Anyone care to comment on the RELATIONSHIP?

[Wildaboutheels]

The Realtionship between "secrets"/privacy/right to know/need to know.

I felt compelled to post this because of the recent spate of threads.

Please keep in mind BEFORE posting that every single person who falls under the CD umbrella is unique and different. Some CDers MIGHT have one reason to crossdress and others could have dozens. Clearly many here remain confused after years as to WHY they feel the need to crossdress. I certainly hope that no one here would proclaim that only a,g an w are VALID reasons to "crossdress?

Because you have met ONE CDer who acts a certain way... can't possibly mean we are ALL rowing the very same boat. I believe they call that stereotyping don't they?

YES, I concede that SECRET, would be an "accurate" description for many here. [CDing IS a major "component" of their lives and I mean that in the most respectful way] But NOT everyone here.

Have at it.

[Sandra1746]

Not sure how the OP was directed but here's my reply. Yes we are all different, just as everyone is a slightly unique personality. There is no single reason to cross dress, everyone finds their own road.

I cross dress to express my fem side and for relaxation; no sexual component here at all. At home I'll wear skirts or a dress, going out I often present in "plain Fem".

As far as being "secret" goes, I don't flaunt it to the neighbors but I am sure they have seen me in a skirt walking the dog around the yard. They also can't miss the hair, earrings, jeans and tops. Being retired I don't have to worry about work-issues any more so there is an immense freedom there. Nobody has made any comments however.

Just being myself,
Sandra1746

[Sophia Claire]

Secret: Something that a person is actively trying to conceal from society.
Privacy: A person is not trying to actively conceal any one thing from society, but does not wish their every detail to be broadcast for the world to see.
The difference: Intent
Right to Know: a person has a right to know something when it can be reasonably expected to impact his life, generally meant in a non-immediate, non-emergency sense.
Need to Know: a person has a need to know something when it can be reasonably expected that negative consequences will befall him/her or people for whom he/she is responsible if he/she is ignorant of the given information
The difference: Consequence.

For me, CDing (and being TG in general) is a secret that I keep from almost everyone. My ability to keep my secret depends strongly on some expectation that I'll be able to maintain privacy. The military claims that they have a right to know my medical history (including my Gender Identity Disorder. I didn't tell them because there's nothing wrong with me. I'm not diseased and I think its a sonofabitch thing to say to a lady). The police, if they pull you over en femme, have the need to know your gender, otherwise, "whose car are you driving," "why don't you have a license," and "how did you come to be in possession of someone else's license" become relevant questions and could lead to what you and I might consider "an emergency".

For contrast, my parents have the right to know, but they don't have the need to know.

[TGMarla]

Well, "right to know" might cover spouses or girlfriends, but not much else. And even those come with some prequalifications. All of us, at one time or another, tested the waters before we spilled our little secret to someone else. Sometimes the results are catastrophic. Sometimes, those waters seem to be not so friendly, so the little secret stays put away, at least for the time being. If the weather changes over time, one might be more inclined to be more forthcoming with one's secrets.

We entered into our relationships with the best of intentions, and were found to be worthy of someone else's love as well. Is that love conditional upon the knowledge that her new found guy isn't in reality a closet crossdresser? Oh, the horror! Sometimes ignorance really is bliss.

We all have a perfectly legitimate right to privacy. And keeping something to oneself, especially if one knows that it may well cause one's love interest significant pain, is not really a crime. The fact that we crossdress doesn't make any of us into horrid criminals, but the knowledge that we crossdress is often interpreted as something bad enough to cause a perfectly good relationship to fail. It's lumped right in there with looking at (gay?) porn, cheating on her with another woman (or *gasp!* a man), wishing for a sex change, drinking too much all the time, and diddling children. The reality of the matter is usually quite different, though. We're more sensitive, especially to her needs; we see things from a broader point of view in that we can incorporate a more feminine perspective with our own; some of us have terrific taste in feminine attireand decor, and can empathize with her on such things. The list goes on and on. Many of us, if not most, come to view our transgendered natures as a blessing rather than a curse, for just such reasons.

