Am I a ****?

[Miss Mandy]

Part of me loves to get decked out in women's clothes. I can't deny this... Yet, something always seems to be missing. As I stand and look at my femme self in the mirror, I see that I am the image of female submissiveness. I have become the very thing that I always desired...A cheap, easy, loose, tramp.

This is shocking! In my male life, I am an upstanding, socially connected family man with a prominent image in the community. Yet, as I move through the course of my day, I always feel that ''harlot/minx" Miss Jessica leering at me over my shoulder. I do not deny her because she has been with me always. Yet, she is the free-spirit that I have never been. Do I embrace her or do I keep her in chains? This so troubles me?

Ms Jessica's polar opposite.

[Karren H]

Obviously the universal obscenity translator's not functioning, Scotty!

[ColleenA]

I have become the very thing that I always desired...A cheap, easy, loose, tramp. ... she is the free-spirit that I have never been. Do I embrace her or do I keep her in chains?



She is the FANTASY, the outlet of so much that you would like to do but deny yourself! That is what fantasizing is all about!

I say, embrace her within whatever bounds you feel are safe and appropriate. If you want to risk what your male self has built up, let her loose unrestrained.

[Sara Jessica]

I say knock yourself out, just don't let her out of the house and no one will be the wiser.

[max]

MsJessica, you're over-thinking things hun.

[Barbara Ella]

Miss jessica sounds like she might even enjoy some chains, so that might not be as big a problem as first thought....lol

As long as you dont start going out together i think you will be fine. You just need to make sure that you keep her satisfied enough at home that she does not need to go out...too much. And frankly, nothing wrong with the woman you just described.

Barbara

[Davena Doll]

Are you a loose tramp? If you have done that kind of stuff before, Maybe. I think you can embrace her and at the same time keep her in chains.:)

[Kelly DeWinter]

"..... I am an upstanding, socially connected family man with a prominent image in the community. ......"

Sounds like you are struggling with the yin/yang of being transgendered. Allways remember that you have obligations and commitments to your family as well. Any decion you make affects more then yourself. The sad fact of being transgendered is that you have to weigh the cost of being transgendered with the price society and family will exact. You'll pay a pretty penny for the freedom of the inner self.

[NathalieX66]

"..... I am an upstanding, socially connected family man with a prominent image in the community. ......"

Sounds like you are struggling with the yin/yang of being transgendered. Allways remember that you have obligations and commitments to your family as well. Any decion you make affects more then yourself. The sad fact of being transgendered is that you have to weigh the cost of being transgendered with the price society and family will exact. You'll pay a pretty penny for the freedom of the inner self.

Kelly is right.
Being TG knows no socio-economic class. It's not as fun as it seems.
Stuff gets worse when you have kids and a wife.

Life is a bowl of lemons, and I prefer to involve gin or rum when I'm making lemonade.

[KellyJameson]

Not shocking.

They are not opposite but two sides of the same coin, one reacting to and creating the other.

Much like nitroglycerin a pressure wave (shock) will cause explosion.

[Rebecca Star]

I say knock yourself out, just don't let her out of the house and no one will be the wiser.

I agree, what's the harm if it's your little secret from the world and you enjoy it.

[Linda Stockings]

Very interesting set of facts and questions, I must say. The simplest "analysis" I've ever been able to make of my own wherefores and whys, is that CDing is a way of having a little bit of a vacation from being me.

[docrobbysherry]

Miss Jessica sounds A LOT like my Sherry! While I'm perfectly content to keep her pregnant and barefoot at home, she's gotten a view of the city lites a few times! And, the feelings/thots that coursed thru me were powerful, foreign, and SCARY!

Like u, Jessica, I KNOW Sherry is me. But, that doesn't mean I'm anxious to open the door that sets her free! Maybe there r parts of ALL OF US that r best kept locked up tite!?

[April_Ligeia]

Very interesting that many on this site will use the word **** when applied to a certain mode of dress. This word actually applies to women who have frequent sex with multiple partners, the clothes in of themselves do not make one guilty of this particular act, therefore the designation "****" comes from behavior, not a particular style of dress. When you say, "Do I embrace her or do I keep her in chains?", does this mean a style of clothing or a behavior? This needs to be clarified, first.

[sterling12]

OK, Ya' used up your Newbie Opportunity to express your favorite fetish fantasy....your one-time opportunity has ended! Now, you have to actually consider some other ideas. You have to learn about The Transgender Spectrum, and where you fit, as well as where you might be moving to. You have to work on that self-acceptance thing too! You are now condemned to hang around here, and to learn and grow.

