Thinking of coming out to a couple of friends

[xdressed]

But I need your advice on how best to do it. They are both GGs, I've known both for quite a long time (one for 9 years and one for 7 or 8) and both are single so there's no risk of them telling there SO's. I've spoken with my SO and while she is worried about it (she is good friends with them also and is uneasy about what might happen if they react negatively) she has told me to go ahead. I know them both well enough to say that they almost definitely won't freak out or out me to everyone etc. Because they both work a lot and don't live within walking distance it's unlikely I'll be able to meet them in person to do it without any other people there (one is the guitarist in my band so the only time we ever get the chance to hang out is at band practice, where there will be another guy there who I have only just met, or at gigs where we surrounded by people I barely know) so it'll have to be via private message. So what's the best way to go about this? Or should I not be so hasty?

EDIT: I've just found out that my SO brought up Crossdressing with one of the friends (the one I have known for 7 or 8 years and is in the same band as me) and she send something along the lines of 'girl clothes are for girls', so I won't tell her online or too soon. The other friend though seems more ok with it though, we were talking about John Barrowman (of Doctor Who and Torchwood fame) once and she mentioned the time when he was in a play as a woman and said he looked great and had amazing legs.

[RADER]

I think that there is no real hurry in telling them, so why tell.
Once the cat is out of the bag, you can not put him back in it again.
So if your wife has hesitancy's, leave it alone.
Rader

[xdressed]

Yeah I guess there is no reason why it has to be right now. I'm just starting to grow tired of having to keep it a secret from everyone but my finance'. To those that have come out to at least a few people, how do you know when the right time really is?

[Lorileah]

So what's the best way to go about this? Or should I not be so hasty? you evidentlt feel that they will accept you and that you will be more comfortable around them as a result. The easiest way I have found is to joke about something like clothes, make up what ever . i.e. "Can you believe she is wearing THAT?!? I would never wear that I would pair that with...."


EDIT: I've just found out that my SO brought up Crossdressing with one of the friends (the one I have known for 7 or 8 years and is in the same band as me) and she send something along the lines of 'girl clothes are for girls', Yeah probably not a good idea but then again she probably wears something from the men's department

[Jessica Keys]

I think that there is no real hurry in telling them, so why tell.
Once the cat is out of the bag, you can not put him back in it again.
So if your wife has hesitancy's, leave it alone.
Rader
Yes I agree with MS Rader. Life might not be as good as it is now and your wife would hate to loss her friends also.
Mmmm maybe find your own friends first.

[xdressed]

you evidentlt feel that they will accept you and that you will be more comfortable around them as a result. The easiest way I have found is to joke about something like clothes, make up what ever . i.e. "Can you believe she is wearing THAT?!? I would never wear that I would pair that with...."

Oddly I did give one of them (we'll call her friend A from now on to make it easier, this is the one that liked John Barrowman in a dress) advice on which dress to choose for some family event she had coming up after she showed me some photos and asked. I'm not sure how I'd turn a convo like that onto my being a crossdresser though.


Yeah probably not a good idea but then again she probably wears something from the men's department

As one of the few women in the heavy metal subculture she has plenty of small men's shirts, but I doubt bringing that up will sound anything other than slightly defensive and aggressive. I've decided not to tell this friend (friend B from now on) at all for now.


Yes I agree with MS Rader. Life might not be as good as it is now and your wife would hate to loss her friends also.
Mmmm maybe find your own friends first.

Me and my girlfriend were friends for a very long time before we got together (about 9 years, not far off 10) so there are very few people I'm close to that aren't at least somewhat close to her. The ones that aren't are mainly from bands I've played with or run the venues that we play at or are old school friends that I haven't seen so much in the last few years. As great as most of those people are, I don't think it would do me any good to come out to them

[Tracii G]

you evidentlt feel that they will accept you and that you will be more comfortable around them as a result. The easiest way I have found is to joke about something like clothes, make up what ever . i.e. "Can you believe she is wearing THAT?!? I would never wear that I would pair that with...."

