I'm in pain

[natacsha]

I moved back into my parents house after my break-up with my ex about 2 years ago. Since then I've been in school full time and financial aid was helping with expenses. I stopped selling real estate (sales in general for about 15 years) so I could pursue a career in nursing. I knew the sacrifices I was gonna have to make in order to do this. Basically, very little money and moving back in with mom and dad. I was willing to because I want to become a nurse and i know that it will pay off in the long run and I also took pride in thinking I would be able to spend some more time with them because they are getting older and I wasn't the best child, teen, young adult to them and I wanted a better relationship with them..mom and I were always cool and though I love them equally, my dad can be and has been a major prick!! Old school middle eastern mentality with a severe napoleon complex. growing up, once I reached about 15 and knew I could kick his ass, I still tolerated his cruel punishments and harsh words and to this day (32) I still do. He knows how sensitive I am to his words and he pounces at the first chance he can get to take advantage of my weakness. I can tolerate just about anything anyone on this earth can throw at me but he's my dad. I can't put that wall up around him as I do the rest of the world, especially while I am living here. Besides, I hate walls. I do anything and everything around the house to maintain some sense of order. I don't pay rent but he already knew that I was gonna be a full time student and with no college history, I needed all the time I could spare for school and not work.

The older he gets, the more tyrannical he becomes (maybe cause he knows he's aging and feels the need to overcompensate by becoming more of a d**k than he already is cause it possibly feeds the beast??) and it's getting worse and worse by the day. He is such a prick with me. I can't do a darn thing right and he picks at every thing he can to fuss about....ALWAYS ALL THE TIME NON STOP 24/8!!!! I CAN'T TAKE IT!!! IT KILLS ME INSIDE TO MY CORE AND I JUST WANNA DO SOMETHING STUPID EVERYTIME HE GETS LIKE THIS. sorry. I just wanted to make sure everyone knows how this makes me feel. I try so hard to be a good person and to get shot down by him time after time after time....one would admit themselves into asylum after a day. I promise. He hassles me for eating for crying out loud and I'm little, I don't eat that much! I spent over 4 hours today getting the house ready to show for a potential buyer. I got drilled for the stupidest of things, he comes in the bathroom where I was releasing the holy chingone and starts bitching me out for stuff.....in the bathroom! and people were 40 ft away in the kitchen! I have heard all too many times that he shouldn't speak the way he does. his friends say he is a prick to us. and he wonders why I was so rebellious when i was younger. My brother is the smarter one. he's 4 years younger and he handles my dad like a pro. It took for him to actually become like my dad in order for him to understand and respond to him in the same aggressive kinda manner. something that I just feel like I can't do. I will not be like him but I have too much respect for my dad to cuss him out like my brother does. but he doesn't live here so he can do that if he wants. thing is, it doesn't really bother my dad when my brother retaliates, but should I (and I do, and when I do, all hell breaks lose and i let him have it and I feel damn good afterwards too.) but I don't nor will I live by doing to him what he does to me. I'm better than that. and he knows it and it pisses him OFF!!

My semester just ended and I can't get into summer school because the classes I need are already filled up. ergo, no financial aid. I think I have enough patience in my tank to make it through another month or two without completely going ballistic. I need your help though. anything that anyone can say.. I'm gonna start putting resumes out tomorrow for a summer job and hopefully something comes up but I am looking to get outta here asappppp. It kills me to see how upset he gets over the simplest of things and I don't wanna be the cause of a heart attack. Is there any way to make money online either as he or she that does not involve sex? Sorry for the ridiculous rant but I just realize that he and I will never have a good relationship and that i need to get outta here to salvage what ever is left. he urks me. watches over me like a child when I'm doin something..to insecure with himself to delegate. I thought he was like this for a while to make me a stronger person, but i am a strong person and he knows that. mentally, physically, I am tuff!! lol and I am also a little girl that needs be handled gently. did he make me like this?? I know I was different as a child anyways but he certainly didn't help. if you look closely, you can almost see destiny revealing itself. any help, advice, questions? no, he never raped or molested me but I met his backhand enough times and his words are worse than any physical beat down i could take. really.

