Advice for a wife of a cd,

[bessy]

Hello everyone, my partner told me last Tuesday he was gay, Wednesday He told me he was having a midlife crisis, and Thursday he was a CD, after 17 years together it's come as a shock, I can happily be with him and have.no problems with his dressing, I'm happy to join in, what's upset me and I'm finding hard to accept is he wants us to have sex with another CD, does this mean he's gay ? Or is this normal he now says he is bisexual and only fancies CDs and wants me to be part of this new journey, he's been dressing less than a year and he's going on sites on the cam meeting girlfriends, any help is much appreciated.

[Shelly Preston]

Hi Bessy

Firstly :welcom: to the forum

There is no such thing as normal but I would say it is unusual.
Your partner needs to slow down giving all of this information and not giving you time. It seems like you are being rushed down a path without much thought for your feelings. I think you need to sit down and have a long discussion because of all the implications this could have for both of you.

[janet54]

Bessy. Oh my that is a lot for you to handle. As Shelly said you need a sit down and find out what is what. After all this time you have in this relationship. That was so unfare to jusy get all that thrown at you. My wife is suppotive of me and there i no way I would ever cheat on her. Honey you better have a long look at things and what you want in your life also. Best wishes to you.

[WifeofWrenchette]

Hi Bessy,

Welcome to the forum. I am the wife a crossdresser too. Your husband needs to know there is a line between what is acceptable to you and what is not. You need to have the conversation with him that the dressing is something you can accept, but having sex with a third party is not.

Since he is new to cross dressing he may be in a "pink fog" or trying to figure his sexuality and/or gender. There is plenty on here to explain everything to you. My advice is to read, read, read and learn all you can.

After you make 10 posts and do a phone interview you may be able to join the FAB Section "female at birth". We consist of the wives/significant others of the members here and may be able to support you emotionally.

Hope to see you soon in FAB!

[Kate Simmons]

Sometimes the feelings can be overwhelming Bessy. It's a lot to drink from at once. Once things settle out a bit, he may find he doesn't really have those feelings at all. It is unreasonable, in my opinion, for him to expect you to go along with things to that extent. Time will tell Hon.:)

[Darla]

Hi Bessy
As as a CD (possibly going through a midlife crisis myself) I can understand where he might be coming fron, but the way in which this was communicated seems a little unfair. It's fair to ask him to tell the truth as best he can about what his needs are when he figures it out, and then let you know so you can deal with it. After so long a marriage, I'd think that there should be the respect to do this. It sounds like he's got his head so wrapped up in the things he's never going to do in this lifetime that he's going for broke. But I give you a lot of credit for being open to the crossdressing. Me personally - I understand the no go on the sex with others. I know it works for some couples, but it couldn't in mine.

Therapy! My parting words. Get him into a councilor, either him alone, or possibly together (especially if you want to jointly understand where he's headed or coming from).

I wish you the best of luck, and your posting here is a brave and wise thing to do. You look like you're searching for those answers, maybe in a vacuum. Ask your spouse to do the same and share those things together. It's seems the very least he can do.

[Annie D]

Wow! It looks like the damn broke and everything is pouring out pretty much at the same time. I think that it should be you that needs to slow down; right now you seem to be the only sane person in your relationship and in control of yourself. Your partner dropped a ton of thoughts and emotions on you in less than 72 hours. My advice is for you to remain calm, give yourself time to assess the damage and then take action. How long is enough time? Perhaps a week or even two. Relationships are like an injury suffered in life; it either gets better or it gets worse. After 17 years together, you owe yourself and your partner the time and space for things to get better or worse. Overreaction now could destroy your relationship and from where I sit, you are the only rational person in the union.

[Karren H]

How many closets can one person come out of in a week? Lol. What's not normal about your post is that your not pissed off about him not telling you for 17 years?

[Roberta Marie]

I have to agree with Darla and would suggest seeing a counselor. However, make sure that the counselor that you choose has experience in gender issues and marriage support.

It sounds like your husband is tryng to sort out a lot about himself. He may not undertand a lot, and he may be as scared as you are, with just as many questions. Communication is the key to understanding. Discussions will help both of you undersatnd each other's issues as well as your own issues. A good counselor can facilitate this process.

I think that you are to be lawded for not running out the door screaming. The fact that you are willing to try to understand this, and that he is willing to share these issues with you, speaks highly of your relationship.

[Jill Devine]

I am so sorry to hear. You have been put in an awful situation. In my opinion this topic is more to do with adultery (or an "open" marriage) than cross dressing!

It's threads like this that really freaks out other wife's who then assume all CDs secretly want to have sex with other men. Not true! Fact is that most CDs are committed and faithful partners simply seeking understanding. Sadly, in this case, 2 separate and unconnected topics have surfaced: sexual orientation and sexual freedom. Let's not wrap everything under a CD blanket.

[Jill Devine]

How many closets can one person come out of in a week? Lol. What's not normal about your post is that your not pissed off about him not telling you for 17 years?
LOL. My thoughts too.

