I have come to a realization

[Anna Lorree]

I have recently had a realization, almost like a truth has become known. It is both settling and a bit frightening for me, but at least I have come to a point of awareness. Within the last week or so, I have come to realize that I would rather live my life as a woman. All of the interactions with society, with women and with men. The clothes, the social expectations and considerations, the mannerisms. I would rather be a woman.

As I discussed with my therapist, this doesn't feel like a need right now, rather as a want, a desire, a preference. I recognize that this likely means I have moved a little further "down the path", however. I do not anticipate immediately pushing into transition or a RLE, but rather starting to look at who and what it is I want to be. I recognize that my want/desire/preference may become a "need" one of these days, but it isn't for now.

I am torn slightly by my realization. I think it is a form of acceptance, I am getting to a place where I am becoming more okay about being TS. Today I even referred to myself as a woman in therapy, which I have been reluctant to do in the past. It wasn't just deliberate, I even had a Freudian slip where I included myself with a group of women I was talking about.

This is kind of gusty sigh, as I move into the "acceptance" stage of this process. Does any of this make sense to any of you?

Anna

[STACY B]

Dam rite it does ,,I do it all the time now,,In front of folks that dont know about me ,, Guess its just a way of telling but not telling all of it . Let em figure it out for them selves . I just do what I want an go on with it just like I own it . Same brain just different gender presentation . So they can love me or leave me alone ,,,lol,,,

[outhiking]

Good old Will said it best - "To thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man." William Shakespeare Hamlet

[emmicd]

you have known this your entire life like me but you are held back like me. i am also coming to that realization but i am dealing with depression and trying to preserve my family and be the supportive father to my autistic son. it is such a difficult reality but i completely understand your situation. i wish you all my best.

emmi

[Raquel June]

Sounds like me.

It's a semantic thing, but coming to accept that I would much rather live as a woman was difficult because so many TS women -- almost aggressively and defensively -- say that they've always known they were born with the wrong body. I always knew I wanted to be a woman, but that seemed irrelevant because I didn't feel like I was a woman. In recent years I realized that no matter what I am I want to live as a woman, be accepted as a woman, and interact as a woman. Should it really matter how strong my inner sense of gender is?

I was just born me. Without supernatural empathy none of us knows what maleness or femaleness feels like to other people.

Anyway, I identify with what you're saying because you say it doesn't feel like a need but a want/desire/preference. That's the way I felt. And it made me feel a little ridiculous to obsess about it. But if it's not a fetish or a hobby then what is it?

I feel irrational. I can either live as a normal guy and accept the ennui, or I can try to live as a tranny and turn my life into chaos. Most of us know damaged (usually abused) people who are uncomfortable in their own skin and act out and do stupid chaotic things. I don't want to be that person. But I have to take a step back and say, "If I could be the hottest guy in the world, would I want to be?" Once you start to open your eyes you realize your old life will never fit you.

Therapy really helped. Because I did nothing but second-guess it and wanted to find other reasons my life wasn't working right. But it seemed pretty obvious to my therapists that I was trans.

It's one of those chicken/egg things. Are you crazy because you're trans or are you trans because you're crazy? If transitioning is the only cure then that's irrelevant.

You don't decide to be trans. Just like you don't decide to be gay or straight. But you do decide whether or not to act on it. You decide whether to repress it or accept it. Sometimes I wake up and say, "Why am I choosing to be this way and make my life more difficult?" But the reality is that choosing to repress it is a much more painful inner struggle that will never go away.

In that regard I've often had the wrong philosophy. Fate is the path of least resistance. So accepting your fate should make things easier. But that's not how our minds work. The path of least resistance is not accepting how you were born and raised and struggling to make that work for the rest of your life. The path of least resistance is understanding and accepting who you are and letting that blossom into a reality where things fit, not repressing it to fit your current circumstances or other people's expectations.

The thing that really cleared it up for me was living as a woman for a year. At first it still felt like a decision and a struggle. But then things got comfortable. I had to detransition for various reasons. And now I realize that I was a much happier person and much better person to be around as a woman. Now I'm not second-guessing it. I'm not worried about being crazy anymore, because things felt right as a woman. It would be ridiculous for me not to work to find a more T-friendly job and re-transition.

But who knows. That's just what goes through my mind. I'm no expert on psychology or philosophy.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Sounds like me.

It's a semantic thing, but coming to accept that I would much rather live as a woman was difficult because so many TS women -- almost aggressively and defensively -- say that they've always known they were born with the wrong body. I always knew I wanted to be a woman, but that seemed irrelevant because I didn't feel like I was a woman. In recent years I realized that no matter what I am I want to live as a woman, be accepted as a woman, and interact as a woman. Should it really matter how strong my inner sense of gender is?


Don't be defensive...:hugs:

This idea of "knowing" was driven by the fact that desperation is so entrenched as the trigger for the actual transition... and the folks that feel desperate first are the ones that never tried to cope with being female gendered in a male life..they expressed the exact same feeling we had as knowing...and for many years, if you didnt say it that way, you couldnt transition...

