To the wives and girlfriends trying to figure this out...

[Jenniferathome]

Over that last several weeks I have read more and more posts from wives or girlfriends who have discovered their male SO is a crossdresser. I think it's great you are here and trying to get some perspective. I think you will find it.

I am, however, greatly concerned that you will be put off by so much of the weirdness I see posted daily. I can only offer my perspective of crossdressing but the majority of what I see posted does not reflect my view of a "normal" crossdresser (The irony of using "normal" here is not lost on me). I fear that when you join and begin reading you may run for the hills thinking you entered a freakshow.

I really feel a sense of obligation to extend help to any SO looking for information. I know your SO would want that help offered. I can feel the anger and sense of betrayal in so many of your original posts. My wife accepted me easily but I know that is not typical. Please don't read more into so many of the posts than what they are, an individual expressing random nonsense. The vocal minority often get too much press. Please feel free to ask any question and to call bullshit on posts that don't represent you as a woman, wife and person.

[RADER]

Jennifer;
You are correct in what you said, and I might add, How much of what you read on the
forum might be tainted with a touch of fiction, or wanted wishes.
I guess the best thing is to take a percentage with a big grain of salt.
Rader

[crossdressersfriend GG]

ITA my CDing friend is as normal as they get. I would hope that anyone would know their SO enough to give them a chance to get this out in the open and not view them as something other than the person they fell for in the first place.

[Presh GG]

Oh Jennifer
A thousand times , THANK YOU !

i [ FOOLISHLY ] recommended this forum to a friend who just found out , and I'm terrified I have sent her to the lions den, [ and the divorce lawyer.] I could kick myself. What have I done to my friend ?

Please keep in mind she knew Nothing , not even what it means or the differance between cd / ts / ect.
She had never , ever heard of it before.

So if I'm a bit vocal lately, think how you would feel in her or my place.

I just WISH WITH ALL MY HEART THE FANTACYS WEREN'T SOLD AS REAL.

Sincerely
Presh GG

[Eryn]

Jennifer, your concern is one that I share and one that I see articulated here often. Some of the things discussed here might be particularly disturbing to the SO of a CDer coming here for support.

Moving such threads to private forums has been suggested, but I suspect that a lot of the site's traffic (and revenue) is generated by the open availability of those threads to search engines. That is what permits this site to be available to all of us.

[ReineD]

I often wonder how many of our members are treating this place like a locker room, in other words, a place where they can be free to be themselves without any GGs present (the GG to CD ratio on this site is minuscule :p). They might be single, or maybe their wives don't know they're here or perhaps don't even know about the CDing, and so they see this forum as a place to indulge in girly fantasy away from any prying eyes, all within the forum rules of course.

Whereas the CDers who are married with families, who do have busy lives, who do have supportive spouses just pop in once in a while to post and don't have time to post in what you call the weirdness threads in order to balance out the forum a bit.

Anyway, thanks for posting this, Jennifer, and the next time you see a "weirdness" thread, please do go ahead and post a one-liner bit of sanity. :D

[Marleena]

Well, I sometimes get concerned about the sexual fantasy threads too. The fact is though if too much gets censored then the board does not adress the needs of all crossdressers to express their feelings. It's kind of a catch 22. The mods/admins do keep things clean and under control.

@ Presh, your friend is much better off being sent here than finding what usually comes up on Google when you search for crossdressing. This is a support forum to adress issues that come up regarding transgendered people, SO's, family and friends. GG's are sensible enough to realize and question that much of what is discussed here might not apply to their own SO. The FAB forum sounds like it does a great job of helping GG's from panicking about what they may read.

[BRANDYJ]

Thank you Jennifer. Lately I have not even recognized this site due to the weirdness, as you call it. I too am concerned about our GG members and what they read. Especially the wives and SO's that just came here newly aware of their mate's crossdressing. I frankly get embarrassed and ashamed for some of the things posted here of late. I for one don't see this as a locker room atmosphere and feel that some posts are out of line in a mixed gender forum. Sometimes I feel like, and have as much been told that I'm being over protective of our GG members. Well somebody has to! With the insensitive posts I've seen in threads started by GG that came here to understand what this is all about. I am glad to see I'm not alone with these thoughts.

