I'm confused by trans people that are too normal.

[Raquel June]

I've met a lot of trans people that are pretty weird. Goofy, awkward, nerdy, whatever. A few of them are legitimately too strange to hang out with.

We have the obvious developmental problems that come from not having grown up with the right social interactions. A lot of us became introverted, have retreated into the online world, or maybe we have some strange hobbies that we've used to escape. Once we transition we're socially underdeveloped, we're in a whole new world, and we're functioning about 20 years behind our age.

Which is cool in a way. I know a lot of cute charming trans-girls and trans-guys that are pushing 40 but are seeing life for the first time like they were high school seniors. Well, it's cool if it's not the 45-year-old T-girl who's dressing like a 20-year-old prostitute all the time.

I love seeing the T-guys getting their first facial hair. Getting their first motorcycle. Getting their first real confidence.

We've gone through so much. One place we're very lucky is the way we can appreciate life, and when we transition we have a naive youthfulness -- that really isn't naive at all given the dark places most of us have been.

But the normal people confuse me. I think of Eileen in Arizona. I think of Kathryn Martin and I'm like, "Why do you have it so together?" I remember going to a meeting where there was a new person. Military haircut. Airline captain. Had a totally successful life and was intelligent to talk to and figured things out and was planning to transition.

And I'm like, "WTF?" These people seemed to have done alright pre-transition, and when the time was right they moved on and made it all seem simple. Maybe they went from kinda grumpy to fun to be around, but it all seems like barely a hiccup in their lives.

So many of us just seem to not get any traction at all until we figure it all out. I guess I needed some kind of medication and the ability to focus and put my energy in a more positive direction for the past 20 years!

I think with me it's more that I got so wrapped up in relationships that were negative and let them stall my whole life out. Once I started obsessing over being trans things actually got better (except for my recent post-transition relationship that was the worst one ever).

[Julia_in_Pa]

Raquel,

I see what your point is here.

I've been asked what my secret was concerning transitioning how was it so simple for me to transition.

I've told them the same thing I'll tell you; You don't know what went on behind the scenes before during and after transition.

I transitioned, I found and hold a professional position for a company specializing in a certain segment of the scientific community.
I own a very nice home in a nice neighborhood and drive a very nice German sports sedan.

Before transition my wife reneged on her promise to stay with me concerning such.
My entire family walked away from my life.
I lost my job due to transitioning with that company.
I've had a gun in my mouth with pressure on the trigger due to the loss of everyone and everything close to me.

To look at me on a normal workday I appear like any other well dressed professional woman.
No one can tell I went through bulls/h/it, lies and near death to be where I am today.
My point is what appears to be normal well adjusted person might have been a broken, depressed and desperate individual just a few short years before.
You can't tell.


Julia

[Jonianne]

.....and when the time was right they moved on.....

That is what I believe. I believe when the time is right, you have been mentally and emotionally prepared by life and the universe, things start falling (seemingly) into place, the stars align and you know what you need to do. The questions and doubts seem to vanish into thin air. Anyway, that's how it feels to me.

[ReneeT]

Raquel,
I think often perceptions deceive. While some may outwardly apprear to have it all together and breeze thru transition, below the surface we have often been thru Hell emotionally, socially, etc. i am a perfect specimen for that. I am told that i look polished and professionl, i am a visible, aknowledged spokesperson in my company for lgbt issues, and am highly succesful professionally. Yet my marriage is a disaster, my relationship with my kids is not great, and most months the thought of suicide rers its head at least once or twice. To top it off, i am developing a pleasant alcohol dependancy. I hope and pray that once i get thru this awful thing called transition that my inner mileau will mirror my outer presence

[Danika140]

Those who you see as the ones who seem to have together probably at that stage now because they've battled through hell and came close to losing it all. I had a similar situation as Julia. I was in Iraq when I stumbled across the Flat2fem program by Lucille Sorella and was amazed and excited that men could grow breasts. I've always wanted them since I was six years old. When I told my now ex wife what I found and how much I wanted a pair of my own, she freaked out and would blow my paycheck so I couldn't buy the stuff to grow them. That on top of many many other stressors, I hit the bottom. while at work, I was so depressed that I actually got up and walked over to my M-16 and loaded a magazine and chambered a round and was half a second from attempting to shoot myself. Since then (2009) things have drastically improved as I focused on myself rather than others. When I approached my father with news of me being TS and wanting to transition, I put him at ease by telling him that I am going to college now to double major in Sociology and Psychology with a minor in French that way if I can't get a government job after I transition, I can at least be marketable for the civilian sector.