[outhiking]

I suggest hitting every decent business around. Even stocking groceries at night would give you some confidence and help you feel you are getting back onto your feet. For me, I have to stay busy and this would give you time to review your studies during the day...at the library :-)

[Mona]

Hi Natacsha,
You've already made the right decision, to put distance between your dad and you by moving out. Use your anger to look for that job, save money, find a decent apartment or flat. You probably already know you can't change your dad and you certainly don't deserve his bad treatment!

[Cassi3]

Hi Natacsha,
You've already made the right decision, to put distance between your dad and you by moving out. Use your anger to look for that job, save money, find a decent apartment or flat. You probably already know you can't change your dad and you certainly don't deserve his bad treatment!

I completely agree! I'm in the process of doing the same. I know how you feel. My father too is has a narcissistic napoleon complex which seems to get worse with each passing day. Focus your anger on moving out and finding work. Get some new hobbies to take your mind off of it.

[natacsha]

Hi girls. Thank you for the advice and thats what im gonna continue to focus on. Im not an angry person...no one i know would ever accuse me of being angry. If asked, they would probably say, "No, definitely not angry, actually quite the opposite. The only time he gets angry is when he talks about his dad which is hardly ever." im hardly home. Im an active person and until yesterday i was at school 6 days a week. I wrote the post with 2 things in mind. One, i need to get this outta my system. Second, i need to know from people out there that im not the only person who's father beat them up verbally and WHY??? what does the old man get from it?? Im such a gentle person in nature it would practically be a sin to cuss someone like me out. I give no reason for that.

[docrobbysherry]

Natacsha, I'm not sure this will help but, yours is a fairly common story. I thot my father was the worst tyrant! With a hair trigger temper! And, I was the ONLY ONE he picked on! Then, I heard stories from my friends in high school that made him sound like a sweetheart! At least he never came home drunk and woke me up to beat the crap out of me! You're lucky u could take your dad if it gets physical. I don't think I could have held my own with my judo instructor dad until he was well over 70!

But, here's some good news! Altho everything I did wasn't good enuff in my teens and 20's, when I finally became a business success in my 30's, his attitude changed! I think he was worried that I was going to be a woosy looser my entire life! When I accomplished things entirely on my own he finally was proud. At first, he didn't say it, but I could tell! In his later years, he said it ALL THE TIME! My dressing? I began AFTER he passed! He would have HATED IT and would never have wanted to understand! He despised weakness in men and didn't seem to have many himself. Maybe there's some similarities to your dad?

I wonder? Does he know u dress?

[natacsha]

Hi sherry. I guess it could be worse. He saw me successful. i made very good money in real estate up until the lat couple years i was in it. i wanted to escape from sales...which i was good at but not happy doing. I shouldve mentioned that i was on my own for over 10 years. Me coming back here was talked and agreed upon mutually and amicably. I thought we had developed somewhat of a respectable relationship. He tricked me!! I think he just does what he does cause he knows i allow it. Is there any hope here? And he caught me red handed about 10+years ago. He thought it ended back then.

[Nicole Erin]

sounds like my step dad. It is the reason about 1.5 years ago i decided not to communicate with him anymore.
People like that thrive on others' being down.

People like that get more miserable as they age. Normally the rest of the family is relieved when such members finally kick the bucket.

One thing that might work - Yell and be abusive back. If it turns into a physical fight, so be it, fight as hard as you can.
Even in the unlikely case that you get your ass beat by the ol man, he will think twice before laying a hand on you again.

Even if it needs only be yelling and shouting, he is probably not used to you standing up for yourself so when you decide to, he won't know how to react. And do not buy into whatever guilt trip he tries to put you on. Make a mockery of it.

Best thing though is to find another place to stay even if with a friend or whoever. Once you get out of his house, do not look back.

I know what your dad is like from my own experiences with my step-dad. AND I pretty much hate him.

[Andy66]

Natacsha, so sorry to hear you have suffered such rough treatment. Please allow me to point you in a few directions. I hope one or more will help you.

Book: Toxic Parents by Dr. Susan Forward

Self help group: Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA) can help even if your parents are not actually alcoholics

Subject to research on the internet: Narcissistic Personality Disorder

[Deidre]

the job part is easy hun jost look for jobs maybe doin computer consuting maybe even start a business with it if people need help with things on their comps just answer their questions and its not hard you can always ask freinds for help if you dont know or direct them to a place that can help the local business thing sounds great too

i am a nursing student too and just got dropped for low compleation rate but im not letting that stop me i found a local nursing home that does cna classes and even helps try to get finacial assistace through our local Workforce center maybe this fall i will just take online classes to finish my rn training :)

[mikiSJ]

Natacsha

One of the really devastating issues regarding the recent recession is adult children coming back into the house and sometimes being treated like children again. I have both of my adult children back in the house. I have always had a good relationship with my kids and I do not interfere in their lives.