[Jonianne]

Whenever I sign on, the first thing I check is the permission groups I'm in and then forums like Loved ones and then my past posts to see if there has been any responses I need to address. Finally I will click the "new posts" and scan down the list to see if there seems to be anything interesting. Not much of it in the mtf forum has ever interested me. At least the "weird" threads also tend to have a weird title, so it makes those easy to skip. Even with those, I still think this site is probably the best one out there. Hopefully the new GG's will learn to filter a lot of the stuff out as well.

[Marleena]

Jennifer has raised some good points here and I totally get it. I just hate too much censorship.:)

Perhaps a fantasy section for these type of threads may be the ticket (just an idea). That way people can decide to ignore these type of posts that come up in the main section and not be subjected to them.

[KellyJameson]

This was a very good idea for a thread.

I hope my words have never frightened or disgusted anybody and if they have there is nothing to fear becomes I'm as far removed from the world of people as a person can get and still live on the planet.

Never ever should my words be construed as representative of others thinking because in all likelihood I'm a statistical aberration that hopefully will not be repeated and not once in my life have I encountered another even remotely like me.

I'm here mainly to learn not to interfere in anybody else's life and if there is a risk my presence could hurt others I would prefer to look elsewhere for the answers. I certainly do not want to be responsible for someones relationship ending.

[Rebecca Star]

I often wonder how many of our members are treating this place like a locker room, in other words, a place where they can be free to be themselves without any GGs present (the GG to CD ratio on this site is minuscule :p). They might be single, or maybe their wives don't know they're here or perhaps don't even know about the CDing, and so they see this forum as a place to indulge in girly fantasy away from any prying eyes, all within the forum rules of course.

Whereas the CDers who are married with families, who do have busy lives, who do have supportive spouses just pop in once in a while to post and don't have time to post in what you call the weirdness threads in order to balance out the forum a bit.

Anyway, thanks for posting this, Jennifer, and the next time you see a "weirdness" thread, please do go ahead and post a one-liner bit of sanity. :D

Reine you've hit the nail on the head with this post. Using the "locker room" term, is spot on.

Those "threads" give me the heebie geebies.
I can only imagine what a SO would think if their not acclimatised to such things.

While fantasies are just that, I think some people can get so absorbed in them, they start to feed on them and each other. As I've said before I'm grateful this forum exists. But I do think to keep things in perspective there must be a balance between here and what goes on in real life.

Just my 2 cents worth!

[ReineD]

I for one don't see this as a locker room atmosphere and feel that some posts are out of line in a mixed gender forum.

To everyone, maybe I shouldn't have used the locker room analogy, but if you ever see a post that does not adhere to these or any other of our rules:

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/faq.php?faq=main_rules#faq_content

please do go ahead and report it. We only have a handful of mods to a large volume of posts, and some things get missed or aren't caught straight away.

That said, it's not difficult to learn to post within the rules. Many things can be expressed while avoiding certain words. And so if some of you do not agree with the sentiments expressed in the posts or threads, then by all means go in that thread and post your own two cents worth! :D

This will do more to balance things out than anything else.


Edit - Here's another consideration:

The various TS, CD, and people who are questioning themselves are free to flow through this board as they will and as they should. And no one has in their name "CD", "TS", "Questioning", "Single", "Married", "Hetero", "Bi", or "Gay". LOL. (or "Fantacizing" :D)

And so a male-attracted TS (or several) might well post their very valid opinions in threads located in the CDing section without identifying themselves, which might then cause the GGs who don't visit this part of the boards too often to assume these members are CDers and therefore their opinions represent a sort of "average" outlook.

There is a need to tell any new member of the wide gender and sexual-preference spectrum here, and I think the newer GGs do hear this from both some of the CDers and the other GGs.

[AllieSF]

How about having new GG's just go through a short indoctrination process so that they understand what is inside the covers of this wonderful site? I have seen all kinds of threads here and the truly sick ones get deleted within a day or two by the ever vigilant mods. We are supposed to be 18 years or older to get here and that should be enough to establish an adults only site. What some are indirectly suggesting here is a type of censorship. Who decides what is "weird" or not? Mature adults should be able to weed out the chaff from the valuable grains. Even upset GG's. This site offers so much for so many and is also a safe haven for many. Why? Because of the way that this site has been set up and the ever presence of the Admins and Mods.

