Oh, hey there awkwardness!

[whowhatwhen]

Can of worms: Opened

I've told my mom about my intention to get my ears pierced.
I so regret that now, the word "disappointed" hurts a lot more than I thought it would.

There is this horrible feeling that things are going to get worse and more awkward.
My worst fear is actually happening.

****

[outhiking]

Deep breath. Lot's of guys have thier ears pierced, it's pretty common. Maybe she'll come round.

[janet54]

Whowhatwhen. Lots of us have pierced ears not just cd's men too .Now a days it is no big deal.

[whowhatwhen]

I realize that, the problem is that for now I'm stuck living here until my situation improves and things are only going to get more awkward from here on out.

[busker]

You were telling her of your INTENTIONS--you weren't asking for permission so if she is "disappointed" well, that sometimes happens. We can't always be what our parents WANT us to be. we do have a LIFE OF OUR OWN! They will get over this, and as already mentioned, this has nothing to do necessarily with being a CD. There isn't anything about this that requires women's ownership. Men have worm earrings throughout history and fashion things come and go. We need to separate out those things where there is strictly a woman's use only , and those things that can be adapted to either sex.

[whowhatwhen]

I know I don't need their permission.
But it sets a tone, they will know something is up and it seems like I'm going to be forced to come out soon enough.

How I want to look doesn't match with how I actually look, and as this changes things are just going to be more and more awkward.

[Mythic]

When I got my ear pierced my aunt thought I was gay. Cause she's a country person an I'm from the city an see dudes with pierced ears all the time.

[Laura912]

You could decide not to do it but if you do, wear the very tiny ones around your mom. Once she sees them she most likely will adjust because you will still be you. Dn't worry about the worms...they will crawl off someplace. :)

[whowhatwhen]

Yeah.
This is part of my worst fault, I always put other's superficial expectations before my own body image and as you can imagine it causes a lot of stress.

The problem with my mom is that it's plainly obvious she's depressed, yet won't seek help.
Thus, I feel like it would be selfish to add more pain for her.

On the other hand, my therapist and I discussed that I need to start owning my own body and making these steps to figure myself out.
I have this horrible feeling that I'll chicken out and not do anything.

:(

[janet54]

Honey. Your therapist is right you do own your own body. But you do what feels right for you. I wish you all the best.

[Stephanie47]

Even if you have your own place and get your ears pierced, your mom is going to see the holes. What then? You're not going to ignore her? I can understand not causing her unnecessary angst. However, it is your body. I am assuming if you did get your ears pierced, you are going to wear obviously feminine earrings and not little studs. Frankly, I've found some women place themselves on the pity pot so they can control people. You can get your ears pierced and just do not wear any earrings around her. Or wear fashionable studs for males. You made the statement "they' will know something is up." It's a big leap for somebody to go from wearing earrings/studs and sitting down for dinner in a dress and heels. The usage of the pronoun 'they' suggests to me there is more than mom in the household. If I am correct, what's your perception of the others, if they find out about your cross dressing desires???

[janet54]

I did reply to this post but Stephanie you hit the nail right on the head. So well put.

[Rebecca Star]

my therapist and I discussed that I need to start owning my own body and making these steps to figure myself out.
I have this horrible feeling that I'll chicken out and not do anything. :(

I was seeing a therapist not that long ago, why?
Because I wanted change some personal beliefs affecting me, I didn't know how to do that, so I sought professional help.

IDK the motivation behind you decision to see a therapist. It doesn't really matter. What does matter is how you feel about yourself. There is no escaping you. To me, from what you've said above, sound like your support here is swtiched on and has your best interests at heart.

It would be a pity if you chicken out. Every little step no matter what is always going to be a victory for you. And sometimes we just need to take a deep breath and follow through, even if it seems scary.


hugs

Rebecca

[Shananigans]

My mom was "disappointed" when I got my bellybutton pierced. Parents are supposed to be disappointed at sh*t like that.

I really found this quote from you to be interesting, "I always put others' superficial expectations before my own body image."

There is a fundamental you that transcends body image and outward projection. I would nurture finding this nature of myself first, and then get back to body image. Inevitably, if you are growing as a person, the people around you are going to see this change. I think a lot of stress comes from uncertainty of what is to come and if you are currently doing the right things to prepare for what is to come. I would really know myself, who I am, and what I need to do VERY well before I would move to adjusting my outward appearance. The very fundamentals of what makes you who you are cannot really be taken away or by anyone. I have found that this reduces a lot of stress in my life and helps me enjoy RIGHT NOW...instead of worrying about what is to come.