Even if your persona is a "scampie," (that's my made-up derivative of Scamp which will get me past the asterisk's) she will not be just that one thing if you let her be more. As time goes by, and you grow; The Character gets fleshed-out, and becomes a much more complex person. Lots of folks start The Journey as Fetish Cross Dressers, but few stay in that one spot.

If you are truly transgendered, your community status, and a lot of other things will become not as important. If she has "been with you always," how could you ever make her go away? If you choose to try, we can advise you about the results. We have seen it around here a thousand times, the harder you fight it, the worse The Obsession becomes. Tell you what? Let Jessica out of The Bag. Lets see what she really becomes? I'm betting donuts, she can be a lot more, do a lot better, if you only let her.

We are standing by to offer what help we can. It's a Gift My Dear! Take advantage of it.

Peace and Love, Joanie

[danielle.cd]

simple you r who u r and not who your not , you know jesssica is part of u , the wild side perhaps so thats just it
if u must be wild let the jessica out and about in moderation to fufill your need and then go back to the mild , not so say comeout of the closset but if you need to be free ass jesssica find the time and place and do it were your comfertable .

[Cynthia Anne]

Lot of good advice here! Actions speak louder then words! Clothes say nothing!

[Meghan]

OK, Ya' used up your Newbie Opportunity to express your favorite fetish fantasy....your one-time opportunity has ended! Now, you have to actually consider some other ideas. You have to learn about The Transgender Spectrum, and where you fit, as well as where you might be moving to. You have to work on that self-acceptance thing too! You are now condemned to hang around here, and to learn and grow.

Even if your persona is a "scampie," (that's my made-up derivative of Scamp which will get me past the asterisk's) she will not be just that one thing if you let her be more. As time goes by, and you grow; The Character gets fleshed-out, and becomes a much more complex person. Lots of folks start The Journey as Fetish Cross Dressers, but few stay in that one spot.

If you are truly transgendered, your community status, and a lot of other things will become not as important. If she has "been with you always," how could you ever make her go away? If you choose to try, we can advise you about the results. We have seen it around here a thousand times, the harder you fight it, the worse The Obsession becomes. Tell you what? Let Jessica out of The Bag. Lets see what she really becomes? I'm betting donuts, she can be a lot more, do a lot better, if you only let her.

We are standing by to offer what help we can. It's a Gift My Dear! Take advantage of it.

Peace and Love, Joanie

Joanie,

What an incredibly informative reply. I am going through one of those times where I am wrestling with her trying to come out. I'm scared of it, but my wife doesn't seem to be. If she's truly in there, and we both know it, then why not let her out? I told her everything this weekend...but I think she has been pushing me to do that for a long time now.

I can tell, though, that "her" coming closer and closer to the surface has benefited me more than anything else I have ever experienced. And it's helping my kids and my wife too...and I know she (my wife) is seeing it.

I've lost 15 pounds since this has started. I care about my health again, and my job and my family...I felt like I was just barely getting by before.

Now I know I have to let her out as much as she wants to come out. I just think that has to happen over time. It's a journey, not an event.

Meghan

[Vickie_CDTV]

It is natural to want to feel desired and be desired, and for some of us even being the submissive partner. However, some things should be left as fantasy. If you love your wife and family, do not act out the parts that involve pleasing a man, doing that is just asking for trouble and you could lose your wife and kids. Dress and do what you wish in private, but don't risk losing your family by going outside the marriage.

[Mollyanne]

Does your wife know of your "other self"???? Have you told her of Miss Jessica????? If you haven't done so, consider doing it sooner than later. I don't know of your closeness with your wife or how she feels about cd'ing , this is the thing that only you know. Your lament does put you in opposite ends of responsibilities and perceptions but all is not lost. Finding and accepting your inner self will ease the burden of what troubles you. Accepting the fact that you are a cd'er will ease a lot of your concerns.

Molly

[Beverley Sims]

I say knock yourself out, just don't let her out of the house and no one will be the wiser.

Don't be self concious others do not need to know .
You are as normal and outgoing as the rest of us.
You need to find a way of letting her free carefully.:)

[Sara Jessica]

OK, Ya' used up your Newbie Opportunity to express your favorite fetish fantasy....your one-time opportunity has ended! Now, you have to actually consider some other ideas. You have to learn about The Transgender Spectrum, and where you fit, as well as where you might be moving to. You have to work on that self-acceptance thing too! You are now condemned to hang around here, and to learn and grow.