I do appreciate that someone completely in the dark may be surprised by some of the threads, all innocent (except for the Mod deleted ones) in my opinion when looking at them as an adult. However, everything in life requires some type of learning curve. A brief intro process for new and anxious GG's would help them get an idea before taking the plunge. The new GG's are in a very vast minority when compared to everyone else here. The same goes for the pantie threads and some of the fantasy, what if, threads too. As has been said many times here in many many threads, if someone does not like the topic from its title or content of the OP, they can easily just not read any further and ignore the thread. Adult GG's, especially the married ones who come here are far from being innocent sheep being led to the slaughter when they enter here not knowing what to expect. They will learn and mature just like anyone else. If they cannot, they probably have other issues that need to be addressed first.

PS: I just read Reine's post above. I agree with reporting posts that fall outside the rules. I have reported a few already. If they follow the rules, they have the right to be here. Period.

[Stephanie47]

I shutter to think what my wife has run across on the Internet if she Googled cross dressers with no filter on. Yuck! At least here there is no cross dressing/transgender porn. That being said, somethings that are posted here would absolutely make a wife cringe. There are way too many in your face encouragements, take it or leave it, postings for a woman, who just found out her husband is a cross dresser. That is not very reassuring that her husband is not going to dart out the door in a dress and heels. I think many of the woman perusing this site will see that the vast majority of the "normal" "routine" cross dressers are in a DADT marriage, who have established a "memo of understanding" as to acceptable boundaries, spoken or implied.

[ReineD]

That's another good point, Stephanie. In addition to the various end points in the gender spectrum (whether someone is a fetish CDer, identity CDer, bigender, or TS), there are the trajectories from point zero to the end points to consider. So a wife starting out with her husband who only dresses at home on Saturday nights with no wig and no forms, might feel uncomfortable reading so many posts about CDers going out in the mainstream who shave, grow their nails, and wear forms and pads. But in a few years she might well be attending events with her husband dressed who has come to do all of these things and who is no closer to "wanting to be a woman who wants men" than before.

[MandyGG]

Jennifer,

It is true that some of the posts and threads are scary for an SO, and it doesn't help when the wife is at a point of loss and total confusion. There is so much to learn, and one of the things to learn quickly, is sifting through the "crap". Thankfully, there are other members here that quickly lead an SO into the right direction and eventually she will learn what fits her situation and what doesn't. Soon enough she will get to a point where she says, "Whew! I am glad THAT isn't my husband!" and she will begin to appreciate him more.

Thank you for your concern for the new SO's! They are just here for answers, in hopes of holding on to their marriages, and need help getting there. For the most part, this is a great group of caring and compassionate people who are just looking out for each other.....and we know a toad when we see one! LOL!

[Jenniferathome]

How about having new GG's just go through a short indoctrination process so that they understand what is inside the covers of this wonderful site?

Adult GG's, especially the married ones who come here are far from being innocent sheep being led to the slaughter when they enter here not knowing what to expect.

Allie, you wrote two things here that I wanted to single out. The first, I agree with wholeheartedly. The second, I have exactly the opposite opinion. They ARE innocent sheep. HOW could they know anything about crossdressing? While they are adults, they can't possibly be prepared for the journey they are on.

[Jenniferathome]

To all picking up on a censorship notion, that is not where I was going. While I find too many posts offensive, I can ignore it. But I'm a crossdresser, not the wife of one. no, it was more of a word of warning to the wives and girlfriends. Tread lightly. I would suggest to the moderators that a "fantasy" section be opened. Easier to ignore sections rather than posts. but mostly, I wanted to apologize in advance to the women who come for help and have to weed through crap and nonsense.

[Marie GG]

@ Presh, your friend is much better off being sent here than finding what usually comes up on Google when you search for crossdressing. This is a support forum to adress issues that come up regarding transgendered people, SO's, family and friends. GG's are sensible enough to realize and question that much of what is discussed here might not apply to their own SO. The FAB forum sounds like it does a great job of helping GG's from panicking about what they may read.