I tend to see those who are more sure of themselves being the ones who have already fought a lifetime of battles so they have the experience, knowledge and fortitude to persevere. And more than likely, they have already thought of the necessary steps ahead of time to be successful. Ready fire aim is not a reliable component for a successful endeavor.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

It's just like real life...some folks have it together, some folks don't and some are good fakers

[ReneeT]

It's just like real life...some folks have it together, some folks don't and some are good fakers

I would use the word "compensators" rather than "fakers"

[Nicole Erin]

After a while of living as a woman, the whole "being trans" thing is something that doesn't seem to matter really.

We have different abilities to transition so far I guess but once we have made to the furthest our finances or whatever will allow, at that point life just goes on.

I live full time as a woman, I don't "pass" the greatest but don't seem to get detected much. Either that or people are polite. Both scenarios I have a hard time believing.

I am kind of on the opposite end though - humble job that doesn't pay enough to exist on my own, yet I have not lost any family or friends. Well not ones I care about anyways. Never had a good career so I never lost a job cause of this. Even if my being TS was the reason I was turned down for some jobs, not like they paid any better than where I am at now.
I often wonder if the successful career-having TS who lost all their friends and family had that happen cause they valued their career above relationships.

But yeah sooner or later there comes a point when you just live your life. Hanging out at some shady drag club just doesn't appeal after a time. Trying to be part of some TG community no longer matters. Sure you might have some TG friends but you don't scrimp and save to attend crap like S.C.C.

Once you get to the point of just living life, it is not exciting. It is no longer "fun" to wear panties to work or have some stranger notice your painted toenails.

So I guess what seems "normal" is just cause people outgrow certain things. YOu find that your concerns and insecurities are shared with many people. Dating, trying to find a decent job, worrying about the future, trying to lose those 10 pounds, warding off the life-draining idiots in your life, etc...

[Kathryn Martin]

Raquel:

I think the short answer to your question is that I am 58 years old and when I began to transition I was 56. I also realized a long time ago that transitioning solves one issue in your life. It might make you happier and more stable but it does not solve any other problems that you may have as a person, socially, emotionally or spiritually. Transitioning is not a cure all. You also need to remember that I am a 56 years survivor (often touch and go) of dysphoria, being displaced, being depressed and still working hard every day to be the best human being I knew how. This struggle has made me strong and very confident in who I am. I have no question of who I am anymore and when the time came my transition was not a struggle it let me take ownership of my freedom. Notwithstanding do not think that for one moment was I not ready to lose everything. And I had much to lose.

I wrote a blog entry entitled "How do we know our decision was correct? (http://facevaluereprt.blogspot.ca/2011/05/how-do-you-know-your-decision-to.html)" in May of 2011, which in some ways describes how I feel about this subject. It speaks to the differences between someone transitioning as a young person and someone who is older. I was attacked at the time for writing it but I am confident that I captured a truth in this.

Youth, and you are young, is about who you want to become, age is about who you have become. This is why I said that you will throw your lot into a dark future, dark not because it is a bad place but rather because it is yet not visible, while I relied on who I was as a person, a human being. Maybe for now relationships have to wait, and you need to focus on yourself and the road ahead of you. So go start your transition, get an education and find a job that will support you well and before you know it you will have it together. Work through your dysphoria, become the best person you can and start your life as the person, the woman you were meant to be.




I think of Kathryn Martin and I'm like, "Why do you have it so together?"

And I'm like, "WTF?" These people seemed to have done alright pre-transition, and when the time was right they moved on and made it all seem simple.

[Starling]

I'm a fairly successful old lady myself, Raquel, but I've paid the price in health and happiness. Only now, when I'm nearing the end of my second month of HRT and just about to go fulltime, do I actually look forward to a long life, despite the obstacles I must overcome. At least I'll be facing them as myself.

