Is it bad I get more pleasure out of dressing than having sex with my wife?

[GinaM]

So, lately my wife and I have been arguing a bit and it's always the same thing. We have sex 3-4 times A MONTH and it is so not enough. Then, when we do it's always the same thing as she never wants to do anything out of the ordinary like dress up etc. Sometimes she will be then it's always a compromise.

When I get to dress there aren't any compromises and I just do what I want. Pretty sad things have come this way but at least I get some pleasure on my own.

Anyone else have the same issues?

[NicoleScott]

Gina, I suspect there's a lot more of this than CD's will admit. I expect there will posts saying that your drive to crossdress has become obsessive because it has interfered with your relationship with your wife. (Ha! My crossdressing became obsessive long before I met my wife.) But there are usually other things that interfere with intimacy - crossdressing is often the scapegoat.
I agree with you that doing it alone is better in many ways, as you mentioned. In my case, crossdressing in private works for us, as my wife's sex drive is very low, and she's good with my dressing in her presence or alone.
It seems that crossdressers whose relationships are damaged by crossdressing driven by strong internal feminine identities get a pass while those driven by sexual pleasure are held accountable for their out-of-control obsessions.

[Stephenie S]

I have no idea what is wrong with the sexual relation you have with your wife. But I can say with utmost conviction that if you are not holding up your end in the bedroom, your marriage is on it's way south.

Women like sex. It's built into us. And if you are not convincing her that she is the most important object of your sexual attention, she will be unhappy.

Whatever do you want her to "dress up" for???? Most humans have sex naked. Do you want her to "dress up" so you can feel more comfortable "dressing up" when you have sex? Listen. Don't do that. Leave the crossdressing for private. If your object is just to "dress" and then have sex with your wife, you are just using her for a masturbatory outlet and believe me, SHE CAN TELL. We are not stupid, you know. We have feelings AND we have brains.

S

[BRANDYJ]

To answer your header question: yes it's bad to get more pleasure out of dressing then having sex with your wife. If that's the way you feel, no wonder you can't compromise! No wonder you are arguing!

Gina, you did not say what the arguments are about. Is it about the lack of sex? Or are you arguing over others things other then your sex life, or lack there of? Is it about your CDing?
So here is what I'm hearing....You want to enhance your sex life with your wife by her "compromising" and letting you dress up for sex. You are upset that she does not want to. How about you finding other ways to enhance your sex life with her? Make the sex all about her and not about you and your CDing. How about trying some simple romantic things to make her feel special. Fix her a nice candle lit dinner, draw her a nice bubble bath with the room lit only by candles and some soft romantic music playing in the background. Most women want to be romanced and be put in the mood for sex with some thoughtful loving things done just for them by their husband. Send her some flowers to where she works...for no reason other then to say I love you. Sex becoming routine is the fault of both partners, not one. But each tend to blame the other and withhold when it is so routine. You use the word compromise.... Interesting. What are you doing to compromise? or are you mis-using the term meaning your wife won't do it your way?
I'd try some other tactics to get what you want. And the best tactic is to give 110% more then you expect.
Whatever you do, don't make the CDing a main issue or bone of contention with your wife. I assume she is accepting to some degree. Push the sex while dressed issue and that can do a 180 on you real fast. I wish you luck.

[Kate Simmons]

Sounds to me like it has more to do with the dynamics of your relationship than with CDing. The only way to truly assess if the needs of both of you are being met is to have honest discussions with one another.:)

[Marleena]

I have to agree with leaving CDing out of the equation with having sex with your wife. Most women want their man in the bedroom and no women's clothes on them and no reminders of CDing. Enjoying sex more dressed up by yourself is a bad sign for the marriage. You two need to find a compromise quick (listen to her). Good luck.

[kimdl93]

From what you've said, it seems she does compomise on things in the bedroom, so try to be appreciative of that even if it falls short of your ultimate desires. Instead of arguing, try to find out what she would like and do that.