Even if your persona is a "scampie," (that's my made-up derivative of Scamp which will get me past the asterisk's) she will not be just that one thing if you let her be more. As time goes by, and you grow; The Character gets fleshed-out, and becomes a much more complex person. Lots of folks start The Journey as Fetish Cross Dressers, but few stay in that one spot.

If you are truly transgendered, your community status, and a lot of other things will become not as important...

I disagree. Not with your entire premise but how it applies here.

True, many who start out on the fetish side of CD'ing end up migrating to a different place on the gender spectrum. However, I dare to say most will stay rooted pretty much where they started. I'm guessing that if those on the fetish side of things were placed on the left end of the TG spectrum, the distribution would be heavily weighted to that left side. Evidence to support this opinion/observation? The fact that there seems to be a thousand or more x-rated CD/TG sites out there for a single "clean" site such as this one.

My point is that it's not a forgone conclusion that OP is likely to be starting a journey along said TG spectrum to find a home. There is a comment in the original posting which kind of escaped me yesterday which leads me to my opinion...


I have become the very thing that I always desired...A cheap, easy, loose, tramp.

The comment is rooted in chauvinism at best, misogyny at worst.

Many of us choose to put our place in the community ahead of our TG nature but I dare to say that OP's self-described place in his community will never be at risk of taking the back seat. Putting a fetish and/or fantasy in the driver's seat just doesn't make any sense. As such, I'm guessing the journey of introspection will begin & end in pretty much the same place. Not that there is anything wrong with that, per se (not that I'm giving a pass to the comment above, I'm speaking to fetishism in general). It's just that not everyone is traveling along the road named TG Spectrum.

[Deanna Jeanine]

Miss Jessica, aren't you quoting from the standard man's definition of a good wife....a lady in public and a (sex goddess- trying to get by the censors) sl*t in the bedroom? You en femme are trying to be the "perfect" woman that a male dominated society has told us a woman should be. Women were not supposed to be sexy or attractive to anyone but their spouses after marriage. Remember the old saying..."good girls get married, loose girls get laid".

Just my 2 cents worth.

Dee

[StarrOfDelite]

There's nothing wrong with fantasizing about getting "tarted-up," going to the local adult book store, and taking on all the customers or some other sort of extreme behavior. I would guess that probably 95% of the lurid transsexual stories on Fictionmania and Literotica have been written by people who are so deeply embedded in the closet that they can't see the light of day at high noon. Both fantasizing and REM dreaming are necessary for good mental health in the general population, and I'd guess even more necessary for those of us who have gender dysphoria. Your self-description makes it seem that you have led a rather rigid and conventional lifestyle, and that you have become dissatisfied with the restrictions which it has imposed upon you. Fantasies and daydreams are a natural response to that.

If you are seriously contemplating having physical relationships with men, well, that's a different kettle of fish entirely. My impression of your original post is that the looseness and lack of restrictive taboos are more of your fantasy than the actual physical act of penetration, which would dovetail with the curbstone psychoanalysis regarding your lifestyle. If you are attracted to men sexually you're probably going to feel a rather irresistible compulsion to eventually test the waters. Some people can live with that all their lives and refrain, and some cannot. I would suggest that you check out http://aliceingenderland.com to review the life journey of a professional person who has managed to balance both a married male's life and a sexually active M2F crossdresser's life. In one of the entries on the website Dr. Novic writes something to the effect that, "When I was a 20 year old rugby player in college I would probably have committed suicide if I'd been told that I would wind up wanting to go to bed with men and be (used) like a woman."

Whatever you do, have a plan, be careful and circumspect, and be lucky!

[gigififi]

Why suppress what you feel inside? Its like being upset wih somebody and not channeling that anger in a constructive way. Bottle it up and the reaction could not come out so well, right?

[Aylineira]

I actually read somewhere that the way some of us crossdress is an egocentric outlet of the woman that we desire the most at *that* point in time. Taking from your own description for example, you at this moment desire a very "loose, easy tramp". However, as some of the other posters have pointed out, it may be that it is YOU that want to be used as a "loose, easy tramp".

In my very guy opinion, you should probably just squeeze one out and release the pressure.

In my very girly opinion, you should probably explore these feelings and get a sense of who you are as a crossdresser and try to pinpoint where you want to go with your desires.

[Lorenqt]

I know exactly how you feel.

[Roberta Young]

Jessica I believe you must embrace Her because She is the other "side" of you. what you see in the mirror is what YOU want to see. consider it as a gift and treat it like one. everyone loves gifts dont they? Luv Roberta