Natacsha, I understand your problem, and you need to get away - quickly or your situation will eat you up.

My problem wasn't a father but a mother who had a sociopathy I never could fully describe. Every chance she had she would do her best, and always in the company of one my friends and later my first wife, to belittle me. Her comments weren't like using an axe, but more like using a little pen knife. A nick here, a nick there and the scars build up. I am sure she new I dressed. She never came out and confronted me about, but made her little comments that had that "double entendre" aspect

I finally said enough and I "divorced" her. The only time we were ever together would be for a holiday and then I made sure it was only for an hour or so. The last time I saw her was a day before she died and had gathered the family together to say goodbye. Even then her little digs picked up again. I walked out and that was the last time I saw her and I have no guilt about how it ended.

It is sometimes very difficult to walk away: from a marriage, friendship or family. But very, very often it may be the only way to save your soul.

Good luck, dear. Please check back in.

[Thera Home]

My dearest Natasha,
This will be hard but sit down with your father privately and have a heart to stone discussion. The reason is I have children and it seems like sometimes they dont understand me much. I was known as the stone to my children until my heart was changed from above and they have taught me to listen. My wife has been trying for years. When they would talk
to me they would do it with such tenderness. I feel for you and keep on keeping on.

Thera

[WyrmQueen]

I think fathers like that don't deserve your love and respect. I say beat him up.

You don't choose your family, sometimes we're just unfortunate enough to be stuck with a family member that is so loathsome.

I mean I know everyone thinks that you're supposed to love your family unconditionally, but who made that rule up? Especially if they're absolute hateful pricks towards you. Why love them unconditionally when they can't do the same?

I say stand up to him, don't take his abuse. Moving out is just a band-aid. Your father is a bully, you should confront him.

[Cynthia Anne]

It's time to quit running! Stand up to him! Let him know that the very next time he shows his ass that you are outta' there! Ask him if that's what he wants! Let him know that it really doesn't matter what he wants 'cause you are gonna break off all ties with him if HE doesn't grow up and act like a man! If you like to be bullied then keep doing what you're doing! If not then STAND UP to him! And most of all do not back down from your word! Hugs!

[Kate Simmons]

Like most bullies your Dad suffers from low self esteem. The only way he can compensate is to pick on someone (like you) who can't or won't fight back. The way I see it Hon is that you just have to tough it out until you can leave that situation, then he be forced to deal with himself and his own devices but karma will ensure you are compensated, you need do nothing my friend.:)

[Imeni]

I only read a few of the posts because it just gets to be sooo much after reading issues everyone had. I was no exception.

My father, not dad, father, has always been an angry man. A few years before I was born, he was in an accident. Serious brain damage. So im told that it was so serious that he couldn't talk, couldn't read nor write, had zero recollection of anything before waking up scared in the hospital. But he remembered enough that he knew my mum was someone very close to him. Slowly, he learned to be a functioning adult again but suffered because he didn't remember his schooling, how to do anything. No real memory of his friends or his life before the accident. And oh he has a temper. All the men on that side of the family do, I'm no exception. But early on in life you learn to control it. Either self control, or a therapist. Or getting your little tiny child behind handed to you by a bigger, faster kid.

So when it came to him loosing his temper due to several large factors, he took it out on my mom, an extremely kind woman who due to an illness at birth, can't walk. She has many years under her belt so now she's limited to her wheelchair but wasn't always. I have heard stories that he would hit her with me sitting on the floor as an infant, I have heard many an atrocity by his hand. I have wittnessed first hand his anger. Did I mention he was an alchoholic?

I think my saving grace has always been that I'm his only kid. His son. His boy. Never in my life have I ever worried about him hitting me. Sure he'd scream. Hoot and holler. Beat the ever holy hell out of someone else, but never me.