:) Lallie

[LisaMallon]

I know a lovely guy who is a partner to a TS and he said to me "remember you are are 16".
He explained it as that you are starting out again and have to learn all the things women learn in their teens.
Dress, makeup, movement, behaviour, etc. Basically starting a new life again.

And it is difficult, for example most GGs work out their makeup skills in their teens (and basically never change it after then).
They experiment by themselves and with their friends. They go through disasters and successes.

Now a TS has to start from scratch. And it is hard work. God what is my day time look make up wise, what if I want to glam it up.
Don't know still trying, maybe after 5 or 6 years I might work it out,

[Badtranny]

You also need to remember that I am a 56 years survivor (often touch and go) of dysphoria, being displaced, being depressed and still working hard every day to be the best human being I knew how. This struggle has made me strong and very confident in who I am. I have no question of who I am anymore and when the time came my transition was not a struggle it let me take ownership of my freedom. Notwithstanding do not think that for one moment was I not ready to lose everything. And I had much to lose.

Good gracious that's perfect. Sometimes I wonder why I babble on and on and on, (and on) when some chicks can encapsulate so much in so few words. ...alas I must go on.

I've said before that the late transitioner is gifted with a strength that the early girls haven't grown yet. We are soft steel hardened by the flame of a life spent in denial. I'm with you Kat, I was not emotionally prepared for this in my youth. Today I am stronger than I could have ever imagined, and it's a good thing because what I'm going through lately takes all I got.

[juno]

I suppose that I am pretty well together. In my case, I never fought being feminine. I just felt too masculine looking to even conider the possibility that I could be anything but a feminine male. I learned to sew, knit and crochet very young. I learned cake decorating from my grandmother, helped her with several wedding cakes, and made some myelf. I was a Girl Scout leader for 2 years. At 45 years old, I still had never entertained the thought of actually BEING female. Then I put on a cheap Halloween wig and my life changed. I liked what I saw in the mirror for the first time in my life.

In two months, I got a decent collection of women's clothes, learned makeup, and got out to meet ther crossdressers. After a little more than a year, other people who meet me assumed that I have been a life-long crossdresser because I was so comfortable as a woman.

So, I think my point is that transition comes easy for people who never fought their feminine self. Of course, I think it is fairly rare to feel comfortable as a feminine male, and yet take so many years to figure out that one needs to change their physical gender.

[Raquel June]

Transitioning is not a cure all. You also need to remember that I am a 56 years survivor (often touch and go) of dysphoria, being displaced, being depressed and still working hard every day to be the best human being I knew how.

...

Maybe for now relationships have to wait, and you need to focus on yourself and the road ahead of you. So go start your transition, get an education and find a job that will support you well and before you know it you will have it together. Work through your dysphoria, become the best person you can and start your life as the person, the woman you were meant to be.

I agree completely. The obvious advice for all of us would be, "Get your sh*t together before you transition," but it's also obviously not that simple.

I spun aimlessly through a life that didn't work and through relationships that didn't work. Gender dysphoria is not the cause of all my problems, and there have been much more important things for me to deal with, but there is a depression ... numbness ... emptiness that comes from not being able to formulate any mental image of a happy future for yourself. My college grades are almost strictly As and Fs, because I went through so many phases of really wanting to get it together followed by a pathetic bout of not caring about anything a few months later.

There's no way obsessing over being trans is a good thing. But once I began to accept who I was, I began to have hope for a future that was more than just cycles of trying to find a direction for my life followed by all of it falling apart followed by a survival instinct kicking in and getting me back to doing what I had to do to keep from starving to death or being institutionalized.

The trick is accepting who you are to the point that you can convince yourself that you know the future will be OK, but not just driving towards transition at the expense of everything else and hoping that will fix everything.

At first I was driven towards transition in a experimental way, thinking, "This seems like a horrible idea, but it also seems right, so let's keep pushing in this direction and see how things go." I wasn't actually convinced, though. But now I am, and I can relax a little. It sucks that I'm crossdressing going to work as a guy and wearing really tight undershirts to hide my boobs, but I've accepted where I'm going to end up in a few years and that's put me at enough peace mentally to get the rest of my life together. Hopefully. But maybe I'll just screw everything up again.

