Devastated

[Sarah Sometimes]

My SO has just told me that there is no way she can deal with my desire to dress in any form and that basically its her or dressing. I can't believe it. Im absolutely devastated. I love my SO 100% and could never even consider leaving her. So I guess dressing is going to be a case of never happened..

Important kinda in shock by the whole thing. And I feel quite resentful in some ways. She has a couple tattoos and plans for more and I think why can she make permanent changes to her body to make herself feel better about it yet I can't do something as temporary as put on a bra!

I keep thinking that mmaybe rethink it but inside I know she won't. She has told me she cries every time she thinks about it, and she just wants me to be the strong man to protect her. In her words ' she doesn't want to be married to a woman'.

Im so unhappy right now.

[Bree-asaurus]

Relationships rely on compromise... why would cross dressing be any different than anything else you like and she hates (or vice versa)?

If you stop cross dressing for her, it's always going to be there... stewing underneath. She will never forget and you will never forgive.

Take a break and give her some time to chill out. When things have settled down, talk about it again. Find a balance that works for both of you.

[Thera Home]

Sarah
My heart goes to you and your wife on this. I believe you need to sit down with her(When she's calm) and disscuss your feelings for her and let her know that you have exposed an inner part of you that most men reveal only to thiers wives. The issue is that you trust her no matter what the consequences may be. She on the other hand needs to realize what you have done is opened your heart to her and have placed at her feet as a doormat to do whatever she pleases. Let her know that this part of you is a gift that most men don't have and that her insecurity shouldn't get the best of her. This process based on what i've read so far is a stepping stone not only in you flowering but also in your marriage.

Thera

[Sandra]

Have you been doing more than what she said she could accept when you posted this (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?174089-Outed-myself-to-my-wife&p=2842744&viewfull=1#post2842744) Have you been trying to push things? I'm not having a go just trying to help understand why she has said this when only a while ago she was ok. Have you sat down with her and asked her why the turn around.

She needs to know that even of you do stop it will always be there in the back ground, it is a part of who you are and she needs to understand this.

[Barbara Ella]

You can take what Bree just said straight to heart. Compromise. Give her some time. Is she educated on what crossdressing is, or is this still new to her? Has she read My Husband Wears My Clothes, by Peggy Rudd? if not - get it.

WHen you talk, remember the loss of her man is all in her mind. Ask her to think if she can tell you how the strong man has not been around while you have been dressing. Get her thinking, especially about your being a man, and what it really means to her. Only by thinking can she begin to rationalize that the man she loves really hasnt changed. If she is left alone, and not made to think, she will stay in her current mode of thought. You must be there for her. In return she must be there for you.

She really needs to learn how deeply this desire is seated, and is not just something that is used just for amusement (ok, sometimes) but is a psychological part of who we are, and it doesnt go away, or get turned off. Make her aware that even if you stop dressing, you are and will be a crossdresser, and your internal makeup will not change just because you cant wear panties.

Keep her active with you, and involved in your, and you in her, life.

Best of luck luv.

Barbara

[Joanne f]

I can well imagine how you feel at the moment because it is something that we rarely just do but more on something that we have to do but I can also imagine how your SO feels towards it , I do not agree with secrets within a relationship or at least ones of importance but sometimes it may be necessary for the sanity of both until something can be sorted out for the happiness of both partners.

[xdressed]

I really feel for you. I was in a similar situation a few years ago and it did not end well for me, but that doesn't mean the same will happen to you. I was still relatively new to crossdressing and didn't really know the ins and outs of it, and I didn't have this forum.

[kimmyg]

I hear the same from my wife. I just cannot stop, so I do it when she's not around

[Rondawants]

Something happened to me like that with my wife! I did give her some time and we talked again. We decided that a little of the undies was ok and Rhoda could come visit when she was gone.That was some years ago and as time has gone by Rhonda has came and visited my wife on two different occasions with her invitation. It's taken some time, but she's coming around. I so hope this is a encouragement to you. Loves Rhonda.

[prettytoes]

Sounds to me like she is very demanding and will not compromise when it comes to what you want, yet she wants you to be flexible when it comes to what she wants....seems like a bit of a one sided relationship. There has to be compromise on BOTH sides for any relationship to work.
This is a part of you, it's who you are. It's not simply something you want to do, it's something you need to do. You will be miserable and resentful if she forces you to stop. My wife has commented many times how much happier I am since she found out; that she loves me no matter what, and she wants me to be happy. We have both made some compromises, but she has never demanded I stop. She knows this is something I cannot do without serious consequences.