[GinaM]

She doesnt know about my cding. I like her to get dressed up and look sexy but she always needs to compromise.

[Kaz]

She wants to be her own person and loved for that. You want her dressed up and sexy... but you are maybe through that stage of your relationship?

Stephanie has made the point that women like sex etc.. but libido changes over time and in any relationship. Sex becomes intimacy and intimacy becomes affection and friendship... not universally, but pretty much across the board. Men don't change the same way women do which is why we then have affairs etc...

CDing could be like having an affair, it is just that you are now 'her'? And if you find 'her' more fun that your wife... start asking the questions of yourself!

It is a complex world this... lots of differing motivations for what we do and how we do it... and lots we won't admit to!

[BRANDYJ]

She doesnt know about my cding. I like her to get dressed up and look sexy but she always needs to compromise.

Just what do you mean she always needs to compromise? Compromise about what?

[Beverley Sims]

I have to agree with leaving CDing out of the equation with having sex with your wife. Most women want their man in the bedroom and no women's clothes on them and no reminders of CDing. Enjoying sex more dressed up by yourself is a bad sign for the marriage. You two need to find a compromise quick (listen to her). Good luck.
I mirror Marleena's reply on this.

[Stephanie47]

I am assuming that YOU are the one who thinks sex three or four times a months is not enough, and, not your wife. I checked your age (36). I've been there (36) and done that. At 36 we had two kids (ages 6 & 1). Wife (32) took care of two pre-school age kids. After a long day, did she always want to jump in the sack and do it? Another wifely chore? This guy wants me to dress up in sexy lingerie and be creative, yet! Ugh! Please, get it over.

You may want to consider your wife's desires. My suggestion, if you have kids, get grandma or auntie to watch them for a weekend. Go to the sea shore, the lake, the mountains. Let her sip a drink, ice tea. Let her read a book. I think your cross dressing may be trying to influence her wardrobe/bedroom attire. A hot babe stark naked and sweaty, slipping and sliding over your body will (hopefully) let you forget the packaging she came to bed in.

My wife and I use to have nice shopping trips (WITHOUT KIDS ALONG) shopping for lingerie. Again, a day of attention without kids.

Now, if you and her are childless, there may be a different underlying issue. Maybe she and you have different levels of need. Maybe, contrary to your belief, she is aware of your cross dressing. If that is so, then she may feel your intense desire for her to wear sexy lingerie is a substitute for you wearing lingerie to bed. She may feel her wearing lingerie is about YOU and not her!

If you are not sensitive to her desires, you and her are destined to have trouble. Marriage is a continuous negotiation and renegotiation of desires and goals.

[Foxglove]

Is it "bad"? What do you mean by "bad"? Morally wrong, i.e., something you should feel guilty about? I'm not sure. Harmful to your relationship? Sounds like it.

It does sound to me like you're thinking a lot more about what you want than what she wants. Maybe you need to try to see things from her point of view.

Best wishes, Annabelle

[sandra-leigh]

We have sex 3-4 times A MONTH and it is so not enough.

Here is something that it took me a lot of emotional trouble to learn:

No-one owes you sex. Not even your wife.

You need to learn to deal with your situation emotionally. Or you need to get out of the relationship.

I would recommend that you speak to a therapist. Don't leave the situation to stew, or you will end up angry and bitter like I did.

[Ms Mira]

While I don't necessarily think it's bad, persay, that you get more pleasure out of crossdressing than sex with your wife, it does sound like you could have a more rewarding sex life. But I think it's difficult to do so without being more open about your sexualities, having more of a dialogue. It sounds like she could open up a bit more in terms of trying new things, but obviously you haven't been totally open with her either. So, *shrug*.

[Tara D. Rose]

If your object is just to "dress" and then have sex with your wife, you are just using her for a masturbatory outlet and believe me, SHE CAN TELL. We are not stupid, you know. We have feelings AND we have brains.

S But isn't masterbation doing things only to yourself and no one else is invlolved?

[Stephenie S]

You want her dressed up and sexy...

