Sick of Being Called "Sir" - Rant Warning

[Jamie001]

I consider myself to be a person this is a "third-gender" that is neither male or female however I consider my brain to be much more female than male. Like several other members on crossdressers.com, my presentation is basically that of a very feminine male. I usually wear a mix of male and female clothing, carry a women's purse, wear a very feminine hair style, usually wear Capri pants, very noticeable women's sandals (usually wedge heels), and bright red nail polish on my toenails. There is no doubt that I don't fit the normal male stereotype image so why do many males that I interact with call me "Sir"? I would much prefer just be to asked questions without the word "Sir" appended to the end of every question!

On more occasions than not when I go into a restaurant or other establishment that provides a service, male clerks/servers usually refer to me as "Sir". This is very demeaning and frustrating to me even to the point of making me angry. When I get angry, I have a very pissy attitude and if a tip is required for the service, I significantly reduce the amount of the tip regardless of the quality of the service. I know it is wrong, but it just affects me that way and I can't help it. It just rubs me the wrong-way.

In addition, I rarely have this problem of being called "Sir" by female clerks/servers and usually have excellent communication with them without feeling demeaned. It is so much better communicating with females. Maybe they understand that since I don't fit the male stereotype that I don't want to be addressed as "Sir". Female clerks/servers just seem to be more perceptive.

Why do many males feel that they must call a person "Sir"? It is interesting to note that these male clerks/servers call males "Sir" but 90 percent of the time they do not address GG females as "Mam". I don't understand their reasoning here. If you address all males as "Sir", then certainly you must address all females as "Mam".

Also, when you are in direct communication with a person (they are standing directly in front and making eye contact), there is no reason for them to suffix every sentence (especially questions) with the word "Sir"! For example, Would you like Salsa with that Sir? Would you like a carry-out container Sir? Anyway you get the idea.

I have another male friend that is not transgendered but he also is quite tired of constantly being addressed as Sir because he was taught when growing-up in the 60's that elders should be addressed as "Sir". He explained to me that being addresses as "Sir" makes him feel old. He is over 50 and is sensitive about his age and doesn't like to be reminded.

I would appreciate thoughts on this. Unfortunately there is no word in the English Language to address someone like myself that is "third gender". Why can't folks just speak to me and drop "Sir" suffix?

[Bree-asaurus]

It's a way of being polite that's engrained in our society and our limited definitions of gender. Sir for men, ma'am for women. Yeah... it's annoying if you're being called something you don't identify as but I don't think it's going to change anytime soon.

[Nicole Erin]

Yeah if you could presnt more of a femme image (if you are CD or TS) then that would change to "ma'am".
But yeah, I don't care for either.
People sometimes call me "sir" to be rude I am sure but even "Ma'am" sounds like my name should be "Aunt Gertrude".

[Diane Smith]

I can understand the irritation, but if you're intentionally presenting yourself as a feminine looking male, people are still going to perceive you as masculine first, and use the matching honorific. It would be far more frustrating if you were going all out to pass as female and had the same experience (which has happened to many of us!). Many of us have been trained from an early age that using "sir" and the like shows respect for the other person and have cultivated it as a reflexive habit that is hard to break. In other words, it's not really directed at you individually or to deliberately cause any irritation.

I find that the most polite and sensitive SAs and so forth are the ones who kind of go out of their way to avoid using "sir," "ma'am" or "miss" altogether and try to address me either by name or in a non-gender-specific way.

- Diane

[Emily Barton]

Here's a thought... how about you just say something? I see so many people wasting time getting worked up over the little things in life, where often all they needed to do was say something to resolve the situation early.

You have to appreciate the fact that these people are just trying to be courteous towards you, regardless of how it may come across. They do not have a crystal ball, and I think it's frankly unfair to expect them to treat you exactly how you want to be treated from the moment they first see you. They are probably quite unsure of what to do, and as such would probably be grateful if you gave them some guidance.