My time on this earth, with the limited amount of time I allow him to see me has taught me patience. And wisdom before my years would normally allow. He is my example of why I don't drink. Or smoke. Or do drugs. I see myself in him, and I do not like what I see. My advice to you is either grow a shell and let his crap just bounce off, or try and see why exactly he picks on you.

Is it some bizarre life lesson he's trying to show you? By being a complete ass, he's toughening you up? Life isn't happy, or kind, or even generally easy. Mix in the fact that you're a crossdresser and took a career in a less than male dominated field and maybe he's thinking that the only way he can make a difference in your life is to continuely beat you into the ground before you can come up for seconds, so you'll be stronger in the long term because of it. But, if you can't handle that... yeah. Go grab some part time job that lets you have your own place and do your schooling in your off-time. Yeah, it might take you a little longer to get through it all but at least you won't have his issues on your shoulders.

[jillleanne]

Might sound crazy but I'd punch him as hard as possible between the eyes and tell him straight into those eyes, " that's because I love you more than you do me." I suspect he will do a 360 and begin to respect you and treat you like a person. You do not have to take the mental abuse he dishes out regardless of anything else. As for work, go back to the true and tried method; bang on doors until someone opens one. One will open.

[Beth Mays]

Never had a Dad or a male role model on my life... and from reading this maybe it's just as well I did not.
I was the only male in a house of Female from age 5 until my 30's.... wonder what effect that had?

[Kate Simmons]

Never had a Dad or a male role model on my life... and from reading this maybe it's just as well I did not.
I was the only male in a house of Female from age 5 until my 30's.... wonder what effect that had?I can only say Beth that if I had been your Dad, I would be very proud to have you as my son/daughter.:)

[kimdl93]

I agree with the recommendation to find something - any employment opportunity. Every buck helps. Even consider volunteering at a local hospital or other charitable organization. It may not make you any money but it will get you contacts and look good on a resume...besides it will get you out of the house.

As for your father, my advice is to think about how to address his anger directly. Ask him point blank why he's so angry. And practice not reacting to his angry behavior and slights. (sounds like you'll have plenty of opportunities). With each assault, remind yourself that you are a good person. Be proud that you're taking very concrete steps to improve your opportunities in life by going back to school. Express your appreciation for your parents' willingness to help, but at the same time, remember that you're making concrete efforts to help out while your living with them. Basically, counteract each comment with a positive statement to yourself.

[Foxglove]

Hi, Natacsha! Let me start my post by saying something really silly. Do you know one thing I'm proud of these days? My nails. I've let them grow out, and they look really pretty when I paint them. One day recently when I was in the supermarket I noticed that the checkout girl had her nails painted, but hers weren't nearly as long as mine. I was rather proud of myself.

The point? Until a few months ago, when I joined this forum, I had been a lifelong nail-biter. The reason for that was I grew up with a dad who was much like yours. He had a violent temper that he never saw any need to control, he was a strict disciplinarian, and his way of correcting what he saw as improper behavior (and he saw a lot of behavior as improper) was a liberal use of the belt. But I think what got me the most was his sheer unpredictability. He could be bright and sunny one moment, and the next moment he'd be a raging storm. You never knew when he was going to break loose. Is it any wonder I bit my nails? My nerves were completely shot.

I went a lot of years after I left home without talking to him much (or my mother, either). What could I say? What did I want to say? It was lucky for him I never got anywhere near as big as him. Lucky for me, too, because I'd have spent a good portion of my life in prison.

Now he's very old, and he hasn't changed one bit. But I have. He can still be difficult, unpredictable, but of course he doesn't scare me any more. And as mad at him as I still am, I feel a lot of pity for him. From the little he's told me about his childhood, I believe the rug was pulled out from under his feet at a very early age. He never had a chance to develop a healthy sense of himself. And he reacted angrily. Easy to understand. But he vented his anger on me and my sister and brother--thereby causing us some problems, which we've handled much better than he did. Among the three of us we have five kids, all of whom are good and well-adjusted people.

One thing my dad was big on was rules. He had lots of rules, and you'd better make sure you followed them. I think all the rules he made were a substitute for his ego. They gave him some ground to stand on. They defined his world for him, so that he could know where he stood. His view was, "This is the way the world should be, and you'd better make d*** sure you keep it that way." When you broke one of his rules, you caused him pain, because you were challenging his view of the world, challenging his ego. And he couldn't take that. He reacted with violence.

