Simply Joslyn
06-09-2012, 09:13 PM
Well this may be a bit misplaced as it doesn't exactly have everthing to do with being trans, but it does near the end so all bear with me please. It appears its that time of yeah again, my birthday comes along this weekend and I decided to look back on how much I've learned this year. I'll start at the end of my birthday last year, funny thing I didn't even remember it till somebody told me that day. I was in automotive school at that time, UTI for those familiar. I had wendys for my birthday, first time away from the family, kinda poor on the celebration scale. I spent my night working alone at sears that night, so it wasn't the greatest by far, I think I actually cried a bit that night, pretty pathetic right. At the end of the weak I had my first major car accident, my s10 blazer had blown the transmission so I had to sell my baby, loved that little wagon. My parents had bought me a 95 ford taurus, light blue granny mobile in my opinion, but that day I had set it all up, two nice subs in the back and I had set up two head units up front, one a cd one a tape player, custom niceness to say the least. Well that night heading home with my friend and coworker in tail, it was raining, came up to the turn to get on the highway, I went to apply my brakes and they didn't go, I tried to turn her for a ditch, and she wouldn't turn, I ended up going into the back of a volkwagen toureg at about 50. I ended up breaking my pinky, which I never let heal because I wouldn't be doing light duty work, I still have pain but its calmed considerably. Later I ended up leaving my job, a very poor decision, but I wasn't thinking clearly, my roomate had recently quite his job and stupid me got jealous he got to sit around all the time. I never found a replacement. I eventually moved from my apartment in West Chester to one in Pheonixville. At this point I had a new s10 blazer, poor replacement for my first one but hey it ran, atleast for awhile. One night returning from my home in jersey, the back tire blew out and I didn't have a spair, I spent the night in 30 degree weather on the side of route 100, eating a frozen lasagna. The next day I had the thing towed to my apartment, but had no money for a new tire so it sat, I received a notice from the apartment complex that if it wasn't moved it would be towed, so I moved it to a side street, a few weeks later the police towed it and I never saw it again. Around this time things really started to put a toll on me, I couldn't find a job, and therefor couldn't pay for the apartment. My roomates mom ended up paying for the apartment, but after awhile she sadi she was going to be speaking to my parents. Now my mind was already taxed and I was deathly afraid my parents would simply abandon me, and that would be it. I couldn't think clearly and became deeply depressed, in this state of mind I made a poor decision. I decided to make a run for it, I left most of my stuff behind, and began to hitchhike. My destination, Vegas. The first day was difficult couldn't find a ride and ended up traveling backroads. I spent the first night in a ticket booth at an abandoned campground. the next few days we're interesting, I met many nice people including a trucker who bought me nearly a 100 dollars in camping equipment and got me all set up, also gave me 50 dollars, I wish him the greatest in life, he really helped me out. I ended up in southern virginia later that week. I tried sleeping behind a hotel and had a close encounter with a mountain lion, I also met a girl who picked me up in the middle of the rain, and nearly instantly fell in love, she was beautiful, kind, and a very good christian too boot, my only regret was I forgot to ask her name. It was about two days later, that I decided to turn on my phone and check the time, I had recieved my messages from my parents that they were very worried, and I gave in and called them. They wanted me to come back, even though I wished to continue on, eventually I felt bad and gave into they're wishes. Almost immediately my heart sank, I hadn't realized it, but the freedom I had was actually making me happy and lively, thoughts came to my head that I could finally start a life I could live with. Upon arriving home, I felt empty once more, I was lost and didn't know what was missing. It had been nearly a year since I had cross-dressed, and I started once more once I returned home. It was reliving like meeting and old friend, and so in order to release my mind and talk to more people, I decided to hit the web, and stumbled upon this site. I was intrigued to find so many like minded people, but they're was still something off. So I began to read more and more, and it came to my surprise, that many of the thoughts I had constantly locked in my head where that of the trans-gender variety. I began to look back on my life in a new perspective, no longer did my thoughts all throughout school of wanting to be those girls and not wanting to simply have sex with them make sense, the strong desire I held for those clothes and all that they do no longer seemed like something to be hidden and rotting away at the corners of my mind. No such thoughts of me being transgender had occupied my mind before, I simply thought I was a very devout cross-dresser maybe on the border line of obsession, but upon listening to the writings of others I began to understand my self. Now I realized I wasn't alone and this calmed my heart. I decided that I had the possibility of transitioning, which I had pushed to the side because I believed I was too tall, but it all made me realized that I couldn't hide anymore and if there was a way to live a happier more complete life my height wasn't going to stand in the way. I experienced my first outing in New York City, recently and it comfirmed something for me, I could live like that, I felt alive, I felt how can I say, comfortable with myself like I've never been able to. It was one of the happiest days of my life, not even having my tires slashed that night could damage my spirit. And actually it was a blessing in disquise, before I left I had my clothes all throughout the house, my family was in Maine for the week so I felt safe. They came home the day after the tires were slashed, and discovered all the clothes, at first they thought I might have had a girlfriend over, but I felt it was time I needed to tell them the truth. When asked by my father who I had over I said noone, so he began to ask questions, the first relevant one being if I liked to wear womens clothes occasionally, I told him it was a bit more than that, so he asked if I was gay, I told him no, so he asked if I wished to be a woman, and I told him it wasn't so much a wish as it was a feeling of uncomfortableness as myself. He asked a few more questions, but that was the essential one, I also told him that now I would like to start seeing a therapist. Its been a few weeks but I will soon be scheduling my first apointment, and will hopefully begin HRT. I plan to move to NYC so I can begin going full time.
In closing I will say I've made alot of poor choices this year, but now that I understand who I am and who I want to be, I've begun to fix things, I feel like I have an actual reason to live now, and a reason to move forward. I would thank all of you and all the members on this site, for welcoming me and helping me beyond anything you could understand. I'm sure if I hadn't begun to talk to all of you I probably would have ended up drinking my self to death the day I turned 21, if not before. Its pretty taxing to have thoughts in your head that make you fight yourself everyday as well as having poor luck and no vent for either. I hope I didn't waste to much of your time, but I would just again like to thank you all from the bottom of my heart, and wish you all the best of the rest of the year, and a beautiful summer.
In closing I will say I've made alot of poor choices this year, but now that I understand who I am and who I want to be, I've begun to fix things, I feel like I have an actual reason to live now, and a reason to move forward. I would thank all of you and all the members on this site, for welcoming me and helping me beyond anything you could understand. I'm sure if I hadn't begun to talk to all of you I probably would have ended up drinking my self to death the day I turned 21, if not before. Its pretty taxing to have thoughts in your head that make you fight yourself everyday as well as having poor luck and no vent for either. I hope I didn't waste to much of your time, but I would just again like to thank you all from the bottom of my heart, and wish you all the best of the rest of the year, and a beautiful summer.