A little help or advice here.

[zenerabird]

First off, happily married. My wife can accept some of my clothing choices with no problem. Actually, she has frequently made suggestions. Any style of jeans or pants are fine. Capris, no problem. Short shorts, leggings, tights, even spandex. Same with shoes, very few restrictions. But when it comes to my favorite thing to wear, skirts, she has a hard time with me wearing them. And I'm not talking mini skirts. I like long and roomy ones better. She's slowly gotten more accepting over time(years). But generally just in the house. I want to be myself and wear them out. If she would let me, I wouldn't wear anything but skirts. Any advice on how to convince her that its ok for me to do so? Please help.

[Beth Mays]

This seems to be the Million Dollar Question!

Welcome Zenerabird!

[zenerabird]

True. But I'm hoping someone here has a similar situation that they worked out. And thanks for the welcome.

[jillleanne]

So you are saying she has no issues with you wearing heels and leggings out in public, but has issues with you in skirts out and about? Are you dressed en femme completely when out in heels and leggings?

[Jenniferathome]

Your only solution is to talk and try to understand what it is about skirts that bother her. Can I assume she feels the same way about dresses? Perhaps it is just too feminine for her at this point. Have a sit down and talk about it.

[kimdl93]

My advice is be patient, communicative and grateful for what you've got. She seems to be pretty accepting so far. As Jennifer suggests, talk about it with her at a suitable time, but don't belabor the point.

[ronda]

time and talk talk talk but don't over whelm her time is the most forgiving thing when looking for acceptance from your SO take one thing at a time

[Being Paige]

I'd want see why leggings and heels are ok but not a skirt, doesn't make much sense to me. Only that it would be more noticable!

[Sandra]

I think it might just be that she then sees you more of a woman, and if not comfy with that. Sit down with her and ask her why not a skirt. One thing that you might like to suggest is a pair of culottes, she might be ok with them and then slowly go from there.

[Karren H]

Maybe you don't know how good you have it? Push too hard and she may snap back to unacepting so fast it will make your wig spin!! Just sayin.

[Jackiefl]

Karren has a good point keep it slow and always communicate. Good Luck!

[Stephanie47]

Perhaps clothing with legs covering still evokes maleness to her. After all, aren't there many CD-ers here always complaining about women highjacking male attire by wearing pants? Perhaps, wearing a skirt or dress is too feminine for her. I will not ever wear feminine jeans or pants because I do that very successfully as a male. I'm in with Karen. It's dresses and heels for me or I just as well stay en homme.

[DonnaT]

http://www.hisblackdress.com/

My wife asked me once, why the need to wear makeup and a wig, and I responded that I'd be just as happy out and about without them. She quickly said, not with me!

Seems she answered her own question, in that many wear the makeup and wig, not only to feel complete, but as an attempt to better pass (a disguise) and not draw attention.

But I have been out without the disguise, and not had any problems with the public.

You have to know what your wife's fears are, then try calmly talking her past them.

[Beverley Sims]

The unanswered question here is do you wear breast forms under your tops?
The rest seems ok and take that progress slowly.
If you don't wear forms maybe start with darker feminine tops an progress along that route.
Keep with the pants though.

[Roberta Marie]

Your only solution is to talk and try to understand whatnot is about skirts that bother her. Can I assume she feels the same way about dresses? Perhaps it is just too feminine for her at this point. Have a sit down and talk about it.

I sort of agree, but, rather than talk, ask her about it, then shut up and listen. Listening is the most important part of communications. Listen, not with the intent of forming an argument, or even answering her questions. Rather, listen with the intent to understand her. Once the two of your are sure that you understand her, her feelings, and her concerns, then you can answer her questions.

[Melissa Rose]

I'm going echo what Roberta said. Ask then STFU. I read "Any advice on how to convince her that its ok for me to do so?" and nothing about finding out and listening to what she truly wants and needs, and trying to understand why she does not like it. I can imagine her asking in the FAB forum "Any advice on how to convince her/him that is is not OK with me and not to wear skirts?" It becomes a tug of war where there is only one winner or a stalemate at best. Some type of real compromise or agreement can only be reached and embraced if both of you have an understanding of how each other feels. Don't fall into the trap of it being about getting what you want at the expense of her feelings, needs and desires. If you respect her limits, you may find she will relax those limits when the time is right.

To put a different spin on it, if you had a 13 year old daughter who wanted to wear a mini skirt, skimpy top, stripper heels and tons of makeup to go out with friends, is there anything she could say to you to convince you that is OK and to let her go dressed like that? (Assuming you would not like or allow it).

[wilt575]

Your only solution is to talk and try to understand what it is about skirts that bother her. Can I assume she feels the same way about dresses? Perhaps it is just too feminine for her at this point. Have a sit down and talk about it.

I agree with talking but don't push are you may lose ground gained. Also as Bev128 said do you wear bra and forms under tops. You might need some projection with blouse and skirt. Another thought is maybe she is waiting for better social acceptence, as social mores change, c /ding is becomming more acceptable.

