Do you tell the kids about dressing?

[a1stephie]

Ok. I know there are a lot of us in happy relationships and with kids we love and adore. Mine are still young, 6 and 3 at present, oldest daughter and younger son. So my question to those of you with kids is, what are you thoughts on telling them about your dressing?

When, if ever, is it the 'right time'? Is there a right time? How does your SO feel about this? Have any of you already done it and what were the consequences?

Personally, I am more likely to tell my daughter when she is older. I can't keep it a secret for ever, plus we are very close and I think she may end up being very supportive of it. My son, well, that's much harder for me to contemplate. I was raised 'boy' and I just don't know what it will do to his world as he grows older if he finds out or I tell him. Of course I would support him if he wanted to dress, 100%, but just do not know how it would maybe change things for him and me. You want to hope for the best, but I don't want to make things hard for him with friends, school etc. as he got older.

Advice needed...

Steph

[Mythic]

I'm young an have no childeren but, I've decided If I'm ever to be with somone for the rest of my life an have kids that they will know all parts of me including crossdressing. I don't want to be with someone who can't accept me. An not telling my kids is the same to me as saying "It's shameful an wrong" I'd rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I'm not. good luck to you. Wish I had this type of experience to give advice.

[max]

Not sure how good this advice is, but there is a book written by a transsexual that mentions the topic of when the best time to tell their children is.
So_You_Want_To_Be_a_T-Girl Chapter 1 (http://www.tgchatroom.com/wiki/index.php/So_You_Want_To_Be_a_T-Girl_%28Chapter_1%29)
Search the link for "Children who find out as youngsters" for the relevant section.

[Joanne f]

I am of slightly two minds with this , I think it is right to bring them up with the type of clothes you like to wear but not completely right about the wearing of wigs and heavy make up in front of them as this in my opinion can confuse them , we go on about educating the general public about cross dressing or the ability to wear any type of clothing so surely that should start at home yet we have this two tiered line of thought where it is wrong to hide it from you wife/SO but it is not wrong to hide it from your children until they are older which in a way is like telling them that there is something wrong with it , I know you say it is to protect them from bullying which I know all about and we have 4 children who have 4 different attitudes to it and me but in the end it is up to the parent to decide what they think is best but if we are to get passed this taboo of cross dressing then this is a major player in that game .

[Katie83]

I have a daughter, she is 4. We all went to a fancy dress (costume) party for new year, i went as Katie. My daughter thought this was funny, but ok as everyone was dressing up in silly outfits. I'm not sure she is old enough to understand that i dress more often, nor do i think it would be fair for her to know something like that.
Regarding telling kids as far as school and friends is concerned, i think there is a greater possibility of girls and her freinds being supportive. With boys and their friends is completely different. I was always bullied and teased at school boys will pick up on anything to bully another boy on, one thing i was picked on about was my parents getting a divorce, so if it was widely known about a father crosddressing this could potentially be a living nightmare for a boy in school.

[Antoinette]

I'm not considering kids anytime soon. But should that time come (if it ever does) I'd definitely let them know. I guess the best time to tell them is when they're old enough to make logical decisions and have a good understanding of the world around them(whatever age that maybe). I honestly couldn't give advice on the subject but I have thought about it. I'd only know for sure when it happens. The younger they are when they know, the more open minded they may be in the future

[Diamond's mom]

I have a seventeen year old who has a very open mind. By being on the internet he's seen a lot of stuff. He is very OK with Lesley Roberta dressing like a female(if she decides to dress). I think it's hard enough to survive in school without adding to the mix. If you wait until there in the age range of 16 to 18 they are a lot more mature and able to make better decisions. I know you might feel as is you are keeping a secret from them but you never know when they are going to tell someone else and that might cause them a lot of trouble from the kids at school. You probably want their school life to go as smooth as possible. Anyway that my two cents worth.

[SweetNikki]

I have 3 girls my oldest one is 21 so i think she would be fine about it . my middle daughter is 19 she is very open minded so no propblem there i feel. My youngest is only 11 & she is a fantastic little girl & me & my SO have decided not to tell the children untill she is very mature to accept it or at least 16 .