[katie_barns]

I agree with Annie that the dam broke loose and everything came pouring out. Of course that isn't fair to you! I believe that everyone here will say communications is the key to making it through this. Being a CD does not mean that person is gay. There are lots of hetrosexual CD's. At one point in my life I thought I must be gay because of my dressing. I later found out that my sexual identity and sexual orientation were two different things. I like identifying as female but I am straight. Sounds like he is confused fantasy with reality. The way he dumped it on you, I would say he is not sure what is going on himself. Of course I am no one to judge. I have few answers for myself :)

A few things I have learned over the years : 2 men having sex is considered gay no matter how they were dressed coming into it. Also Cheating is cheating even if you call it a 'New Journey'.

Still, I would give him time to figure all this out. He is obviously confused himself.............. But while that is going on Communicate, Communicate,Communicate

[Cynthia Anne]

I think he is still trying to figure out who he is! Communication is very important here! It's time for you to put your foot down and let him know what you can accept! The hell you have been put through in one week is astounding to say the least! What ever you decide I hope the best for you! Remember you are among friends here so feel free to talk to us anytime! It's a pleasure to welcome you here! Hugs!

[Jenniferathome]

Have sex outside of wedlock would be a deal breaker for me. And, yes, having sex with a man makes him gay. This is not typical crossdresser behavior. I'd say it is more fantasy thinking or if following through then gender identity issues.

I suggest you two get to therapy to help figure this out.

[kristinacd55]

How many closets can one person come out of in a week? Lol. What's not normal about your post is that your not pissed off about him not telling you for 17 years?

Yowsa! What a first post.....that's a lot to swallow in one week. Anyway Bessy, welcome to the forum and you've come to the right place although I would think that the post would be moved to loved ones or newcomers. Have to agree with Karren too. I'd say that your hubbies a bit....confused. Therapy time for sure for both of you.

[Marleena]

I wonder what next week will bring??:D

Seriously though it sounds like pink fog (the dreaded 2 words). Therapy seems indicated it sounds out of control.

[Tina B.]

Hello everyone, my partner told me last Tuesday he was gay, Wednesday He told me he was having a midlife crisis, and Thursday he was a CD, after 17 years together it's come as a shock, I can happily be with him and have.no problems with his dressing, I'm happy to join in, what's upset me and I'm finding hard to accept is he wants us to have sex with another CD, does this mean he's gay ? Or is this normal he now says he is bisexual and only fancies CDs and wants me to be part of this new journey, he's been dressing less than a year and he's going on sites on the cam meeting girlfriends, any help is much appreciated.
Wow Bessy, you've had a heck of a week, that's a lot to absorb so quickly, I take it you didn't have any idea, until he told you. First many times, CD's will have fantasies, of being a women, and part of that fantasy sometimes is being made love to like a women. But in reality, if he is hetero, it would not work out to be satisfactory, so the question arises, has he ever made love with a man? How do you feel about his wanting to experiment, and do you really want to "join in".
What do you mean you are willing to join in, his dressing, or sex with a third party? It could be a bad case of "pink fog" as we call it, where you let that need take over you common sense, and you jump into femininity at the deep end without a life jacket. It may pass, if not, you have a lot to decide, and you might remind him, what he does has an impact on the whole family, so maybe you two should talk before things go to far.
Is he gay, I don't know, you don't know, and just maybe he doesn't really know either.
Tina B.

[Shananigans]

It sounds like he has a lot more going on than just being a CD.

For the record...being bisexual doesn't mean that you have to go out there and "explore" your sexuality. People that are bisexual are more than able to be monogamous, faithful, and fulfilled in a relationship with a person of either gender. I happen to be with a GM and I would never play the bi-card on him to go out and explore my sexuality. What is there to explore? I'm attracted to both genders, but I love my SO. Exploration over. So, do not let him pull that card on you either. If you are okay with an open-marriage, that is fine. But, you should not be pushed into anything that makes you uncomfortable. Contrary to popular male belief, you can explore your sexuality without putting your penis into every hole you can find. So, if he needs to talk to someone about dealing with his sexuality...he can talk to a therapist. Do NOT buy that bullsh*t of him needing to find himself through sex with other people.

Also, protect yourself since it sounds like he is wanting to meet up with the classiest of people. Would you want to share your husband with some guy he has been seeing over webcam? It's like throwing his d*ck into a blender. Don't go there.

I'd say you two need to go to a therapist pronto. And, until that meeting, spell out your expectations to him. If you expect him to honor your marriage vows and be faithful, remind him of that.

I also hate to say it, but things could end in divorce. So, you want to protect yourself here too. This may mean that you need proof of what he has been doing.

Again, being selfish and unfaithful is not a crossdressing problem. It's not even a bisexual problem. It's a problem special to your husband. He needs to respect you. But, this does require respect for himself first.