I'm just intrigued by the people who seem to have had the sheer willpower to keep it together even before they really started to cope with any of it. I suppose just keeping busy is always a good distraction, though.

[Xrys]

I am impressed with all the people that could keep it together. My depression and anger issues kept me bouncing from on job to another. I couldn't even stay in the millitary. I always refused help (stupid machismo) and just drifted like a dandilyon seed in the wind. It is only these last few weeks that I feel I have taken root, and I cant wait to see what I blosom into.

[kerrianna]

But the normal people confuse me. I think of Eileen in Arizona. I think of Kathryn Martin and I'm like, "Why do you have it so together?"

Raquel, having just spent some time with Kathryn, I can assure you she is not normal at all. :P

Sorry, Kathryn, I just couldn't resist!

The thing is, Raquel, none of us really know others in their quietest moments. Some of us, especially in places like this forum, splatter our inner emotions and thoughts out there, and maybe seem like we struggle more than others who may have a different way of processing things. But that's not to say others who may seem together to us don't have their own difficulties.

A lot of it is about our personal make-up, life experiences, the people who surround us, what we have learned, been exposed to etc.

When I first joined this site in 2006 I was pretty messed up. Not just from being trans but a whole pile of other stuff that is my messy life. In the time since, because I shifted a focus from denial and hiding to coming out and learning that it's okay to be myself, that it's a good thing, more good things than bad have come into my life. I have grown, and continue to grow and probably the biggest change came from that shift in my attitude from "I deserve to suffer" to "I deserve to be happy".

It's kind of like momentum. As you become stronger, more positive in yourself you attract more of that to you.

I remember almost feeling guilty about how smooth and positive my transition has been and telling my therapist about that. While she acknowledged I was lucky to have the kind of people in my life I have, who have loved and supported me, she reminded me that it was who I am, how I behave, that has helped make all that happen.

If you smile, people smile back. If you lift up your heart, people will do the same. Sure there will be those who can't or won't. You need to disengage from them. You have no time in this life, if you want to live as yourself, for yourself, to worry about pleasing others. Just know that by being proud of yourself, even if you have to build that a tiny piece at a time, even if the tide comes and washes progress away and you have to start over, know that being proud of yourself, being happy and okay with yourself, LOVING yourself is the key to the world opening for you.

Love attracts love. Smiles attract smiles. Grace attracts grace. Compassion attracts compassion.

Try not to compare yourself. That is something that is very easy to want to do as a trans person. Even now I do it all the time. When I was in Montreal having GRS I found myself comparing my own recovery to others. Was I in more pain than them? Did they seem happier than me? Were they better at taking care of themselves than me? And I realized I was neglecting myself by doing that. Everyone is different. Everyone's body is different. Everybody's life is different. Some people had family members at the residence care. I didn't. But I had to let go of worrying or thinking about that and realize that I was just as ok as anyone. That it didn't make me less than or wouldn't make my healing harder than them.

My own journey is all I have the responsibility to focus on.
Sharing experiences, sharing thoughts, learning from others is all great, invaluable stuff. But in the end it is our own selves we are alone with and it is our own selves we have to learn to make happy and secure. No one else can tell us how to do that, and we can't expect to always get our own journeys right.

Love, forgive, treasure yourself. As you do so you will love beyond yourself naturally. And love and life starts flowing through. It's really as natural as breathing. We have forgotten how to do that because we are surrounded by this complicated life, have been bent and dented, have angry energies swirling around. But find your own beautiful self and centre yourself. Let all that stuff swirl away.

Each of us is an amazing, beautiful being. Just fall into that and live with love and compassion in your heart. :)

[Badtranny]

My depression and anger issues kept me bouncing from on job to another. I couldn't even stay in the millitary. I always refused help (stupid machismo) and just drifted like a dandilyon seed in the wind.

