Why Do You Keep your CDing a Secret from your SO? (Please only Closet CD's to answer)

[Rebecca Star]

Hi,

Seems to be a lot of interest around here to why guys choice to not tell their SO about their CDing. So instead of running on assumptions, I thought I'd just come straight out and post the question...

If you have or are currently in closet and you have a SO (wife, partner, g/f) I'd be insterested to know why you didn't come clean with your dressing form the start?

And why you feel it's ok the keep this secret from your SO?


thanks

Rebecca

[sometimes_miss]

I didn't tell her because I really thought that I was able to stop crossdressing; when I met my wife to be, I hadn't done it for a while; then, while dating, I didn't crossdress either. Then after marriage, I didn't crossdress for almost 5 years. I really thought that I had put it behind me. So, why start a problem when there isn't one? By the time I lost my job and the stress of that as well as having to go back to school, and taking a job in a female dominated field where I'd be addressed in such a way as to make me go back to wondering about my sexuality, it was too late. I kept hoping that I'd be able to resist the urge, but it was not to be. Then once I started doing it again, I hoped that by the time I finished school, and could go back to having a good job again, that would allow me to get my self back to 'normal' and be able to stop it again. Needless to say, none of that worked, and she discovered my crossdressing and was horrified by it. That started the downhill turn in our lives and it snowballed, ending in divorce several years later. It wasn't intentionally meant to be deceptive; I thought it was something that I had grown out of, and as such, it wasn't necessary to bring it up. Much as a single woman usually doesn't tell her fiance about her drunken escapades while on spring break when she was younger. They feel it isn't pertinent to who they are in the present day.
Does that help you?

[michellecd9999]

I know my wife would not like it one bit. I have been doing some CDing since I was around 12, but never dressed all the way. When we were first married, I put on her panties sometimes in the bedroom saying I really like the soft feel. She seemed ok with that. But when I put on pantyhose or a nighty, she told me that she did not like it at all, that it was a turn off and to take them off. If she sees an efeminate guy or CD on TV, she always make a negative remark or some type of reaction ("ew- that's so gross"). When we were first married, I did not fully CD (maybe because I did not have the goods or opportunity). I generally put on panties, hose or lingerie. As time when by and I traveled on business, I picked up a pair of high heels, then some makeup. CDing is mostly a sexual thing with me. I dress, get excited and then take it off. Over the years I have developed the mindset of keeping things on for a longer period of time, but it is still "exciting" to me. When we moved into the current house (25 years ago), I was able to build out a place to hide things, so I started to accumulate more and more items such as dresses and skirts, etc. About 10 years ago I decided to see what I could look like. That opened a pandora's box as soon I ordered breast forms and got some dermablend and a good wig. I went out to a few Tri-ess meetings and once to a club, but it is difficult to do so without the wife knowing. My dressing is now limited to the house when my wife is at work or out of town (kids are gown) or a once or twice a year treat at a makeover service. While I don't think my wife would leave or divorce me, it would put a strain on the relationship and might even have a negative effect on our sex life (which is pretty good by the way!) Bottom line - while I might feel better about being out, it would transfer a great deal of pain and stress upon my wife and it would not change anything for me (she is not going to want me to dress around her or shave my legs etc). I also love my wife dearly and the life we have had and the kids we have, etc. and would not change a thing. So until I get caught I will keep this to myself.

[Karren H]

Because she would have thought I was a pervert. Which she did. And does..... And if that makes me a bad person.... so be it... And I so hate holier-than-though people who will judge me for that.....

[GinaM]

I never told my wife when we first started dating because it was so infrequent that I would dress and it was maybe years between when I would put something on and it would be for 10 minutes or so. As we got more and more serious and started living together everything was great and no dressing for me. As things progressed and she got more lingerie etc. I started getting curious again. Then started wearing her lingerie and dresses when she wasn't home. It would come and go and I would wear something once a month at most and then forget about it. As stress started to grow it became more and more frequent and now it's at an all time high. I've purchased my own makeup, wigs, clothing, shoes, and much more. I've been going out in public now which is crazy.

I have no idea how my wife would respond to be completely honest. She's fairly open to some things and we have a decent sex life. I'm a mans man so who knows how she would respond so until I get caught it will be my secret.

[Thera Home]

Because she would have thought I was a pervert. Which she did. And does..... And if that makes me a bad person.... so be it... And I so hate holier-than-though people who will judge me for that.....

Im a perv right along with you sis, what a deal huh?

Thera

[Helen_Highwater]

I suppose it's because I can't predict the outcome and there's a certain element of "what you don't know doesn't hurt you". As it stands the only person who suffers by this arrangement is me. I don't do anything that impacts upon my SO's life either positively or negatively but it does limit my time en fem. If I did come out and the outcome was a good one then I would feel like I was being given the green light for taking the opportunity to go out more but that in itself would impact upon my SO as I would be spending time away from our life together. I don't know from my perspective whether I would be comfortable dressed around the house with my SO there. That would seem to be an unreal situation. I couldn't see me en fem but with my male persona and to adopt a more fem alterego would seem a bit schizophrenic.
And then there's the issue of jealousy; I have much the better legs for heels!