So how's about the next time this happens, you politely mention that you'd rather not be referred to as 'sir'. Emphasis on 'politely' - they are as deserving of your respect as you are of theirs. If you just did this you'd get to avoid the silent stewing and resentment (which can't be healthy), and you'll potentially even educate whoever's serving you to think twice the next time they see someone in a similar position to yours.

Tolerance goes both ways... I think often it's the persecuted who forget that the most.

[max]

Why do many males feel that they must call a person "Sir"? It is interesting to note that these male clerks/servers call males "Sir" but 90 percent of the time they do not address GG females as "Mam". I don't understand their reasoning here. If you address all males as "Sir", then certainly you must address all females as "Mam".


There is sometimes a perception that mam is appropriate for older women. I have seen women get VERY agitated at being "mam'ed".

[Jocelyn Quivers]

I'll go from my experiences when I was younger and was in a customer service/service/hospitatlity etc. industry type job. On the first day of orientation it was beaten into our heads sideways to address everyone as sir and mam. On a typical day I could come in contact with anywhere from a few hundred people to thousands of people.

Every one of them was addressed as sir or mam, to where it becomes second nature. This was also reinforced by years of sports in which every coach was addressed as sir, all adults were addressed as sir. This has gone up to my current occupation where everyone is addressed as sir or mam, including superivors, managers, etc.

Even when at the check out line, resturuant, etc. I still address the staff as sir or mam. Basically it's one of the most common words I use on a daily basis. Now there are times when I am not sure of the gender, and when this happens it can sometimes be a double edged sword.

I'm sure I've probably offended a few GG's (who appear very masculine) by addressing them as sir, and vice versa by addressing very effeminate looking GM's by addressing them as mam . I base this off of their reaction when they angrily told me they or not a sir or a mam. Usually when I am in such situations now, I try to not use gender at all. Sometime due to being in a rush, not thinking, or letting my mouth speak ahead of my mind, I will still address them in the wrong gender.

I guess in trying to answer your question, there might be times where people are just being rude and trying to offend you. There might be other times when you will run into someone like me who just out of habbit and basicaly is like a robot programmed to say sir or mam every minute of there lives, we might occasionaly get it wrong.

That does not mean they are trying to offend you, and believe me on the other end it's not something I really like having happen and it does cause embarrassment on my end.

On a lighter note I get called mam a lot in male mode despite trying my hardest to look as masculine, "thugged out," and mannish as possible. When this happens I give a light hearted laugh, I'll actually smile for a change, see the humor in the situation, and just let it go.:2c:

[Michelle 2]

Emily your solution is so perfect. I will be using this tidbit next time it occurs.

Michelle

[TGMarla]

....my presentation is basically that of a very feminine male.

And this is why you get "sir" added when people address you. They are attempting to be polite. These people know you are male despite your obvious effeminate appearance. What the heck do you expect from people, especially people who have little understanding of the transgendered?

Sheesh! Get over it. People are only trying to be nice to you.

[StephanieC]

I agree. The same thing happens to me. Over the course of time, this is starting to bother me more and more. Some business seem to stress the sir/ma'am and some seem to go in the other direction. I think it's easy to change and still be respectful.
-stephani

[Sara Jessica]

And this is why you get "sir" added when people address you. They are attempting to be polite. These people know you are male despite your obvious effeminate appearance. What the heck do you expect from people, especially people who have little understanding of the transgendered?

Sheesh! Get over it. People are only trying to be nice to you.

Right on Marla, I'll second that emotion!

It's the mixed presentation which is at work here. Even in full female presentation, many Muggles will still slip up and call us "sir" because their brains detect and perceived in this order...

female

no wait, male

oh, it's one of those TG types

So now knowing how to address TG because we're all new in their world, they revert to the last one in the hierarchy, male. Voila, here comes the "sir".

But there is a point which was not brought up. What if everyone called you "ma'am??? Wouldn't that rub you the wrong way as well?

