Transition, Marriage and Children

[April Lyn]

Having been married for twelve years and with three young kids, Oldest is eight and youngest is three, and having discovered through a lot of soul searching that I am TS, I have some questions for those who have been in my situation before me. Is it common for a marriage/ family to remain intact through a transition and after? I read in one of the other posts here about legal marriage status after transition and that in most places the marriage remains legal based on the sex of the individual at the time of the marriage, but it got me to wondering, especially in my case how often do these marriages last, and what are the potential effects on my children?

I have every intention that my family and marriage will remain intact and happy, but it causes me great anxiety at times, and I wonder, am I just being naive and asking for too much? One of the things that I have committed to on this journey is to be honest with myself and not be afraid to ask the tough questions, even if I’m afraid of what the answer might be, like right now, but Can I really have my cake, and eat it too? Is anyone else here doing it?

Thank you as always Ladies for being there to listen and guide. Offering your advice and sharing your experiences is an amazing gift you give to those of us who are just starting our journey and is greatly appreciated, Thank you.

- April

[Kaitlyn Michele]

It is not up to you whether the marriage stays intact.

Just be honest with her like you are with yourself, and approach transition with an open mind towards HER feelings and HER needs.

Can you have your cake and eat it too?? I am sorry to say that is a horrible question, and i hope you didn't mean it that way... the right question is what can i do for my wife, how can i help my wife go through this journey and I am prepared for her to leave the marriage without making her feel like the jerk?? without blaming her??

IF she supports you at first, you need to be prepared that there is a decent chance she is supporting you but in her heart she fears it and does NOT want you to follow through...and if you do it, she is going to leave (or be in misery wanting to)
If that's the case, you need respect that, and acknowledge that she tried...


Just as importantly, you need to take care of your kids..and its very doable.. my daughters were 11 and 14 when we told them...everybody told me to wait...that it was the "worst" age... i don't beleive it...it was difficult at times, but after about 18 months, everything came together...their lives went on, i thrived, and we are now closer than ever...

after the divorce, my ex remarried, and although we are not living in a house, we are a close unit of four people that continue to operate as a family, doing things together and talking or seeing each other almost every day...

What I beleive about children at any age is that they want to be loved by you, they want to count on you, they need to KNOW you are there for them....so i focused on that.... its interesting because the BETTER you do in transition, the more you suffer it gladly and show them YOU are OK, and that you are a reliable loving parent, the more likely it is that you will have a good outcome....my life with my kids is totally normal...their dad (which they still call me) is a girl... and its ok...

[April Lyn]

Kaitlyn,
Thanks for the reply, perhaps the cake thing was a poor choice of words indeed, and I definately didnt mean it "that way" at all. I love my wife with all of my heart and my every thought is of her and how to make this easier on her. We both take our marriage vows seriously and are commited to eachother come what may, I guess a better way to phrase it would be to ask, am I asking to much of her, and what can I do to make this easier on her, so we do live a happy and long life together?

- April

[Julia_in_Pa]

April,

I never sugar coat anything here and I'm not about to start.
Your owed the truth so you'll get the truth.

Transition will destroy the overwhelming majority of marriages.
Most spouses that subscribe to a mainly strict heterosexual relationship will not accept the transsexual spouse and will divorce.
Currently statistics show a 41 percent suicide rate amongst trans people and a spouse abandoning a transsexual counterpart only adds gasoline to this fire.

I lost my spouse when I transitioned.

The truly rare and blessed are those that are somehow able to remain married despite the transition however that is likened to winning the lottery.
You will find those that bucked the odds and were able to remain married but like I said it's very very rare.

You will receive replies from other groups here attempting to mirror image your potential situation and I will address it by saying this;

This situation has absolutely nothing in common with spousal issues concerning CD'ing and should not be compared to such.

I would hope and pray that your marriage would be the one that would buck the odds but if you are seriously considering having to transition you have to be mentally prepared for what will most likely happen.



Julia

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Kaitlyn,
Thanks for the reply, perhaps the cake thing was a poor choice of words indeed, and I definately didnt mean it "that way" at all. I love my wife with all of my heart and my every thought is of her and how to make this easier on her. We both take our marriage vows seriously and are commited to eachother come what may, I guess a better way to phrase it would be to ask, am I asking to much of her, and what can I do to make this easier on her, so we do live a happy and long life together?

- April

I hear you..that's kind of what i thought based on your other messages..

Julia's statement seems harsh but I mostly agree with it...