So very true! When I first found out 2 years ago, my husband had suggested this forum, but I thought to myself "Why is he so specific about THIS forum? What is he hiding?" It turns out he was not really hiding anything but trying to protect me from the crazy stuff you find out there googling. The sites I found made things worse, and made me less willing to talk about it. It has taken a long while but I finally desiced to take his advice and check out this forum and I am so glad I did! True Jennifer, there are some posts out there that can be a little out there, but overall in comparison to what I found in my open google search it is nothing.

Thanks for looking out for us new SO's. My husband has been so happy that everyone has been so nice to me. (Maybe it will encourage him to make his first post ;))

[PretzelGirl]

First, I think we should be careful in using words like weird. To many others, this is a word they use for each and every one of us.

But I have preached for a long time that you just can't send someone to this site without having a long chat with them about how you feel and maybe visiting here together the first time. The entire time I have been here, there have been threads in the main forum that don't represent me. They don't have to be near-porn, fetish, whatever.....there is just a lot that doesn't apply. If you tell your wife about yourself and send her here without framing what applies to you, you are setting her up to assume it all applies to you. After all, this is cd.com so everything here must apply to all crossdressers. When you are first learning about something, it is hard to separate out what applies and what doesn't because it is all new. Don't forget, having emotions running in all directions can make it hard to think through everything.

So ultimately it is a personal responsibility when you have someone come here. The path to understanding is mainly about communication. If you send someone here without the communication coming first, you are heading down a difficult and confusing path.

[ReineD]

I would suggest to the moderators that a "fantasy" section be opened. Easier to ignore sections rather than posts. but mostly, I wanted to apologize in advance to the women who come for help and have to weed through crap and nonsense.

I gather this was tried before and it became impossible to moderate since people took advantage of it. And I imagine it would attract an element here who would post nowhere else (or who might spill over into other sections), who might well be best served by staying in the fetish sites they're in now.

Plus, can you imagine all the judgment calls a mod would have to make about whether to move a thread made in the CD section that appears to be pure fantasy, when the OP insists it isn't. Who's to decide who is in a pink fog or not? :straightface:

[Jenniferathome]

And I imagine it would attract an element here who would post nowhere else (or who might spill over into other sections), who might well be best served by staying in the fetish sites they're in now.

A fine reason to NOT do it if I ever read one. We don't need more of that:-)

[busker]

That's another good point, Stephanie. In addition to the various end points in the gender spectrum (whether someone is a fetish CDer, identity CDer, bigender, or TS), there are the trajectories from point zero to the end points to consider. So a wife starting out with her husband who only dresses at home on Saturday nights with no wig and no forms, might feel uncomfortable reading so many posts about CDers going out in the mainstream who shave, grow their nails, and wear forms and pads. But in a few years she might well be attending events with her husband dressed who has come to do all of these things and who is no closer to "wanting to be a woman who wants men" than before.
Perhaps the better solution for neophytes would be to have them sign up ONLY for the FAB section first until they get some time in before "entering the lion's den". Why should a person be subjected to the free for all forum when they are just trying to get to grips with what their husband is doing. I thought it was strange that they had to wade through 10 posts to actually talk to a GG to see what the hell this business was all about.
my 2 pennies worth

[crossdressersfriend GG]

Perhaps the better solution for neophytes would be to have them sign up ONLY for the FAB section first until they get some time in before "entering the lion's den". Why should a person be subjected to the free for all forum when they are just trying to get to grips with what their husband is doing. I thought it was strange that they had to wade through 10 posts to actually talk to a GG to see what the hell this business was all about.
my 2 pennies worth

Yeah but a lot of GGs probably just lurk too, so only get to read these certain sections and don't plan on signing up for any more. So this is what they see?

How about a sticky for new or first time visiting GG's? You couldn't title it GG's cause they wouldn't even know what the heck that was but something welcoming and warning them at the same time?

[ReineD]

Won't work, Busker. Log out of the forum, and then visit it to see what the public can access. Any wife can read the threads in the CD, Transmasculine, TS, & Upcoming Events sections without ever joining the site. And we keep these sections public as a service for CDers/TSs/Transmen who are not ready to join.


Edit - Everyone, believe me, new GGs are told when they join about the breadth of the gender spectrum here. We don't need an announcement, anyone just needs to look at all the forum sections on the Index page. And every time a new GG posts in Loved Ones, there are lots of CDers who remind her of the variety of members here too.

