Do you ask the Question?

[Contessa]

I am not worrying. I am not labeling. I am just wondering how you who are CDers feel about those that may show up at your job. Or just in your neighborhood and they appear to be a CDer. Since you are do you ask them that question cause it will give you another CDing friend to confide in. Maybe even shop with or just have coffee. Don't act alarmed or wonder how you would know. Maybe you have seen something that would make you suspect. Are you a CD?

Tess

[noeleena]

Hi,

I looked at that ? years ago.some 17 in fact. & the answer is the same then as now..No i dont ask even if i do know What they do, is there concern,

If they wont to talk with me then its no different than talking with other people , im a very public person & so well known & i do have people come up to me because they have seen me on T V , & read up about my background .& because of that i would out some who are trans or dressers,

I been in that poistion of knowing many trans & dressers & others , so no i wont go that road,

Some times we can place others in a very uncomfortable poistion Im not prepeared to do that.

...noeleena...

[Antoinette]

I've got no reason to ask anyone. If I know, then its whatever, to me there just a regular person like myself. I'm not one to label anyone. I'd hang and conversate with them like I would any body else.

[Jonianne]

I think the wize answer, given in many threads like this one, is to never out someone, whether TS or CD, nor ask them to out themselves. When interacting with someone who I think may be trans, I always make it a point to just look them in the eye and have a friendly smile, just like I would any other person. The best place to find others like yourself, to go out with, is at meetings, GEM, triess type or other trans groups.

[Roberta Young]

Contessa Marie, it would not bother or upset me at all. im kinda shy and would hope they would start conversation first, but would give them a WARM smile. if they smiled back i think i would start to converse. Luv Roberta

[Jocelyn Quivers]

The general rule for me in this situation is "Do Not Engage!" This is based on how I would feel if I was in public in girl mode.

"Wow great day, nobody has said anything rude to me, I've been addressed as mam, I've not been mugged, attacked, or chased by mobs of teenage girls with cell phone cameras, while in the make up/comestics aisle."

"Hey I must be passing!" "Oh great someone just told me they were a CD and wanted to talk to me because they are one too and can tell I'm one, self esteem has dropped.":sad:

The only slight exeption would be if I came in contact with one, while we were both looking at the same size 12 shoes in Pay-less, and no one else is around. Or we are both sitting in the waiting area of an electrolysis salon, or if one was getting harrassed or attacked by a group of people.

[Tina B.]

I would never ask a question of someone that would put them off, and that is one that would. If you are not presenting female, but show signs, they could be misunderstood or it could be a sign the sister wants to stay in her closet, and I'm not pulling anyone out. If they are presenting female, but not passing, no need to ask, and if they are passing, then I just wouldn't know. I just don't see the reason people feel so free about accosting complete strangers. If you feel the need to seek out other cross dressers, there are better ways than bothering people out on the street, try joining a transgender social group, they are out and want to talk to you. Remember the sister you see out on the street could be a first time outer, and you could scare off of ever going out again, would you really want that on your conscience.
Tina B.

[Melissa Rose]

No. I would always err on the side of discretion and not ask since I do not know how they feel about being approached or outed. Also, it is a rather personal question. I would not approach a stranger in public and ask them if they were an alcoholic if they exhibited the outward appearance or behavioral signs of being one or ask a woman if she had breast implants so why is being transgendered any different? My personal status or situation would not make it any more acceptable. Finally, there is the chance of being wrong and insulting a GG (I think most would be insulted if thought to be a cross dresser). If you want to meet someone, do what is generally accepted such as making eye contact, smiling, saying hi, etc.. Treat them like a person first then the rest will fall into place if it goes any further.

If you are looking to meeting other cross dressers for friendship, find a local trans group, carefully post an ad, try Facebook, etc.. The probability of meeting a friend that way would be much higher.

[StarrOfDelite]

Just as a word of caution to the Board. Speaking as an attorney, it is my best guess that merely asking "the question" could be an act of sexual harassment which could get the interrogator disciplined, perhaps even discharged for cause. Motivations don't matter: As the old parable says, the road to Hell is paved with good intentions.

Update Edit: Was reviewing this, and realized I should have pointed out that this advice applies only to fellow employee workplace situations.

[Barbara Ella]

I would never approach anyone and ask that question. There are so many concerns going on in my mind while I am out, I cant imagine someone else being thrown out of kilter with a direct approach from anyone. Situational instances might allow it, but then you would not be asking the question, but starting up a conversation about what you both were doing at the time.