There are some couples that stick together...these are very rare and its not all fun and roses...every relationship is different, and never say never...

transition is totally and completely different than EVERYTHING else...it is total

if your goal is truly to transition, you are asking your wife to stay married (perhaps its even not legal anymore in your state) to a woman...

how does your wife feel about all this right now? what does it mean that she is commited to you? is she bisexual?

i guess i'm saying whatever you do...be honest, do what you need to do and express your desire to stay together.. care more about her than yourself, and when the chips fall, accept it and treat her with love and compassion no matter what..

and if that seems tough, just wait until you really transition and like so many of us realize that our sexuality was just as much a lie as our gender...
not always, but alot more than sometimes

all things being equal, i would have stayed married...i realize now she was always the most special person in my life...i love my ex deeply as my best friend...but i'm not a man, i'm not a husband...and she wanted both..understanding and accepting this is key a successful partnership in the future, married or not..

[arbon]

Generally, I don't think very many marriages survive a spouse transitioning.

I expected that my wife and I would separate, I did not want to keep her in a relationship I did not think she could be happy in, nor drag her and my daughter through my transition. But It was something I gave her the lead on - that I would try and support her in whatever she wanted to do, what she felt was in her best interest. For a while we were going to divorce, but neither of us was in a rush to do it and never followed thru. We are now at a place where she says she loves me for who I am despite the changes and the lack of sexual attraction between us and she has, for now, decided to keep the relationship and our family together. I still love her a great deal, and have so much respect and admiration for her strength to go through this with me.

I think our relationship is pretty strong really, we make great living partners and parents, there is lots of love between us. Our daughter has done very well through all of it and is very close to both of us.

So it can happen. And I think when it does the relationships are pretty amazing.

I agree with so much of what Kaitlyn says and relly liked the way she said this:


What I beleive about children at any age is that they want to be loved by you, they want to count on you, they need to KNOW you are there for them....so i focused on that.... its interesting because the BETTER you do in transition, the more you suffer it gladly and show them YOU are OK, and that you are a reliable loving parent, the more likely it is that you will have a good outcome....my life with my kids is totally normal...their dad (which they still call me) is a girl... and its ok...

I have witnessed my daughter refer to me as dad and as her in the same sentence like it is just a normal thing before while talking to a friend - it is pretty amazing.

[Stephenie S]

Have you ever heard about that proverbial snowball in hell?

All of the above responses are accurate. Can you remain friends? Maybe. But continue in a loving marriage? Not very likely.

Put the shoe on the other foot for a while and imagine that your wife planned to transition into a beer swilling, pot bellied, unshaven, football crazed lout. How well do you think you could take THAT? Do I exaggerate? Perhaps. But only to make a point. Your wife married a MAN. You married a WOMAN. In your fantasy, you get to keep your beautiful wife and she looses her handsome guy. How likely is she to go along with that?

I am sure you get the point. Despite all the most loving intentions in the world, it just ain't likely to happen.

Concentrate instead on easing the amicable dissolution of your marriage. You won't loose your kids. You will always be their parent, and if you can maintain a respectful relationship with your wife, you may not loose her friendship.

But your marriage is toast, dear.

S

[LeaP]

Julia's statement seems harsh but I mostly agree with it...

So do I, particularly the part about being careful about whose advice you take. My wife had no real issue with the idea of me as a crossdresser, even finding it a little bit fun. The revelation of transsexuality has changed EVERYTHING.

[Sandra]

As an SO to a TS who is a member here, I have no intentions of going anywhere. We have discussed each stage of her transition and I know that this is what she has to do, it is who she is, both myself and our daughter have been there for her and will continue to do so.

I know that for some SO's they just can't go on but there is a few who do stay, just don't write us all off.

[DeeDee1974]

Based on experience, my own and others who have transitioned, the odds of the marriage surviving are not in your favor. That doesn't mean that your wife can't remain a source of support and friendship. Especially since you have children together.

My ex wife and I remained together for over a year. We tried so hard, took every bit of advice we could from our therapist, but at the end of the day it was strictly platonic. We tried to be intimate, it was awkward. We'd both be at dinner flirting with the waiter. Not a good situation for a marriage, but the basis for a great friendship.

We try to get together as often as possible, but it's hard as we both are in new relationships with men. We do talk on the phone almost everyday.

Do whatever you can to stay friends.