[Imeni]

Honestly, I'm 26. I call anyone whom I don't know who looks to have about 10+ years on me sir, same thing with women and Maam. Or lady if im feeling adventurous. But I work midnights and im wierd to boot so, my mind isn't exactly what you call stable. Did you guys hear the door bell? CHICKEN! D: Wait, what was the question? WAFFLE! :o

[Sandra1746]

I wear my hair long and get "maamed" a lot even when I'm in full grungy drab. Especially if they haven't seen my face or heard my voice. The SA is trying to be polite and we usually have a bit of a chuckle over their "pronoun-challenge" when they realize their error.

Life is too short to always be offended,
Sandra1746

[StaceyJane]

I just hate it when I'm en femme and someone calls me sir.
I'm mean do I look like I want to be called sir?

But what's really odd is that at work where I'm not out one of the new girls always calls me sir. I'm not her boss, we are the same pay grade although I do have several years of seniority over her. I tried to tell her not to but she is a timid person and keeps doing it.

[Tina B.]

Funny, I hear people all the time lamenting over where politeness went in our society, Now we are going to hear complaints because someone is trying to be polite, courteous, and professional.
If you are working on passing, and presenting pure female, then I would agree, rude! But if you choose to present, with a mix of male and female, a young man would add the sir, to let you know he is not judging your masculinity, that's what most men would want, how does he know what it is you want, since you are sending such a mixed message. We, and this, is way outside most of there experiences, and they don't know how to deal with it, so they try to be polite, and hope you appreciate it enought to leave a nice tip. If they only knew, it was working against them, they would stop! After all they are just trying to do a job, most of us wold not want to do, and make the best wages they can muster, so I dobt they are trying to offend you.
Tina B.

[Jenniferathome]

It is not demeaning if the speaker does not mean it as such. "Sir" is a term of respect. By the way,I ascertain your sensitivity with regards to this is such that you do not actually hear the women referred to as a "Mam","Miss" and "Ms.". Because there are three choices for women you might not tallying these up. Strangers must address you in some way. If you are obviously male, then "sir" is perfectly reasonable. how can anyone know you consider yourself a this gender? Even if they did, what is the rule for that? I think you are looking for a fight where there is none. You should not allow yourself to be frustrated by respect.

[Julogden]

Being older and curmugeonly ;) , I suspect that many (most?) of that is due to more men having issues with you than women do. It's been my experience that as a general rule, men feel more threatened by gender variance than women are and will do something like addressing a CD as "sir" to make their point that they don't like what we're doing than women will. Most women will take the "live and let live" approach, men will let you know that they don't accept you as a woman.

Just my 2 cents worth, based on what I've experienced.

Carol

[Babeba]

I hate being called ma'am, but am really getting to the point where I can't really be called miss anymore so I try to appreciate the respect that it shows.

To be honest, if I were your waiter and your wedge sandals and pedicure were safely below the table, and your cute capris were likewise hidden from sight, would I have more masculine or feminine cues to go off? At least they were being polite. Docking their tip is just passive aggressive if you don't try to give them a chance to correct it. They probably make little
Money other than through tips.

[Jamie001]

Right on Marla, I'll second that emotion!

It's the mixed presentation which is at work here. Even in full female presentation, many Muggles will still slip up and call us "sir" because their brains detect and perceived in this order...

female

no wait, male

oh, it's one of those TG types

So now knowing how to address TG because we're all new in their world, they revert to the last one in the hierarchy, male. Voila, here comes the "sir".

But there is a point which was not brought up. What if everyone called you "ma'am??? Wouldn't that rub you the wrong way as well?

That is a very good question, and the answer is "no". I would not mind being addressed as "mam" because my brain identifies as being much more female than male. Unfortunately in my case trying to pass is not possible and not worth the effort. I would just appreciate if folks would communicate with me without using "Sir". Most folks have been brainwashed and it is completely unnecessary. It is interesting that most men use "Sir" when addressing other men, but use nothing when addressing a woman. Why can't they address me using no suffix?