The last thing i would want to do is spoil her school days as i would feel guilty if she got made fun of or bullied so thats were we stand at the moment hugs Nikki

[DonniDarkness]

Stephanie,


We have 2 children as well. I do not fully dress in front of either of them. They are ages 10(girl) and 6(boy), My daughter knows about drag, gender expression and acceptance of others who are different (ie, Race/Ethnicity, lifestyle, personal looks). My son is very young and is already making comments about people being them selves

My daughter has formed her own opinion about people who are different. She is very accepting of others and she knows her dad is a little different than the other dads. My everyday attire is a more feminine look than most men, i spend alot of time in the mirror grooming and primping, i have very long hair....the list goes on. So although i do not "Dress" around them they will know their dad for the girly guy he is, because how we carry ourselves as feminine fathers shows our children not to be ashamed of who they are....because thier daddy isnt.
So i do not pretend to hide things, if my daughter asks a question (and at 10 she can ask alot of them) i answer honestly.

My son isnt much different with his curiosity and when he starts to ask questions ill answer them too.

They live with us and are part of our lives. We all teach our children to be smart and intuitive, so its only a matter of time untill they either ask or start to figure things out for themselves.

-Donni-

[juno]

It depends where you live. I think that all children should be exposed to crossdressing, and all forms of LGBT people, from a young age, and taught that these things are a normal part of human diversity. Unfortunately, the world is not an accepting place yet, and there is potential for feelings of teasing and/or shame around non-accepting people. The potential for negative side-effects depends a lot on where you live. If your local schools have LGBT pride events, there may not be much to worry about. If your local school administrators are trying to defend anti-gay statements as religious freedom of speech, you have to be a lot more careful in handling the situation.

[Laura912]

The prospect of bullying must be considered and as many have said, it is not pleasant to be the recipient. Even 65 years later it still smarts and angers. If one child knows, the other will know eventually. Ours are 40 and 39 and do not know. I doubt that I will ever tell them unless there is a behavior in them or the grandchildren that having the knowledge would help them adjust.

[Kate Simmons]

Never had to. The nosy little buggers found my stash on their own. "Mommy, why is there girl stuff in Daddy's closet?" The rest is history.:)

[daviolin]

I have a daughter, she is 4. We all went to a fancy dress (costume) party for new year, i went as Katie. My daughter thought this was funny, but ok as everyone was dressing up in silly outfits. I'm not sure she is old enough to understand that i dress more often, nor do i think it would be fair for her to know something like that.
Regarding telling kids as far as school and friends is concerned, i think there is a greater possibility of girls and her freinds being supportive. With boys and their friends is completely different. I was always bullied and teased at school boys will pick up on anything to bully another boy on, one thing i was picked on about was my parents getting a divorce, so if it was widely known about a father crosddressing this could potentially be a living nightmare for a boy in school.
I agree Katie. I told my children after they were out of school. Also my wife was told at the same time. I wish I would of told here a long time ago. But that nether here nor there. My kids took it very openly. They thought it was cool. I told them I wish I would of told them a long time ago. But they agreed that it was good that I didn't. They might have gotten a different outlook of me. Where now they completly understand me and the desire to dress. Although I haven't dressed for them nor showed them any picture. Someday maybe. Not until they ask. Daviolin

[Nataliebabe]

My wife and I have 2 kids daughter age 7 and a son who will be 5 in 3 weeks. We both agreed that we wouldnt tell them about this side of me. I dont want to burden them with that information. If....if for soem reason we fidn out that my son is a crossdresser somewhere on down the road and we find out about it, he will have our total support. My wife and I agreed that maybe then we would tell at least him about me. I don`t wish the conflict, self doubt and having to hide on anyone especially my son. I have had very little support what so ever until I met my wife 8 years ago. I dont want my son to go through that. But, until that ever happens, those kids dont need to know.

[bridget thronton]

I told mine as they got older and moved out to live on their own

[sissystephanie]

My late wife knew that I was a CD when we married. We agreed not to tell our children when they were young. My wife passed away in 2005, after almost 50 years of marriage. Our 2 children were grown up by that time, and I told them both that I was a crossdresser. The response from both of them was that they didn't care as long as I didn't dress when around them. I have lived with that for several years now, and it has not been a problem.

[darlaj]

Oh HECK no, not me! My kids are all older and still live at home, 21, 19 and 17. My wife just found out and was not happy about my newly emerging fem side, so I am laying low right now. I can't imagine ever being comfortable letting my kids know. That's just how I feel.

