Confused - need support

[GemmaB]

I'm so confused with my gender identity! I guess there are two sides to this - how things are when I'm in 'male' mode and how things are when I'm dressed en femme.

Starting with my male side - this is getting increasingly feminised. Recently I have been growing my hair out (asked stylist to make more femme), wearing subtle makeup and wearing female clothes where possible. When I do wear the clothes it is just jeans, unisex shoes and maybe a skinny top.

On top of this, I do like to get totally dressed up when possibe, and today was the first day I left the house (went for a drive and a short walk) wearing forms, a femme top and heels. I was pretty much as femme as I could be, to the point where I think people were quite uncertain about my sex upon approach (though I'm sure up close it would be obvious).

My concern is - where this is going? I do not have any 'trapped' feelings regarding my male body, but having said that I do seem to be feminising myself quite a bit!
I'm starting to think that instead of having a male side and a female side to me, I just have the one side and it lies somewhere in the middle of male and female. So, maybe this is just me trying to reach some sort of equilibrium having lived 100% male up until now, but my concern is if this is just a stepping stone leading on to more. I do not think I would be happy were I to live as a woman, but at the same time I'm not sure where this feminising will end.

On a related note, I recently spent a few days with my parents and two sisters. I have been wanting to tell them about my transgender feelings for some time now but can't find the right way / time. Just to add to my confusion - when I was with them I didn't have any strong desires to present en femme (though I still enjoyed styling my hair and wearing femme jeans).. and this made me question how strong my feelings actually are and whether I should tell them at all. I guess this was maybe just a more 'male' phase I was going through, or maybe that around my family I am embarassed by my female side and so push it aside..

I'm not sure what sort of support I'm looking for with this, I think writing it down and sharing has helped though. Though if anyone else can relate to any of this then I'd love to hear from you.

Thank you for reading,

Gemma

[outhiking]

Your journey sounds familiar to many of us and it can be a bit scary at first. Try to find what you want, regardless of gender identity and enjoy the ride. Sometimes, especially if you feely suddenly free to express, you can get caught up in the pink fog, but no worries. It's not like your are turning into a zombie or anything. There is not "better" gender, there's only you and you are fortunate enough to enjoy some of both genders.

[Cherry Lynn]

Gemma, I can relate as I am doing the same things as you. I underdress everyday and wear womens jeans to work. I have pierced ears and wear diamond studs. Like you I do not know where this is going but am enjoying every minute of it. Best wishes.

[Eryn]

Gemma, you're in the same spot as many of us. Some do "compartmentalize" our male and female sides but many of us use those terms simply as a convenient way to discuss the two facets of one "self." Society demands, to varying extents, that we conform to one gender or the other. In a work environment I'm pretty much forced to be definitely male. At other times I can blur the line a bit and tend to wear things like Capris and shirts in colors other than black, blue, and brown. In order to wear the dresses and makeup I like for special occasions I feel more comfortable presenting as completely female.

Each person has their own way of dealing with this and you shouldn't feel bad just because your way is different. Once you've broken out of the box you can define your own path! Answers you don't figure out today will come to you soon, so enjoy the journey.

[Nikki A.]

Other than growing my hair, I could have written the same thing. I'm also not sure where this will all end up, but at least I'm coming to an age where my responsibilities to others are ending and I hopefully will come to an equilibrium or a resolution.

[Janelle_C]

I know what you are feeling. I started therapy and was running down what seemed like this road to becoming more and more feminine and them I got a little scared of what the next step might be and slowed way down. It's very confusing and I started to try and figure out everything, if it was male or female it was driving me crazy. Talking with my therapist helped, feeling and things we do are just that they are not male or female just things we feel or do. It's a long journey that at least for me I have no idea where it will lead me yet. I've always wanted to be a women but I don't know that I always felt that I'm a women in a mans body. Like you I've pierced my ears, let my hair grow and carry a bag. I'm not miserable when in drab, but I would rather be wearing something more feminine. Try not to over think everything.
Janelle

[Kate Simmons]

A lot depends on who you are inside, how you are going to express that and what you intend to do. Being true to yourself and your feelings is one of the hardest things in the world to do. Like Nikki I'm at the point in my life where how I proceed is totally my choice and I'm not responsible for anyone else. What has been happening is that the journey for myself has adjusted to a feminine direction along with my role.:)

[Sandra1746]

Where it is going is partly where you allow yourself to follow. Expressing a new side of your personality is like meeting a new friend. You can't tell how the relationship will proceed until you have been down the path. Having a male / female blended personality is not unusual, it is one aspect of being transgender.