[Foxglove]

I hear the same from my wife. I just cannot stop, so I do it when she's not around

There is this. Some people get driven underground. The desire to dress never goes away. Repressing it doesn't make for a happy camper. It depends on how strong your need is. Because if she wants you to stop it altogether, she may end up losing you, regardless of how the two of you feel about each other. If she wants to hold onto you, she may need to compromise. I think it's time for cool heads and some real soul-searching on both your parts.

Best wishes, Annabelle

[DonnaT]

Similar talks have occurred with my wife in the past. I would give in and not dress when she was around, but in the back of her mind she knew I was still doing it.

After a while I was again dressing with her around and things seemed good, then she'd flip again, Etc. Etc.

On our 30th anniversary, she again found it hard to deal with, and said choose. So I told her that I would always love her, but being trans and CDing was never going away, and that if she needed to leave I would still love her. She couldn't believe I wouldn't "quite" again, and left.

But she came back later that day. We've been married over 36 yrs now, and I dress whenever. Will she flip again? I don't know, but my answer will be the same.

So, yes, you can hide it, but will she still think otherwise, and how will she handle the secrecy.

But as a compromise, and if you really don't like her getting tattoos, suggest a trade off. No CDing, no tattoos.

[Foxglove]

But as a compromise, and if you really don't like her getting tattoos, suggest a trade off. No CDing, no tattoos.

I was thinking of this myself, Donna, but I'm not sure it would work. She probably wouldn't see it as the same thing. A tattoo isn't "un-feminine", but CDing is definitely "un-masculine".

Annabelle

[GingerLeigh]

Not really sure what to say here. I don't know you or your SO, or the inner workings of your relationship. All that I know is that the desire to crossdress is unlikely to stop. The desire to dress will probably intensify as will your resentment of her ultimatum. Failure in the relationship will be inevitable as you will ultimately sneak around to so what you must and she becomes suspicious and loses all trust.

You need to talk about this with her and draw some boundaries that are acceptable to both of you. Be prepared to make sacrifices. She needs to to know this won't go away and that it is not a threat to her. You cannot help being you.

What would I do? Humph... I guess I'd try to get her to understand. Get a book or research it online (stay away from the sex stuff, there is too much of that garbage out there). She must be made to understand it will not go away and that if she wishes to stay in the relationship, somehow this will play a part in it. It will be up to her as to how.

Good luck! To both of you!

[larry]

I wish you well. I will not presume that I in any way could give you advice..

[Sarah Sometimes]

Thanks to everyone for your replies and support.


Have you been doing more than what she said she could accept when you posted this (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?174089-Outed-myself-to-my-wife&p=2842744&viewfull=1#post2842744) Have you been trying to push things?

Its a fair question and the answer is that I haven't been dressing in any way whatsoever. I still don't own anything to dress in. I originally agreed with my wife that I would lose some weight before buying anything and I haven't finished that yet.

This all started this morning. My wife does her own nails all the time and she had talons on as she likes to call them. She was lightly scratching my arm which gives me shivers and I said ' you could always do my nails and I could scratch you back'. She said this was going too far on my part and the whole thing went sour from there.

I very much doubt bringing it up again now or in the future would be anything but detrimental. She has told me she gets upset every time she has to think about it.

Yes its my fault for 'joking' about the nails, though it was only partly joke as I have always admired her nails. And I think if I tried to recover that by saying it was just a joke it would be too little too late.

I fear it is all over.

[STACY B]

UK,,,Oh,,,I dont know about you but ,,,, Im not one for taking comands ,,lol,, So the ol dont do it goes both ways . Im sure there are alot of thing she does that you dont like ? Heyyyyy while were spliting hairs ? So maybe just do alot of talking an you might work it out ,, O r head for the ol bottle shop ,,, An then she mite welcome the lady with open arms ,,,lol,,,

[Kate Simmons]

Honestly if it wasn't the CDing it would be something else. It's not really what we do, it's the time we spend doing it in lieu of spending time with our SO. Right now I don't have one(SO), so I basically have free reign over my time and attention.:)

[zenerabird]

Sounds familiar. My SO won't let me wear skirts right now. I have never gone full female appearance and I know that she won't accept that at this time. Pants, shorts, shoes(not heels, just flats and sneakers) she is fine with. So I know how you feel. She doesn't have any quirks like tattoos or anything, so any compromise will have to be on my part. How much, how often, etc.

