybe, or could you be so kind. And confidence grew, fast, and everyone took their clues from my confidence rather than from their own what if's .

I wish you the best Theresa

[Diane Elizabeth]

Arbon, I am beginning to think we make our transitionings harder than they really are. At least for some of us. Others really do have a hell tro go thru caused by others in our lives. I thought the worst about my family before I came out. I figure at best they would tolerate me and my "dressing" as a mid life crisis or something. My mother and sisters have embraced the new me. There are some bumps in the road with them but it is far better than I ever imagined. Work is a different story. I talked to HR and was told how I would still have to use the mens area. And that I would be treated with respect. He doesn't know the people I work with as they do not have respect for me. Many had teased me about my hair (even the boss). And I have had hormonal problems which leads them to think I am crazy. Anytime I try to talk to the boss about problems with people he tells me that he "hopes I am getting help". So with a rough history with them I do not think it will be a smooth road. But, I am ready to move on. I will have a work history established as Diane when I leave there.

[Jessica_Grl]

this is actually my next step, after 9months on HRT, living 24/7, well i am in-between jobs right now and am waiting for my name change to take place before i seriously look for work --- June 4th is my day infront of the judge, and i am excited and scared at the same time, scared that some of my previous job experience and history wont match, but excited because i really can start being me.

I know it is perfectly normal to be scared before serious change, weather ya move accross country or just change jobs - i guess being scared is what makes me stronger ---- but atleast i can finally be "me" / Jessica :)

[Jonianne]

.......At night is when I usually have most of the fears about it, when I am trying to sleep. Through the course of most days I feel fine about what I am doing and feel pretty confident about it.....

That is how I feel, too. Nighttime seems to be when all the fears that have been push aside by doing daily things, make their way to the front of the mind.

Theresa, I hope things settle for you and the job issues work out better. Thank you for this thread.

And thankyou to all the ladies that have responded. There is so much useful information I have picked up. Melissia, Kathryn and others, your input is especially helpful. One thing I really need to work on, is to get out of my typical kowtow-ing mode, trying to accomodate everyone.

[Dethgirl]

I'd be scared too. Luckily for me, people son't have choice but to call me by my new name, because I'm going to change it from Corey to Korie. :)