If GGs come here and are too put off to even join and ask questions, there isn't anything that anyone can do. Who knows, these GGs may not be willing to believe the CDers here or their wives who are happily married anyway.

Really, the only way to balance this forum for those of you who object to some of the threads, is to post in these threads and provide your own views!

And last thing ... we keep talking about the contentious threads. But there are also some mighty fine threads here that cannot be ignored. GGs see those too! :)

OK ... this is really the last thing: if a CDer wants his wife to join but is afraid of her reaction to some of the threads, really it's up to HIM to hold her hand before she joins, go through a lot of the threads, discuss what applies and what doesn't, in short, do his best to explain who he is in contrast to the very wide spectrum here.

[Nicole Erin]

I am, however, greatly concerned that you will be put off by so much of the weirdness I see posted daily. I can only offer my perspective of crossdressing but the majority of what I see posted does not reflect my view of a "normal" crossdresser (The irony of using "normal" here is not lost on me). I fear that when you join and begin reading you may run for the hills thinking you entered a freakshow.



If one digs deep enough, they might find some weirdness. There are a few things that were said on here that have become the butt of a few jokes for me and my BFF here on the forum.

It is not so much the fantasy things like how they used to visit their aunt in the summer and had to wear a wedding dress as punishment or how they fantasize about being a walking DNA bank when wearing cinderella slippers, it is the serious comments some people make.

I can just imagine the train wreck if someone showed this forum to their wife who ws trying to understand and the first thread she came upon had something to do with a CD who likes to deposit DNA on dresses at the store or walk around town late at night in a ridiculous Swiss Miss outfit.

Oh christ can you imagine the threads that get deleted and we never get to laugh at, er, read?

[WifeofWrenchette]

Over that last several weeks I have read more and more posts from wives or girlfriends who have discovered their male SO is a crossdresser. I think it's great you are here and trying to get some perspective. I think you will find it.

I am, however, greatly concerned that you will be put off by so much of the weirdness I see posted daily. I can only offer my perspective of crossdressing but the majority of what I see posted does not reflect my view of a "normal" crossdresser (The irony of using "normal" here is not lost on me). I fear that when you join and begin reading you may run for the hills thinking you entered a freakshow.

I really feel a sense of obligation to extend help to any SO looking for information. I know your SO would want that help offered. I can feel the anger and sense of betrayal in so many of your original posts. My wife accepted me easily but I know that is not typical. Please don't read more into so many of the posts than what they are, an individual expressing random nonsense. The vocal minority often get too much press. Please feel free to ask any question and to call bullshit on posts that don't represent you as a woman, wife and person.Thank you for making this thread. I'm sure there are new GG's out there that will appreciate it very much. It is good to see something like this here every now and again.

[Sandra1746]

Reine has it right that the "open" forums are not subject to filtering or censorship. This site has to be about the tamest and most "family friendly" site on the 'net. There are many more out there that can be found with a GOOGLE search that give me the willies.

I recommended this site to my wife to introduce her to my CD tendencies and I didn't try to filter her access. She's an adult and should be able to figure it out herself, it also encourages discussion. Besides, talking to her friends and others you get "...he must be gay", "...that is a sin", "...that is a mental illness". I would prefer her to run across a thread here that is a bit on the edge than deal with a friend who had any of the ideas I mentioned, the friend is not so easily ignored but the site is.

More information is always good, some is inaccurate but that's part of life. This site is one of the best around, keep supporting it.

My $0.02,
Sandra1746

[Taylor186]

A lot of good point here that I agree with wholeheartedly.

I would like to see the 'Loved Ones' section moved up to between the 'Intros' and 'MTF.' SO participation is important to me and that section seems to get lost below the radar when placed so far down the Forum main page.

[Beverley Sims]

One thing this forum has is a waiting time to enter.
Also the 10 posts achievement works well also.
The waiting time filter discourages the fly by nighters and graffiti artists and has a prize at the end of it. The 10 post mark helps people read responses to their views so as when they get more involved they can give more informed replies.
A fantasy section. Would be moderators put up your hands for a 3 year contract.
Difficult to administer, some stories here are fantasy others are plain fantastic.
Judge for yourself which is which.
I look at posts and accept them at face value and it is only after someone has pointed out it is fantasy for some underlying reason I read into it a bit more.
This is a good place to vent your feelings, get help and give your own homespun advice.
There are a hundred and one posts in the naked city and only about forty thousand here.
Start reading.:)

[Jenniferathome]

I would like to see the 'Loved Ones' section moved up to between the 'Intros' and 'MTF.' .... seems to get lost when placed so far down the Forum main page.