I think we'd all opt to be more open with our wives/girlfriends if at all we could. It is quite ironic that it's a behavior that most often never goes away, and becomes an integral part of our beings, yet bears such a societal stigma. This doesn't make us bad people. We're good people. But we can't quit doing this, really don't want to quit doing this, and yet we can't gain acceptance from our wives, much less society as a whole. Yet many of those same people who denounce crossdressing and transgender issues publicly, secretly engage in similar behaviors when in private, putting on a false front to friends and family in order to maintain their integrity. I'm speaking in broad general terms here, of course, and say so out of deference to all the wonderful, accepting (or trying hard to be accepting) women on these forums who support or put up with their significant others' lovely little habit.

So it's a loaded question. I think it boils down to each individual situation. There is no one size fits all answer. Privacy vs. the right to know.......tough line to draw sometimes.

[docrobbysherry]

To decide if u should dress and go out or keep it a secret from everyone, do what I do. I use, "What's the worst that could happen?", lists. Hey! It works for me!

On the left side of a sheet of paper, I list all the GOOD THINGS that could happen to me, my family, friends, and business if I was caught out dressed in town. On the rite side, all the BAD THINGS.

My GOOD list was pretty short but had, "Because I would like to", on it! Oh yeah! That counts double!

My BAD list ran over onto the back of the page. And, it even mentioned grandchildren I don't have it! Darn!

[Wildaboutheels]

Thanks for the teriffic responses so far ladies.

My bad to not make it clear that I was talking about CDers that DO have SOs. Do we have a RESPONSIBILITY to tell them about ANYthing and/or EVERYthing we do when we are NOT with them? IF [the definitive word] it does not affect them in any way, shape or form? Does it make a difference if we live with them or not? Married or not. Does a piece of paper change anything?

If you think the answer to the above is YES, then obviously our SOs should share the same responsibilty.

???

[Lorileah]

We all have secrets. We all have secrets we won't share with anyone ever. Your SO doesn't need to know how you ran naked through the sorority house. Unless you were caught and charged with indecent exposure, It would be a need to know thing (like when you fill out a form for say a loan and it asks if you have ever been convicted of indecent exposure).

Cross dressing in my opinion for the spouse is a RIGHT to know. Why? because this is something that a person you are hoping to spend your whole life with should have the right toe decide if they want to buy in. As I say it is equity in a relationship. When you marry or promise a committed relationship, that person should know if something you do is part of the deal. Not 5 years later, not 20 years later. At the beginning. They have equity (both emotional and monetary) in this relationship. It is better to let them decide before you have a mortgage, car loans and three children that this is part of the deal. Some CD's don't get the idea that dressing IS part of the deal, it IS important to the SO. And then they get all upset when they finally do come out and the SO has to wonder what else did you hide for 5, 10, 20 years. If it is something taht will impact your relationship, good or bad, tell early.

As far as anyone else goes, what you do on your time is not important to them. You want to keep this a secret from your grandmother, so be it.

Your right to privacy? You should have that. I believe every relationship needs "me" time. Time when you do what you want to do and what makes you feel good. That would include dressing BUT only after discussing it with your NEW SO. Asking permission when you have 5, 10, 20 years is not the way to do it. Let me re-iterate, there is equity built up and even though you don't see it as a big deal, when you keep this a secret for that long it is only natural for your SO to worry about what else you have kept. And it hurts. It hurts when your SO feels you could not share with them. It feels like you didn't trust them and if you ever trust anyone it should be your SO...from the beginning. (I wonder if I am getting the point across about trust and early and how your SO would see this as a HUGE issue?). The longer the secret the bigger the hurt.

