Be yourself? ??

[Joan21]

Hello all im in a situation that i am lost here goes. So i recently posted how me an my wife seperated do to the fact were both unhappy an we want each other happy. She is constantly tellingme to be myself an she is supporting an loving if i choose to be a woman but i have no clue if that's the right thing to do. I am usually miserable living as a male an when i am being myself im being a woman an happy. Seems to be a easy decision if i didnt have children an a family that thinks it is wrong been looking for a gender therapist to help. Srry for the long post

[Julia_in_Pa]

Joan,

I know what your going through but sometimes in order to do what you know you have to do in order to full fill your life's purpose you have to do things that aren't very pleasant.
Being frightened of what could occur if you perused what you are considering your true life is likened to being in your own self made prison.
This is where the majority of people become so bogged down that they are unable to move forward by making decisions effecting the rest of their life.
Therapy will allow you to see a larger picture of what has happened, is happening and the possible outcomes and consequences of your actions either to yourself, your family or both.


Julia

[Joan21]

Wise words. I just cant seem to grasp y when im male im so unhappy an dpressed an nothing seems to fix it i drown my self with alcohol cigarettes an i am very un pleasant an put this big front on that im ok an happy it's coming to the point where i am losing my mind if any of this makes sense

[Melissa Rose]

I'm sorry you are feeling so much emotional pain and having to hide it. You are not alone in feeling the way that you do. As Julia stated, you probably should seek the help of a gender therapist to help you sort through your feelings and thoughts. It is very easy to hang all or most of our emotional pain on being transgendered. It is important to get a better sense of how much of your unhappiness is related to your specific level gender dysphoria and how much is not. It is often intertwined so it can be hard to unravel on your own, and sometimes it is surprising how much is separate from our gender issues. Addressing only the gender or non-gender related issues will still leave you partially buried in unhappiness and depression. Both need to be adequately addressed for you to find peace, happiness and balance. Gender is only a part of who we are as a person, but for some it is a bigger part than for others. I hope you are able to find the peace and happiness you desire, but often you have to seek it out yourself. It takes courage, strength and support, but please do not give up, and get and accept help every place can you find it. Please take care of all of yourself and love yourself for who you are.

[ColleenA]

Seems to be a easy decision if i didnt have children an a family that thinks it is wrong

Taking care of yourself is the most important level in this matter. After that, I do believe it is responsible to be concerned about one's children and spouse since they are the ones most intimately involved in your life. As for other family members, fu ... fu ... forget about them; you can't live your life trying to please them, which is true whether the topic is transitioning, career choice, where you live, or any number of other personal matters. ("So when are you going to start a family?" "Mom, I've told you. We don't plan on having any kids." Disappointed "grandmother" creates a scene in an attempt at emotional extortion.)


been looking for a gender therapist to help.

This is important, but don't assume all therapists are equally informed and proficient on gender matters just because they advertise themselves so. My BFF saw one early on who told her she could not possibly be TS because she had never cross-dressed. She never went back to him a second time. OTOH, I believe a therapist shouldn't just be a rah-rah supporter and rush you into deciding to transition. Just as there are people who truly are TS, there are people who think transitioning is the answer to all their issues when in fact it would be wrong for them.

[emmicd]

dear joan,

we try to live our lives and find our own happiness and try to also find someone special to share our life with. we may not always understand what is happening with us and sometimes we hide or deny it for fear of being misunderstood or rejected. we go about our lives as if nothing is wrong but sometimes that is the furthest thing from the truth. for someone who struggles with gender identity/gender dysphoria our life can be very confusing and very painful and we most certainly will feel depressed and alone and not sure what we can do to help our situation. we look for someone we can talk and relate to. we just want to be free to be who we are. i can see this in how you express your situation with your words. we all are going through the same thing as you describe so i can tell you that you are not alone. i believe your wife cares very much for you and i am sorry to hear that you have separated but i believe this is a way for both of you to heal and her way of telling you that you need to do something to help yourself and she needs time to address her needs. it is very important that you find a good therapist who will listen to you and will have experience in dealing with your condition. you are at a point in your life where you realize this is very real and you must now take the initiative to help yourself and not hide behind the alcohol and cigarettes. you need to fight for your life and take control. do not escape your pain with the bottle which will make things worse. please get the help you need and continue your communication with your wife. she seem to really care about you and i'm sure you really care about her too.


all my best!

emmi

[ReineD]

Hi Joan, I've read some of your older posts about your getting a new job and no longer being able to dress several times per week on your own, which I gather made it difficult for both you and your wife in the evenings and weekends. I'm really sorry that you and your wife weren't able to sort it out.

But I have a question: have you been out much in public yet? I gather the need to interact with others becomes overwhelming. Is this what makes you unhappy when you dress, feeling as if you need to get out of the closet more? And if you are not venturing out, is it because you feel you need to perfect your feminine appearance?

[Joan21]

Have not really been out but ya id like to perfect it before more not unhappy when i dress only in male mode im unhappy

[ReineD]

Joan, you may well be TS, it's not up to anyone here to determine this. But, I'd seek sessions with a gender counselor.

And in the meantime, to help relieve some of the pressure, you might want to start doing little things so that you can go out unfettered. My SO got a few sessions of laser beard removal so at least she doesn't have a dark shadow after a few hours out. She has her own long hair, but you might want to invest in a good wig until your own hair grows out. My SO also grew her fingernails to make her hands look more feminine. They don't need to be so long as to look odd in guy mode (if you are concerned for now about appearance at work), you can shape them square rather than pointed, and this is the style now anyway. You can also get a makeover at a makeup store so that you can learn what products work for you and also learn to apply the makeup in a way that blends into the mainstream while you're out and about. And thin your eyebrows out a bit if they are overly bushy. Sorry, I've not seen pictures of you.

