Finding Acceptance with ones self as CD

[c2candice]

Just wanted to say first of all, that this site has helped me a lot to find true acceptance of myself as a cross dresser. Thank you all.

For many years in my late teens and early 20's I was experimenting with dressing up. Never fully getting to the point of becoming 'passable', but having fun being feminine. All that time, I kept it compartmentalized in my brain. The desire would rear itself and I would indulge.. but always separate from my inquisitive and logical brain. Never being real with myself about the 'why', the 'why not?', the 'what does it mean?', the "how do i feel about it'. pretty much 100% in denial about how it fits into my conscious self.

Being scientifically trained and an inherent logical thought process, the question of "WHY?" got me EVERY damn time. Why do I do it, why does it make me feel good? I could accept those who were transgendered and felt they were in the wrong bodies, and wanted to transition into being a female. I get that. It makes sense.

I would not for the life of my understand why i wanted to wear girlie things and appear as a female, yet have ZERO desire to transition into one full-time. To be honest, I still don't understand. :) It does not make sense, not matter how much I think about it.

BUT, recently (actually now that I have dawned into my 30's), I have started to ask myself the "WHY NOT?" question instead. It is a part of me, it's not going anywhere. My wife accepts it. Its not hurting anybody, anything.

In fact, I have started to concentrate on how it makes me feel better as a man as well. Recently I did a BIG shopping binge at Guess jeans, H&M, town shoes. All man stuff. But I concentrated on what made me feel good. Made me feel comfortable. And guess what?? It was all colourful, fun, tight-fitting stuff. All a bit trendy and fashion forward. Outside of my "box". Generally outside of my usual grey-drab men's-wear.

So I think the key here is for those with my "brain wiring", is to be happy as a man and women. Because you are the yin and the yang. The XX and the XY. The M and the F, in MTF. All at the same time.

No shame, no guilt!! It's gender expression and sexual expression all at the same time. I like to think of myself as a glamour model. Pure expression, no definition. It's like being an artist really. Some use canvas as their media of expression, others clay, others photography.

My media is my body. Expressing my gender and sexuality. I am proud of my masculinity. I am proud of my femininity.

Just some thoughts. It feels good to get that out there. Hope you enjoy.

I would be happy to hear about how you all feel about accepting yourself as a crossdresser.

hugs,
Candice

[busker]

Candice, I did the same thing this year. I'm too old to be trendy, but I too went on a splurge buying men's clothing of the "classic" type when I was a working professional. But, I also included a lot of pastel colors in the shirts, sweaters and socks that I would have passed up years ago, and that is thanks to my acceptance of both parts of me. I am now one harmonious person and that certainly does feel good. enjoy the years coming.

[Beverley Sims]

I tend to have a more outgoing personality, interact with women better an enjoy life more as a woman.
As a man I seem restricted by who I have been. Conservative and man in brown.
I do not wear jeans as a man.
I made 2 posts here and I haven't worked out how to merge them.
Maybe I can not see the wood for the trees.:)

[Beverley Sims]

My choices as a girl are quite different to those as a man.
Gay and frilly colors as against grey, brown and uninteresting.
Love the female side.

[ronda]

Candice it is great to hear that you have excepted yourself at a young age i was in my 50s and wish i had done it at 20 because it feels so good to love yourself as you are and express both sides. I know what you mean when you start to say why not.

[Gocaps14]

I have struggled with self-acceptance for a very long time. I always wanted to be the cool stud on the outside, but inside I felt a bit more soft and gentle. I always looked outside of myself for self-image. It was'nt until recently that, for me dressing is part of a fantasy, an escape. Now that I have accepted that truth, the shame and the guilt have left. I feel better about what kind of person I am, and what I need to do for my family.

[TeriAnn]

I accepted myself a long time ago. I am a male but think like a woman. When I go out shopping I go right by the men's dept. I haven't bought anything in the lines of male clothing in 20 years. I had a funeral to go to and needed some new things to wear. I got rid of my suits and male pants along time ago. I purchased a blouse that was very feminine kind of a pastel color and a pair of dress pants that were indigo blue with fine pin strips running down the leg. I felt so feminine but I was showing my respect for my friend. She knew about me and was happy that I went out and purchased a new outfit for the funeral. I read somewhere on the net just because you are male doesn't mean you are a man. I love myself and am very happy with the fact that I accepted myself for who I am not what someone else wants me to be.