Natacsha, I personally think that talking to your dad is useless. If he wants to change (which he probably doesn't) he has to understand he has issues. But lots of people go through their entire lives never taking a look at themselves. I feel quite sure my dad doesn't know he has serious issues that he should have started dealing with a long time ago. He thinks he's exactly what a man should be. I feel sure he's never considered the idea that maybe there are things going on within him that he should address.

I don't think there's any talking to people like that. I really think you need to get out. It may be difficult for you, given your circumstances, but if it were me, I'd get out. And then you won't ever have to talk to him or see him again if you don't want to. You'll have control of your relationship. If you want to try to mend your fences, maybe you'll find a way to do that. It'll be up to you. But getting out is the only real solution I see. I hope things improve for you very quickly.

Best wishes, Annabelle

[Nicole Erin]

Like I said before - OK if or when you confront him, things could get ugly but might need to be.

Be well prepared at that point for him to try to lay in a guilt trip. I don't know what it would be in your case. He could start in about how he had to sacrifice, how things used to be so good, how this or that happened...

I think it is kind of stupid how some parents talk about the sacrifices they made as parents. Well that is part of being a parent.

If you do have another place to go, take it. It could probably not be any worse than where you are at now.

[natacsha]

I just want to say thank you soooo very much for taking time out to read and respond to this. I know it isn't the easiest thing to discuss but you have all helped in so many ways and I just want to go through and take the time to say something back to everyone as you did me. Please keep in mind that much of it seems repetitious but all the same, my gratitude remains the same to everyone. you have all helped me through this much faster than it normally would've taken. So big BIG HUGE hugs and kisses to all of you. You all deserve more.



hey

Hi Erin. he's 71 and I'm 32. If I laid a hand on him it would more than likely put him in the hospital. Even though he may deserve it, I still have too much love and respect for him. He isn't a horrible person, just always angry and looking for something to blame. Thank you for your response sweetie.


Hello

Hi Andy. Thank you for the references. I will look into it. :)


hey you

Hi Deidre! I am more than pleased that you took the time to read and respond to this despite what just happened to you. I wish there was more I could say to help you because I think my problem pales in comparison to yours. It's not that I don't want to offer something, I just can't relate and I know there are more than enough people here to be able to offer words of comfort through their own experiences of dealing with the loss of a family member. I hope all is well with you and thanks for offering some suggestions. I do appreciate it. Hugs and Kisses babe! XOXOXOX


Natacsha

Hello Mikiarata. It seems as though you have a situation that resembles mine slightly more than many...I could divorce myself from him but I wouldn't feel ok with that because again, I do love him and I don't wish anything bad upon him. I can't be upset for how he is as a result of what was done to him as a child and how he has become what he is. That isn't really his fault. Sure, he could do a better job of controlling himself and the words he uses but my goal is to be able to have a decent...not great, just decent relationship with him. It's pathetic seeing him act the way he does and I only pity him for it. when he's "going off" on me, I stare back with a look of "poor old man" but that doesn't take away from the pain....it just prevents me from hurting him back if I continue with that mentality. I would rather it end with him hurting me because although I suffer for it, I know deep inside that I can take it. He can't. when I reach my threshold, I turn the tables and let him have it. But those times are rare. Thanks for the words sweeite. XoXoXo


Thera

Hi Thera! Here's what happened last time I had that stone cold convo. He and I got into it a couple weeks back and I said to him, "you always wanted to know what you did to make me rebel against you and I think I know what why. Your words. nothing more. How you talk to me has consequences beyond your comprehension. the tone, the selection of words, etc etc. Just be cool. when you need something, be cool. when you have a problem with something, be cool. when you are pissed off at the world, don't take it out on me." That seemed to work for about 2 days. Then, as I mentioned to a friend earlier, it backfired. he was doing great. we got along and then I think he felt powerless so instead of continuing the progress, he does a 180 and strikes back harder than empire. "I am your father"!! Noooooooo!!!! "join me and together we will rule the universe!!" thanks darth but I don't need your help to rule the universe. Just your support.


Moving out is just a band-aid. Your father is a bully, you should confront him.