For us we expressed it as wanting or wishing... others repressed it so deeply that they are sometimes dumbstruck when the idea pops into their heads...

its all the same thing... the big difference is that those of us that can't honestly say we knew since we were 5 is the constant questioning... its like we can't "know" until we do it...transition is hard enough and it doesnt help to be worried if you "really are" transsexual...

++++++++++

Good luck Anna...your experience is shared by many...it makes perfect sense..

now your challenge is to work towards your best quality of life..do you know any ts people in your area to spend face time with??

[Julia_in_Pa]

Anna,

Now that you have come to this realization it's now time to plan your work that you have ahead of you.
The materialization of your true self can only be hindered by the real or perceived fear of the unknown.
We all have it and we all suffer from it.

The question is are you going to let the unknown dictate your life or are you going to drag yourself into existence?


Julia

[Kaitlyn Michele]

The question is are you going to let the unknown dictate your life or are you going to drag yourself into existence?


Julia

That is a really really wonderful way to say it!!!!

Sorry to post again so quickly, but i want to add Anna that for me, it took about three years from my "realization" that this was not a fantasy to actually do something about it.. and if my wife didn't leave me, it would have taken longer..
.and then another year to start HRT, with my real life test starting about a year after that...

so be guarded against feelings around self esteem if nothing happens for a while...

[LeaP]

Does any of this make sense to any of you?

Every word of it.

I've had those feelings all my life ... but only from time-to-time, then pushed back. In the last 2-3 years it occurred more often. In the last year, frequently. And then grew to a full-time realization in the last few months, even as I fought it all the way until recently.

I don't think it's that realization that creates the need. (or may create it) Once you KNOW who you are, it's the knowledge that the alternative to transition is to consciously live a false life, know the dysphoria will never leave, and the self-protective mechanisms like suppression will no longer be there. It's appalling.

[Raquel June]

its like we can't "know" until we do it...transition is hard enough and it doesnt help to be worried if you "really are" transsexual...

Yeah. And it's hard to have self-confidence if you're questioning whether or not you're just crazy. And then that makes you come off as weird. Then things don't fit as well. Then you question why transitioning doesn't fit. Of course, I think if you are trans things will soon fall into place despite that once you transition. But you have to be strong. So you have to fake it and be committed even if you are questioning yourself. Which really isn't that hard most days since transitioning is awesome even if it is scary and a little awkward at first.

I guess I'm kinda going in circles.

[stefan37]

I've been filled with doubts and fears for years. My anxiety reached a point I am no longer able to control it. I was able ot keep it under control with things like piercing my ears wearing eye makeup and painting my nails. I felt i was on a runaway train and it scared me. It reached a head around thanksgiving and I started seeing a therapist. I have around 30 hours electrolysis under my belt and have had bloodwork done. I see an endo in 2 weeks to start hormones. So far all the steps I've taken have felt right. My biggest fear is the pain I'm inflicting on my wife and family. I have a hard time controlling the pace. I have a much greater comfort level than my wife or kids. I'll just have to see where it goes but I am starting to feel some inner peace and a comfort level I haven't felt in a long time.

[Anna Lorree]

Don't be defensive...:hugs:

This idea of "knowing" was driven by the fact that desperation is so entrenched as the trigger for the actual transition... and the folks that feel desperate first are the ones that never tried to cope with being female gendered in a male life..they expressed the exact same feeling we had as knowing...and for many years, if you didnt say it that way, you couldnt transition...

For us we expressed it as wanting or wishing... others repressed it so deeply that they are sometimes dumbstruck when the idea pops into their heads...

its all the same thing... the big difference is that those of us that can't honestly say we knew since we were 5 is the constant questioning... its like we can't "know" until we do it...transition is hard enough and it doesnt help to be worried if you "really are" transsexual...

++++++++++

Good luck Anna...your experience is shared by many...it makes perfect sense..

now your challenge is to work towards your best quality of life..do you know any ts people in your area to spend face time with??

No, I don't know any other TS people here. There is very little support, and no active groups. I would love to meet some other TS people, simply to know I'm not alone...

Anna

[Anna Lorree]

That is a really really wonderful way to say it!!!!

Sorry to post again so quickly, but i want to add Anna that for me, it took about three years from my "realization" that this was not a fantasy to actually do something about it.. and if my wife didn't leave me, it would have taken longer..
.and then another year to start HRT, with my real life test starting about a year after that...

so be guarded against feelings around self esteem if nothing happens for a while...

That is what is the big question in my life right now. I hope my wife stays, I love her and we have kids involved. For their sake, I can restrict myself to some degree. However, I have already accepted and told my therapist and my wife that if she has to leave me, I will transition as fully as I can.