[Stephanie47]

Candice, I enjoyed reading your intelligent self assessment. Firstly, cherish your wife. I can tell from how you expressed yourself she realizes you are a rare prize. Secondly, you have overcome the natural instinct to question your sexuality or inner being. Engaging in cross dressing as a youth seems to end up in doubts of masculinity, self loathing, depression, etc. If you read my comments, you see I always indicate I believe there are degrees of masculinity and femininity in everyone. It comes down to degrees of each. After all, sex is determined not at conception, but, sometimes after. Having not relegated that part of myself to a lock box, how do I express it? Of course, I believe a woman is equal to a man in worth. Further, I have always felt a way to express my appreciation is to dress en femme. It only seems natural. It makes me comfortable to express my feminine side in female attire. There has always been a feminine influence on my male attire. That means I made sure to look clean and well dressed, style dictating employment or play time.

I am always happy when I see youngsters feeling comfortable in their sexuality, whatever their choice. Stay close to your wife. She is to be cherished for accepting the great person, male and female, who you appear to be.

[StacyPump]

Candice, thanks so much for sharing your thoughts. You have a wonderful perspective on the crossdressing desire. As I continue my journey, I am trying to let go of the "why" question, to focus on the "why not". It is not easy, however, as I struggle between the dichotomy, of feeling "why not" very strongly when I am dressed, and feeling feminine, and sexy and strong, and feeling the "why" when I am back at work, or in social gatherings.

Like you, I enjoy dressing, but don't desire to transition, or present femme full-time. My wife knows, and accepts my dressing, though more in theory and less in practice.

Your wife accepts your dressing. Are you "out" to anyone other than your wife?

Regards!

[kimdl93]

Why not! is a perfect way to sum up the male and female aspects of your personality. It is liberating to express who you are, today, to allow your sense of style and sensuality to come out in your male and female presentation. I'm glad you've chosen to live for the moment and enjoy the best of yourself.

[Gillian Gigs]

Some one once told me that you can not tell where you are going, until you know where you came from.To accept yourself is the first huge step toward moving forward with your life. Accepting oneself is what brings peace to ones life, at least it did for me. I agree with your comment about your masculinity, and femininity, and being able to embrace both and enjoy both now. Continue to be aware of your SO's needs, she will still have her doubts and fears that will occasionally come to the surface.

[Melissa Rose]

For me it was quite simple - I just stopped wondering why and just accepted it. I accept and don't wonder why I like certain clothes, food, music and movies over others. It is just the way I'm wired.

A question to ask yourself is if you knew the reason why, would it really change anything? Would it change your desires or needs? Would you try to "fix" yourself if you knew why? Would you want to "fix" yourself if a fix was available? It can be easy to over think or over intellectualize subjects that go beyond our current knowledge and comprehension. Some questions do not have clear or definitive answers so why torture yourself over them?

[docrobbysherry]

What a lovely post, Candi! I love that u revel in your manhood and still enjoy your dressing! I've never considered myself masculine or attractive as a man. And, dress accordingly. Like a slob! Often wondered what all the pretty women I've dated saw in me!?

I have yet to accept or understand my dressing! Which began when I was age 50. Not a thot about putting women's things ON before then! Only about getting them OFF my wife/dates!

[TGMarla]

Nice little blog. I agree completely.

This site was integral for me as well in the journey towards self-acceptance. It's a nice weight to get off one's shoulders, a weight that when gone leads to greater happiness. To be shed of the self-stigma, the sense of something wrong, is liberating and exhilarating. It's personal growth of the very best kind.

[Jennifer W]

I too said "why not" since I first visited here. I'm not afraid to wear what I want when I want. I'm happy with my choice of clothing. I don't do wigs, make-up, nail polish, dresses or skirts. I'm basically a guy who wears lingerie. I have a mustache I refuse to get rid of so I'm presenting as a guy wearing girls clothes. I like my choice of clothes and my wife and I are the only ones who matter!

[RainyNightGirl]

Through becoming more content with my femme-side, it has allowed me to be really take pride when I am or when I do things in my male-side. I mean, because I have a femme-side which I am now embracing it has allowed me to begin taking more pleasure in the male activities that I do. I have really just starting noticing and enjoying those male activities more and more.

The question 'why not?' is what I am now realising myself. I am happy who I am now and yes, I think it is a gift.

This is a very inspirational thread. Thank you for sharing.