[JerseyGirlDonna]

Because she would have thought I was a pervert. Which she did. And does..... And if that makes me a bad person.... so be it... And I so hate holier-than-though people who will judge me for that.....

Count me in this club as well... At least I'm in good company. Plus she'll demand I go to therapy, to be "cured" - again, like the first time I was discovered.

[outhiking]

I did tell my wife after giving up on the idea "it" would go away after a few years of marriage. She didn't tell me to stop, but doesn't want any part of it and won't even discuss it. It's sad that I can express a huge part of who I am with my closest friend, but out of respect for her, I keep it in the closet (well in the house when no one's home).

[Sophia Claire]

I thought my wife, who loves manly men, wouldn't be attracted to me anymore. I thought of myself as a freak, and I was terrified that she would too. She surprised me, though.

[Sometimes Steffi]

At first (35 years ago), I thought it was something I only needed for an alternate form of sexual arrousal, that I thought would be cured by unlimited sex after marriage. I was wrong on both counts (cured and unlimited).

Then, I kept the secret because there was no easy way to "cross the Rubicon" so to speak.

After she discovered my secret 5 years ago, she made it pretty clear in word and action that she couldn't handle the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

Now, she's made it clear that she just doesn't want to know, "La la la la la ..."

[Stephanie47]

Forty years ago I thought guys who wore dresses were perverts, "faggots" (1960's terminology) or worse. I knew I liked girls and was not turned on by men. Confusing???? Yes. As others have stated there was a period of absence. Yippie! Cured! Then it sloooooooooowly crept back. Pervert!!! Self loathing. Hatred for self! Purge that one dress I bought, when she was away for a month! Get your head straight! Before marriage my wife told me things she had done. Yikes! Cross dressing isn't that bad! If I accepted her, well, she surely would accept me. I guess that's what saved my marriage. She could not throw rocks inside the glass house without breaking her own windows. So DADT. She has mellowed. Not accepting. But, it is not the big elephant in the room it once was. Maybe, both of us are getting comfortable with each other or senile??

[melina]

This really hits home. After 25 years I have not come "out", but I wear panties only and shave my entire body. Its been gradual and thats the way I want it. I am not ready for the guilt Ive seen some go through. Period!!

[Secret_Dresser]

I may not be a "closet CD" to my current (or ex) partner anymore but to the outside world I clearly am. I can offer a bit of insight into why I hid it for a while
Sorry if this breaks the "Only Closet CD's" answer, but I feel even those who have come out can give some decent replies, provided we have hid it for a while.

Ok so I have been exploring CDing from around 14/15 years old. At the time I saw myself as a freak. I was also in a rather long distance relationship with a girl from Oklahoma. Now me branding myself as a freak decided to keep it hidden as I didn't want to lose somebody special to me (even though we have never met). She did find out about my other side which somewhat links to CD but I shall leave it that. Anyway that relationship ended and eventually found another girl closer to home, mostly the same feeling as the first.

So why did I hide it?? Fearful of losing someone special currently in my life, I couldnt care what anybody else thought at the time.

As to is it ok to hide it?? I think it really depends on the situation, granted you don't want them to find the clothing and think that you have been cheating on them but you also don't want to do anything to jeapodise the relationship. Its a really fine line as to whether its ok or not to hide it.

[aly01]

I didn't tell her as I had not dressed for awhile, and thought it was behind me. It wasn't until recently that I started again, so did not fell there was need to bring up something that had been done in past. Wife would not accept if I did tell her, it is not right in her eyes that guys dress in womens clothes. I think if I did tell her she would think i'm a pervert or gay maybe.

[joanna marie]

Because she would have thought I was a pervert. Which she did. And does..... And if that makes me a bad person.... so be it... And I so hate holier-than-though people who will judge me for that.....

And when she did find out ,she thinks that I am a pervert,and our marriage has not been the same since

[PetiteDuality]

I can also relate to most responses.

I thought that it would go. It was not that frequent anyways. And it was pretty much under control until it was not any more a few years ago :-)

Now I barely dress, and normally just try out something, get disappointed on how ridiculous I look, and don't dress again in months. But I'm afraid that the pink fog will eventually come again.

[Mollyanne]

Count me in this club as well... At least I'm in good company. Plus she'll demand I go to therapy, to be "cured" - again, like the first time I was discovered.
Me too. ME TOO!!!! I tried telling my wife about my cd'ing and it seemed to work for a while, a very little while. I was told I was "sick" and I need "in depth therapy" to get cured. Well I had the therapy but not for long and just accepted who I am and dress when she not present. Actually I prefer to be dressed all the time and am willing to accept whatever fate has in store for me!!!!!

