Setting Ourselves Up for Disappointment

[Diane Douglas]

Yesterday, I read a thread from someone whose unaccepting SO was going shopping and had requested she buy a pair of panties for her. Well the SO came home with nothing.

Well this made me think about myself. The other day, the wife mentioned that she had been online shopping a lingerie store. The site offered a window to interact with one of their support staff. Well she was very non-specific about what she was looking for, so I immediately hoped it might be something for me. Deep down, I know it won't be; but I can't help it will be.

Why do we hope that something like this willl happen? We should know better.

[Jennifer W]

Diane;

We hope for acceptance. Plain and simple. And a sign of acceptance in my opinion is our SO buying us something nice to wear as a sign of that support.

Jennifer W

[Cynthia Anne]

It is the nature of humans to hope for something better! Life would be a bore without hope! And who knows she may supprise you! Hugs!

[Beverley Sims]

There is always hope and little surprises can be very rewarding.
Mind you asking an unaccepting SO to buy something for you is s t r e t c h i n g it a bit.:)

[kimdl93]

Hope is certainly human nature, but hope without effort is entirely futile. If one's SO was unaccepting, what's the basis for hope that she'd buy an her CDing partner. Its not the sort of reaction one could reasonably expect from an unaccepting SO.

[Pretty Nails]

Perhaps the thought of an unaccepting SO buying panties for the CDer is far out but the hope of acceptance is not. My wife is more tolerant but less accepting. She has allowed me to dress and she knows that I do so when I'm left unsupervised. She would not buy anything for me like that but she has helped with some storage drawers and suggested we get a shoe rack - I have way more shoes than her. Although those items are not absolutely CD stuff I am happy that she took the time to care that much. I still wish she would just let me be me all the way - hope. May never happen but I still hope for it. If there was NO hope at all I would not have come out to her in the first place.

Diane - I dream alot that my wife would bring home an outfit just for me. Its a long shot but I like the dream.

I think hope is OK but just don't let it totally get in the way of good judgement.

[Jennifer W]

Diane - I dream alot that my wife would bring home an outfit just for me. Its a long shot but I like the dream.

I think hope is OK but just don't let it totally get in the way of good judgement.

Dream and hope. Seems ok to me.

[Stephenie S]

There is a perfect solution to this.

Buy your own darn clothes. You get what you want. What you get fits. You don't have to rely on someone else who is shopping for herself. You sit around and HOPE someone buys you something you want? Yeah, right.

It's kind of a no-brainer.

Auntie Stephenie

[Jennifer W]

There is a perfect solution to this.

Buy your own darn clothes. You get what you want. What you get fits. You don't have to rely on someone else who is shopping for herself. You sit around and HOPE someone buys you something you want? Yeah, right.

It's kind of a no-brainer.

Auntie Stephenie

Auntie Stephanie;

I don't know about others, but I do buy for myself. All the time. Just a gift now and then (I buy gifts for her) would be nice. Don't you think?

Jennifer W

[Melissa Rose]

The term "accepting" has a lot of different meanings. It differs from person to person and from couple to couple, and the differences can be quite large. Your wife may think she is being very accepting while you may have a very different view. If she does not know what you are looking and hoping for or your definition of accepting, you will continue to be disappointed again and again if her idea of acceptance is much lower or different than yours. It is also unfair to her because you are measuring her against a standard, and she is unaware of it. You are only going to make yourself miserable and continue to be disappointed, and somewhere in all of this she is going to be saddled with some of the blame. So, yes, you are setting yourself up to be disappointed because there are two people playing from a different rule book and measuring using a different ruler. Finally, you have to decide what level of acceptance (based on your definition) is going to be sufficient for your needs and desires, and how you are going to reconcile the difference if it is bigger than you can accept or tolerate.

Dreams, hope and goals are great and good to have, but don't make your happiness dependent on achieving all of them especially if some are unrealistic in your situation. If some of your happiness is in the hands of someone else, they need to know what makes you happy.

[Sara Jessica]

I have a degree of tolerance/understanding/oh-so-very-slight-acceptance-but-keep-it-away-from-me in my relationship that many might envy but I spent years waking up every day hoping that it would be the day that yet another step forward could somehow be made. It only led to disappointment as I went to sleep each evening. It's funny, I had gotten away from that thinking to the point where I haven't even thought about it lately until seeing this thread.

[Karren H]

Personally I hope my wife never buys me anything fem!! She has the worst taste in lingerie.... If she did buy me something I hated and wouldn't want to wear then I'd be really disappointed. And then if she bought me stuff I couldn't go shoipping! Whuich is really more fun than wearing for me.

[docrobbysherry]

"Hope springs eternal!"

I go to sleep EVERY NITE hoping I'll wake up in a neat, clean house! But, it NEVER HAPPENS! Sigh!

Hoping someone will buy something for me? That stopped when I was about 16. These days, at age 60, I hope whatever anyone buys for me for Xmas and birthdays can be returned!

[Kelley]

Karren, you always seem to put things in perspective.