[zenerabird]

I haven't ever worn heels. Also, I'm not full femme when I go out. I don ' t go full at all. But she doesn't have any problem with me in leggings, skinny jeans, most shorts and even some more feminine shoe styles. But she has a hard time with me in a skirt. Its a real letdown for me because I am most comfortable in a skirt.

I have tried to talk to her about it. The problem is that she says I don't understand or want to understand how she feels about it. What about her understanding how I feel. She lets me wear them in the house...no problem. But wearing out is a different story. Frustrating.

When we have talked sbout it, the only thing I really get from her is 'Thats just how I was raised". I don't get a straight answer or how she actuslly feels about it. I do have an 8 year old daughter. I'm dreading the dating years.

[ReineD]

I haven't ever worn heels. Anchor, I'm not full femme when I go out. I don ' t go full at all. But she doesn't have any problem with me in leggings, skinny jeans, most shorts and even some more feminine shoe styles. But she has a hard time with me in a skirt. Its a real letdown for me because I am most comfortable in a skirt.

Maybe she doesn't want people to see you as a man who wears girl's clothes?

Many members here wear clothing purchased in women's sections while they are presenting as men: jeans, polo shirts, sneakers, and other items that might fall in the fuzzy middle androgynous ground between totally girl or totally boy clothes. So when these members are out in public, people don't immediately think, :eek: "That man is wearing women's clothing!" :eek: Maybe your wife is comfortable with the items you do wear in public because it is not immediately apparent they are women's clothes, and so you still appear to fall somewhere along the "normal" (whatever that is) range for male appearance.

I know that we should all live our lives doing as we please without caring what others think. But, this is hard to do for many people, especially when it comes to behavior that is heavily stigmatized in our society, specifically, cross-gender behavior.

If you were transsexual and planned on living as a woman full time, there wouldn't be any other choice than to just go out and do it, and allow the dust to settle while some people adjust. You wouldn't be switching back and forth causing people to wonder who you are. Some people would be OK with the new you and others wouldn't be, but you and your wife would find your niche eventually. Depending on your physiognomy (you might need to have facial feminization surgery), you and your wife would be seen and treated as a lesbian couple. But, would this fit into your wife's identity of herself? Some GGs can be OK with this, and others can't.

If you look like a male and are currently known as a male at work and among your friends and acquaintances, in general it is hard for others to come to grips with people who don't fit into the male/female binary. When you look around at all the people you know and everyone you pass by on the street, there are few people who do not present decidedly one way or the other. Those who cross the gender lines in ways that are obvious, are often thought of as weird and can be shunned or mocked to varying degrees. Unfortunately this is a reality of the society in which we live. And like I said earlier, some people don't care, they prefer solitary lives anyway, or they are happy with just a small circle of accepting friends. But, your wife may not want to see doors closed to her and to you just because people look at you as someone who is "different". As your wife, she would feel the brunt of the stigmatization perhaps even more than you would.

You said, "what about me?" Your wife may be feeling as if the best compromise (I'm assuming she is under the impression you are a male), is for you to cross the gender boundaries at home as much as you want to (she's fully supportive of this, I gather), while presenting in a way that you wouldn't stand out while in public.

If you do not see yourself as a male then this is a deeper discussion that you need to have with your wife, rather than whether or not to wear skirts in public, and the two of you will simply need to go from there.

Good luck!

[jillleanne]

I believe your wife has a door open for you and with much discussion, truths, learning, and honesty you will be fine and although limitations may arise for now, I suspect you will both compromise to a point that will allow you to express yourself satisfactorily and take in her considerations that will allow the relationship to grow stronger. Patience and open honest discussions will go a long ways.

[zenerabird]

F I can get her to actually TALK to me about it. The last time I tried, she didn't want to. That was a couple of months ago. I'm going yo look into the local Tri Ess chapter. Hopefully she will be willing to talk with other SO's in the same situation. Maybe that will help.

[ReineD]

When you say you want to wear skirts in public, are you thinking about presenting fully as a woman as well, or would you like to wear skirts in male mode? I may have misunderstood.

Also, if she talks to other SOs at TriEss, chances are that most will agree with her in not being too keen on their husbands, in male mode, wearing skirts and dresses in public. If this is your intention.

[DonnaT]

I doubt you'll find much support in Tri-Ess, from other CDs, much less other SOs, regarding your wearing a skirt in public, and presenting as a man.

Personally, I think we should be allowed to wear what we want, but when you get married, some things are no longer personal.

The only compromise I can see is that if you find the need so overpowering, your wife give her OK only if you did it a long way from home. Someplace there is no chance of running into someone y'all know.

[zenerabird]

Darn! No Tri Ess in my area. Got to look for other options.

[zenerabird]

Male mode. I have never presented as a woman. I don't believe she would stand for that at all. Her frequent comment to me is that she married a man, not a woman. No going out dressed for me right now.