The same dilemma.

[shaunamac]

Here we go again. been there, done that, same story.
You meet someone real, real nice, fall in love, everything [almost] is going so well, But at a certain point, a few months in, she says
"I don't want to be with a cross dresser. You need to choose." she says, " It gets in the way of intimacy, look at what it's doing to your life. it's secretive; Do you really have a life ?. Your choice "

and in many ways I can see her point. I look inside and the thought of suppressing a part of me that feels valid, relevant and important just ain't gonna fly. I've tried purging several times, and for me and many of us here it doesn't work.
But the thought of loosing a precious friend and lover is equally daunting.
It starts to become a pattern and the question is , 'To thine own self be true'
or compromise for the greater good.
This just happened to me yesterday, and I have a few days to look deep inside
before answering. To make it harder , she said "I hope you choose me, I love you"
Just sayin'...........

[JessHaust]

Crossdressing does not kill lives, secerets do.

[Tara D. Rose]

I feel awful for what has been presented to you from her. I know it puts you in a bad place or predicament. We read so many stories on here of wives saying you should have told me this before we took the relationship and farther. We read on here all the time where a wife will say if you’d told me in the beginning, I wouldn’t be this way. You wanted to do what was right, and you did what was right. But now, you have a decision to make. Maybe talk of compromises, where you wouldn’t have to give up the cross-dressing permanently. Only you know how you feel and what you feel will work best for you. I hope it all comes out for the good of you.
L&R…………….Tara

[Kate Simmons]

You need to find out from her if you do choose her, just exactly what her expectations are for you in that role. A lot of times the answer to that question will determine who's liife it really is or will be. If it's not totally your choice, it's no choice at all Hon.:)

[Daphne Renee]

Its up to you obviously but I would say if she makes you choose she doesnt really love you. well at least not all of you. This is only my opinion so take it for whats its worth. You said you have tried purging and it didnt work. If it didnt work then who is it say it would work now? If you really love someone shouldnt it be unconditional? To me this would not end well. You either end up doing this in secret and she would probably find out sometime. That or you would end up resenting the fact that she made you choose and it would kill the relationship. If she makes you choose this now what other things might she insist on you changing? It would be incredibly difficult to give up someone you really care about but in my opinion you need to choose yourself.

[Marleena]

To make it harder , she said "I hope you choose me, I love you"
Just sayin'...........

Sounds like an ultimatum and a not very fair one. Is she aware that CDing is not something you can give up? She needs to know it's not like having a hobby. It's with you for life.

[RADER]

Sounds like an ultimatum and a not very fair one. Is she aware that CDing is not something you can give up? She needs to know it's not like having a hobby. It's with you for life.

And I might add that she is trying to manipulate you in her way of thinking.
There are a lot of fish in the sea, I thought I would never find someone that
would accept my CDing; yet I did, and we have been Married for over 18 years.
If she is giving you a "My way or the Highway" act, you might just as well leave
now.
You now that dressing can be put away for a short time, but when it comes out,
then what, a difficult divorce.
Who needs that.
Rader

[reb.femme]

A lot of times the answer to that question will determine who's life it really is or will be. If it's not totally your choice, it's no choice at all Hon.:)

Sometimes, a whole lot can be stated in the most succinct manner. In this case, I think Kate has nailed it. It's what I wanted to say but couldn't better, I'm afraid.

Rebecca x

[Badtranny]

Crossdressing does not kill lives, secrets do.

Yes exactly. Nothing can live without light. Deep dark secrets will kill your soul slowly and completely.