[Anna Lorree]

Within a month or so ago I told my wife that I am TS. Since then, we have no sex life. She is going to start seeing a therapist soon, and we have agreed to see a certified couples/marriage and sexual therapist together as quickly as we can. I'll be really honest, I expect our marriage to become a platonic relationship and legal status; a marriage of mutual convenience and need, a business transaction. Quite frankly she needs my financial support and health insurance (she has chronic health conditions), and I need her to be here for stability and parenting.

This is the hardest thing I have ever faced. I haven't even committed to going full-time, and this could easily end my marriage. It has already forever altered it. I have come to realize that we may never have sex again. We have at least one mournful and tearful talk every week where we try to work things out, but I just don't see much changing between the conversations. Therapy and both of us being very hard-headed are the best hope I currently hold for holding this marriage together beyond a legal convenience. If it fails, I hope to at least retain her friendship.

Anna

[Aprilrain]

Jeez what a depressing thread.

I left my wife and then transitioned. we were awful toward each other and one of us should have left years ago!
that being said she has been very supportive and understanding about transition and even wanted to stay together early on. shes not a lesbian and neither am I so it was not going to work. My wife and I are currently going through a divorce and its for the best but I see my kids regularly and for the most part we all get along pretty well

[KellyJameson]

Hi April

One reason love remains mysterious comes from what we see others doing for those they love as well as what we ourselves do for them.

The deepest expression of love transcends the physical and it endures regardless of circumstance.

This is the rarest form of love because like a diamond it comes into existence through pressure and time.

But pressure and time is not enough to create a diamond if it is not applied to the correct chemistry of carbon.

I sense you have qualities that would compel another to fight for the priviledge of having you a part of their lives just as a diamond can only be made from the "right stuff" ony certain people are "lovable" which I think you are one.

Your marriage may change and it may end but if you give your wife the room to build a life for herself that may require others to enter into it in those ways you have left it, I believe you have a chance to hold onto that which is most important, your love for each other that is more than just a marriage but two people who in many ways are one.

Often in are vain attempt to prop up our fragile egos we push the people we love out of our lives because we blame them for pain that is really our own. If we would walk into this pain instead of running from it we would not only protect ourselves but those we love.

I do not know why but I sense you have this capacity.

[Sally24]

Is your marraige likely to survive? No. But its not impossible. I personally know one who has been transitioners over 10 years and is still happily married. Now I know a few others that have a very loving, cooperative relationship with their ex-wife. There are many extraordinary people out there, both cis and trans. Don't write people off before giving them every chance to show their love.

Since Julia likes so much to comment on others, even before they've posted I'll agree with her somewhat. Do he careful whose advise you take. SOME have a negative take on most everything because of their experiences. That has nothing to do at all with your life. You are unique and your future is yet to be written. Go forward with hope and love and may life be kind to your family.

[noeleena]

Hi,

Jos & i have/ had been married for 35 out of 38 years. we have 3 grown up adults K is 33, N is 35, & C is 36, girl & two boys, Allso 9 grandkids under 15 down to 18 months,

We had our marrage anuuld becaues im intersexed & my birth documents reflect im a femele at birth. its not just a name change legalily im a female / woman,

For now Jos & I live apart. till her health concerns become more than she can handle then I will bring her back to our house / home & to look after her.

We still do things to gether & infact we are stronger for what we went through to gether, Our family is pretty tight & get on well.

...noeleena...

[Rachel Mari]

all things being equal, i would have stayed married...i realize now she was always the most special person in my life...i love my ex deeply as my best friend...but i'm not a man, i'm not a husband...and she wanted both..understanding and accepting this is key a successful partnership in the future, married or not..

This is the same situation my wife and I are in. She wants a man and I can't be that man for her anymore, even when I tried. She has told me flat out that she will not go down the path with me that she feels I'll be going.

We seperated last December after 22 years. The kids got the house and when she's in town, we share an apartment and the house, as one of us will be there with them all the time. I really don't see her very much because of work and such (we both work out of town at times), but we talk on the phone everyday.

I miss her greatly. I wish we could still be together, but I don't think that's going to happen. We're trying to remain friends, both our feelings, but I can't help but feel like I'm losing my best friend. It is sometimes difficult to accept that this is happening and I hoping we will survive as co-parents. The kids are very important to us. As long as we ensure they understand that we love them and that they're not losing either one of us, I think they'll be okay.