[Badtranny]

Unfortunately in my case trying to pass is not possible and not worth the effort. I would just appreciate if folks would communicate with me without using "Sir". Most folks have been brainwashed and it is completely unnecessary. It is interesting that most men use "Sir" when addressing other men, but use nothing when addressing a woman. Why can't they address me using no suffix?

This is just so silly I can't believe I'm even responding. Any man wearing capris and sandals looks exactly like a MAN wearing capris and sandals. Just because you identify as feminine doesn't mean that people will call you ma'am, because all they know is what they see and you LOOK LIKE A MAN. You say yourself that you aren't passing but you still want them to somehow know? I see CD's complain near constantly abut the unaccepting state of the world but you will never change the world. The best you can do is affect your own circumstance. Change your life and what's happening in it. If you don't like being called sir by service people than just say something. Don't "get back" at them for a slight they are completely unaware of by short changing them or whatever.

You are already miles ahead of some of your tribe because you have the courage to be who you are so just enjoy your life and be gracious to those that have no clue.

[Melissa Rose]

Humans are very visual creatures and we rely on our vision for a majority of our information in a given situation and environment. Past experiences and the strongest visual cues are used to instanteously render a mental decision when a mixed or uncertain message is present. As Ms. Hobbes indirectly stated, humans are not mind readers and others cannot know our desires and intentions. IIRC, Melissa and I have been called "you guys" when addressed, and I know it was not intended as a slight. It is a common saying used by men and women, and absolutely no harm or disrespect is meant especially since they address every group that way. I could take it badly and get pissy, or take it is for what it is and not let it ruin things for me. Finally, if it means that much to you, have the courage to directly address a situation where a behavior is unacceptable instead of a hiding behind a hit-and-run approach which may penalize those who had no ill intentions or may not be aware they offended someone.

[Stephenie S]

How about a nice smile and a, "Please don't call me 'sir'. It makes me feel so masculine."

Give people a chance for goodness sake. Anger is so "masculine".

S

[Julia_in_Pa]

You present as male. You have stated this in your OP.
Addressing you as sir is the appropriate and polite thing to do.
Learn to live with it or change yourself don't project your " feelings " about this upon others when society sees you as male.
Doing so is rude on your part.


Julia

[STACY B]

I'll go from my experiences when I was younger and was in a customer service/service/hospitatlity etc. industry type job. On the first day of orientation it was beaten into our heads sideways to address everyone as sir and mam. On a typical day I could come in contact with anywhere from a few hundred people to thousands of people.

Every one of them was addressed as sir or mam, to where it becomes second nature. This was also reinforced by years of sports in which every coach was addressed as sir, all adults were addressed as sir. This has gone up to my current occupation where everyone is addressed as sir or mam, including superivors, managers, etc.

Even when at the check out line, resturuant, etc. I still address the staff as sir or mam. Basically it's one of the most common words I use on a daily basis. Now there are times when I am not sure of the gender, and when this happens it can sometimes be a double edged sword.

I'm sure I've probably offended a few GG's (who appear very masculine) by addressing them as sir, and vice versa by addressing very effeminate looking GM's by addressing them as mam . I base this off of their reaction when they angrily told me they or not a sir or a mam. Usually when I am in such situations now, I try to not use gender at all. Sometime due to being in a rush, not thinking, or letting my mouth speak ahead of my mind, I will still address them in the wrong gender.

I guess in trying to answer your question, there might be times where people are just being rude and trying to offend you. There might be other times when you will run into someone like me who just out of habbit and basicaly is like a robot programmed to say sir or mam every minute of there lives, we might occasionaly get it wrong.

That does not mean they are trying to offend you, and believe me on the other end it's not something I really like having happen and it does cause embarrassment on my end.

On a lighter note I get called mam a lot in male mode despite trying my hardest to look as masculine, "thugged out," and mannish as possible. When this happens I give a light hearted laugh, I'll actually smile for a change, see the humor in the situation, and just let it go.:2c: Thanx for your comment MAM ,, You look like a MAM ,,To me ,, So you better get used to it .. LOL,,,,, Showin the LOVE ,,,MAM !!!