[stacycoral]

And I might add that she is trying to manipulate you in her way of thinking.
There are a lot of fish in the sea, I thought I would never find someone that
would accept my CDing; yet I did, and we have been Married for over 18 years.
If she is giving you a "My way or the Highway" act, you might just as well leave
now.
You now that dressing can be put away for a short time, but when it comes out,
then what, a difficult divorce.
Who needs that.
Rader

Rader is right but we think like some times, if she putting that kind kf presure, it might hurt you in the future. Take care,hugs

[natacsha]

Hi Shauna! It seems like everyone has something good to say here. I noticed you said "a few months in"....Is that how long you two have been together? You're lucky this is coming out now rather than later. Personally, I would do the best I can to try to make the relationship work if I really felt as though I could spend the rest of my life with that person (that would take more than a few months for me) but to know that they can't find it in them to see past the dressing would and has driven me nuts!!! Who does she love? me? or the person she expects me to be? It's hard because you know you can be the man she loves and wants and probably do a great job at it but shauna is more than likely never gonna go away and that should lay to rest any questions as far as I'm concerned. I'd break it down to the nitty gritty with her and simply propose the idea that the person she fell in love with is who he is because "she" also exists. Without shauna, you would probably not be the same person she was attracted to to begin with. I wish you the best of luck and be easy on yourself.... and her too. XOXOXO

[Mimi]

I think she's being manipulative, telling you that she hopes you choose her, because she loves you. It's as though she's asking you to choose between her and another girl you might be dating, or choosing to live in her town rather than taking a job across the country. She doesn't understand what an integral part of you this is--she may as well be asking you to choose between her and your left foot. I think she should be given the chance to do some research on CDing so she can actually see what she is asking you to give up, because my feeling is that true love does not require one person to sacrifice an integral part of themselves just because the other person doesn't like it.

[busker]

Yes exactly. Nothing can live without light. Deep dark secrets will kill your soul slowly and completely.

Yes, but HE TOLD HER already so there is no secret. Clearly there isn't enough information here about Shauna's relationship to make any real suggestions and this is where Shauna has to "man up". In her manly state, she needs to decide if this person is worth a lifetime of 12-step programs to keep CDing at bay, just as an alcoholic does one day at a time, Shauna will have to decide if one-day-at-a-time will work, and that his girlfriend is worth it. The other part, more sticky than this, is will his girlfriend, in the future use this knowledge in some adverse way when the normal "honeymoon" period is over. Few people are married for their lifetime to one partner. Right now the divorce rate is at 50% or so. This may be a no-win situation because the cat is out of the bag so "History" is already there.

[Badtranny]

Yes, but HE TOLD HER already so there is no secret.

Actually he does. "It gets in the way of intimacy, look at what it's doing to your life. it's secretive; Do you really have a life ?"

[shaunamac]

Many thanks to everybody for their 2 c worth, Soon hope to be rich!. The lady in question happens to be a therapist, [she 'knows' about this stuff], living in another city. Although we skype and telephone often we don't spend near enough time together. When we do get together, we're practically giddy with excitement and dare I say lust. We have so much in common, and both being middle aged, we'd both like to find 'someone'. I told her early on , at first she didn't believe me and then ignored it if I mentioned it . I didn't press the point to confrontation and she's never met Shauna, But now we've been talking about moving in together etc. The bottom line is you're right. I am who and how I am, thanks in part to Shauna. It's not going to go away, I don't really want to quit, but if I did, certainly not like this and she's very clear on her limits of who she wants to be with. I guess it's not the fairy tale ending...........I tried the compromise route already. Both of us loose out.....

[suchacutie]

The thing she seems not to understand is that the whole part of you that interests her includes Shauna. It's hard for me to imagine a "therapist" who would not understand this in a fundamental way. This seems very one sided to me, and not a person who is trying to understand the person she professes to love.

You are who you are, and it seems that she thinks you will still be you when she makes you into something else. Her ultimatum is also misleading. The choice is not between Shauna and she! She may want to represent it that way in order to make her feel better, but it's not the reality of the situation.

Just the manner in which she presented the ultimatum would scare me about the future.