[Stephanie47]

I went back and read your previous postings. I see you posted and told her of your feelings May 11th. As a person who has been married over forty years, I will tell you a life changing decision should not be made in one month's time. I just posted at another persons thread concerning the wife's non acceptance. It took her nine months to arrive at her decision to part ways because she could not accept her spouse's desires. And, that was after initial acceptance and some limited participation. I re read my answer to your posting I did state a revelation to a wife of a cross dressing desire will forever change how she perceives you, whether or not she sees you en femme. Now the question is whether there is a solid enough basis in the marriage to properly evaluate all your positive and negative attributes, and, decide whether your cross dressing is a deal breaker. Give her some time to evaluate. Do NOT commit to giving up cross dressing, if you're NOT able to live up to that commitment. If she mellows, you and her must establish ground rules through negotiations and you have to live up to them. If she wants to give it a try, be prepared for her to do a 180 turn around. You also have to decide whether or not the negotiated settlement is what you want to commit to. If you cannot live within the boundaries of your settlement, then tell her. Don't deceive her. It will not work. Good luck!

[Eryn]

My SO has just told me that there is no way she can deal with my desire to dress in any form and that basically its her or dressing. I can't believe it. Im absolutely devastated. I love my SO 100% and could never even consider leaving her.

You may love her 100% but it appears that your SO does not love you 100% in return since she is unwilling to compromise in any way about something that is very important to you. Her drawing a "line in the sand" is no way to encourage a loving partnership with another person.

You need to discuss these issues with her and dig deep into the reasons behind her not wanting you to dress. Don't play the "tit for tat" (pun not intended, but it's a darned good one!) game with your CDing and her tattoos. You should both have the freedom to express yourself, not be coercing each other to sacrifice your desires.

[Georgina]

I have seen posts or letters from wives that had just discovered their husbands crossdressed and they were littered with I and me. There was one question that I wanted to ask them and that was, why suddenly the marriage was all about what she wanted and not we. In a marriage or relationship any partner cannot have the power of veto. Decisions have to be made together and any individual can only do what both agree is acceptable.

[ReineD]

I fear it is all over.

You and your wife will need to develop a deeper language than talking about nails, skirts, heels, and panties.

This is about cross-gender expression, not about personal preferences in clothing styles. You may just see it as a personal preference (not unlike the difference between wearing a brown vs. a yellow shirt) and perhaps you don't feel it is a big deal for a guy to dress in a feminine manner, but you wife most definitely detects gender non-conformity. In past threads you've said that if it is OK for your wife to have tattoos and wear jeans, why isn't it OK for you to wear dresses? The answer is, it is acceptable in our society for women to have tattoos and wear jeans. Many women do, they do not do this in hiding, and they do not do this to express a gender opposite than their birth sex, and they do not feel as if this detracts from their inherent femininity. However, when males express a desire to wear feminine attire, since they are willing to ignore the societal taboo (and their own male socialization) against doing this, it does very much appear as if they want to either partially or fully express a gender opposite birth sex and unfortunately in our current society it does detract from their inherent masculinity for most people.

You and your wife need to start talking about cross-gender expression. But first you need to look deeply inside yourself to determine who you are, so that you can adequately communicate this to your wife. This might require a lot of reading, since none of us grow up in milieus were cross-gender expression is freely modeled. Also, just because a birth male needs to express femininity does not mean that he is a transsexual, wants to become a woman, or is into other men.

[Jessica Keys]

I have seen posts or letters from wives that had just discovered their husbands crossdressed and they were littered with I and me. There was one question that I wanted to ask them and that was, why suddenly the marriage was all about what she wanted and not we. In a marriage or relationship any partner cannot have the power of veto. Decisions have to be made together and any individual can only do what both agree is acceptable.
Wow Georgina...a powerful post...so true

[CINDYO]

It is not even possible to put into words the emotions that a wife if put thru when she is told of crossdressing, it is shocking, all encompassing and never leaves her mind 24/7. It is totally mind blowing and seems like such insane, self kinky behaviour to a wife. Her world is so torn apart, without any provication on her part. Remember you may have felt this way for many many years, she knows nothing about cding and has only just found out that her husband does this It takes time, maybe years for her to understand if she is willing to put the effort into it. Unfortunately i can see how, for some, the marriage will not ever be the same, ever.