Stephanie has made the point that women like sex etc.. but libido changes over time and in any relationship. Sex becomes intimacy and intimacy becomes affection and friendship... not universally, but pretty much across the board. Men don't change the same way women do which is why we then have affairs etc...

Oh PLEASE don't try and make this the woman's fault. She changes so you can go out and have an affair? I don't think so.

[Stephenie S]

But isn't masterbation doing things only to yourself and no one else is invlolved?

Exactly. If you get all dressed up and then come by sticking in her you are doing it ALL BY YOURSELF. And she can tell.

S

[busker]

I have no idea what is wrong with the sexual relation you have with your wife. But I can say with utmost conviction that if you are not holding up your end in the bedroom, your marriage is on it's way south.

Women like sex. It's built into us. And if you are not convincing her that she is the most important object of your sexual attention, she will be unhappy.

Whatever do you want her to "dress up" for???? Most humans have sex naked. Do you want her to "dress up" so you can feel more comfortable "dressing up" when you have sex? Listen. Don't do that. Leave the crossdressing for private. If your object is just to "dress" and then have sex with your wife, you are just using her for a masturbatory outlet and believe me, SHE CAN TELL. We are not stupid, you know. We have feelings AND we have brains.

S

That was my question as well and you hit the nail on the head with your answer. Brava!!!!!!!

[docrobbysherry]

The word "bad" is relative, Gina. If you're not getting along in the bedroom and out of "frustration" hook up with a woman at work, is THAT BAD? Despite the replies here that r all over the board, I believe MOST would say, "Yes"!

So, is sex with your fem alter ego WORSE than having an affair with a live person? I think most would say, "No"!

Let me add my experience. When a marriage starts going south, it usually ends up causing intimacy problems. But, the bedroom problems r USUALLY caused by a miriad of OTHER ISSUES! When my ex lost her interest in sex and intimacy, my interest in CDing grew. Altho, I didn't become romantically involved with Sherry until we separated. Like u, I think I would have thot it was "bad"!

Bottom line, it's probably BAD for your marriage! Otherwise, if it's, "bad", or not is your call!

[ReineD]

She may feel her wearing lingerie is about YOU and not her!

Wise words indeed.

Gina, if you enjoy solo sex dressed more than being with your wife because she doesn't conform to the image you want her to be, then eventually you will end up with a disconnected marriage.

If you're just starting down this path it may not be too late to change it. It will require you to learn to see your wife again and appreciate her for who she is. She will sense this and respond accordingly.

[KellyJameson]

This is a very tentative opinion so I may be way out in left field but I have been left with the distinct impression that many women do not like sex with men because men have sex like men and not like women.

Try enjoying her sexually as if you were a woman and think a little bit less about your own pleasure, this may seem counter intuitive to your needs but you may be surprised by the results.

[Marleena]

She doesnt know about my cding. I like her to get dressed up and look sexy but she always needs to compromise.

Now that you've added this info it changes the whole scenario. It sounds like she may feel like your are not getting getting turned on by her. Asking her to dress sexy is probably a letdown for her. Alpha males are supposed to be ready to go at the drop of a hat.:)

[Sophia Claire]

I'm willing to bet that if you drastically increase the amount of sex you have, some variations will come naturally. It's not good at all to not enjoy having sex with your SO. Sex is probably one of the finer things in life, and one of the most important things in a marriage, IMHO.

[Brenda79135]

Having a fem side that you please by yourself has created an addiction much like being addicted to porn. You expect a certain level of "dressing up" from your wife as the same as you do for yourself. She can not compete with your imagination if she doesn't know about your crossdressing. If you don't want to tell her about the dressing then don't, but don't hold her to the same standard that you have set for yourself. I have gone through this also. My wife and I finally sat down and wrote things out then discussed our feeling. We talked about out expectations and our dream dates. There for awhile I felt no more than just a machine going through the motions doing the same thing day after day and all I was the ATM (wife does not work). She does know about my dressing but had a don't touch me policy in place when I dressed. We finally got around that because I talked to her about it. The depression we were both feeling was causing us to become strangers to each other. Now that our feeling and our expectations are known to each other things have improved dramatically both in our relationship and in the bedroom. We have been married 29 years and we are still discovering things about each other. Just talk to her about it, DON'T ARGUE, talk.