[Leila Be]

Hey Steph, Personally, I will never tell them as long as they are children (mine are 7 and 15). I don't think the child's psyche can handle, process or understand the image of their father as a woman, even if they have never seen you dressed as a woman. It takes most people 30-35 years to fully understand their own sexuality and "proclivities". What I take part in now, and accept and enjoy, would have threatened and disgusted me as a young man. The understanding just wasn't there. It took time and I suggest you take a LONG time before you share this with them. Until then, stash your garb well. Lots of love and understanding, Leila

[a1stephie]

This is all excellent advice. Sounds like my hesitations were well-founded and the consensus is that it can do more damage than good at a young age, unless your child is exceptionally strong-willed and open-minded. I really appreciate the advice from those that have been there and done that. Leila Be, I think you are right in what you said about taking 30 odd years to reach a better understanding of things that you might not have at a much younger age. Like you, I think I would have had some major issues with my parents doing this when I was a kid. Like I said, even now, I might find this hard seeing it, but less so knowing it. The last thing I want to do is make trouble for my kids, and as we all know (and many have alluded to here), school can be hell.

I guess the thing that bothers me the most is the level of hypocrisy in encouraging honesty and being open about things in the family, but we can't discuss this...some things I suppose just do 'cross the line' and do more damage than good.

So, I will take onboard your advice. I know there is no hard and fast 'rule book' for how every family handles this, but I do know for a fact my wife is highly opposed to telling them for a long time, if ever, and I will be very wary of it myself, especially with my son. I really have no idea how I would address this until they are at least teenagers or living on their own and have some experience of sexuality under their belts. And on that note then, I probably don't have that much time left before I really need to guard my stash more carefully!

[Sandra]

We told our daughter when she was 14 and is totally supportive of her Dad.

Just remember that if/when you tell, don't expect them to keep your secret it's not fair on them, if you are not going to come out to everyone.

[a1stephie]

Indeed, this is another big part of it that concerns me. One the cat's out of the bag, it's going to run around a bit, which is something I am not really ready for. At all! Some people would be cool with it, but a lot more would not. I suppose that's when you find out who your real friends are, and how supportive family members really are. But a lot of negative reactions would be understandable. Just because it would freak some people out and they would not know how to handle it - does this automatically mean they are 'bad' people? Obviously people here are open-minded, otherwise I doubt we'd be dressing...this is something we've come to terms with in ourselves over many years. So if friends and family found out, I would have to accept a high ratio of loss, with the hope they would deal with it in time.

That's nice your daughter took it well. Seems it goes better with the girls.

[Foxglove]

I An not telling my kids is the same to me as saying "It's shameful an wrong"




I guess the thing that bothers me the most is the level of hypocrisy in encouraging honesty and being open about things in the family, but we can't discuss this...some things I suppose just do 'cross the line' and do more damage than good.



Hi, Stephie! I just wanted to say that I don't agree with the two statements above. If you don't tell young children something, it doesn't necessarily mean that thing is shameful, nor does it mean you're being hypocritical for not being open when you believe in openness. I think there are certain things you don't tell young children simply because they're not old enough to deal with it. It's one decision you have to make as a parent: when will the kids be ready to deal with a certain issue? My philosophy of parenting is, you just do the best you can. Think hard, be as honest as you can be, and when you make mistakes (as inevitably you will) don't beat yourself up over it, because being a parent isn't easy.

By the way, I just came out to my son last week. He's 26, took it very well. But even given his age, I wasn't sure I was doing the right thing by telling him. I thought I had good reasons to do so, but I could have been mistaken. It's almost impossible to be really sure about these things. Just do the best you can.

Best wishes, Annabelle

[a1stephie]

Granted, 'hypocrisy' was perhaps too strong a word. Of course we can't tell them everything in life yet and naturally I shield them from things that are too mature. Mainly I wanted to see how others have dealt with this issue, what age they did so, and what the reactions were. But it will bother me on and off about hiding it from them and taking measures not to get caught. It's kind of a big secret, you know. Only time will tell how it will play out.

[Foxglove]

But it will bother me on and off about hiding it from them and taking measures not to get caught. It's kind of a big secret, you know.

I know exactly what you're saying, and that's the main reason I finally decided to come out to my son: the secret had become too much of a burden, and I never really liked keeping a secret from him anyway.