Hi Queen. thanks for trying to help out but I have stood up to him. moving out may be a bandaid, but a permanent one becomes more like stitches. My life has always been much better off when I was on my own. I just took the opportunity to go back to school because I knew I could come here and facilitate the transition. And again, it was all agreed upon before I even moved back that I would not be able to pay any rent but instead I would actually help him once I'm finished. I would love to be able to take over their mortgage payments. but he keeps this up and the only thing I'll be talking over is sanity. I don't want it to get to that point and that is why i'm here pouring out my heart to the world in an attempt to seek refuge through the words and wisdom of others.


hi cynthia

It's not totally running...I look back to make sure he's ok. lol but I think you are right and I will actually tell him if he wants to continue to have a relationship with me, he better chill out. Why didn't I think of that before??? thanks Cynthia!!


Hi Kate!!

Thanks Kate! that seems to be where this is headed. I just hate to leave on a bad note because I could easily not look back but I would rather not have to resort to that.


natacsha

Hi Imeni. I wish you wouldv'e read the whole post because much of what you describe is there. And yes, you are very lucky to have been an only child. having siblings with that type of parent would more than likely have given him a reason to take things further. thanks for the input hun!


" that's because I love you more than you do me."

hahaha!!!! now that would be awesome!!! I would have to record that if I did it. thanks jilly!!


thank you

Hi Kim! that is a very reasonable and sound approach and I like it. very well worded and it all makes perfect sense. thank you xoxoxo


mon cheri

Annabelle you are great! and I love how you started off with your nails! that was too funny and brilliant. there is a lot to respond to with regards to what you wrote. I will pm you. thanks sweetheart!! and congrats on telling your son again. that must've been great!!! oxoxox

[Rebecca Star]

my dad can be and has been a major prick!! Old school middle eastern mentality with a severe napoleon complex. growing up, once I reached about 15 and knew I could kick his ass, I still tolerated his cruel punishments and harsh words and to this day (32) I still do.

My father was exactly as you've described. He had old school principles and frankly, today if any father did an 1/8 now to their child, of what he did to me, they'd be locked up and the key thrown away.

From the age of 9 I was regulary bashed not only with fists but had loaded guns pointed at me, pitch forks thrown at me.... the list goes on and on.

From the outside our family looked succesful - he was Director of his own company etc...etc. I was acting out and I suppose it was easy to convience the police who I'd run to on many occasions for help, that it was me with the problem not my father. I recall one plea for help where the copper said, if you were my son I take you out the back to the cells and give you a hidding you'd never forget. That was after he'd slammed by head into the side of a door frame and I was sporting a lump like you see in those old WB cartoons.

I finally had the courage to escape his tyranny when I was 23.

Frankly I turned out pretty well considering... Though, it took me years to finally break the chains which, even after he'd passed away (1987) still bound me tighly. Years of nightmares re-living the fears and the bashings. Today I can identify having my first panic attack when I was 12 years old. When I reached 35 I had a major breakdown and for many years after this I suffered from PTSD.

Fear is no way to live life!!!

Natacsha, I'm reach out to you here, and begging you, to get the hell outa Dodge.

It's not going to improve and it will get a lot worse.

What fixed me was therapy and a lot of time to allow myself to heal. Self worth issues, while they may not seem relivant, our subconcious works in mysterious ways. Take a look at people who return from war to see what effects violence etc...etc can have on people. They've only had to endure it for a tour or two of duty - we've lived with it for decades.

Please, find a job even if it's washing dishes, just do something to raise funds to move out.

added: If you'd like to talk or just vent to someone who know's exactly what your going through, I'm only too happy to give you that support.

hugs

Rebecca

[giuseppina]

...
Hi Erin. he's 71 and I'm 32. If I laid a hand on him it would more than likely put him in the hospital...


Please don't. Chances are good you would receive assault and/or elder abuse conviction(s) which would mean you would have to forget about nursing.

Where I live, gross income from employment is taken off any grants or loans. Grossly unfair, but that's the way things work here.

I've lost two professional careers and developed PTSD because of parental abuse. I also declined the advances of a lady I cared about to take away the chance she would be abused.

[Tina B.]

Sometimes the only solution is the door! As long as you are under his roof, and you don't pay anything to live there, he will always be in control. He doesn't see it as any different than when you where a kid. If he is angry with the world, and the Pr**k you say he is, I doubt there is much you could do to change him, the only one you know you can change is you. You must either stand up to him, for yourself, or get away from him, but forget about changing him, we only change if we want to.
Tina B.