[JoanAz]

I love the response from "southerners"
"can I help you Sugar or Darling"

[Rebecca Star]

You present as male. You have stated this in your OP.
Addressing you as sir is the appropriate and polite thing to do.
Learn to live with it or change yourself don't project your " feelings " about this upon others when society sees you as male.


I consider myself to be a person this is a "third-gender" that is neither male or female

And how are people (the general public) supposed to know this...do you carry a BIG sign around with you every day with the words, "I'm neither male or female, please do not address me as Sir"... Do you do this?

Just my 2 cents, but I believe the OP is a prime example of the Pink Fog syndrome.

[Foxglove]

Sheesh! Get over it. People are only trying to be nice to you.

This is basically what my mother told me one time. I was a young lad and we were at a petrol station. When the lad was finished dealing with us, he said to me, "Thank you, sir!" As I got back in the car, I was grumbling about how I didn't like being called "Sir". Then my mother's remark.

I eventually figured out why I didn't like being called "Sir". The usual self-esteem problems. The lad was showing me respect that I felt I didn't deserve. I used to be a fairly hard character to get along with. (Of course I'm all sugar and spice now.)

Best wishes, Annabelle

[Shananigans]

I can see this being a frustrating thing for someone that may identify somewhere else on the gender spectrum. I am more aware of it now that I date someone who is TG, but I really was not aware of it before.

My family always raised me to say "Sir" or "Ma'am." It really doesn't matter what age you are either...I say "ma'am" to anyone that is in a "higher position" to me. I have a professor from Wisconsin and whenever I am in her office, I drop a lot of "Yes, Ma'ams." She will occasionally say, "You really don't have to call me m'am...I'm only in my 40s." And, every time I tell her that it's a really bad habit, but it really is just a sign of respect in Alabama. She understand this, but she will still smile as I kick myself when I call her "ma'am."

I mean, I would get in a LOT of trouble as a young kid for saying "yeah" or "yep" to someone that is in a higher position than me. (Be it someone you are working for, some random person that is slightly older than you on the street...basically, anyone that is an adult). You always said "Yes, Ma'am" or "Yes, Sir." For example, I am in my 20s...but, I expect my 12yo cousin to call me ma'am.

I had a professor that did not want me to address her by "doctor" or "professor"...she wanted me to address her by her first name. I just really could NOT do that, and she would always tell me that it was okay to just call her by her first name when I would address her as "Doctor So-and-So." I finally just had to tell her that I was probably never going to be able to call her by her fist name without feeling really awkward. She also was not from the South.

So, I suppose just try to understand that we are being polite. It's probably how the person was raised. I was also raised to stop whatever I am doing and hold a door open for a very elderly (like having a hard time walking), anyone that has some sort of walking device, and any woman that is very pregnant. Also, if there is a person that is much older than you or a woman that is pregnant that needs a place to sit...you get the Hell up out of your seat and offer your chair. If they don't take the chair, you continue to stand...you don't shrug and sit back down. I was also raised that men should hold doors open for ladies (like, in front of stores and stuff) and offer them their chairs if there are no others. But, apparently, some mamas aren't raising their sons right. I was walking through a door and a parade of men just continued to walk through without offering my friend and I to go ahead through. My friend is from Mississippi (born and raised) and I from Alabama (born and raised)...so, this was just very rude. As the last guy went through, I finally said, "By all means, let me continue to hold this door open for the rest of the herd." They gave us an embarrassed look. I think I am more Southern than I think I am sometimes, because I got called the "typical Southern Belle" while Ryan and I were in Mexico talking to people also from Wisconsin. (Lol...a lot of people from Wisconsin that I meet, apparently). I wasn't really sure what that meant.