[BRANDYJ]

This is one of those posts I really hate to see. I'm sorry you are going through this. You have already red some good advice and if you are patient, you might be able to address the issues with your wife again. But for now, I'd just try to be all the man your wife married. Show her how much you love her. In time her feeling may change. I wish you the best and hope it works out for you.

[Jenniferathome]

Sarah, that is not a compromise. It won't work. You'll backslide sometime and she will find out "sometime." you have to have an objective discussion. Maybe a third party is the way to do it. You are setting yourself up for failure. She can choose to never be involved with your crossdressing but the denial of it is absurd. It is. Over time you'll resent her for this.

[natacsha]

Hi Sarah. I just wanted to share my empathy for you. Sincerely. I know what it's like and it's the toughest predicament for either of you to be in. There isn't much I can say that hasn't already been mentioned but if I may bring a tad of blunt truth that sometimes needs to be heard to help clear the air a bit.. (and she knew about my cding before we got together but I told her it wouldn't happen while we were together, not realizing I had no idea that I wouldn't be able to live up to that) I know for myself that at some point in my last relationship with a non supportive ex that I wasn't gonna be able to suppress myself for ever and that automatically lead me to my own ultimatum..."if I get caught or if I tell her the truth" either way, you know that there will have to be a settlement at some point. That, unfortunately, forced me into a position where I already made up my mind should the situation occur. I loved my ex with all my heart and tried relentlessly to make things work but I also know that being a CD is a part of who I am and that is not something I can just wish away no matter how much in love I was. So, early on, I knew that eventually I was gonna have to pick between myself and my ex. It didn't even need to come to an ultimatum. I basically sat her down and expressed myself in the most sincere way possible. I told her that I was in love with her and I always have been but my needs to express Natacsha were stronger than anything I could control. I had tried and succeeded for a few years and before I started sneaking around (which is NO way to live life) I thought I would let her know. We basically came to a mutual understanding that it wasn't gonna work. The fact that she couldn't even try to hear my side of it was enough for me to let go of her without as much pain. Essentially, we let go of each other....mutually.

I only offer these words as a sense of reality and clarity that I am nearly certain most of us have been through, going through, thought up, and/or acted on. Hopefully you understand that.

I wish you and your SO only the best and just remember that time will heal. Natacsha XOXOXOXO

[Jacqueline Winona]

I feel for you, Sarah, sad to hear the ultimatums. I'd love to say things will get better, but you just never know on these things. Give it a couple of weeks and see where you stand. Just try to say little about it for now, more for your good than hers as you need time to rationally state your case. But the tatts would be a definite no, never, nfw in my mind if she insists on this.

[Lisa Gerrie]

I truly believe that any relationship where one partner expects the other to change in a significant way is likely to fail. If one partner requires the other to change as a condition of the relationship, it's already over.

Sorry to be so blunt, but if your SO doesn't love you for who you are, don't try to change who you are. We all want to be loved for the person we are, in our hearts. (Not only that, it probably won't work.)

The question is not "do you love crossdressing more than you love your SO", it's "do you love yourself more than you love your SO?". If not, seek help with that because it's not healthy. If you do love yourself, move on and keep loving yourself.

Breakups are hard, but it won't be any easier next year, or the year after that. If you already feel resentful, imagine how you'll feel after it festers for fifteen years.

Speaking from experience, although my divorce had nothing to do with crossdressing.

