Late night ramblings or Jet Lag be Damned

[Julie1123]

Hello fellow ladies,

It's 2 am and I'm out here rambling again. I just got back from a two week vacation in Italy. I was accompanied by my girlfriend and her parents. We toured the sights pretty vigorously and since we were almost always all together, I had no time to shop.

But let me tell you.... dressing was constantly on my mind. Hundreds upon hundreds of women walking by all wearing different outfits, and the shop windows, and the shoes, oh my!

Not much regret about not getting anything. I saw a few skirts that I really liked and it would have been fun to browse the shoes more extensively but all is well. For the money they were probably asking for them, I'm not sure I would have bought anything without trying it on, and while I think I'm almost to the point where I would feel comfortable trying on clothes in the store, I wasn't quite there yet.

We did spend some time on a few trains which gave me plenty of time to think and I did a lot of thinking about dressing. I'm going to try and write out those thoughts here.

Love. I love women's clothes. I love wearing women's clothes.

Guilt. I had to admit that I do feel guilty about dressing now and then. Mostly because it has added a pretty big complication to my relationship with my girlfriend and I worry about losing her. The second form of guilt comes in not knowing why I like to wear women's clothes. With all the other activities I partake in I have a pretty good idea why I like doing them, with this I haven't really been able to figure out why I like it so much. And the hardest one to admit is that every now and then I do feel the cliche, "You're a guy, you shouldn't do this."

Urges. I think I feel three levels of urges to dress. The most basic being just panties. Sometimes that's all I want. The mid-level is just to dress around the house but without having to look like a woman. Basically a guy wearing women's clothes. Lastly, there are times that I do want to look like a woman.

The Look. I know I don't want to go through surgery, so this means makeup, wigs, and breast forms. So much money...

The Closet. I'm sort of ok being in the closet, and sort of not ok with being in the closet. On one hand, I don't have to deal with awkward conversations with family members that I'm not really close with. On the other hand its a bit nerve racking worrying about if my classmates will see the lace panties I'm wearing when I sit down in class. I'm currently going to school for engineering in a small Kansas town. It sucks, I hate stereotyping and I know that's what I'm doing to my classmates by assuming they would not be ok with this. :(

I have thought extensively about telling two people though. One is probably my best friend after my girlfriend. He's a scientist. Pretty level headed. I'm very interested to see how he would react to it. The other is a friend of my girlfriend and our former roommate. She lived with us for about a year. I think she would be completely surprised and totally interested. I've liked a lot of the outfits she's worn and I could really use the help with makeup... I'm totally rubbish so far.

I do want to go out in public presenting as a woman. I think I'm almost to the point of being able to go to stores and try clothes on even when dressed as a guy. I worry about being outed though. While I think I could weather it, I think my girlfriend would have a much harder time.

The Girlfriend. I love her and I'm very thankful she hasn't left me. I hope someday she'll be more accepting of this but will not demand it. Next time she asks me what I'm thinking I will tell her much of this. Not much is new but there was a slight moment about a month ago, she was transferring music from her laptop to her iPod, we were on the couch, I was reading and looking over her shoulder to see what she was putting on there. Dude Looks Like A Lady by Aerosmith made it on so she can't be completely revolted.

Here. This place has made all of this a lot easier I think than it would be alone. Thank you. Hugs. :)

[Simply Joslyn]

Atleast you night mind is slightly more level than mine, in my ramblings its complete gibberish and usually angsty, many of us don't understand our dressing either, nowadays I'm comfortable with just having it, its there, it makes me feel more human than living as I do, and I love it. I think you've made two very good choices on who to tell, I love scientists always looking for further answers you know(always wanted to be one, but I have add and I screwed up my opportunities to get there), and a former female roommate understands you and most likely cares about you. I'll tell you something about going out in public, I went to nyc for my first outing and something interesting happened, normally I would have been watching every corner every eye wondering what they think, but the moment I stept out, it all went away I felt like the center of my own universe, unnoticed and uncaring of those who did notice, I was free. I hope everything goes well with your girlfriend, I'm sure she'll come around if she cares and knows you well enough, but you should try talking to her about it, she won't be able or willing to find answers on her own, aerosmith or not hehe. Oh and as a little side note, I think trains are interesting, intransic if you will, long times, and the scenery slipping by has a way of unlocking the free flow of the mind.

[Beverley Sims]

I don't know how long you have been like this but don't let the pink fog get to you.

[Julie1123]

I hope everything goes well with your girlfriend, I'm sure she'll come around if she cares and knows you well enough, but you should try talking to her about it, she won't be able or willing to find answers on her own, aerosmith or not hehe.

She knows about the dressing, just doesn't want anything to do with it. Well mostly. She does like it at times when I wear panties. I didn't want to make her uncomfortable with talking about it all the time so I imposed a bit of restraint on myself. After the initial conversation about everything I told her I wouldn't bring it up or talk about it unless she broached the subject. She told me she would most likely never bring it up. She has brought it up once or twice since then and we've talked about it a couple times when she's asked me what I'm thinking about and I tell her. It's agonizingly slow at times but I think this is a decent way to handle the situation.


I don't know how long you have been like this but don't let the pink fog get to you.

Could you specify what "like this" means? It was an awfully long rambling and I'm not sure what you were referring to. :)