[Lorileah]

On the other hand when a person really wants to keep a marriage intact they have a better chance of doing so no matter what happens. Keeping it real is one thing but scaring the OP is a whole "nother." April, you do what you have to do to try and keep your spouse. You may be surprised that love can overcome the scary (ewww I can't be married to a woman" monster". Some of us are lucky enough to have a best friend for a spouse who will be with you no matter what.

[April Lyn]

Thank you Lorileah,
I do in fact consider myself extremely lucky that I have married my best friend in the world who is my daily strength and support on this journey. I know the odds are against me, and I am so grateful to all who have been so kind as to share their experiences to offer me support, this truly an amazing group of women and sisters and I thank you all. I truly trust and love the woman I married, my best friend, and although I have no guarantee of what may come in the future, who does really? I’m going to take my journey step by step, one day at a time and be grateful for every minute we have together. She wrote on the inside of a book she gave me for my birthday “Happy Birthday to my Best Friend – Be who you are and the world will love you for it, just like I do” I thought that was so amazingly nice and was just the support I needed. So, One day and one step at a time and I’ll keep you all up to date.

- April

[ReineD]

Does your wife know that you are considering transition? If so, what are her feelings about this? If she believes you are a CDer, what are her feelings about that?

As to relationships, I've observed many couples over the course of my lifetime and I've experienced two serious relationships of my own. There are different types of love between couples and your best chance of retaining your relationship in my opinion is if neither of you believe that romantic or passionate love is important. Many couples evolve over the years to consider each other best friends. You see this often in couples who are well beyond retirement age and sometimes even among couples who are middle aged. Their emotional bond is deep, they are best friends, but they lack that special spark (I don't know how to define it ... that something "extra") that defines romantic partners. If your wife is not bi and she wants a romantic partner, your marriage will not survive.

There is another potential complication if you both settle comfortably into a deep friendship, post-transition. I don't know your ages but if you are both rather young, there's a possibility that one of you will fall in love with someone else eventually, even if such a love is not sought. One cannot discount the need for a sexual relationship that cements romantic love, even if such a need is often shelved during the years when the children are young. Also, there is a possibility that you will become attracted to men after HRT and SRS. This has happened to some members here.

But, if a deep friendship with your wife meets your needs and if eventually your wife ends up with someone else after your transition, there is no reason you could not retain your friendship, providing of course that your wife will have supported your transition.

[Sara Jessica]

I guess the burning question has been asked above...

How does your wife feel about this whole thing?

Is she committed to staying with you through transition? Do you both have an agreed upon plan on how to tell the children?

Julia's comment presents such a valid reality check. While every situation is certainly different, it would be prudent to ask yourself if you can live with the possible (and likely probable) reality she presents.

That said, I'll throw out there an alternate POV. Can you live without transition? You have built a life around the gender binary of a man married to a woman who I assume is the love of his life. Three wonderful children are in the mix and I bet that house has the proverbial white picket fence. You have built a life and just as you have a duty to be true to yourself, you also owe a duty to your commitments.

Can you live a life with one foot in both genders? I often call this a "middle path" existence. I wish I could say I coined the phrase but regardless, it perfectly describes my situation. On my guy side of life, I push the envelope as close to feminine expression as I am able, hopefully without going too far over the line. I honor all of my commitments to my wife & family.

On my female side of life, I have a circle of wonderful friends who mean the world to me. They enrich my life and help me to cope with this dual existence.

Yes, I said cope. No choice is easy. My desire to transition is a very loud distraction on many days while others it fades a bit into the background (yet it never goes away). But for me, transition would be trading one set of issues (gender identity) for an entirely different set (loss of my family structure as I know it, potential loss in many other areas of life as well) and I have made the decision make a go of it on this middle path. As long as I have fulfillment on both sides of my life, I think the decision will continue to be the correct one for me.

Food for thought.

[DeeDee1974]

It's not impossible to stay together. My guess is that if you have kids there may be extra incentive to make it work. For my ex and I we did not have kids. We really got along and no one could have been more supportive, caring and helpful during some very hard times. We even saw a sex therapist for a year, but neither of us at the end of the day were attracted to women. We tried believe me we tried to find that physical spark, but it just wasn't there.


Think about it. It's a lot to expect your spouse to poof: enter into a lesbian relationship.

I've talked to my female friends about it too. Only one out of four close friends said they would be able to stay in the marriage. And these are four or the most open minded women I know.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

With regards to decision of not transitioning....



. As long as I have fulfillment on both sides of my life, I think the decision will continue to be the correct one for me.