So, my point is that I wouldn't stress it. I would never say "sir" to a person that is CD completely as a woman, or appeared to be trying to pass as female. I don't expect many other people would either. But, if you honestly look like a sir and there is really no way for me to know how you feel on the *inside*...I'll probably "sir" you. If you tell me not to "sir" you, I probably will be biting my tongue not to say it. Just because I still see it as pretty disrespectful when out and about. But, if you said something like, "Please don't call me 'sir'...it makes me feel a little too manly," I'd be very aware not to call you that. But, I will probably start calling you ma'am, instead. lol

Also, "sugar" and "honey" is seen as disrespectful unless you know that person very well or on the same "level." I might "sugar" and "honey" my friends and people of my own age. But, I would NEVER say that to someone that I did not know well. Many SAs do it to me when I am out and about, and I see it as okay because we are about the same age. But, I have also seen some girls do it to the very elderly...my mama would have popped me.

[Melissa_59]

Well, down here in the South (West Texas) we still open doors for ladies, and call them Ma'am - regardless of their age. I think it tickled some of the young girls I've done this for, when they're young enough to be my granddaughters - but that's the norm here. And with that, guys are called "Sir" (unless you have done something to warrant a less deserving title) out of respect.

I realize the rest of the country/world might not be like this, but in some places the old graces are still alive and well. Of course, if you were here and looked feminine, you'd be called "Ma'am" - would that be better, or worse?

[Shananigans]

Also, I'd thought I'd add that if you had told me you considered yourself the "third gender" 2.5 years ago, I would have stared at you like you were crazier than a sh*t house rat. At the time, I had some conceptualization of transsexuals and crossdressers...but, I wasn't really as aware as I am now. So, 2.5 years ago, I just thought there were TSs that were born as boys, but really were girls on the inside. (And, vice versa). I honestly saw CDing as a mainly sexual thing...but, then I learned about the "transgendered umbrella." And, now, I know there are people that feel like they have no gender at all...then, there are people that feel like they are a blend of both genders...then, there are people that feel they are something else entirely. It honestly still gets pretty confusing to me/makes my head hurt a little bit, but I have found that just being sensitive/understanding is the best way to approach things when you aren't really sure what is going on with someone internally.

So, I feel like even now I am here and I am STILL trying to learn/understand gender issues of different people. I'm still kind of confused and I think I have been here for like 2 years. In my daily life, I feel that I am more aware...but, I also try to just do my thing and try my best not to offend anyone. But, I would probably go crazy if I tried to be completely politically correct all of the time and cater to everyone's different internal issues. My method is to try to be polite and then work from there. It sucks to say it, but I just try to be polite and get my work done (especially when I was in sales)...I'd never get sh*t done if I heard everyone's personal history or had to worry about everyone that could in some way be possibly offended by something that came out of my mouth that I had no intentions of being offensive. I remember a woman getting bent out of shape when I offered to show her jeans in a "relaxed" fit. Yes, she was a bit on the bigger side...but, I was really just trying to find jeans that fit her. Yet, she took it that I was insinuating that she was fat. Lord, help me...I've never been dog cussed like that in my entire life. I think I was a little bit more offended by the level at which she took things than she was by me saying that I could try finding her something in a "relaxed fit". You could call me "sir" all day just as long as you get my order right/helped me find what I needed, so that I could get the Hell home and be done with it lol.

I've actually failed really hard at being politically correct once...and, just made things really awkward. Most people just assume that you are straight...and, I was thinking the other day about how people asked if I had a boyfriend. I was thinking it would be funny if I said, "No, I don't have a boyfriend...but, I have a girlfriend." I know no one means anything by it...I don't think that their homophobic just because they have "straight brain." It's just kind of more of the norm...so, whatever. But, one day, I was asking a girl in nursing school if her boyfriend lived in Birmingham. (She had said she had a date for her whatever year anniversary). Then, I caught myself and said, "Well....unless you are a lesbian, and have a girlfriend...not that I think you are a lesbian...I mean..." It was a pretty good laugh. She finally said that she was straight and not a lesbian. We both laughed and I said, "Well, you just try to be as neutral as possible...but, then you just come out really awkward and crazy."