At the end of the day, Stephie, it'll always be your call. Nobody knows your kids better than you do, nobody knows their needs, your needs or your family circumstances like you do, so it'll always be your call. Sad to say, there's no set formulas for dealing with issues like this.

Annabelle

[a1stephie]

So true, so true. But the advice helps. No one person can tell you what is 'right or wrong' as there is no rule book for raising children, as you have rightly said. However, with something so sensitive as this, and not really having anyone close to me in the immediate sense to bounce this off, I wanted to get some feedback on it. It's tough, you want to share everything with them, but you can't with some things until the time is right. I hated hiding it from my wife and it was extremely liberating to come out to her. Glad you had the same experience with your son, in terms of getting that burden off your chest and that he took it so well.

[Makina]

I told my daughter at 3. Didn't expect her to keep any secret. I told her usually men didn't wear dresses, but I like do do it and it is my choice. She is now 4 and the only consequence of this was that she dares wearing Flash Mc Queen shoes, because it is her choice.

[Eryn]

The bottom line is that if you tell your young children you will definitely be outed. Expecting them to keep your secret is unrealistic and emphasizing the need to keep the secret will make your CDing seem that much less acceptable..

I have two daughters, both in college. I've considered telling them, but as I see it now the cost-benefit ratio to them doesn't pencil out. The only benefit to them would be resolution of some minor questions they might have about their Dad's behavior. The downside is the burden of being careful not to expose the secret to their friends and boyfriends.

Now, my daughters, like most of their generation are enlightened and tolerant individuals. However, being enlightened is much easer if the TG person is a friend or acquaintance than it is if the TG person is a close relative.

My idealized dream is that my daughters would embrace and enjoy my CDing, but the reality is that they might not be happy finding a TG person so close to home. I want them to be happy so it is prudent for me to keep my mouth shut.

[Nikki A.]

My kids are 20 & 22 (boy is the older). The last two years were easy for me in that they were both away at school and I could dress and go out whenever I wanted. My wife knew (she died about 5 yrs ago) and she didn't want me to say anything to them. My son just graduated and got a job near home & is living at home again. They both know I wear what I like but other than some shoes (mostly clogs or such) nothing overtly fem in male mode. I think my daughter has suspicions and I know it's only a matter of time till I tell them.

[Phoebe]

Yes and they were over thirty years old. Three boys and has been fifteen years since they have spoken to me or fail to answer letters, emails and voice mail I leave them. In fact the oldest boy married about ten years ago ( I didn't know he married!) and changed his last name to the family name of his wife when they married.

[max]

Yes and they were over thirty years old. Three boys and has been fifteen years since they have spoken to me or fail to answer letters, emails and voice mail I leave them. In fact the oldest boy married about ten years ago ( I didn't know he married!) and changed his last name to the family name of his wife when they married.

Oh my gosh Janet that is tragic! I'm so sorry hun. I can't wrap my mind around what would cause your children to do something like this.

[Marcia Blue]

I will chime in on this topic. Two of my sons, were told at 21 and 25. The oldest still is in the dark, I believe. My wife, whose female intuition, is better than mine, says not to tell the oldest.

I would have never told them, till they were ready. Life for young people can be hard enough, with out the added burden of such an unusual father. I think waiting till they are older is a good game plan. I order to keep the young children in the dark. You really need to keep your things, well hidden. They can draw conclusions at a very young age.

Both boys have not changed in their attitude toward me. The middle son, and his GF have gone out with me dressed. The youngest is also CD/TG. I told him, to let him know, he is not alone in this character trait. The youngest is not ready to see me dressed yet. I find the youngest son's apprehension puzzling, but I have not had a chance discuss this with him.

[Amy R Lynn]

I seeriously have to chime in here. I feel that I am in a unique position. And honestly, I have no idea how to proceed. I am a single father of two boys (ages 6 and 8). Their mother moved to the other side of the states, and doesn't visit but once a year (She calls about every other week to speak with them.) She is a WHOLE other story that I could go on about for a while.

I'm haaving a horribly hard time with CD and being the sole parent for my boys. I want them to think of me as the man they know. But I hate that I have to hide Amy from them. It limits my time that I can express my feminine side, and I would melt to a puddle if they found me either dressed up or found my stash. I don't think telling them about Amy would be a good idea for them. I do try and encourage them to understand that there are all kinds of differet people in this world, and that they need to be open minded. I hope that by instilling this in them as children they won't resent me if and when they find out about Amy.

