resting

[arbon]

This morning I was at church and Reverend Bob comes over says to me "You've looked really good lately, you've seemed happier, joyful...whats changed in your life?" I thought that was kinda cool, that it is noticeable.

A couple people have said similar things to me lately.

After my name change last month I have been feeling better and better about myself.

I feel like I have reach a point where I can kinda rest and relax a little bit, I don't feel so stressed and afraid.

Looking back over the last three + years there was a lot of stuff to go through to get to the point of changing my name.


Tough stuff to go through: accidently outing myself, insanely deep depression for about 18 months in which I almost killed myself and if my wife had not intervened I may have done it, going into therapy, to realizing I was transsexual and self acceptance (that was not easy! I had a lot of internalized transphopia), deciding to transition and how doomed I felt by that, dealing with the issue of my transition with my wife and daughter and worrying about how all that was going to work out, dealing with my brother and parents, getting over my fear of what people would think and how they would react going out in public dressed as woman - especially in a very small community where I grew up and everyone knows me, how all my friends would accept me, finding a doctor, hair removal, dealing with work was a gigantic issue that stressed me for a long time - its still not great but it is going in the right direction and i am feeling better about it....

Just tons of stuff that was emotionally / mentally draining to get here.

Here being a place where I don't feel like I have to be anything that i am not for anyone anymore.

Surgery is the next stop, which will take me another 18 months I think, but I feel that getting to, and through, surgery is going to be easy compared to everything I already faced and got past, that most of us have to go through, to get here.

So I feel I am at a place where I am able to recharge a bit,

did others go through a similar phase, where things start really looking up and feel you could relax a bit?

[ReneeT]

Wow! You just nailed it! I am in the throes now of all that you ave come through. It is soooo emotionally draining. I am glad you are finding the light at the end of the tunnel. Best wishes for what comes next

[Julia_in_Pa]

Theresa,

A major storm has past and you weathered that storm extremely well.
You, I'm very sure are relieved and finally after a lengthy period of time are able to relax.
I'm very happy to here this Theresa!! :)


Julia

[KellyJameson]

I experience it as peaks and valleys where the peaks are when I feel rested, accepting of myself and free from confusion with a clear understanding of who I am and what I want.

The valleys are the internalized transphobia from a lifetime of brainwashing. Second guessing everything I have learned to be true filling me with doubt and insurmountable problems that seem impossible to overcome.

It is living between hope and hopelessness while trying to swim across a lake of molasses.

I'm fortunate that at this point in my life I spend most of the time living on the peaks with fewer and fewer valleys but it has been a long expensive (in every way)road.

When I think of one image to encapsulate the whole experience it is the sensation of drowning by being pushed under the water by millions of hands with unseen faces and fighting my way to the surface where there is life saving oxygen while sometimes thinking during my struggle that not fighting but drowning would be a more pleasant alternative.

[arbon]

It is living between hope and hopelessness while trying to swim across a lake of molasses.



I definitely understand that feeling.

[Pamela Kay]

Renee is right, you did nail it.

You have been a great example of strength for me and others here I'm sure Theresa. I think you've earned a breather.

It seems like the trials are constant in the beginning but start to have a few breaks as we progress.
I'm having some of that this week myself. The real estate sign went up in front of the house today and I'm coming out to my coworkers this Friday.

The experience and strength you and the rest of the women here demonstrate gives strength to those of us who are going through some of the same trials.

Lead on Theresa.