Barbara

[Sallee]

I don't believe I would ask the question. I may try to bring cding up in a conversation and try to be discrete It is a hard topic to drop into a conversation without seeming like you are trying to out some one.

[BRANDYJ]

I have had crossdressers and TS's come into the place I worked. I would never think to ask them about their lifestyle. I treated them as I would treat any other customer. In the first place, I would not even know if they were a CD or if they are transitioning. So questions about there manor of dress could be very insulting if they are transitioning and simply want to blend and live their life as the woman they feel they are. For the most part, I observed co-workers treating them as any other customer to. With the exception of 1 or 2 male associates making rude remarks to each other and me, about the TG person they saw in the store.

[Kassandra56]

No. There are other more appropriate ways to meet others who CD and if you meet through those avenues you will know they are also ready to talk.

k

[Annie D]

No I would not say anything nor would I ask any "gender" type questions. Inside, my mind would be screaming to find out but I would really try to mind my own business ,the same way I would want to be treated.

The reason I am replying to this thread is because just last Thursday, I visited the local social security office and when my number was called and I sat at the window a charming woman in her mid-forties was helping me. I was not dressed but in male mode. I explained what I needed and she went to work on her desk top. As we both sat silently, I suspected that she might be transgendered: her brow was slightly protruding, her chin slightly prominent and her hands somewhat larger as she worked at the keyboard. Even though I suspected that she might have been, in a former life, a male I remained silent. The last thing that I observed was that her rings fingers were slightly longer than her pointing finger. Still I remained quiet and although I did not especially want to inquire about her, I wanted in the worse way to confess to her about my alternate lifestyle. Still, I remained silent and appreciated the way she went about doing her job and her assistance to me.

No, I would not ask any questions to someone who I suspected to be either one of us or formerly one of us.

[Kate Simmons]

It's usually best to seek out TG friends at a TG friendly club or a TG Org. of some kind. Approaching others out of the blue in public or at work may not set well with them and no one really likes to know they are "made" even by another CDer.:)

[Contessa]

Okay I am sorry. No one will say yes they are a crossdresser cause of some reason. I am or maybe I am transexual. Well which ever I am not afraid to say. If you can't say I am something then why be that. There are only men and women out there. Again I am sorry for believing. Yhere is nothing wrong with being a CDer.

Tess

[EllieOPKS]

Maybe the golden rule applies.

[kimdl93]

Honestly, unless I'm at a gay club or similar venue, I don't usually encounter other CDrs...or maybe they're just so good that I can't tell!

[Melissa Rose]

Okay I am sorry. No one will say yes they are a crossdresser cause of some reason. I am or maybe I am transexual. Well which ever I am not afraid to say. If you can't say I am something then why be that. There are only men and women out there. Again I am sorry for believing. Yhere is nothing wrong with being a CDer.
Tess

Tess, you may be missing the point most of those who posted are trying to make. It is not about self acceptance or cross dressing being wrong, but about respecting the privacy and dignity of others. It is their personal choice, and not yours, as to how open they want to be especially to a stranger or a mere acquaintance. Outing them whether in public or private is their decision and not yours. Your thoughts and beliefs may not be the same as theirs so it is best to error on the side of caution.

[suchacutie]

If I detect that they might be TG (and I could be wrong!) it really doesn't change anything. I continue to treat that person politely as I would any woman I meet. I feel that I want to be treated as the gender I'm presenting without any qualifications. If I want someone to know I'm transgendered, I should be the one to initiate that conversation.

[Stephanie47]

In my small city I have only seen one cross dresser, twice. I saw no reason to strike up a conversation because of the way he was dressed. He wasn't standing at the end of a freeway off ramp holding a sign asking for money to buy a new dress! If I am at a venue where there are people of a similar interest I strike up a conversation concerning our mutual interest. I have had people ask me about some of the character tee shirts I wear. I do initiate appropriate conversations in store trying to be helpful such as where to find cheaper prices on toys and books, etc. No hitting on women.

From the comments I've seen on this forum I think women encountering cross dressers tend to be helpful (shopping) and complimentary because they know the cross dresser is striving to appear as feminine as possible. I just do not think it is appropriate in most settings to run up to a cross dresser and compliment him on his presentation. Yes, at a gay club. At Costco, no!