I made pretty radical life decisions this past year that had my family very concerned. I was at my most stressful points when I was really just uncertain of who the Hell I am and what I am supposed to do with this gift. (Just the gift of existing). It seemed like a lot of things were beyond my control and that my family just could not understand what I was thinking. I pretty much had to sit down and have a very long talk with myself. But, I swear to you...once I just had glimmer of who I was and what I found to be truly important in life...it was like I was unstoppable. My family had been EXTREMELY nervous. But, once I was able to explain what the Hell I was doing to myself and truly know it...I was able to tell my family. I realized that they were so obstinate in my life changes, because they did not want me making hasty decisions. I didn't know how to convey to them why I was doing it, because I did not know myself. Once I really figured out what the Hell was going on with me, what I believed, and how I wanted to use my time here...I was able to explain it to them calmly and logically. And, after I had explained it to them...they also knew I was making the right decisions. I think our families have funny ways of looking out for us. But, we often aren't sure how to explain what we are doing to them because we haven't been truly honest with ourselves.

So, my long drawn out point (if you are still reading)...is to worry about body image last for yourself and for your mom. Go have a long, hard talk with yourself and actually listen to yourself. Be honest with yourself. And, maybe come back to meet again with yourself over the next few weeks. THEN, have a long, hard talk with your mom. And, once you have finally figured out the fundamentals...you can proceed to much less important things (like body image). The fundamentals have to come first.

That's just my advice and what helped me when dealing with myself and everyone else as I flipped my life completely around. I don't say that it's the ultimate answer to all of you problems in life, but I don't think it could hurt. And, I really do hope that it helps you as much as it helped me. But, you can also just tell me where to shove it and that you have found your own way of dealing with things. That's fine too. ;) But, I wish you the best with your family and your upcoming decisions.

[RainyNightGirl]

Oh Moms always have this special ability to push their children's buttons and express 'oh disappointment', but they also forgive easily too......

[Barbara Ella]

Like Shananigan said, Parent's job is to be disappointed. Just remember, she is not disappointed in you. She is only disappointed in that her image of your ears do not include a piercing. This is not against you, but against her ability to adapt, which is only normal.

She will adapt. If you do not do what your heart wants and needs, you will not adapt, and by eternally hurt, and may begin to harbor resentments against those who are disappointed. Don't disappoint yourself.

Barbara

[Karren H]

time to cut the cord and not naive a damn what anyone thinks including dear mother??

[whowhatwhen]

time to cut the cord and not naive a damn what anyone thinks including dear mother??

Cute.
Except I have to make that decision to live in awkwardness until my life is in order enough to move out.

There is no cord to be cut, I just feel bad for all she is going through.

Edit:
I didn't think having empathy (even maybe misplaced) was being clingy.

[My Lady Marsea]

Just wait until you like start hearing the word "Uncomfortable", as in "You make me/us uncomfortable". It's used quite often by those who you thought were friends and/or family. Their way of so totally asking you not to come around as that other person. .

[MichelleGirl]

Pierce them :), I am heavily tattooed, my choice, the fam finally accepted the tats, BE an INDIVIDUAL,, im a rebel, i do what i want :P

[Laura912]

If I may add more especially concerning the depression. Perhaps you realize that true depression, not just the blues, is a central nervous system disorder which is fortunately more treatable now than 20 years ago. There are varying severities but if an individual will not get help, relief will not happen. Getting treatment for someone depressed is difficult because the disease prevents them from getting the treatment and around in the circle they go. Also, those who are depressed will fixate on things or subjects. She may "fixate" on your ear piercing but it is not the piercing that is the problem. It is her depression. Regardless of what you do, pierced or not, the depression will still be there so you need to take care of yourself. Then the next thing is get her to treatment.

[whowhatwhen]

Okay :)
So I'm definitely going to do it once I find the right tattoo shop to get it done at.

[My Lady Marsea]

Don't go to some tattoo shop. I did my first there and paid a fortune as well as they like used these "needles" they passed through my ears. I so totally didn't know about Claires then. My second piercing I went there and it took like 5 minutes or less from start to finish, no pain no drama, and the price included the "starters". .

[ReineD]

Well, if it's worth anything ...

My ex was adamantly against tattoos. Probably as much as your mom is against pierced ears. My oldest son wanted one in the worst way and he eventually got it done (he was 18). Still, he was afraid to show his dad. He showed me, I thought it was great, and I promised him that his dad would get used to it eventually as well. Sure enough, he did.

Whowhatwhen, honestly, the larger issue down the road won't be about the pierced ears, but about your gender identity whether you eventually decide you are TS and plan to transition, or decide you will toe the middle line and go out dressed on a regular basis. If you ever get to that point with your mom, you can suggest she join here or maybe find forums for parents of TGs (I use this term in the broad sense), if there are such places.

[whowhatwhen]

I really do appreciate everyone's insightful and helpful posts.
:)

Shananigans:
I've already had that discussion with myself, we became deadlocked so I had to bring in a 3rd party. (therapist)
:)

Marsea:
I've heard it both ways, but at a glance Claire's is a lot cheaper.
Decisions...