I could have written this. I was an emotional basket case in my twenties. It wasn't until age 27 that I found myself with a tool-belt on and decided to finally focus on making a life. I had serious anger issues and for somebody who doesn't like to hit people, I carried around enough rage to get my pansy ass in trouble. I am convinced that the testosterone had seriously negative effects on me. We joke about testosterone poisoning, but I really believe that a TS woman doesn't have the necessary tools to process the testosterone properly. The HRT was like a miracle drug to me. I no longer have a temper of any sort and I can hardly remember being depressed. Some people say it's all in my head, but I think it was all in my gonads. (may they rest in peace)

[juno]

I am convinced that the testosterone had seriously negative effects on me. We joke about testosterone poisoning, but I really believe that a TS woman doesn't have the necessary tools to process the testosterone properly.

According to my gender counselor, that is very often true. Transwomen say that testosterone made them crazy, and transmen say that estrogen made them crazy. HRT often brings dramatic emotional results before any physical changes. That is one reason why long waiting periods before starting HRT are generally being phased out.

[Raquel June]

... LOVING yourself is the key to the world opening for you.

I'm finally starting to learn that, too. Ugh... I've been in bad places emotionally. I've been clingy and pathetic. And I thought I was OK because I was capable of being alone. So I couldn't be that codependent, right? But I still wasn't OK with myself. Not that I was a sad lump of zero self-esteem. But I do have to learn to love myself. And realize that I don't deserve to be treated like sh*t.



Some people say it's all in my head, but I think it was all in my gonads. (may they rest in peace)

That instantly reminded me of Strange Brew (which I haven't seen in many years). Where Doug pulls an old floppy disk out of his pants.

Doug: Yeah, was that a dream or what?
Bob: It was no dream, it was in your underwears!

[kellycan27]

I began my transition pretty young. When I came up my peers were pretty tolerant and the adults must have thought that it was just some phase like punk or goth or something. I was able to go to college without a lot of BS, and I was able to get a job with a pretty diverse bunch of employees and a very tolerant employer. ( Airlines) For the most part i think I was able to slip under the radar. I never hated my junk, nor my life.. I just knew it wasn't the life I should have been living. I began living full time at 20 and my focus was on getting a good education, making money and trying to figure out how to go about transitioning. I wasn't interested in having a relationship at this point. I had friends that I could hang out with and I even had some people that I could have no strings, gratuitous sex with if I so desired. I had my share of rejection, but I learned not to take it too personally. I mean I had my preferences, likes and dislikes.. why shouldn't other people be allowed to have theirs with being labeled as some kind of hater because my thing wasn't their thing. That's not to say that there aren't some real life haters out there. I think that my forced 4 year ( no resources to really move forward yet) RLE was very helpful in allowing me to adjust and to quell any sense of urgency to transition previous to actually beginning to physically transition through the use of HRT or surgery, which I began when I was 24. For me.. it was like the perfect storm. I was out of state and away from the scrutiny of my parents, I had no baggage to drag along, I was busy with work and school and I was living as a girl. By the luck of the draw I was able to pull it off to a certain extent. It wasn't all lollipops and unicorns, but It wasn't all that bad either. There were some horror stories along the way, but I managed to survive them.

Kel

[AudreyTN]

I think this is where my folks are struggling with me. Aside from crossdressing at a young age, they never saw anything else that led them to believe that I was transgender, and that's because I tried to be normal, tried to live the life of a boy and ignored my internal voice and told it to shut up. Aside from obvious emotional problems I had as a kid, I was in all other aspects normal, with exception to relationships with women as a boy..those never worked out and always ended in heartbreak for me.

but each and every one of us, deals with things when the time let's us know that it's right to deal with. Everything happens in time, on time, just not on our time.

[KellyJameson]

Being this way makes you more vulnerable to psychological injury, there is almost a universal sensitivity because the mind is wired differently than cisgendered people.

You see it through-out history with the spiritual aspects, elements of genius, creativity, imagination, artistic expression, fluid sexuality (sometimes). There is an intensity that you see expressed. I usually find those who fall under the LGBT umbrella to be more intellectually stimulating than those that do not, but if those powers are not harnessed and channeled they turn on you.

I think one reason for the differences is the childhood each person experiences, when you are this way you are even more vulnerable to the impact of abuse and neglect.

I have never had a TG friend who was not harmed by their childhood but some were able to rise above the adversity of their childhood better than others.