Yes I speak from experience. No it wasn't crossdressing, it was previous marriages and children. Early in the relationship, these would have been a "gee that's bad but we can work it out." 15 years later it was "I wonder what else she hid?" I still wonder and I will never know. And yes it hurts because it violated a deep trust.

[Cheryl T]

The "WHY" of all this is something I gave up trying to answer a long time ago. I searched for that answer for over 40 years and not being able to answer it finally told me that I don't really need to know why. What I needed to do was accept that this is who I am and be happy with that. Now I embrace all that I am, understand that this expression is something that is truly me and I am happier than I have ever been.

[ReineD]

Anyone care to comment on the RELATIONSHIP?

The Realtionship between "secrets"/privacy/right to know/need to know.

Simple. :)

Secrets = something you should not keep from your partner, unless it is divulging ahead of time the gift/surprise party you're planning for her.

Privacy = something you choose to not disclose to anyone who is not your partner.

Right to know = your partner.

Need to know = your patner.



Do we have a RESPONSIBILITY to tell them about ANYthing and/or EVERYthing we do when we are NOT with them?

Every little thing, such as what you ate for lunch or the 10 minute conversation you had with the sexy co-worker? No.

The crossdressing? Yes.



IF [the definitive word] it does not affect them in any way, shape or form?

The crossdressing does affect a partner.

Fetish (sexual or non-sexual) CDing: there is sexual or emotional energy that is diverted away from the relationship. A partner needs to know what this is.

Identity CDing: if the partner doesn't know yet, it is because the CDing has not yet developed. But it will.


Does it make a difference if we live with them or not? Married or not. Does a piece of paper change anything?

Marriage or a live-in situation makes no difference. The deciding factor for sharing who you are or what you do on a regular basis, is a committed, mutually exclusive relationship. I do not live with my SO. But I would be devastated if she did not disclose any of this.





If you think the answer to the above is YES, then obviously our SOs should share the same responsibilty.

Absolutely. If your partner is keeping secrets, you need to have a serious talk.

[LilSissyStevie]

It's probably only necessary to let them know in a general way. I think Pee Wee here (http://youtu.be/mKLizztikRk) can serve as a model. I never told my wife that I was a crossdresser before we got married because it wasn't something I was into at the time. I didn't even think about it. But I can't imagine that I would want to marry the type of person that could be "devastated" by something so trivial. She knew I was more or less insane and thought that was what made me interesting. I don't understand what drives CDs to get involved with the type of person that would think this is a big deal. Masochism?

[suchacutie]

A lifetime relationship is a complicated thing, but after 39 years of marriage it is easy for me to point to one situation that always has rocked our boat, and that is the lack of mental overlap. Let me explain:

There have been times in our lives when one or both of us needed to focus on work or child-rearing or both as a first priority. I can remember one time that I got on a plane for Washington State and my wife on a plane a few hours later for Spain! When focus turned elsewhere, our lives begin to move apart in that we could have separate experiences that were unique to us, unshared. The life that we were building together was lessened for the life that we needed to experience apart.

In the best of all worlds there would be time at the end of the day to sit and talk, relating our days to each other and sharing our experiences. When lives become hectic this time of sharing can be eroded or removed, keeping our experiences unshared. In every problem in our marriage, minor or major, I can point to this process of lack of mental sharing as the source of life separation and moving apart to the point where decisions that should have been mutual become individual. Some of those decisions were not the best.

Those of us who understood we had a feminine side before forming a relationship with another person and were afraid or confused about sharing that part of them have undergone nothing short of agony in most cases. Very often the transgendered nature was not recognized for the strength it has. That separate growth is akin to the separate experiences I mentioned above, and, I believe, is the longterm issue here, regardless of one's moral position on "secrets". A separate life is just that: separate. In the long run it will take a monumentally strong will to keep that life separate without injuring the other member of the relationship. It will require that the rest of the relationship is so strong that this little piece of it never surfaces or interferes with the rest of the relationship. Hard...very hard.