I don't know if I can keep her hidden from them for long though. And I have no idea what will happen if they find out. This is one part of the battle that is going on inside of me.

Steph,
I would certainly wait as long as you can to let you kids in on this. I believe that if we raise them to be open minded and not to judge others that they will be ok when they are old enough to know. But then again, I'm struggling with this myself.
~Amy Lynn

[Jacqueline Winona]

I'm with Eryn. Unless you're going out where you might interact with the kids or where their friends would recognize you, there's no reason IMO to tell. If you feel that you need to tell them so they know the whole you, I could understand. But you're asking when to tell, and not how to tell them, so I'd wait for now.

[danielletorresani]

Me personally, I would never share this side of me with my children. It's just not something I'd want my family to know about.

[gender_blender]

I prevent the issue by not having children in the first place.

[Bree Wagner]

So my question to those of you with kids is, what are you thoughts on telling them about your dressing?

When, if ever, is it the 'right time'? Is there a right time? How does your SO feel about this? Have any of you already done it and what were the consequences?

I guess the thing that bothers me the most is the level of hypocrisy in encouraging honesty and being open about things in the family, but we can't discuss this...some things I suppose just do 'cross the line' and do more damage than good.

And on that note then, I probably don't have that much time left before I really need to guard my stash more carefully!

Steph,

I'm in a potentially similar situation, so I'll add my two cents. I've got a daughter that is almost 4 and another daughter on the way.

I think the general answer to all the questions is "It depends." You're the one who knows your kids and your situation the best. Your judgement will almost certainly be better than ours on what the right course of action is. That said, hearing stories from others can certainly prepare you better for the time when/if you do tell them. Lots of good stuff in this thread and others on this board.

Personally, I don't want to tell until they're old enough to understand AND there's another compelling reason to do so. I'm not yet sure what that reason may be yet. My wife agrees with me on this. If we ever get to the point where we're telling I'm sure we'll discuss it beforehand and probably tell the story together.

I also struggle with the challenge of encouraging honesty and openness while hiding something. I wrote a bit about it in this thread: Cute Kid Story (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?171629-Trying-not-to-lie-Cute-Kid-Story&highlight=) It's absolutely amazing how perceptive young kids are. Becasue of that I fear a discussion about daddy's stuff may come far sooner than I'd ever want to have it. So, guard your stash carefully if you can, but it may be found!

Good luck!

-Bree

[Eryn]

I prevent the issue by not having children in the first place.

I am very glad that I did not follow this philosophy. To do so would have denied the world two creative, loving, and wonderful people.

Of course, many of us underestimate the perceptiveness of our children. I have no doubt that my daughters know that something is different about their Dad, but the extent of the difference might be surprising to them. Or, it might not.

[a1stephie]

Agreed, each to their own of course, but I would never, ever, go back on having my kids. They are without a shadow of doubt, the best thing that has happened in my life. And I have had a very good life! So that philosophy would not work for me.

Everyone here has rightly had their take on this subject. Some of you have told, others not, and those that did with mixed results. Mostly positive I'm pleased to see. The only conclusion, if we must make one, is that there is no rule, no time no way to do it. Some of you have expressed an urge not to do it, or to have a compelling enough reason to do it, due to the risks involved. Again, I will say, my main desire to tell them one day, is simply because I do not feel good hiding things from people. I never have done, in anything in my life really, apart from a total lack of desire to tell my parents. But with my kids, I just don't want a potential shock-horror discovery to happen by accident (as happened with my wife the first time I was discovered). We've discussed the pros and cons to it, but that's where I'm coming from. Not saying I'm going to do it tomorrow, just feeling things out for the how, when and if.

[Thera Home]

Hello Ladies
This subject really hits home with me. I have 3 children and very young. I do not agree on sharing this information with them since theyre still young and thier little minds are developing. Something like this must be only shared after theyve already expierenced life.(mid 20s and beyond) if even to be shared at all. This is a gift or mystery that I solely believe belongs only between a man and his spouse. This is something shared between them only. If discovered by the child it must be handled with kids gloves as to prevent mind games and anxiety in thier lives. Some things must remain a mystery. Does GOD tells us everything,no beacuse our minds just wouldn't be able to handle it. Only after expierencing life will things be revealed.

just my two cents worth

Thera