Food for thought.

This sounds just right to me... This is another way to say don't transition unless you have too..

If you want to know how to decide this, the answer is you will "just know". ....getting no fulfillment from being male, added to getting no comfort from being in female mode is the recipe that aims you towards transition...

As it relates to obligations to kids..you can fulfill them whether you transition or not... My kids are better off for my transition...it turns out one of my daughters Is exploring her sexuality ...currently dating a girl...it turns out my situation gave her courage...I sent her the message that it's ok to be yourself...

[Stephkat]

I still have some hope. I was married and that didn't work. I've always been different. I long for my outside to reflect whats inside and it's killing me. I feel sometimes I'm not going to make it, lose my mind and crack. Since a small child tried to hide any indication of a bulge by pushing down and under, then puberty hit and then the disgust hits and started to wish there was a magic spell that could change this horrid shell. I had always tried to put it to the back of my mind thinking I was being stupid and had some strange mental impairment until I started to read about transsexual women, when I started to read and learn from many articles I realized that I am this and this is real and was not just me, that was it, I cried and cried and cried, cried myself to sleep that night and woke many times and cried back to sleep, I wanted to die, the pain was so intense I could barely think, just debilitating. Well, in the morning after another good hour of crying and 30 years of male behavior conditioning, I put on my game face, wash out my eyes and went to work, every free moment all this comes rushing back to the forefront of my mind, sometimes hard to keep the tears at bay. These intense feeling are not going away, they seem to come back more often and stronger. I was on and airplane the other month at the window seat, I found myself with tears rolling down my face (now I cry a bit most days, become part of my daily routine) so I just turned to appear to gaze out the window and discreetly wipe them aside, it hurts all the time (already had a good cry just typing this). I dream or being able to change the wrong and get FFS and SRS but feel trapped and the kicker is I do have the money.

I have two children and know that if I go down this path the children are gone since my x-wife would disown my very existence, also my job/career would be got since it is one of those few jobs that is considered safety sensitive and any official diagnosis of GID is disqualifying and so poof, all gone. I've spoken to some people and a therapist/psychiatrist online, off the books so to speak, and it was indicated to me that my thoughts and feelings are very real to be GID. Is there any others that have a similar dilemma and has gone the distance. I feel that if I do go forward I and find a therapist that would see through the shell and thus fully transition, I would be so very happy about finally being able to be me but at the sacrifice of others that I care for so much.

Well this is enough from me, woke up and looked into the mirror and thought, glory be, what fresh new hell is this. Welcome to my slice of heaven that was carved out for me.

[emmicd]

you have a very delicate situation to balance between your family which is always priority number # 1 and your TG/TS situation. It is never easy dealing with medical situations but TG/TS issues is a whole other ballgame. You and your wife need to talk and you need to seek counseling as soon as possibe with your wife. Family counselling is very important especially because you have such young children. Your wife also need to address her feelings and you must open up completely and tell everything. You also would best be served with seeing a psychologist to talk about your family life and your transgender issues.

It is never easy. I am going through similar situation as I am married with a teenage son. It is heart wrenching!

I wish you and your family my very best wishes!

emmi

[Sharon]

....you have a very delicate situation to balance between your family which is always priority number # 1 and your TG/TS situation.... i

You're right about family being a priority, but your own well-being is just as important as theirs. This is not akin to not buying a new car so Junior can go to school. Let's assume a sacrifice is made and your needs are abandoned for the sake of others; do you really believe your unhappiness, likely a depression, will go unnoticed? How good would you be to your family if you are depressed and your moods swing wildly from one extreme to the other? "Looking out for number one" is a phrase that sounds awfully selfish, but there's a lot of truth in it.

Sacrificing for others is a wonderful quality, but it's just as wonderful when others sacrifice for you.

[elizabethamy]

You're right, Sharon. I am in the midst of this very balancing act, and the more I understand about my own condition, the more I realize that I have been dragging "the family" down for many years by being depressed, unfulfilled, angry, jumpy, etc. Of course this has affected each of them every day. So to say, well, put the whole TS thing on indefinite hold for their sake -- well, okay, they don't have to go through the public spectacle of their dad and husband turning into a woman, but they also continue to have that dad and husband that just isn't quite all there. So even from the family's perspective the solution is far from obvious.

Bombard me with ideas if you have the answer to this classic dilemma, which so many here are facing.

elizabethamy

[LeaP]

Sacrificing for others is a wonderful quality, but it's just as wonderful when others sacrifice for you.