[Shananigans]

Cute.
Except I have to make that decision to live in awkwardness until my life is in order enough to move out.

There is no cord to be cut, I just feel bad for all she is going through.

Edit:
I didn't think having empathy (even maybe misplaced) was being clingy.

It's totally not. Parents can pull on your heartstrings way more than they think that they can. I agree with Reine that the bigger here isn't the pierced ears... So, if you feel like you have had your Self Conversation and you are all sorted out, I would just talk to your mom.

My mother knows everything about me before I tell her anyway...she's a f*cking magician, I swear to God.

[ReineD]

My mother knows everything about me before I tell her anyway...she's a f*cking magician, I swear to God.

LOL LOL LOL

Your kids will say the same about you! :hugs:

[whowhatwhen]

They're done!
The only awkward part was having to listen to all the passive-aggressive-I-don't-approve "mom stuff".

I paid the extra money and went to a reputable tattoo place to get it done, and I'm glad I did since they mentioned that I should get permission from my doctor since I'm on immune suppressants.
So, the doc said it was okay and after a minor hitch** I was done :)

** I almost fainted, but the piercer was soooo nice. He gave me orange juice.
:)

Total cost: $70 (Including aftercare solution thingy)
Worth it: Definitely

[Xrys]

I understand completely. I am 27 and had to move back in with my mom almost 6 years ago and have been trying to get back on my feet since. I am once again without a job. I havent told my mother about being TS. I have only accepted it myself only a few weeks ago. She knows I want to see a therapist for depression. She knows I shave my body because I dont like looking like a Wookie. She knows I am growing out my hair again. But I just cant bring myself to tell her yet. I just cant find the nerve to tell my pentocostal, bible thumping, preacher's wife of a mother that is a few years I will be her daughter. I know I have to at some point. But how can I tell her when I know it will break her heart. I am her only child, all my other sibs are from my father's previous mariages. How can I tell her that she will never have grandchildren from me? I want to tell her so badly because i know that once I do the awkwardness will be over, but I cant tell her til I'm back on my feet. I cant tell her until I can pull my own weight. I must endure the awkwardness until then. May we both find the strength and courage to endure this awkwardness until we find the means to break free from our situations.

In the desert, a catus must first endure the harshness of the monsoon storms before it has the water needed to blosom and bloom. Growing up in the Arizona Desert has taught me many things. The summer here is hot and dry. As summer is ending we wnter the monsoon season. In the desert, it doesn't rain, it always pours. Storms begin with a massive dust storm and heavy winds. This is folowed by torential rain and masive thunder storms. This causes many fires out in the forest aereas. Since the land is so dry and the rain falls faster than it can be absorbed, there is often flash floding in the rural aereas. But after the monsoons have passed, the desert comes alive in spring. All the cacti begin to bloom with magnificant flowers. New little plants sprout up and replace the ones that dried up before them. The dry old deserty from summer becomes a dazeling aray of beauty and wonder. I find the strength to last through the storms in my life because I know that the beauty of spring is just around the corner.

Stay strong, and blosom into something beautiful,

Xrystiana

[whowhatwhen]

/hug
I can't imagine how stressful that must be, I wish all the world in luck for you.

There is still more self discovery for me to do, which hopefully I would have completed before having to tell anyone but my therapist.
It's bad enough not knowing fully myself, than to put a close family member through that stress as well.

So far, aside from a few "Mr. Clean" and "low on the lobe" jokes it hasn't been a big deal.
:)

[Eryn]

One possible response to the "disappointed" and "uncomfortable" assertions is the honest question "Why?"

I don't mean this argumentatively. It is reasonable to wonder why your doing something that thousands of people, male and female, do every day would cause such distress. There may be something deeper going on with your Mom that you need to know about. In any case, hearing her out would at least show her that you care for her feelings even if you don't do exactly as she wishes.

[Vickie_CDTV]

The problem with giving advice is that sometimes all of the relevant facts are not known at the time. whowhatwhen, are you dependent on your mother? Do you live in a caustic environment where there is tension and stress, and piercing your ears will add to all that? If so, then you probably should not pierce your ears, seeing you with earring all the time might exacerbate the situation. If this isn't the case, you just have to weigh things and decide if it is worth it. You can always use clips-ons when dressed, or use pierced earring adapters that wrap around the back of the ear (a great alternative I have found.)

It is easy to say "cut the cord", but in situations where there is dependence, it is akin to telling an SO one wants to do something to feminize themselves and she should "get over it".

If you do decide to get your ears pierced, I would go to a professional piercing place. it will cost more, but they have more expertise and have strict standards of hygiene and sterilization.

[whowhatwhen]

It's already been done.
:)

The issue was more that she's a strictly men-should-be-men type person.
I owe my family so much, but I had to take care of my body.