[STACY B]

I would !! I would scream out HEYYYYYYY Whats uppppppp ,,Love those heels ,,Where did ya get em ??? Hey come on over here in the hose section were the only ones here ,, Come onnnnn lets go an try some HOOKER HEELS on an run around the store screaming like a girl ,,,,Weeeeeee ,,,Weeeeeeee ,,LOL,,,,,,LOL,,,, !!! Na seriously It would be better to leave em a ALONE ! They have enough to worry about alreaady they dont need you to bother um . But beleave it or not Im a big mouth an if they wanted to talk to me I would welcome there conversation ,, Maybe they could give me some tips . But on the other hand if they were real good you would never know ? WINK,,,,WINK,,,, Maybe like ME ,,,,LOL,,,

[Karren H]

Personally I wouldn't care.... Just liking to wear the same kinds of clothing is not a basis to meet someone let alone be friends...

"I notice you wear black Nunbush wigtip shoes.... Want to have lunch?". Lol.

[Contessa]

Honestly this is my last post in this forum. I will try to stay in the beauty and clothing forums. I am only trying to be positive about my dressing. Thats why I smile when I am out and about. I am a very sweet and honest person. I am also pretty sure people can tell that I am probably not a woman. I have no Hips and no B tt. I don't yet have a way to hide those facts. But maybe I don't want to. Maybe I am just unafraid of my life now. My fears are gone. I understand all of you that want to be private out in public. My death won't change my life. Live long and prosper. Peace to you.

Tess out

[Amy R Lynn]

Really I don't think I would say anything. I would be just as friendly as I always am. I would use the same rule of when you suspect a lady is pregnant. If she's not and you ask her about it, you're going to wreck their day. What if she is a GG and you ask about her CD'ing.... that would be all kinds of awkward. So, I wouldn't say a thing about how they look unless it was a compliment!

[sometimes_miss]

I come across people periodically that have all the signs of being crossdressers. But I don't say anything unless they initiate the information, because I'm not 'out' and don't want to accidentally let some do-gooder that thinks we should all be out, know about me, just because he thinks it's 'for my own good'.

[Rachel87]

Oh well, no wonder being a crossdresser feels so lonely. I would so love to meet another CDs in my area. I would feel excited if i found out someone was a CD. I would try to get to know her, be friends so maybe we can share this common interest. Of course I would be very discrete about it, not rushing anything, wait for the right time to bring it up, prolly tell him first I am one. I would love if another CD found me. Just like if there was a girl around I had a crush on, I would try to approach her.

I've been on the other end of a similar situation before, I had a friend who was gay (which I'm not), who thought I was too (I guess I can't hide my femme side completely when in boy mode hehe). So he decided to come to me. I confess I freaked out. But because I'm not interested in dating a guy. I'm not sure if he did the right thing or not, how else he would know. At lest he was very discrete about it, the conversation was kept in secret by both of us, no one was outed. Not everyone likes going to clubs or meetings. We are just people wanting to be friends with other people that share something in common. A related question, what a gay guy should do if he liked someone guy he isn't sure is also gay?

[Wildaboutheels]

Contessa, I think there are many boats being rowed here at this Forum and most of the regulars have others rowing with them. Clearly, you are rowing your own boat so I can relate but I am fine rowing alone but the slant of your thread indicates you want or need some CDing friends?

As many have already mentioned, it is simply unwise to draw conclusions about people based on what someone is wearing. Or how they APPEAR to be acting. Even if you work with them daily. ASKing someone is simply unwise. Instead, I would simply give them a GENUINE compliment, looking them straight in the eye and smiling. And I would do it dressed as a man. ESPECIALLY since you are not a "believable" female for now. Most people will be "uncomfortable" with being confused about a person's sex IMO. By giving someone a compliment, you allow THEM an opportunity to open up. IF they wish.

You have to remember that probably most CDers are on Red Alert when out in Public and are terrified of being "discovered" or "made".

[charlene#2]

tess dont take offence to what is being said here,its not directed at you,my self i think i would like a c.d. friend also but we are mostly very descrete about ourselves.i think its the fear of being found out and being made fun of.i do my c.d.ing mostly in private and just underdress most of the time,some times on a trip i will wear some ladies shorts or jeans and maybe a womans golf shirt,dont quit posting on here by this one incident. charlene#2

[Noel Chimes]

I made that big mistake of trying to start a conversation with a co-worker who was definately transioning. That went over like a lead balloon. I saw one of our sisters at a local gas station. Despite my wanting to start a conversation with her, I resisted for not wanting to cause a very ugly moment. So I simply admired her courage and strength of commitment.
Personally I would say leave well enough alone.