[Maria 60]

I am very sorry to hear this, i believe if two people really love each other they will always find a way that both can be happy. I am sitting next to my wife as I am wrighting this and just a few minutes ago i read this post to her. I told her if you ever wanted me to totally stop and remove all of Maria from the house or she will leave me, I could make the promise but it's like hiding something in the snow, one day the snow is going to melt and the promise will 100% be broken, so i will not ever make that promise.. I told her i could slow things down or make some change's, but if you want me to totally stop the front door is there and she could go through it if she likes. I love her and she is the world to me but I am not a dog being told to sit, i will sit when i want too. I would understand if I want to dress all the time or make some real big change's. I find at times my wife likes to test the waters and tell me she doesn't want me to dress tonight and i believe she wants to see where she stands. It's tough, the only thing my wife has to say about this is, if she can't agree to you even dressing in private when she is not around, maybe you should really look at the relationship and if it's worth saving. If she really love's you like you think she doe's, instead of making you stop you should be both talking about how Sahara can fit in , even if you have to get help from the outside. All I could say is, you could stop for now but your wife better be ready because when she least expects it, Sahara WILL BE BACK. I hope you could find some kind of a happy medium and move on with your lives together. All the best to the both of you.


Hi Sarah. I just wanted to share my empathy for you. Sincerely. I know what it's like and it's the toughest predicament for either of you to be in. There isn't much I can say that hasn't already been mentioned but if I may bring a tad of blunt truth that sometimes needs to be heard to help clear the air a bit.. (and she knew about my cding before we got together but I told her it wouldn't happen while we were together, not realizing I had no idea that I wouldn't be able to live up to that) I know for myself that at some point in my last relationship with a non supportive ex that I wasn't gonna be able to suppress myself for ever and that automatically lead me to my own ultimatum..."if I get caught or if I tell her the truth" either way, you know that there will have to be a settlement at some point. That, unfortunately, forced me into a position where I already made up my mind should the situation occur. I loved my ex with all my heart and tried relentlessly to make things work but I also know that being a CD is a part of who I am and that is not something I can just wish away no matter how much in love I was. So, early on, I knew that eventually I was gonna have to pick between myself and my ex. It didn't even need to come to an ultimatum. I basically sat her down and expressed myself in the most sincere way possible. I told her that I was in love with her and I always have been but my needs to express Natacsha were stronger than anything I could control. I had tried and succeeded for a few years and before I started sneaking around (which is NO way to live life) I thought I would let her know. We basically came to a mutual understanding that it wasn't gonna work. The fact that she couldn't even try to hear my side of it was enough for me to let go of her without as much pain. Essentially, we let go of each other....mutually.

I only offer these words as a sense of reality and clarity that I am nearly certain most of us have been through, going through, thought up, and/or acted on. Hopefully you understand that.

I wish you and your SO only the best and just remember that time will heal. Natacsha XOXOXOXO

That is so sad, and yet it is the most honest thing i ever read on this site.

[deebra]

So many good posts have been written here on this thread and I'm so glad to see some of our members doing something pretty much unheard of and that is standing up for the guy. I see your wife as having been spoiled, given her way and has come to believe others should cave into her wants and she has no sense of fairness or guilt when stomping on the other person to get her way always. She is selfish and self-centered and probially a big time bitch and you are her outlet for her frustrations and her whipping boy. I'm sure you are passive and give into her all the time. If you don't give into her again like she is always use to and she dumps you she just might be in for a big surprise when the next guy doesn't do it. She also might start to gain a little more respect for you and see you as more of a strong person that is capable of making good, sound life time decisions rather than her wimp. Sorry for the harsh sermon. So now is a good time to decide, do you stand up for some things you want or spend the rest of your life as her door mat and kissing her ass.

[Presh GG]

Short of it

HOW CAN YOUR WIFE " LOVE YOU FOR WHO YOU ARE " WHEN SHE HAS NO IDEA WHO YOU ARE , WHAT CDING / TG IS NOR THAT YOU WERE BORN THIS WAY.

there have been alot of slams about wives , but little in the way of communication.

I wish you the best, and I hope you can get through this.
From what I've read here, counseling may help, talking is deffinately better than bitterness.

Presh gg

[celeste26]

Now that the cat is out of the bag here, we can hear the chorus of I told you so....

The wise ones always tell their serious girl friends they CD before any proposals. If you knew her POV about CDing before you married then you would not be in this mess. There are plenty of gg's who love and support this CDing and there is NO reason at all why you need to spend anymore time in this dead end relationship. Just get out and start all over again with some one who already loves and supports this activity. Yeah of course it hurts (both of you) but the shortest period of time of dealing with this hurt is to get through it fast, deal with it, get over it and along in life. Dont bother expecting this person to change slowly or at all, assume the worst and leave it at that.