Molly

[suzy1]

One thing I always think is most important when discussing this is that the husband knows his wife and has no doubts what will happen if he tells her.

There will always be exceptions and we hear of them on this forum. Good for them but the saying ‘it’s the exception that proves the rule’ that applies here I think.

My marriage ended for other reasons than C.D.ing. She never found out. But I would bet my life on her going ballistic if she had found out.

And if anyone says to me you can’t really know that I will not reply…just shake my head, pity there simple naïve outlook on life and pass on.

SUZY

[savannaxdrsser]

I never told my wife nor never will, she is very consevative about sex and she just would not understand nor accept it. She would immediately call me gay and want to know if im attracted to men and not her. The closet is where i will stay.

[~Joanne~]

I have thought about this thread for a couple of days and still do not have an answer. Matter of fact, it raised a question or two. 1. Am I really in the closet to my GF? 2. How much does she already know?

My relationship is strange, She knows I wear pantyhose because I wear them openly around the house. She never says anything good or bad about it. I have a couple pair of slip ons (the kind women take to weddings and such to wear if they take their heels off not to ruin their hose) one pair she bought FOR me.

She knows, yet hasn't seen, a couple pairs of heels I HAD to buy while we were out shopping. She also knows I have a pair of female short shorts, regular shorts, training sweats, and a dress I wore one halloween.

A couple of days ago I started getting dressed after she left for work, Had a summer dress on and a necklace when she forgot something and walked back in the door. I got the dress off lightning quick but forgot the necklace. There is NO WAY she's didn't see it but not a word has been said.

So see, how far into the closet I truly am with her is unknown. I mean, there is alot she doesn't know I have, many heels, my wig, a bunch of jewelry and makeup, plus all the dresses........The more I think about it the more I think our "talk" should have happen by now but because of the fear, it hasn't.

[Janet77]

For me, the reason I keep it secret is that I have already exposed her to a train-wreck's worth of other fetishes I have, and I don't think it is fair to add another one to the list. I come from a family of drug addicts and alcoholics, including both parents. I managed to avoid the substance abuse issue but am hopelessly compulsive when it comes to sex. It is slowly getting better with age, mainly because I am not as horny as I used to be when I was younger. Sorry if this is TMI....

[sonna]

simply put i thought she would divorce me..... and she did. we
(finished the divorce yesterday)

not trying to scair anybody but thats what happend!

[Rita C.]

I did not tell my wife for a number of years, but the want to get dressed got stronger to the point that I did not care how know about it. So I came out her, at first it was h--l but now it is all ok, I have my side of the closet with my little bit of male clothes and my girl clothes right next to them and all my under things in a drawer in our dresser. I've came out that i'm a crossdresser and i'm not going back. My doctor says that i'm more on the transgendered side and wants me to concider. going on hormons, but this is for another matter that we will talk about in another posting.

[Rebecca Star]

Hi Everyone,

Thanks for sharing :)
Reiterating, I only asked these questions because I don't see the point in speculating about a topic and not posting questions asking why?
Hence, I decided to ask.

[Helen_Highwater]

Hi Everyone,

Thanks for sharing :)
Reiterating, I only asked these questions because I don't see the point in speculating about a topic and not posting questions asking why?
Hence, I decided to ask.
Thanks for asking. it's a situation so many of us are in and to read the replies meets one of the prime objectives of this forum; to offer support and to help us know w're not alone or unique.

[Tess]

Another member of the perv club. My wife doesn't need or deserve the torment of dealing with this issue.

[Aneline]

Thanks everybody, this is the best thread I've read in a while. My first marriage ended in divorce, in part because my first wife discovered my CD'ing and couldn't handle it. I got some counseling and thought I put CD'ing behind me. I went 5 years of so without any kind of crossdressing. So I did not say a word to my second wife. But a few years into our marriage one thing led to another and I started dressing again. I still haven't told her. My wife is rabidly homophobic and would initiate an extremely unpleasant divorce if she found out.
Danielle

[Confetti]

Perhaps there are many good reasons to share, look at this activity as fun not a burden secrets become pressure either way.How will effect you later on if this isn't in the open should be the question. I think the greatest test of love was the ability to accept and support.

[fun4metoo2004]

1. My son would never understand.
2. My work environment is very manly.
3. do not have the confidence to go all the way and dress, then go out.

[Marlana]

I have crossdressed since I was 13. Kept it a secret for 28 years. Then my wife found some of my clothes and I came clean and stopped for a while. But as always, I started again and kept it a secret because I thought that she would take my son and leave me. She found out again and we sort of talked about it, she said she thought it was a phase, and I need to get therapy, which I did for my own reasons. Now, we talked again, and she's still not ok with it, but understands it's a part of who I am. I told her I didn't want to be "cured" even if I could be. So now I'm on a mission to find a gender therapist to see what's next. I don't want surgery, I just want to dress and look good while doing that.