Sharon, that may be the best answer to the sacrifice question that I've ever read!

[jerca]

My situation is similar to the one you describe. Married, children and after 9 years of marriage I realized what my real problem is. We talked a lot, went to therapist, we discussed our options... but she does not understand, she can't cope with it - she married a MAN. At some point I had to make a choice. I had to choose between commitment to my family and fulfillment of true me. It seemed to me like changing one set of problems for the other, like Sarah Jessica already said.

I felt (and I still do) that my obligation to family is my first priority and I chose not to make any steps into direction of transition.

But it does not end here, the fact that I am not who I really am is _always_ with me. I have my ups and downs and she of course notices all that. We rarely talk about my problem nowadays, but it is something something left indeterminate. Sometimes I get the feeling it is poisoning our relationship, for which I feel guilty, but I don't know what to do about.

Jerca

[LeaP]

...
I felt (and I still do) that my obligation to family is my first priority and I chose not to make any steps into direction of transition.

But it does not end here, the fact that I am not who I really am is _always_ with me. I have my ups and downs and she of course notices all that. We rarely talk about my problem nowadays, but it is something something left indeterminate. Sometimes I get the feeling it is poisoning our relationship, for which I feel guilty, but I don't know what to do about.


Only you can know the full cost of that trade-off. You indicate the direction you took is one that you would still take. Your comment about the relationship being poisoned, however, reminds me that fulfilling relationships have to based on the needs of all ... and sometimes the needs are not compatible. I hope it works out for you.

[ReineD]

But it does not end here, the fact that I am not who I really am is _always_ with me. I have my ups and downs and she of course notices all that. We rarely talk about my problem nowadays, but it is something something left indeterminate. Sometimes I get the feeling it is poisoning our relationship, for which I feel guilty, but I don't know what to do about.

Jerca, I gather from an older post that your wife does not condone any feminine expression at all? Or perhaps it's very limited? I just want to say quickly that my SO has never been married and was therefore free to fully express herself. She also questioned whether she was TS. She also began quite early, at puberty. It is this full freedom of expression that gave her all her answers and she now has a rich life expressing all facets of him/herself. It's difficult to resolve things when there are many constraints, it must seem as if what is desired is unattainable.

You should give us all an update (in a separate thread) since your meeting with a therapist a few years ago. We also have a support section for wives, if she would care to join. :hugs:

[TerryTerri]

... the fact that I am not who I really am is _always_ with me. I have my ups and downs and she of course notices all that. We rarely talk about my problem nowadays, but it is something something left indeterminate. Sometimes I get the feeling it is poisoning our relationship, for which I feel guilty, but I don't know what to do about.

Jerca

I feel for you. I was driving on a mini-road trip of sorts last week and the song F**King Perfect by Pink came on and I started banging on my door with my fist (surprised I didn't break the door or damage my hand) and the words, "I can't apologize for who I am" kept coming out of my mouth. The self-discovery that I am not really a man was not an easy one to digest. Try listening to the song (the reason for my angst at that moment had to do with some drama my ex-wife had gotten caught up in and the difficulty she has had with this whole thing of mine, it's too complex for a simple explanation).

However, it was and is the truth and what I choose to do in regards to being transgendered are my choices, decision and consequences. However, for me it is critical to not accept blame or shame for being this way. I did not cause it, it was simply a card in life I was dealt. No more, no less, I SHOULD NOT and DO NOT apologize for being transgendered. And, in my opinion it is not healthy to even try.

I am not advocating any course of action in regards to being transgendered, I am simply stating my opinion regarding the condition of being transgendered. I understand well the difficulty in finding balance between being selfless and thinking you gotta stay stealth in order to keep your obligations, verse, the internal fracture that living as a person with an internal gender struggle.

It got slowy but surely more and more difficult for me. As time progresses and I continually peel back layers of who and what I am and try to incorporate that with my stealth existence the 'me' I presented to the outside world became more and more fake and guarded. I have finally conceeded that I simply have no choice, for me to continue to fake someone and something I am not simply became too difficult. It really caused me to soul search regarding what my responsibility toward others and my responsibility toward myself are.

I have gotten the wheels turning toward transitioning and, depending on circumstances and situations work and weather related, I'm thinking my glorious coming out completely day will be in the October timeframe.

Good Luck to you Jerca. The beautiful souls on this site have been such a Blessing to me and I'd bet they can be a true blessing to you too!