However, I also wanted to add that how you described yourself dressed (OP) was definitely in a style that I feel that no one should have called you "Sir." I would have said "ma'am" to you and I feel like most people that are sensitive would since you obviously are presenting as a female. (Nail polish, women's clothes, purse, girlie hair).

[CamilleLeon]

As a former waiter, I have say the "sir" and "ma'am" suffixes are an automatic habit when dealing with customers. When your tip can very well depend on politeness, you quickly learn to be as polite as possible. Like, I called kids sir or ma'am without even meaning too. That being said, I would probably have referred to you as ma'am but I'm probably more gender open minded. I mean, it's possible that they aren't paying much attention to what you're wearing, especially of they are busy and just going by your voice and assumed you dressed a little more metro or something.

I also think male waiters tend to use suffixes more because you don't get as good tips as female waiters (who tend to relate more to customers and thus get better tips while male waiters are business: "hi sir/ma'am, can I get you something to drink? What do you want to eat? Here's your dessert/check. Have a good one")

Being a waiter can be super stressful like when ou have 8 different tables at different levels of service, you don't really have time to analyze what someone is wearing and which gender pronouns they would prefer to hear.

EDIT: also a million shame on you's for letting your personal problems affect how you tip an otherwise good waiter. I should be more sensitive, but if they are busting their a$$ to serve you and you can't get over that they don't know about "the third gender" then you need to work as a waiter and see what happens to your tipping habits /rant

[CINDYO]

it is just an automatic way to address an individual, they are not trying to tick you off, they just read that you are male and call you sir. When i was at DLV, i knew that the people there were obviously trying to present as female, yet when i was speaking with them i caught myself referring to them in opposite gender that they were attempting to present in. I felt bad and did not mean to offend them in any way, it is just so automatic, I could tell they were male. I think they understood as i apologized but what was done was done.

[busker]

I hate being called ma'am, but am really getting to the point where I can't really be called miss anymore so I try to appreciate the respect that it shows.

To be honest, if I were your waiter and your wedge sandals and pedicure were safely below the table, and your cute capris were likewise hidden from sight, would I have more masculine or feminine cues to go off? At least they were being polite. Docking their tip is just passive aggressive if you don't try to give them a chance to correct it. They probably make little
Money other than through tips.

that's right. minimum federal wages for wait-staff is 2.83/hr. And, the IRS taxes you on the total of your "sales" and so if you don't get a tip, you do get scre...d. IRS expects tippers to leave at least 10%. Sorry, off topic but many folks don't know this.
And yes, you are right, if one is presenting MORE male characteristics than female, men are going to say SIR,

[Eryn]

When en femme I work very hard to make sure that I present as many feminine cues as possible. I can't remember ever being referred to as "sir" when en femme.

When en drab I carry a shoulder bag, wear Capris, colorful shirts, etc. but I'm still tall and have a short male haircut so I don't hear Ma'am, but I have noticed a couple of double takes.

Do I care? I used to, but frankly I don't have time to worry about someone making a mistake if I'm throwing ambiguous information at them. I enjoy wearing what I wear and it is no skin off my nose if someone gets confused.

A few months ago I was in JC Penneys and noted a tall (>6') thin woman whose hair was very short, as short as mine. She was, AFAIK, a GG, but the only outward cues were her modest-sized breasts. She was dressed in jeans and didn't carry a purse. She was standing in line at the customer service counter and the person there said "I can help you now, Sir." She walked up, the checker took a closer look and then said "excuse me,... Ma'am." She didn't seem to be bothered at all by the misidentification and it seems that if one is going to present an ambiguous image one should expect an error now and then.

[Confetti]

Hello dollings,
Well shussh I love calling surly or unpleasant young people sirs and Ma'am, you should see their rude little faces seem confused its delicious you all should give it a whorl.

[becka519]

they do that sir thing to get your goat! we all know that men in general are dogs and do stuff just to make you mad. if it's not this it would be something else. don't let it bother you next time hit him.

[Stephanie47]

Is it possible female waitstaff view you as a male transitioning to a woman?
Is it possible male waitstaff view you as a female transitioning to a man?