[Shari]

First of all Gina, NO, it's not bad that you get more pleasure from dressing than with your wife. Anyone here who would pass judgment isn't walking in your heels and living in your marriage.
At 36 this shouldn't be happening to your marriage. We aren't getting all the information and I quite imagine it's so complicated, many would not take the time to read it all. Plus, we would need to hear your wife's side.
The "compromise" fascinates me. Almost sounds like a form of blackmail. None of this yoo-hoo until you give me this or that or do something for me in exchange. If that's so, that's much worse than any dressing.
You two need a quiet evening, a bottle of wine and a long and honest talk.

[NicoleScott]

She doesnt know about my cding. I like her to get dressed up and look sexy but she always needs to compromise.

After Gina's second post, I wonder if the wife getting dressed up is necessary for sexual arousal? (or at least so highly desired that it's disappointing without it)

[docrobbysherry]

After Gina's second post, I wonder if the wife getting dressed up is necessary for sexual arousal? (or at least so highly desired that it's disappointing without it)
Excellent point, Nicole. I assumed that's what Gina meant. After I was married awhile and my wife became, let's just say, much less sexually attractive to me, I didn't think about sex with her often. However, whenever she was in the mood she could easily kick start my motor!
Possibly Gina needs a kick start, too! And, if his wife isn't physically into that, maybe some sexy outfits on her will work? I'm NOT one to judge! Whatever works for u 2, do it! Sounds like she may not be very interested in sex, period!

As was mentioned above, communication could be a serious issue between Gina and her SO!

[Tina B.]

Gina who can say if it's bad or not, to many unknowns. Is your cross dressing, and how you feel getting in the way, or does you wife lack imagination in the bedroom, are the two of you fighting outside the bedroom, and then you want to forget it in bed, are either of you under a lot of stress, is the lack of sex, because no one makes that first move, or are you getting rejected, or is she? There are just to many things going on all at the same time, for strangers, to see all of it for themselves, we haven't heard all of your side, or any of hers. But to me, it's only bad, if you are bothered by it (and you seem to be) and if it's effecting your wife negatively, and therefore your marriage. If that's the case, and you want to fix it, you may need outside help, as in a marriage counselor, or some one the two of you can talk to that might give you a third, and impartial view. The other fix of course means finding a good lawyer, and end a bad situation, if you are unhappy, and see no way to make a change in the relationship. Everybody deserves to take a shot at finding true happiness, both you and her.
Tina B.

[GinaM]

Let me clarify a few things. I LOVE my wife and am TOTALLY attracted to her. I'm just frustrated that we don't have sex more often. When we DO have sex it's usually great. I don't have her dress up all the time but from time to time we like to mix it up. We sat down last night and had a talk about this and it all boils down to stress. I can totally understand this as we're going thru a TON of stress right now so it all really makes sense. I think the dressing just helps me get thru the dry spell.

[Tara D. Rose]

Exactly. If you get all dressed up and then come by sticking in her you are doing it ALL BY YOURSELF. And she can tell.