Taylor, I think this is a great idea. It is always the first section I check when I log in.

And to all of you who replied and sent me messages over night, it is clear that there are many here who care as I do. I do want to thank this forum for being here. It is a far better source for information than the real freakshow sites out there. It is because of this site and a few caring individuals that I was able to come out to my wife. My life is changed. I now have an obligation.

[Tina B.]

Let's all remember the name of this web site, it is not www.CD wives.com, We may talk about things that GG's may cringe at, but what did we come out of the closet here for if we are going to be stifled. I agree some of the fantasy stuff gets a little wild, but generally when it does get to far out there, members don't mind pointing out how unreal it sounds. I looked at dozens of sites, maybe hundreds, before I found this site, of all those I have visited, this is the only one I belong to, because it is the most decent, lest pornographic, most intelligent conversation I was able to find on the INTERNET, lets not over censure adults, and give them credit for being smart enough to figure out what sounds like there husband and what doesn't. I'm not against GG's on this site, I like it a lot, but I think most of them I have read on here are very smart women, and I bet they can figure out the crap just about as fast as those of us that have been reading it for a long time.
Look how fast Mandy got us figured out. And of course ReineD has had us figured out for ages!
Tina B.

[Ally 2112]

I truly think if you have come out to your SO and direct her to this site (if she is willing ) hold her hand and be there with her to maybe explain some stuff that you are not into .Just do not say hey go to this site it's great se ya tommorrow :)

[Marleena]

I truly think if you have come out to your SO and direct her to this site (if she is willing ) hold her hand and be there with her to maybe explain some stuff that you are not into .Just do not say hey go to this site it's great se ya tommorrow :)

Very good point Ally! If the GG's transgendered partner takes the time to bring them here they must take the time to say what does and does not apply to them. The onus is on the TG partner to try and explain that no two people are alike just like in the "real" world.:)

[Marilyn Beck]

I looked at dozens of sites, maybe hundreds, before I found this site, of all those I have visited, this is the only one I belong to, because it is the most decent, lest pornographic, most intelligent conversation I was able to find on the INTERNET....

The fact that websites promoting CD-related porn, fantasies and other "weirdness" vastly outnumber sites promoting "normal" CDing (like this one) suggests to me that the weirdness appeals to a substantial majority of CDers. I am among those CDers that occasionally visit CD/TG sites for erotic reasons, but I come to this site on a regular basis because it is about the only place where I can find rational discussion of CD and TG issues. I have reached the conclusion that the CD members who post regularly on this forum do not constitute a representative sample of the CD community at large. I believe the membership here is skewed toward non-sexually driven CDers that have no interest in the weird sites. I applaud this site for keeping the content amazing clean, generally free of the erotic content that is the mainstay of most CD sites. But I often roll my eyes when members seem to assert to their SOs that CDers who dress (or visit CD websites) for erotic purposes are part of a fringe element that is not in the mainstream of the CD community. I truly believe that this is the best site for an SO to learn about CDing in general, but I think it is disengenuous to assert that the content and membership here reflects "normal" (in the sense of being statistically average) CD interests and behavior. I suspect a number of CDers who have bizarre sexual CD fantasies and frequent erotic websites refer their SOs to this website to convince them that most CDers (like themselves) really aren't that weird.

[Presh GG]

Jennifer,
and all who wished well to the new GG who is really befuddled by this news in their home [ after thirty + years of marriage]
Thank you !

Erin,
I don't understand 1 thing, how does CD.com make revenue [ Money] from the guests lurking when there isn't any advertizeing ? Please can you explain [ I'm not all that good on the computer age ]
Thanks

Presh
Good night everyone

[kimdl93]

Good advice, Jennifer. There is quite a diversity of opinions and preferences among those posting here, but certainly its better than majority of what are basically porn-oriented CD sites. But you're right to point out that some of the diversity might be a bit off-putting for wives newly exposed to Cding. I suppose the same might be said for any website that deals with subject where gender and sexuality over-lap.