[ReineD]

HOW CAN YOUR WIFE " LOVE YOU FOR WHO YOU ARE " WHEN SHE HAS NO IDEA WHO YOU ARE , WHAT CDING / TG IS NOR THAT YOU WERE BORN THIS WAY.

there have been alot of slams about wives , but little in the way of communication.

Not to sound like a broken record, but here you have it from another GG.

The communication needs to move beyond nails, panties and skirts and your wife needs to learn what this is all about for you. If she doesn't know, how can she see who you are, as Presh so aptly put it?

[Rebecca Star]

My SO has just told me that there is no way she can deal with my desire to dress in any form and that basically its her or dressing. I can't believe it. Im absolutely devastated. I love my SO 100% and could never even consider leaving her. So I guess dressing is going to be a case of never happened..

Question.... Did you tell your SO about your desire to dress when you were dating, before things got serious and were married?

My guess going on the context of your post, you didn't.



I feel quite resentful in some ways. She has a couple tattoos and plans for more and I think why can she make permanent changes to her body to make herself feel better about it yet I can't do something as temporary as put on a bra!

Mixing apples and oranges ain't going to solve this problem your faced with now. Besides, I think your missing the point. Regardless of what your SO does to her body, she's probably the same person you married. You on the other (and just my opinion) are not the person she thought you were. Big difference.



She has told me she cries every time she thinks about it, and she just wants me to be the strong man to protect her. In her words ' she doesn't want to be married to a woman'.

This is a stereotypical response to how people view "us". You want to dress en femme, your SO thinks you want to be a woman, plain and simple. The solution, is not an easy one. However, starting a line of communication where you can accept why your SO feels this way is a start. Letting her know that your still that "man" is what she needs to hear. More importantly (depending on how you answered my question), she needs to be told the truth too. And I mean everything!

I'm sure most here can identify with purging and trying to deny their feelings/needs and desires to dress. However willpower or anything else is not going to stop you dressing. You maybe be able to curb these feelings for a while but eventually they come back. Put simply, denying acknowledgement that Sarah is a part of you, is futile.

Albeit stopping may prevent the marriage going down the tubes but if you think your unhappy now, wait till those desires surface again, what will you do then?

added: What we do is not like changing a brand of deoderant, it's a compulsion (well that's how it is for me). Rebecca is just as much a part of who I am as a "man", as to what I am as a complete person.

[Michelle (Oz)]

I'm sure most here can identify with purging and trying to deny their feelings/needs and desires to dress. However willpower or anything else is not going to stop you dressing. You maybe be able to curb these feelings for a while but eventually they come back. Put simply, denying acknowledgement that Sarah is a part of you, is futile.

Albeit stopping may prevent the marriage going down the tubes but if you think your unhappy now, wait till those desires surface again, what will you do then?

added: What we do is not like changing a brand of deoderant, it's a compulsion (well that's how it is for me). Rebecca is just as much a part of who I am as a "man", as to what I am as a complete person.

So very very true Rebecca. I stopped dressing 4 years ago after several years happily out and about en femme. I stopped because my ex left me for 'a real man'. I repartnered (now married) soon after but the desire has returned as strong as ever. While I purged much of my wardrobe I couldn't bring myself to throw my favoutite things so I have a head start but in the closet.

I do have grave concerns about the future but that's a subject for a later post.

Michelle (Oz)

[paulinescotlandcd]

You can't stop.Time, sooner or later, for a swift exit. Sorry for being so blunt.

[Babeba]

I remember talking with this random woman once who was bragging that her husband was now a 'real man' because he had had a vasectomy. That made me more than a little confused! I mean, no offense to those of you who have had this done, but when you sterilize a male dog, you get to talk about him being an 'it.' her definition of real man was surely not the same as mine!


I think that your wife is still processing and that is something she needs to do that is going to take time. You cannot rush feelings. She has known for, what, a month? Based on your other thread? And she's having to rewrite her view of whether you count as 'a real man' (which you do, by the way) and what a real man is anyway.

It sounds like you wearing those items like panties and bodysuits were okay in her mind - probably because they were what you do with your own body, much like her tattoos. Now she is having to rewrite her internal script of what it means to be male or female. That is not something she had to do before. It is a scary process sometimes.