[sometimes_miss]

Jill wrote:

It's threads like this that really freaks out other wife's who then assume all CDs secretly want to have sex with other men. Not true! .
This is the biggest problem; not all of us really know WHAT we're feeling, sometimes it takes a long time to figure it out even with professional help. When I was a kid, and felt good dressed as a girl, I too thought I should want to have sex with other males, because I felt like a girl and thought that was what I should want to do. But what I really wanted was to have sex with girls, while still being allowed to feel, dress, and behave like a girl as well. Bessy, I sincerely hope your husband will try to speak to a therapist before acting on feelings that may be pushing him faster than he should be going. There are lots of men who mistakenly interpret one feminine desire or feeling as defining a guy as either gay or transsexual. There's often a whole lot of feelings going on under the surface of our behavior that we do not understand, but our need to define ourselves and others in order to know how to interact with other people often pushes us to preliminary decisions based on incomplete information.

[kimdl93]

I doubt your partner is particularly sure what he is. He probably is having a midlife crisis, but hasn't spend nearly enough time reflecting on all of this. I'd simply advise counseling to him so that he can actually come to grips with the various things driving his behavior and sort out his real interests from his fantasies.

[RADER]

Hi Bessy, and welcome to the forum;
WOW!! You got hit with a ton of bricks all at once. It is great of you to find us here,
And look for answers to some of your questions. I admire you for that.
As stated by others here, adding a third party to a "Marriage" is just a recipes for
disaster.
You have to sit down with your SO and have a real talk about this. I could see if he
wanted to wear female clothes to bed, say a night gown or something similar,
But to have an extra person, of either sex, is just not a good thing in my book.
My wife and me have been marries for over 18 years, She is OK with my dressing,
But I do stay at home with it, (Closeted) as I would never pass outside.
I do not try to overwhelm her with constance dressing.
Hope to see more of you here, Thanks for sharing,and joining.
Rader

[Barbara Ella]

welcome Bessy. You have had more info dumped on you than you can process. I suggest you both stop everything until your feelings can be accurately identified, therapy may be needed. From what you say, i dont believe for a minute that your husband has a clue as to what he really is. He is just doing things to be doing them, saying things because he has heard them. He REALLY needs to put a hold on things and get his timeline straight as to when he found out what he was etc.

Dear, you need to be in control, not him. Do not let him do anything at all that you are ot 100% in line with. NOTHING. He is so confused that you both will get into deep trouble if you listen to him right now. You may love him to death, and be willing to do anything he would ask, but NO. Your love must be structured and sane. Rhght now, he is not thinking straight, and you need to be.

Put a halt to anything. Sit down and talk with him and get him to really define what he is, why he thinks he is. This may take weeks, as has been mentioned. If he really cares for you, he wont care. If you are not comfortable with those web cam siters, put them off limits. they are not really a part of what he thinks he is, Don't bring others into your bed. Works for some, but unless you have done it before, this is no reason to start.

OK, just MHO, so take them or not. But please, put yourself in charge. Take time.

Hugs for you sweetie. Barbara

[Davena Doll]

This souds like what I did. I could tell a long story of how it went down, but I'm not. The short story is I told her everything whithin a week, she cried for a month. Now we both have boy friends and are very happy. To answer your question, if two CDs have sex is that gay sex? the answer is yes

[diane too]

donno, i guess i see things from a different angle sometimes. seems husband has held his feelings in for so long he felt he was going to explode if he didn't tell his SO how he felt inside. feelings don't always translate into reality, there are times we think we want to ride a roller coaster and when we do we are sorry for it after, could be the same for him, his bi or gay feelings may not be what he wants once he tries it. i am kind of glad he came forth with his feelings and not done something else he might have sorry for and SO should be happy that he trusted her and loves her enough to say how he feels. the more we are repressed the more we want something...i say let things go the way he wants, to a limit, and let them both find the path to the rest of their lives, anything less, or repressing inner feelings may end in something neither of them want.

[sterling12]

IMHO, way too much stress to inflict on a partner in such a very short time. Has something precipitated this huge blow-up? It seems that your partner is trying to "burn all the bridges" by enforcing such a heavy burden on you. If I were in your shoes, My first question would probably be one of the toughest ones, but I would want to know: "Do you want to end this marriage?" It seems like he's trying to force a confrontation.

Logic dictates to not blow everything up so quickly! Try to stay calm and keep your cool. Counseling seems like a very smart First Step.

"Down The Road," you just might get a very remorseful partner. A lot of CD's get "curious" about being treated like a woman, and they fantasize about some "Romance Novel" Type of Relationship with another CD or a Man. The Reality is often quite different, and often disappointing. So if you can stand the abuse, betrayal, and heartache you are no doubt feeling, it MIGHT get better. How much better, no one can tell.

Thank you for sharing with us. Your story may frighten a lot of women. But, it does happen in a tiny percentage of relationships where one partner is transgendered. Perhaps some other GG Forum Members will read of your dilemma, and look at The Advise, and get some help in solving their situations.

Peace and Love, Joanie

[NicoleScott]

Yes, that's a big load to dump one someone all at once. But, better to know than not. If he comes out first as a CD, the usual questions will follow (are you gay? etc.) He would have to answer honestly. He just answered all the pertiment questions before they were asked.