The mental overlap of two individuals in a relationship is, in my opinion, the prime measurement tool of the strength of the relationship: the more the overlap, the stronger the relationship.

Relationship: Two people against the rest of the world, and the rest of the world needs to know nothing at all, beyond the legalities of existence in a society.

[Wildaboutheels]

[For anyone who only read the original post, I did a vey poor job of not making it clear I was talking of Relationship as it pertains to CDers WITH SOs. I felt it unfair to go back and edit the original post much later after responses started to come in.]

Thanks for taking the time to post some very thoughtful responses ladies.

I really hate to use the H word but I feel it needs to be done.

HOBBY. There I said it. Not trying to insult any of the ladies here. This is by far the sharpest bunch of people in ways too numerous to mention, I have ever seen gathered at any Forum and I certainly hope no one takes offense.

Or I can use the word TIME instead of hobby.

Let's just say your SO rarely spends more than 10 or 15 minutes at a time "dressed" with any items on HIM. [made and designed for women] Perhaps, he spends less than an hour a month total. Maybe only spends 15 MINUTES a month total. Maybe 5 minutes once a month.

You STILL need or deserve to be informed? What if he ONLY buys or cares about one particualr item or two?

Numbers posted daily here and elsewhwere clearly indicate the above "behavior" is not uncommon and probably constitute the vast majority of "crossdressers". <<< Which takes absolutely nothing away from the many ladies here who don't row in that particular boat. For some of us it is ONLY about the clothing.

Can anyone dispute the fact that the vast majority of CD folks are biological men? 90% maybe. Or more. I am just guessing here of course. Therein lay the definitive key to the WHY of CDing. It's VISUAL. The "average" GG is never going to understand the visual aspect because being visual is counterproductive to her most basic prgramming.

[JohnH]

My wearing women's clothing should be no more strange than for a genetic girl (GG) to wear a flannel shirt, jeans, and hiking boots. At any rate, I don't it keep a secret. I am simply expressing my feminine side when I wear clothing typical of women. As far as the term "crossdressing": UGH!


Can anyone dispute the fact that the vast majority of CD folks are biological men? 90% maybe.

In my opinion it is because the restrictions placed on men how they are to dress and groom themselves are far tighter than what women have to abide by. It comes about in part when boys are growing up they hear the tripe of "Boys don't wear that", "Boys don't do that" or "Be a man". Those statements in my mind border on child abuse. A lot of discussions on this forum are about male insecurities that have been brought about because of the statements made when the participants were growing up as boys.

John

[ReineD]

HOBBY. There I said it. Not trying to insult any of the ladies here. ...

Let's just say your SO rarely spends more than 10 or 15 minutes at a time "dressed" with any items on HIM. [made and designed for women] Perhaps, he spends less than an hour a month total. Maybe only spends 15 MINUTES a month total. Maybe 5 minutes once a month.

You STILL need or deserve to be informed? What if he ONLY buys or cares about one particualr item or two?

Ah. The one hour per month hobby. So tell me, how much time does he spend in this forum? :D

[sometimes_miss]

The Realtionship between "secrets"/privacy/right to know/need to know.
I'm only going to focus on this part. We all have things about us that we don't tell others, usually because we dont' think it's important, but also sometimes because we simply don't want them to know. What bothers other people the most, are things that THEY think they should be told that we don't tell them. Problem is, we never know until it's too late what they think that they have the right to know. Many people think they have the right to know everything about others, but reserve the right of privacy for themselves.

[Lucy_Bella]

I dress because I have a overwhelming desire to, nothing or no one makes me other than myself from fighting off the stress and that nagging urge.. Forced as a child many times due to being caught, to experimenting in my teens to now, just trying to be myself and accept the fact it will never go away.

My children do not have the right to know but my S.O. has every right .. Friends do not need to now unless I choose to share with them same with family ,siblings and distant relatives.