Sorry I couldn't be more positive.

tina

[shaunamac]

I would very much like to thank all of you who replied to my post , Every answer was helpful . My answer to her is that I can't promise to not want to dress again, if we move in together. I've tried that before too many times already, [ " This time it's it, I mean it" !!] and not been able to keep the promise; for me to offer to do it again. It seems that she's in love with who she wants me to be more than who I am, and perceives cross dressing in terms of an addiction or a fetish. What I would really like is a long talk with her about what it is that's so unacceptable to her about it. If there's still room for give and take ,, then........maybe
but I think she might be decided about this, and it's not the only drawback factor between us. I still hope we can work it out.
thank you all

[Cheryl T]

Love me...love my wardrobe!
This is who we are, not what we do. It's an integral part of us so it's part of the package.

[jillleanne]

You now have the choice of being someone you are not or being who you truly are. Make your choice, live with it, and take pride in knowing you made the right decision for you , not someone else.

[Maria 60]

I am so sorry to hear this, anytime you have to decide it is hard. For myself i hate to travel but my wife love's it, so twice a year i jump on a plane and go, and from the minute i arrive my only thought is i hope this week go's by fast. In return once twice a week i enjoy wearing women clothing. There has to be give and take, you both have to be happy, you will always find a happy medium if the love is true, even if your happy with slowing down the dressing as long as you as can do it. I can only state my opinion by what you are telling me i don't know the hole story. But i do know if you both really do love each other you will always find a way that you can both be happy. If my wife told me to stop, i would tell her that i was sorry but this is part of my life, i will make changes, but i can never stop, and the ball would then be in her court to decide. Hope you can work things out.

[Tina B.]

The question is, "who's life is it anyway?" Shauna, you say you love her, and she loves you, you think. But from where I stand, love does not included stifling someones inter soul, and a therapist should know better.
If you have to start compromising before things go any further, what does she give up to make you happy (maybe her bigotry to transgenderizem.) You want to try to give it up again, you've said purges don't work for you. Believe it, you think it's hard to quit now while you're in the honeymoon period. When day today life pushes you around and you need to push back, you can't throw on a skirt anymore, so now what.
I know when I tried to totally stop dressing I became deeply depressed, and filled with inter rage, that I took out on just about anyone in my sights, I became peevish and petty about everything, I couldn't even stand myself, and the only thing that saved me an My marriage was coming out and being honest, and finding an accepting partner, and after 41 years of married bliss, I'm so happy I held out for a wife and friend that understands me, my needs and my dressing in womens clothing. Keep reading threads on this subject, and see which sounds better to, those of us with an accepting wife, or those without an understanding wife. now is the time to slow down and get it right my, you say you are in your middle years, there's a long road still ahead my friend, and you might just want to travel it in style!
Tina B.

[Paula Siemen]

It seems a little bit unfair in the aspect that, you told her early on that you were a CDr and she being a therapist should have understood that CD'g is really not a life choice. If she didn't understand the fundamentals of life as a CDr and chose not to use her professional skills to research the aspects of life as a CD'r, then I question her professional competence. Further if she did understand the aspects of life as a CD'r and knew she did not want to be in the life of a CDr and yet she continued to let the relationship develope to the point you describe....shame on her.
Sorry to be so blunt.
Paula

[Jenniferathome]

She does not understand what crossdressing is. You two need to talk about the foundation of CDing. It's not a choice. You know you will not stop and cannot stop. The question is,can any accommodation be met if not, then it is over. Why torture yourself prior to the inevitable breakup?

[Beverley Sims]

Unfortunately I believe Jennifer has laid it on the table.

[docrobbysherry]

Shauna, I believe marriage to be a pretty much pointless and obsolete tradition. And, TOTALLY pointless if children aren't involved!

Even if u DON'T believe as I do, I sincerely hope u DO believe in long engagements. Because quite honestly I think u and your new SO have MANY things working against u besides your dressing! Once the physical ardor dims, think about what you'll be left with?
Still, I'm hopeful it will work out for u both!

[kimdl93]

Here's the thing, if your cross dressing is conducted secretively, rather than shared as a part of your relationship, then it may be getting in the way of intimacy. Turn this around and say to her (if this conversation occurred), "I would prefer not to hide my cross dressing. Are you willing to share this with me??

[anonymousinmaryland]

How's that 2x4 between the eyes workin' out for ya? Sorry.