[emmicd]

it seems we all wish to be true to who we are. there are no fast and hard rules to when and why one chooses to transition. it is a matter of when it seems there is no other choice. i have wanted to transition since i was a 17 year old but it was not reality for me then. i also felt college was a prime time to transition but again it was impossible for me as i was just a naive 22 year old and i was still living at home trying to start a career for myself. i was struggling with gender dysphoria all throughout my life but could not find the strength or inner determination to take the bold action to transition. All those years passed and now i am married with a wonderful wife and teenage son. i never thought i would once again confront my gender dysphoria but like clockwork i am now again struggling with it. As a result I am now propelled again into the prospect of transitioning because i now know as a "50 something" year old the way i feel will not change. i also realize i walk on delicate ground because i have a family and i rely on my job to survive. i have a special needs son who needs my complete and undivided attention so i am caught in a middle ground but realize transition is something i also need to do. i went through severe emotional pain losing my dad to suicide 3 years ago and my mother almost 25 years ago as she suffered from depression and lost her will to live. she was only 50. so as i turned 50 it hit me again, the inner struggle that i faced all throughout my life. now i seem to feel i am approaching the whole process of transitioning like a "chess match" with strategy and with proper and necessary moves to effect hopefully a successful one while i keep my family in tact and my job which i need. this all remains to be seen but i am doing it in steps and slowly. i am doing electrolysis which is helping me by allowing me to no longer worry about facial hair growth. within a year this will be behind me. i am in the process of seeking hrt as i am under doctor's care at callen lorde a great facility for the lgbt community. i am on uncharted ground but i am talking my feelings out with my therapist and i am opening up to certain people in my life. i am also feeling my survival timeclock ticking away which also motivates me in this whole male to female transition process. i want to finally have a chance to live as a woman before i die. that to me is my worst nightmare. being on my death bed wishing what it would have been like to finally be the female i felt i should have been all my life. if that is not my biggest motivator then i don't know what is! i certainly wish all my friends here inner peace and happiness and that they realize their lives as they feel they should. i am a work in progress!

emmi

[DeeDee1974]

I don't know if anyone else us like me, but I choose to mainly share what I consider to be positive experiences. Not to make myself look better, but I feel sharing some of the negative may discourage some others from wanting to transition. I stayed away while I went through my divorce because I was a mess.

I try to stay positive because even with all the struggles & challenges I am in a much better place.

Maybe this post is a waste and others wouldn't consider me normal. Who knows?

[ReneeT]

DeeDee,
I am similar to you in that I generally, though not always, try to project a positive but real persona. I am decidedly screwed up beneath the surface, though........

[kellycan27]

I don't know if anyone else us like me, but I choose to mainly share what I consider to be positive experiences. Not to make myself look better, but I feel sharing some of the negative may discourage some others from wanting to transition. I stayed away while I went through my divorce because I was a mess.

I try to stay positive because even with all the struggles & challenges I am in a much better place.

Maybe this post is a waste and others wouldn't consider me normal. Who knows?

If we were discouraged by the negative... there probably wouldn't be any transsexuals.:heehee:

[DeeDee1974]

If we were discouraged by the negative... there probably wouldn't be any transsexuals.:heehee:

Lol. I'm just saying I don't need to create a post to let everyone know some teenage punk called out "that's a dude, that's a dude" when I was riding the bus when I lived in Chicago.

But I should have posted that a very nice man on the bus told him to shut up, and got off at my stop with me and walked me home.

He is now my bf and I'm living with him in Michigan in a small town away from public transportation.

[ELIZABETH46]

i have lived toooooooo mannnnnnnnny years wishing i could be myself and stop the lies.
i have watched and "mimik" girls and ladies all my life.
so today I AM A LADY and everything is very NATURAL for me, not offending to the female gender or "push" the subject to the male gender.
my GG say i am more female than her, even in male role !!!, ha ha

[kimdl93]

I hesitated responding because this OP seemed primarily aimed at TS individuals, but let me assure you that many of the dynamics are the same for those of us who are TG. I struggled with anger issues and depression for much of my life. I kept up a macho facade through what to outsiders appeared a."perfect " marriage, then endured an ugly divorce that included being outed to family, friendsand co -workers. Three years of counseling ensued, followed by a marriage to a woman who accepts me in my entirety. All's well that ends well, but it wasn't an easy trip.