[JeanneF]

I truly think if you have come out to your SO and direct her to this site (if she is willing ) hold her hand and be there with her to maybe explain some stuff that you are not into .Just do not say hey go to this site it's great se ya tommorrow :)

That's good advice. When I came out to my (now) wife, I pointed her in the direction of information that I had already read and filtered. She still doesn't know about this site, and I would like to keep it that way.

The problem with SOs coming to terms with their partner's TGness is that there is a whole lot of tech out there, and a lot of it is really bad or not applicable. I think that the general public tends to pigeonhole us and assumes that everyone's gender journey is the same. I've had a hard enough time just explaining to my wife that there are times when I have zero desire to dress and there are times that it's the only thing I think about, 24/7.

This board can be a scary place for an SO, especially one who is just starting to get accustomed to the shock that her partner is TG. I think that many of us have spent so much time in the closet that being in an environment where one can finally express herself leads to an abuse of that freedom. Let's face it, there are quite a few members of the TG community that are downright weird...either emotionally damaged from the stress of not being able to express their true selves or just strange, awkward people.

[ReineD]

I want to share something.

I was looking for online support when I found out in the beginning. I found this forum without immediately realizing there was a section for GGs. I started to read all the threads in the M2F and I was just so impressed with the camaraderie here and the genuine support. I think in one thread people were planning to go to a convention and they all seemed so friendly, so "normal". I quickly showed this forum to my SO because I knew she was looking to meet people near our town.

Had the forum been primarily about meetups or sex, there's no way I would have shown her this forum. She joined, and I joined a week later after having discovered there was FAB. Still, it took me about 6 months before I had enough posts to join FAB. Instead I poured over the M2F trying to learn and I must say that the "I want to be a woman who has sex with men" threads (in the CD ... not the TS section), didn't cause me to break it off with my SO or anything, but she was rather going through many changes herself (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?175307-Does-non-clothing-appearance-changes-make-you-feel-better&p=2860236&viewfull=1#post2860236) and reading these particular threads combined with all the sex sites out there made me question (sometimes :p) whether or not our relationship would survive. :p

We did survive my SO coming out of the closet however, mostly because we talked about this forum (sometimes). Had the CDing been a DADT situation with us, there's no telling what would have happened.

I likely wouldn't be here now.

[Silentpartner GG SO]

An excellent thread Jennifer. I believe you were the first person to PM me when I joined and I was so encouraged by your "normalness" . Your friendship and advice has helped me enormously in my acceptance of the whole CD thing.
I now have a few CD friends here and all of them are lovely people, and they are normal people, the CD'ing is just a non-issue to me now and its mostly due to these lovely people offering help and support and allowing me to "run things by them" when I needed to.

When I first came here I was a bit shocked at some of the threads and did start imagining that this was my husband, he was secretly wanting to do these things and would start dressing 24/7 etc but of course, that was just over-reaction to what I was reading. when I told my OH about some of the rather unsettling things I was reading he just said "that's not me, dont think everything you read applies to me"

Hopefully new SO's & GG's landing here will have the stomach to stay here and get to the point where they can, like the rest of us, see through the bullsh*t and fantasy and occasionally call it where they see it! In the overall picture, this site has so much to offer, I'm glad I stayed the course.

[Jenniferathome]

I believe you were the first person to PM me when I joined and I was so encouraged by your "normalness" .
In the overall picture, this site has so much to offer, I'm glad I stayed the course.
That's me, just a "normal" crossdresser ;-). I'm glad you stayed too. I hope every wife or girlfriend coming here has the same result because this site can help.

[Debglam]

This is a good thread and IMHO I do think it is a fine line between censorship and driving off the extremely valuable input from the GG's and SO's. My wife has an account and although an infrequent visitor, has gotten some good information from the forum, FAB in particular. Of course, one of her first posts was a valid question about breast forms and some of the "tools" on the forum bit her head off for daring to ask about such a thing! Fortunately (for me) she is pretty tough and wasn't run off by some of the responses.

Yeah, some of the stuff I read on here has me shaking my head but to each his/her own. I DO wish that some people would take a deep breath and THINK before they respond. Is the OP a newbie, a GG or SO, or somebody that needs to be handled with "kid gloves?"