I think what you can do in the meantime is to be as healthy of a person as you can be. Prove to her that you are the same man as before, you are just a little more open now. Eat well and exercise for your heart's sake, not just to lose those thirty pounds you talked about - but when you hit that goal, think about how you will bring up the fact you will be buying more items, slowly. (Slowly buying!) if you have said you aren't going to buy stuff until you have lost that weight, then don't do it. You can encourage her to join here (it can really help) but you aren't going to be able to force her to join.

Also, please don't force her to participate in this. She is her own person with her own interests, surely not all of them are things you do together... Even though you know about them. If she isn't ready to see it or anything about it, then take a little time to do it by yourself sometimes. She only needs to know this part of you exists, is probably not going anywhere, and is integrated into who you are. If she does want to be a part, fantastic, but if she does not, then please respect that.

As for pants and tattoos: if these were an open part of her life before you started dating (which they probably were) it is absurd to feel resentful of them now, isn't it? I mean, we grow up in pants right from being babies. Forget decades old social conventions, pants and shorts are just part of who we are. They are in our girl guide/scout uniforms, in our sports uniforms other than field hockey, in our whole lives. They are just as much part of our identity as yours.

[Sophia Claire]

It breaks my heart to read about this happening to you. It's not fair...

The whole thing is completely unfair, but it is real and it is happening and it is a fork in the road for you two. I know how you feel about this. My wife left me over a personality quirk (not CDing, mind you). It's not right that just because there's this one little thing about you that suddenly the deal is off. Better or worse, indeed! That's bulls*** and she knows it. My heart goes out to you.

Does she not feel safe when you're around? I assume that she feels safe when you're in drab. I mean, is your transformation so complete that you aren't you when you're en femme? I know that my response to any given emergency would be the same were I wearing a skirt or jeans. Break-in? I'll kill them just as dead in a nightgown as in boxers and a t-shirt. Medical emergency? I can't imagine a scenario in which painted and manicured fingernails would prevent me from dialing 911, can you? And I doubt very seriously that you're all that different from myself in this regard.

One thing that I think that GGs do (with apologies to Babeba) that we'll probably never fully understand is freak out hardcore for reasons that are completely illogical. Which is not to say that there is no reason, she told you what the reason is. It just doesn't make sense. And it probably never will. It sounds to me like she's in the middle of a massive freakout. Like Babeba pointed out, she JUST found out about this. Emotions are flying every whichaway and that can sometimes lead women to say things they maybe don't completely mean.

Important note: I'm not saying that she's just bulls****ing and you should call her bluff. I'm saying that over time, as she calms down about the whole thing, it may be less of an issue.

I can't offer you any "here, try this" advice, and I hope that what I've said is at least a little comforting (even though I know it's not, really). I hope this works out for you.

Cuddles,
Sophie

[LisaMallon]

Been there my friend.

You have 3 choices, as I experienced:If there are other options please everyone here add to them.

Agree to stop. This might work. But forever more she will be looking at you with a microscope.
Even if you are always totally straight the slightest look at something or someone will be analysed.
Heck even if you do something nice for her then she will interpret as being 'different'.
She might not believe it anyway and will be working out her 'exit strategy', with her friends/relatives/etc.

Agree a compromise. of some kind that she will except.
Though again you will be under a microscope all the time. Step one inch over that 'agreement' then you are in trouble.
Again she will probably be working out an 'exit strategy'.

End it and move on. You wont do this, until she leaves you. I recommend talking to a lawyer.
Obviously you will (as all good people do) meet all moral and emotional commitments, especially if there are children involved.
But you do not want to lose everything.

Realistically, when it comes to this point you chances of saving your relationship is .. possible.

Your only chance if you want to save this relationship is for both of you to go to some counselling .. fast, like real fast.
And that means someone who has had at least some experience with transgendered people.
Because, again from my experience, someone who has not will tell her straight away to leave you.

I'd love to give you better news.

But, if you really love her and if you both do all the right things then you have a chance. And maybe a chance at something better than you have both had up until now.

And of course, my best hopes go with the pair of you.

[Sarah Sometimes]

First of all I would like to thank all of you for taking the time to read and respond. I have read all of the replies and would like to take this opportunity to respond to some of the points and questions. But before that I want to update you all as to what is happening.

My wife and i have spoken again about me dressing, or not dressing. She has clarified her position that she is still ok with panties and bodies. Absolutely anything beyond that is out of bounds. So me 'joking' about nails was definitely not helping matters. While she is still scared she is ok with the panties and bodies.