I have found small hints like this have good results.
You need to be very selective when and where you do this.Maybe if you are out somewhere mention when a nice dressed woman passes by say you know she has a great look and great sense of style.
Maybe the girl will say well yeah I don't like the shoes with that top.Say yeah the color is right anyway.
I did this with a woman I had just started dating a few years ago.This was the 3rd date BTW.
The first two dates she complimented me on my finger nails and and overall look and said my outfit was well put together and that most guys forget the small things.
I told her I sweat the small stuff like that and she laughed.
She had to stop by the drug store for a few things before we headed out to a picnic and she was picking out nail polish and said hey you like this color? I said yeah that would go with the top you had on the other day and she said you're right.
Not long after that she asked me how did I know so much about fashion related things?
I said its a long story and she replied I have plenty of time.So I told her.She was fine with it because I didn't push it on her plus she had gotten to know me as a guy.

Take your time and when have the chance compliment her for something most guys wouldn't.

[xdressed]

I suppose I could try something like that, but I was thinking of telling her in a more outright way, possibly with my SO there if she is willing. That would probably make it easier for me but I don't know if friend A would find it easier to ask me things about it with my SO there or not.

[MaryAnn40c]

I've come out to friends from high school/college on facebook. Even to people I dont know but are from fields of "pro" employments. I find most are surprised or dont really care or are excepting.

[Tina B.]

What do you really want to gain from telling her, and how does this benefit her? Are you hoping for a shopping buddy, someone to talk girly with? If the only time you see these people are at work, or a gig, when will being able to talk about this be of any use? If it's just so you can say you have told someone, what's the point?
Good results happen best, when there is something to be gained by both sides, if it's just to make one person feel good with no benefit for the other, it may be to much information,more than she wants to share. Regardless of what you think, the out come will be, remember you put your privacy in the hands of another, that has nothing to lose but your friendship.
Tina B.

[Rebecca Star]

Good results happen best, when there is something to be gained by both sides, if it's just to make one person feel good with no benefit for the other, it may be to much information,more than she wants to share. Regardless of what you think, the out come will be, remember you put your privacy in the hands of another, that has nothing to lose but your friendship.

I agree with Tina, some excellent food for thought.

[Noel Chimes]

Sometimes it is better to leave some things unsaid. You can't change someones opinion; especially when that opinion is negative. Don't push the issue unless you are planning on going on stage dressed.

[Foxglove]

One advantage of coming out to someone is that then you're no longer hiding something from them, you don't have to keep a secret any more. It's a weight off your shoulders. But maybe you need to decide how much of a weight it really is. Is the secret so inconvenient that it really needs to be shared? If so, then sharing it may well be the right thing to do. The advantage to the other person is that it might make for a better friendship. Things are out in the open, there's no secrets between you. At least in theory. Some people might prefer not to know. It all depends on the situation and the people involved.

Annabelle

[xdressed]

What do you really want to gain from telling her, and how does this benefit her? Are you hoping for a shopping buddy, someone to talk girly with? If the only time you see these people are at work, or a gig, when will being able to talk about this be of any use? If it's just so you can say you have told someone, what's the point?
Good results happen best, when there is something to be gained by both sides, if it's just to make one person feel good with no benefit for the other, it may be to much information,more than she wants to share. Regardless of what you think, the out come will be, remember you put your privacy in the hands of another, that has nothing to lose but your friendship.
Tina B.

Well it's only friend B that I tend to see only at gigs, band practice and parties etc, friend A I will see all the time after the summer. You do raise a good point though, I'm not sure at this point what she would get out of it. Shopping together etc might be a bit too weird for her as I've got an accepting SO already

[Melissa Rose]

I'm going to echo the previous comments and ask what are you and they going to gain from the revelation beside you no longer having to keep it secret? If you do not plan in the immediate future to be around them while completely dressed, why do they have to know? What are you going to do if one of the two friends decides to out you to others? Are you willing to accept the consequences if it happens? Balance their and your SO's comfort level against your need to unburden yourself from your secret. If you are truly bothered by keeping the secret and it is the only reason, do you plan on revealing yourself to others such as family? I'm not saying it is a bad idea, but it seems like you need to do more thinking and soul searching as to your motivations and possible consequences.