You know fathers day is comming! Maybe I shouldn't get my hopes up

[Stephanie47]

I'm in agreement that a wife buying a pair of panties or a package of hosiery would be an indication of at least tolerance without participation. I use to torture myself with the anxiety of unfulfilled hope that my wife would buy me a pair of panties. We actually did go to a lingerie department of a Mervyn's. It was absolutely torturous for both of us. I think she felt everyone was watching a "CROSSDRESSER AND HIS WIFE." I don't think she could even envision an observer thought we may be shopping for her. After all panties are usually on a rack with mixed sizes. "Egads! They bought a size 8!" She also wears size 8! At that point I abandoned all hope! Sigh!

Go back for the early 1970's and we would prowl mid town Manhattan. We would go to Macy's and Gimbel's and all the other stores along 34th Street. She and I would prowl of the lingerie sections for nighties for her. No problem holding them up to herself and twirling. We even bought nighties for me at the time; all floor length in red, black, white and pink. I still have the pink and white, probably a collector's lingerie item now. She even bought me stockings and garterbelts (white, black and red). Then she and I realized this was more than bedroom play. "Oh my! My husband is a CROSS-DRESSER.'" No more sleeping in nighties. The dreaded talks. The crying!

So, all hope is gone. So, I have been buying all my feminine clothing. Last night I bought on eBay a 1970's Nancy King black slip that is "old stock" with sales tags still attached. I love Nancy King slips!

And, the additional downside of a non accepting wife. She really does like me buying her lingerie because she thinks I envision myself in whatever I may buy her! I wouldn't buy her anything I would not wear myself! :) At least she got that right. But, I do have good taste in dainty, lacy, sexy lingerie! :)

[Maria 60]

I know understand when it's a birthday or any kind of special day and someone buys a little something. My wife always said, it's the thought that counts not the size of the gift. I got a taste of this last week because i have been looking everywhere for a wrap around dress, last week i came home from work and went to get changed and on my side of the bed there was a bag with a wrap around dress in it. It was such a great feeling knowing that when she was shopping she thought about me and I didn't ask her she did it on her own.

[sterling12]

"Hope springs eternal in The Human Breast." That's a quote from Alexander Pope, in an Essay on Mankind. (And I always thought it was something from Shakespeare)

So, I guess Pope and many others think the natural order of things is to be optimistic. And for a lot of people that's preferable to pessimistic. But, even when we know in our heart of hearts that it's an unsolvable problem, and we can't win; I guess we always fall back to our natural "Default Setting." We hope that things will change, will come out all right, so we try to think things will turn out for the best.

Aren't we silly?

Peace and Love, Joanie

[Kathy4ever]

It is always nice to dream or hope. yes it can be dissapointing when you don't get anything or of course male clothing. When that happens I say thank you and just hung it up and never put it on. Now she never buys me any clothing which is fine for me since I don't want it. The funny thing is i'm not sure but as I am rearranging my house I found some nice 1 -1/2 inch sandals in size 9 that my wife bought and she wears size 7-1/2 to a 8. I usually wear a 10 in ladies shoes but thy fit me nicely. So did she buy me these for me or did she just buy them bigger for her. There is no way to ask this question as she might go ballistic. It always depends on her mood.

[Jenny Doolittle]

Acceptance in a second hand way I think.

[Tina B.]

Of course it's not the clothes you really want, clothes can be gotten anywhere, what you really want is a acecptance, and unfortunaltly, you just can't buy that. Of course if I asked my wife to pick up a pak of panties for me, and she came home empty handed, I would just go get 2 paks myself!
Tina B.

[Janet Miller]

If she even had an inkling of how you felt about getting something cute and feminine from her, I think she would love to get you something. Why not drop a few hints around your birthday Valentine's Day or Christmas and see what happens?
My Mom, sis, Aunt, cousin and girlfriend all buy me perfume, lingerie, clothes and things for those special occasions.

[Thera Home]

Auntie Stephanie;

I don't know about others, but I do buy for myself. All the time. Just a gift now and then (I buy gifts for her) would be nice. Don't you think?

Jennifer W

Auntie Stephenie

I have to agree with Jennifer, I buy my own and love the thrill. May I please go the bathroom?

Thera

[sometimes_miss]

Diane; We hope for acceptance. Plain and simple. And a sign of acceptance in my opinion is our SO buying us something nice to wear as a sign of that support. Jennifer W
+1. My ex wife did try; she did her best to accept my crossdressing, but in the end, simply could not do it. As she contacted other support groups, she came into contact with other furious wifes who felt deceived, and over a few years, her anger intensified to the point of fury over my 'lying' to her. Nothing could fix it, she was by that time so addicted to her support group 'families' who painted her actual family and myself as the enemy, that she was on a course to divorce me, and be as cruel about it as possible.

[Jennifer W]

+1. My ex wife did try; she did her best to accept my crossdressing, but in the end, simply could not do it. As she contacted other support groups, she came into contact with other furious wifes who felt deceived, and over a few years, her anger intensified to the point of fury over my 'lying' to her. Nothing could fix it, she was by that time so addicted to her support group 'families' who painted her actual family and myself as the enemy, that she was on a course to divorce me, and be as cruel about it as possible.

That is so sad. I feel so bad for you. I hope my wife doesn't get that way.