We have all been there. . .

Thanks Jennifer.

Debby

[scarlett]

I truly think if you have come out to your SO and direct her to this site (if she is willing ) hold her hand and be there with her to maybe explain some stuff that you are not into .Just do not say hey go to this site it's great se ya tomorrow :)
Maybe your experience was different but I can speak for many here when I say that the first reaction was not to "hold your hand" but "don't touch me". So these fantasy posts about homosexual contacts and even "worse" are deal killers even when they can only see the topic as in the gm only forum where they can see "have you ever wanted to be taken?",. Yeah, they love that and lots of luck explaining that that isn't you, that you are not a member, and on and on. Of course our mods are more concerned that you might hurt someone's feelings by pointing out their lack of capitalization and punctuation as though anyone who could afford a computer, find this site, and post on it was some how pitifully illiterate and must be coddled.

[scarlett]

Won't work, Busker. Log out of the forum, and then visit it to see what the public can access. Any wife can read the threads in the CD, Transmasculine, TS, & Upcoming Events sections without ever joining the site. And we keep these sections public as a service for CDers/TSs/Transmen who are not ready to join.


Edit - Everyone, believe me, new GGs are told when they join about the breadth of the gender spectrum here. We don't need an announcement, anyone just needs to look at all the forum sections on the Index page. And every time a new GG posts in Loved Ones, there are lots of CDers who remind her of the variety of members here too.

If GGs come here and are too put off to even join and ask questions, there isn't anything that anyone can do. Who knows, these GGs may not be willing to believe the CDers here or their wives who are happily married anyway.

Really, the only way to balance this forum for those of you who object to some of the threads, is to post in these threads and provide your own views!

And last thing ... we keep talking about the contentious threads. But there are also some mighty fine threads here that cannot be ignored. GGs see those too! :)

OK ... this is really the last thing: if a CDer wants his wife to join but is afraid of her reaction to some of the threads, really it's up to HIM to hold her hand before she joins, go through a lot of the threads, discuss what applies and what doesn't, in short, do his best to explain who he is in contrast to the very wide spectrum here.

Ain't gonna work. The GG SO who comes here in shock from the news that her former macho man want's to dress like a girl isn't going to be analytical and she is not going to want him to hold her hand. Her attitude is more "don't touch me". If you don't eliminate those posts that support her fears, it will reinforce her fear that her husband/boyfriend/SO wants men, wants a sex change, or is just generally a pervert.

[ReineD]

Ain't gonna work. The GG SO who comes here in shock from the news that her former macho man want's to dress like a girl isn't going to be analytical and she is not going to want him to hold her hand. Her attitude is more "don't touch me". If you don't eliminate those posts that support her fears, it will reinforce her fear that her husband/boyfriend/SO wants men, wants a sex change, or is just generally a pervert.

Women have different personalities, Scarlet, and couples have different dynamics. Granted, this approach won't work for an angry wife if she finds out after 20 years of marriage and she holds traditional views of gender roles, especially if she found out by finding her husband's femme profile on a dating site looking for "gurlz" and saying he's bi. But it does work if a husband tells his wife when his need to CD becomes stronger, before having established online profiles and accumulated trunkfuls full of clothes. And it works admirably well at the beginning of any relationship if he has been CDing for a while and he knows himself well. :)

[CINDYO]

thanks Jennifer
your post will probably help a new GG/SO. It takes time, lots of reading, lots of love and understanding. When I found out about crossdressing, first thing i did was google "crossdresser". Have you ever done that and seen what come up. OMG talk about mind blowing, esp since it is about your husband that you are seeking this info. It is perverted, sick, homosexual activity with men dressed is sleesie lingerie, and then you join a site and read about all the crossdressers that dress in womans lingerie and what they like to do when they are so dressed, again mind blowing to a GG that has always thought she had a normal marriage. Only with time, communication, self education- lots of it, and sifting thru posts and being able to identify and trash which posts are for.. shock value, from creepy wierdos,from a closet dresser letting him imagination run free, can a SO begin to understand. There are many many differend types of crossdressers and for different reasons. The sexual aspect, the going out in public dressed like a women, the dreaming of getting attention from men or being with a man when dressed, is very difficult for a wife, just like it would be for a husband should the role be reversed.