My advice (freely given and worth every penny) is to read about gender identity issues, starting with the definitions on Wikipedia for Transgender and the Benjamin Scale. Then on to some of the other clinical topics (e.g. WPATH). This forum is also good but you should look outside here as well.

It is a journey of discovery and it can be very informative, and also rewarding. I decided that I can best self-identify as transgender, where you find yourself; only time will tell.

Good luck,
Sandra1746

[GemmaB]

Many thanks for all your helpful support and advice everyone, I'm feeling better now :)

I do have a tendency to over-think things so I should not worry about pigeon holing myself and just try to enjoy things!

[Tina B.]

Not sure of your age, but I was in my mid to late thirty's, before I ever started to get a handle on how I felt about all of this. In my day there was not much reading material to help. Now it's all out there, you can spend years reading it all. But most of it is so general, because we are all so different in our needs, and wants, you have to find for yourself, where you fit in.
I don't feel like a woman trapped in a mans body either, but I do feel like a man trapped in a womens closet sometimes. It's like traveling without a map, or directions, you won't know where you are going, until you get there. As I've aged, and hormone levels decrees, I have seen my need to dress grow a lot. That an being retired I have a lot more opportunity. It's one of those things you can spend a life time fighting, or you can learn to accept it as just part of who you are, quit fighting it and have fun with it, but either way, it will be with you for life.
As for telling the family, who benefits from that besides you, does dad really want to know?
We have a cartoon hero over here, he has a saying that fits people like us, it goes something like this " I yam what I yam, and that's all that I am. IPopeye, the Sailor man". Well, I'm a what I yam, and that's all that I yam, I'm Tina the Cross Dresser, and that's all that I yam. After all it could be worse, I could have been a bully instead. Learn to love yourself, you will know you the rest of your life, so you might as well be friends!
Tina B.

[Ravin_nightshade]

I think it is really important to find who you are and be that person in both forms oviously there are factors that hold us back. But what I'm getting at is you need to be you rather in drab or dresses. I know easier said then done but you can constantly be working towards it. If the girly side of you shows through who cares. You can't get hung up on what other people think. You make your life have meaning and no one can take that from you.

[Sarah Doepner]

Gemma,

You are young and it is difficult to get a handle on life in your 20's even without the complications of gender. It is easy to say "be patient" and see where this takes you, but it is very hard to accept that advice. The "pink fog" can be a very demanding mistress. I agree as others have suggested, to see where you find the most comfort in your presentation. But remember that those little tiny steps you take on a day to day basis, add up to massive changes to those who only see you occasionally. Be prepared for when your family is surprised by or feel the need to talk about the accumulated change.

Sarah

[SANDRA MICHELLE]

It sounds like you are free to do whatever you want to with your life. To be 25 and single knowing what I know now would be pretty awesome. Do what ever feels right for you and have a great life, don't let anything hold you back. This is not meant to give you the thought that you can "throw caution to the wind", it is only meant to say it's OK to do what you want with your life.

[Thera Home]

My dear Gemma
This feeling that you speak about I also expierence and have decided to call a gift with great responsibility. I was designed and born a man by design by a great wisdom and power from above. I enjoy the euphoria that this gift or mystery provides me but to say that I'd want to be a woman would be ridiculous and saying that Im smarter(what a joke) than the ONE who created me would be blasphemous (IN MY OPINION). He's given me a gift and as with any gift you must use it wisely. Thats where free will comes in. Enjoy the euphoria that comes with it but when it becomes overwhelming, grab it by the neck and set it at your feet where it belongs. It's there to serve you and you not it.

Thera

[GemmaB]

Just wanted to say thanks for all the lovely help. I really feel a lot better about myself and don't mind that I'm letting my girly side through a bit: this is simply who I am! :)

Gemma x

[Curelle05]

Gemma,
I have recently begun to explore the expression of my feminine side. I, too, am concerned about “where this is going.” I, too, do not feel trapped in my body. I have spent some time attempting to find the cause, cure, and everything in between of my condition (I use the word “condition” tersely, please take no offense). With every new thing that I read, the consensus seems to be that each road traveled is unique and the destination is not always clear. The consensus also appears to be that every road traveled will be full difficult and life altering choices (sort of like life itself). As I consider my journey just starting, I cannot offer much advice. The only solace that I can give to you is that you are not alone. I, too, am facing the same struggles.
C-