Anna

[Anna Lorree]

I've been filled with doubts and fears for years. My anxiety reached a point I am no longer able to control it. I was able ot keep it under control with things like piercing my ears wearing eye makeup and painting my nails. I felt i was on a runaway train and it scared me. It reached a head around thanksgiving and I started seeing a therapist. I have around 30 hours electrolysis under my belt and have had bloodwork done. I see an endo in 2 weeks to start hormones. So far all the steps I've taken have felt right. My biggest fear is the pain I'm inflicting on my wife and family. I have a hard time controlling the pace. I have a much greater comfort level than my wife or kids. I'll just have to see where it goes but I am starting to feel some inner peace and a comfort level I haven't felt in a long time.

I understand all of this. I especially understand the fear for your wife and kids. That is the one thing that seriously limits me in this.

Anna

[Noemi]

Anna,

Thanks for sharing this. It is hard to describe. I often feel that I would be better suited living my life as a female. But all this time I have suppressed this feeling as I do not want to transition, or be trans or even wear ladies clothes. But today I am finding that I need to dress up to feel OK about myself, otherwise I am depressed.
Sorry I just need to share this today and your post, while I read it the other day, elicited feelings in me, for which I am grateful.

Coming to the realization to me seems to be walking down a hallway and the walls get narrower and narrower....but maybe there is a whole world out there full or pretty colors and finally companionship, I am so lonely right now.
I don't want this for myself and wish it would stop, today is a bad day.

[Anna Lorree]

Anna,

Thanks for sharing this. It is hard to describe. I often feel that I would be better suited living my life as a female. But all this time I have suppressed this feeling as I do not want to transition, or be trans or even wear ladies clothes. But today I am finding that I need to dress up to feel OK about myself, otherwise I am depressed.
Sorry I just need to share this today and your post, while I read it the other day, elicited feelings in me, for which I am grateful.

Coming to the realization to me seems to be walking down a hallway and the walls get narrower and narrower....but maybe there is a whole world out there full or pretty colors and finally companionship, I am so lonely right now.
I don't want this for myself and wish it would stop, today is a bad day.

I don't want it either, but it is here and a part of me.

Anna

[Karinsamatha]

Three weeks ago I reached the point where I have acknowledged to myself, and my therapist that I am a woman and want to be viewed as an woman - That was my second session. Shelly has been a real asset in helping me to get my head screwed on rite probably for the first time in my life.
I find it is extremely draining to "act like a man". I have also come to the conclusion with help that I want to live, and enjoy life on my terms rather than someone else's expectations of who I should be based Solly on the male body I inhabit.
I am lucky in one respect I don't have a wife, and children to worry about.

[Noemi]

Karinsamatha,

I am glad you are seeing yourself in a positive light.
And a Styx quote, pretty awesome. Pieces of Eight if I am not mistaken LOL!!!
I am taking a step back. It was more than I could handle today, so I just ate some mac and cheese(I will regret it tomorrow)And am watching Ghost Whisper, she is sooo pretty and has the best tops. I kind of pretend I am her...

[Diane Elizabeth]

AMEN Girl! Oh! excuse me there. I got caught up in the moment. The time of realization of life........

[KellyJameson]

If you hit your thumb with a hammer you know where the pain is coming from and what has caused it.

The thumb is outside of you and can be observed but it is much more difficult to do this when the suffering comes from deep within the mind.

I have only found one (healthy) solution to this pain and that is change my environment.

Sometimes you can be in a relationship with someone and you are being hurt by the person but you are not able to put your finger on exactly how or why but you begin to realize that you are not happy when you are around them and they leave you feeling bad about yourself.

For me this is how I experience the incongruent relationship (pain/stress/anxiety) between my body and mind, I was being hurt but I only understood how when I changed the relationship between me and my body by changing my body. (changing the relationship)

Less pain reinforced my desire to continue moving away from the pain pushing me to greater change creating movement in one continous sometimes jagged path but always in the same direction even when it was two steps forward and one back.

In some ways you reach understanding and confirmation after the fact not before so it becomes a leap of faith to a certain extent. When the pain is gone you feel as if a weight has been lifted off you and you can breath.

You grow into normal which is a unique experience because you never knew what normal felt like so have nothing to compare it to but looking back you realize how hard things were before.

I have no idea what it feels like to be a woman but I know how it feels to be treated as a woman "normal" and "effortless".

[Stephanie-L]

How do I know I am a Transexual? When it feels so much more right to admit it to myself and quit denying it, when it feels so much easier to aloow my feminine side to come out rather than hide it and "be a man". When I stopped fearing being a woman and started hating being a man..............Stephanie

[Xrys]

I just started accepting myself a couple weeks ago. As I came to accept myself, I started realizing just how long I have been repressing the real me. I have been repressing it for so long, I have forgotten who I really am. I cant wait until I can find another job so I can afford therapy.

[Bree-asaurus]

How do I know I am a Transexual? When it feels so much more right to admit it to myself and quit denying it, when it feels so much easier to aloow my feminine side to come out rather than hide it and "be a man". When I stopped fearing being a woman and started hating being a man..............Stephanie

I know I'm transsexual because I know I was born with a male body, but I know that I am a woman. So I fit the definition.

How do I know I'm a woman? Same way a ciswoman knows she's a woman or a cisman knows he's a man. I just know.