Questions
Q. Did I tell my wife about my desire to dress when we met?
A. No, at the time that we met and for the best part of 13 years after that I didn't even know air wanted to dress. In fact when I was wearing panties and bodies last year I still didn't see myself as a crossdresser. Im not sure why, maybe denial and that's what led to the purge. But the point is there was no way I could tell her when we met as I didn't know. And its the same with her and tattoos. Shedding get her first tattoo until maybe 4 years ago, so she wasn't aware when we met that she would later want to modify her body.

Q. Have I dressed outside tow boundaries originally agreed upon?
A. No, and I am not dressing at all. Since I first came out to her I have bought nothing and worn nothing in line with what I originally agreed with.

Q. Is it likely that our marriage will come to an end?
A. I sincerely hope not, and in light of my wife's clarification of her views I tend to doubt that we would end up there.

We both still love each other dearly, more than ever. And neither of us wants or marriage to end. We have spent a fantastic 15 years together and neither of uabis ready to call it a day.

We had a good long talk and my wife was quite open about why she feels the way she does, and the fact that she is not even sure how she feels. Through her childhood she was abused mentally by one parent and physically by the other. Her first adult relationship was abusive. So she found it very hard to trust me when she met me. Over time that trust developed and we were able to build our lives together . She eventually feltbshe was able to talk to me about her past and in her words ' I was her rock'. Now she feels that a lot of that trust has been eroded and she no longer has me to talk to because I am the issue, so she also feels alone. She can't understand and process the thoughts that go through her head and has no-one to turn to or talk to.

I feel aol guilty for putting her in the situation she finds herself in now. Sometimes I wish I could turn back the clock and erase it. Others I just wish I could make her pain go away.

That said we are on a better footing now. I know that dragging the subject up, even joking, will not make things any better. I know that right now her boundaries are solid and I do not intend to cross them. Knowing her the way I do there is a possibility that in time those boundaries might change and stretch. But that will be a long long way off.

Right now I am happy that we are in a better state than we were last week and that my wife is still comfortable with me dressing within boundaries.

[BRANDYJ]

Hi Sarah, I am so glad to hear that you and your wife might make it after all. I hate hearing about breakups and divorces as much as hearing someone died. You seem to be on the right track to perhaps even growing closer then ever. I wish you and your wife the very best...sincerely.

BTW, I never heard of "bodies" as in something to wear. Just one of those British terms I never heard before.

[Sarah Sometimes]

Thanks Brandy

Bodies, or bodysuits: think t-shirt but extended down with snaps at the crotch. They are definitely
available on your side of the pond, but not sure what they are called there.

See www.bodysuit.com for more info.

[Babeba]

Sarah,

I am glad you have talked more with her. I also agree that over time, IF SHE CAN TRUST YOU, those boundaries will change as she learns her big strong man is still there no matter what the outfit is. (I found that out for sure!) boundaries are less about absolute control over what you do with your body and more about building trust, and the more cross dressers who realize that, frankly, the better for them and their partners.

[kimdl93]

I am glad that you have had the subsequent conversation. Now you know the real base of the problem. Your wife has her own issues - insecurities deeply rooted in her own upbringing...and for better or worse...these issues are bearing upon you. It doesn't seem that you have given her any reason to lose trust in you, but rather that its just difficult for her to trust anyone. Given her past, that's not surprising.

In the end, whatever works for the two of you is fine. I don't think you should look at this as the last word...but hopefully it can be the beginning of a conversation and perhaps a chance to work through some of the old issues that affect her ability to trust today.

[Foxglove]

Sarah, I think it's really great that you and your wife are talking now--especially your wife. She's explaining to you where she's coming from, and from the little you've told us here, I can understand what she's saying.

She needs "a rock". Emphasize to her that a TG person can be a rock. There any many people on this forum who have good marriages. Also, just yesterday I was exchanging PM's with a member who, like me, is/was a single parent. TG people can look after their kids, they can look after their wives, they can look after jobs, they can look after everything a cisgender person can. Tell her you can be relied on, show her that you can. She's now explaining her needs to you, which is very good. The fact that you're talking and listening gives hope that she'll begin to understand your needs as well.

Best wishes, Annabelle