Also, have you considered joining a TG support group? It might do you a world of good to go out and meet people. I'm not trying to run your life or anything, but you mention drowning your sorrows in alcohol. It's not a good idea to begin to depend on alcohol too much. Alcohol is a depressant and it can actually prevent people from doing some of the things they need to do for themselves.

[Joan21]

I pretty much covered all that already that u wrote in the first pragraph havent done anything yet as far as meeting others or finding a group but im wrking on it!!!

[ReineD]

Do you need links to help you look for a therapist? Maybe some people here live in your area. :)

[Joan21]

You can pm me if u like

[ReineD]

Not trying to be argumentative or anything, but I don't know that asking everyone who reads this to PM you to determine where you live so they can send you links to resources will help. A few might, but likely many will not bother. Usually people just put down the general area where they live. This won't give you away at all. You don't have your likeness in your avatar, you're not using your real name, and anyone that you know who might stumble upon some of the posts on this site by accident (or even if they are looking), will have no way of knowing or proving that "Joan21" is in fact, you.

If you live near a major city even if it is small with a population between 500,000 - 1 million, there will be thousands of people there who could potentially be members here and who have similar stories to yours. :)

[jillleanne]

You know this may be the perfect time to test the waters; the grass may or may not be greener on the other side, so why not test out. You have the opportunity to dress at will, so go for it. Dress as often as you can. Go shopping en femme, make Tg friends locally if possible. Spend as much time as possible en femme for as long as you can and when you are ready to switch back to drab, if you do find you are ready, ask yourself, " am I unhappy because I am TS or am I unhappy because I cannot express my femme self often enough or in a manner that satisfies my needs?" This will take maybe 6 months before you know, so don't think a few weeks will provide the true answer.

[ReineD]

This will take maybe 6 months before you know, so don't think a few weeks will provide the true answer.

Great advice, except maybe more than 6 months, especially if a person is also busy with work and kids. It took my SO I'd say between a year or two before it all fell into place, and this was with going out on a regular basis everywhere, at least once or twice per week ... not just once per month to a club or a TG support group. Although these are good places to start.

[Rebecca Star]

I know what your going through but sometimes in order to do what you know you have to do in order to full fill your life's purpose you have to do things that aren't very pleasant. Being frightened of what could occur if you perused what you are considering your true life is likened to being in your own self made prison.

This is where the majority of people become so bogged down that they are unable to move forward by making decisions effecting the rest of their life.
Therapy will allow you to see a larger picture of what has happened, is happening and the possible outcomes and consequences of your actions either to yourself, your family or both.

Julia, you've said exactly what I feel and said it so well too!

[LynLovely]

For me Puberty screwed with my brain more than it did with my body.People I went to High School with reconize me today that I haven't seen in 45 years. These are people that knew me before puberty hit. All the hell that testosterone did is mess with my brain throwing me into a perpetual fight or flight response and left me more or less with the same body.
Add to that the amount of hormones I recieved were extreme, in my 50's it was well over 800, and what I dealt with is roid rage. The reality is that alcohol does help to mitigate that at least beer does containing hops. This in no way means I endose alcohol abuse but for me it was the only help I had. You think in that extreme male mode I'd go to a gender therapist? It would not even cross my radar.
Joan I was also unhappy but in my case the thought of cross dressing or any feminine thought never entered my mind. I only had the image of myself at 3 or 4 years old at odds with my body to hold to. And had no idea what it meant. Nothing more nothing less. And my brain on roids would not let me connect the dots.
God I pray that your mind is not effected to the degree mine was and to some degree still is because in reality there is no good reason for me to have survived.
Take the advice here and seek gender counseling and be honest about it to him or her.
Good luck
-Lyn

[jillleanne]

Great advice, except maybe more than 6 months, especially if a person is also busy with work and kids. It took my SO I'd say between a year or two before it all fell into place, and this was with going out on a regular basis everywhere, at least once or twice per week ... not just once per month to a club or a TG support group. Although these are good places to start.

For sure. I felt the very same way as Joan does without question. The only difference is I came out to my s/o and she wholeheartedly accepted me for who I am. Joan has to deal with her identity and the loss of a loved one. I began expressing en femme as often as I wanted, we talked regularly and still do about femme things, and all the bad feelings and emotions I was experiencing mentally disappeared over time. It took longer than 6 months as well, but I was able to understand a few things quickly; primarily I did not wish to transition. I discovered who I truly am. Joan may or may not be TS. Time and understanding will allow her to discover herself, and it could be she will want some councelling as well to assist her. I soon learned I was not a female trapped inside a male body, but a male with very strong female characteristics that needed to be 'let out' when the occasion arose. The greatest part of the coming out was I no longer had to allow the frustration of not being able to express my femme side build up internally mentally. I could now simply go change to my femme self and enjoy being me, which I do to this day. I go femme sometimes for a day and other times fo two weeks. The best upside to it all is the fact I need not hide it; no mental pressures, no depression. The bonus is having a gg accept it. We have become a threesome in life which is great. Kid yourself not however, if my gg and I ever separated, I would not attempt to change who I know I am. I would continue to express my femme self when the need arises. I do hope Joan is able to find herself by expressing her femme self to the point whereby, over time, she knows where she needs to be to stay sane and happy with who she is. Life will still present it's challenges, but hopefully she will find inner peace and total happiness with who she is. That will allow her to tackle the challenges of day to day life.