S oh come on StephanieS, Come on. You agreed with me what masturbation is as I described. I mean do we need a dictionary? We all know that Santa has reindeer, and a person named obama is president, you claim that if a cd that is sexually aroused, and, as you said, sticks it, in her, is still masturbating??????
I used to think that I was so misunderstood, just because of typed words, but I cannot see how you will disagree with me about the definition of "masturbation"? If a cd is aroused and sticks it, there with his/her partner, as you stated, you are telling me that it is still masturbation???
My goodness, I used to lie up at night thinking it is me and that I may be wrong. But now you have proven to me, tonight that it isn't me. Masturbation is by yourself, and yet you tell me that if a turned on CD sticks his thing into her, he is still masturbating???
How much simpler can it get? and yet you still tell me that I have the definition of that wrong. Thank you so much, I used to think that even I possibly ,could be, may be, wrong just with giving an opinion, now you tell me, yes you have told me, with your words just that and I'm breaking it down for you, that a penis in a vagina can still be masturbation, ????
Well is the woman alive? That would be a form of masturbation, I guess. Get real with me girl. Are you saying though that if a CD gets all dressed up, and/ or looks at some porn, and gets very turned on, and then gets with his/her wife and inserts "P" into "V" ,,,that it is still masturbation??
If you say yes, then I rest my case, we, as CD's don't have a chance in this cyberness. I used to think I may have done wrong on here a few times, but if you hold a stronghold to this, well,,,,,,,,,,, well….all I can say is well??
My wife will watch porn sometimes by herself, I don't care, and if she jumps me, and needs me, and we indulge, and I help put out her fire, or put out her fire, it is not masturbation. Can I be any clearer? Will you come back and tell me that under those circumstances, that a "P" in a "V" is masturbation????
If you say yes it is, then I will have to think,,, and I may be wrong, but I think that some and not all cd's may grin just a little. This definition of yours goes so far over the top of any understandings conceivable. Are you being coached by some to just disagree with Tara??
Masturbation is self gratification sexually, it is done all by yourself. If it involves another person, and especially if it involves inserting a "P" into a "V",then it is not masturbation.
I know,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, no,,,,,, ,,I think you may come back and tell me that it is just as you say. But Tara isn't wrong this time. Masturbation is not a matter of opinion, but masturbation is a defined sexual act that is done when you are alone or doing it in front of another..
My damn.

[Marleena]

Let me clarify a few things. I LOVE my wife and am TOTALLY attracted to her. I'm just frustrated that we don't have sex more often. When we DO have sex it's usually great. I don't have her dress up all the time but from time to time we like to mix it up. We sat down last night and had a talk about this and it all boils down to stress. I can totally understand this as we're going thru a TON of stress right now so it all really makes sense. I think the dressing just helps me get thru the dry spell.

So the replies need to change yet again..

Gina had you said all this in the beginning it would have been much easier for everybody. So you are not getting enough sex so getting dressed up made up for lack of sex.

[candra]

Do you think if you had more sex with your wife you would not dress as often? i am very curious how/if the 2 are related.

my wife and i have great sex and just realized the best sex if when i have not dressed. i am afraid it i dress more our sex life will be reduced to 3-4times a month like yours.

very worried,
candra

[Stephenie S]

oh come on StephanieS, Come on. You agreed with me what masturbation is as I described. I mean do we need a dictionary? We all know that Santa has reindeer, and a person named obama is president, you claim that if a cd that is sexually aroused, and, as you said, sticks it, in her, is still masturbating??????
I used to think that I was so misunderstood, just because of typed words, but I cannot see how you will disagree with me about the definition of "masturbation"? If a cd is aroused and sticks it, there with his/her partner, as you stated, you are telling me that it is still masturbation???
My goodness, I used to lie up at night thinking it is me and that I may be wrong. But now you have proven to me, tonight that it isn't me. Masturbation is by yourself, and yet you tell me that if a turned on CD sticks his thing into her, he is still masturbating???
How much simpler can it get? and yet you still tell me that I have the definition of that wrong. Thank you so much, I used to think that even I possibly ,could be, may be, wrong just with giving an opinion, now you tell me, yes you have told me, with your words just that and I'm breaking it down for you, that a penis in a vagina can still be masturbation, ????
Well is the woman alive? That would be a form of masturbation, I guess. Get real with me girl. Are you saying though that if a CD gets all dressed up, and/ or looks at some porn, and gets very turned on, and then gets with his/her wife and inserts "P" into "V" ,,,that it is still masturbation??
If you say yes, then I rest my case, we, as CD's don't have a chance in this cyberness. I used to think I may have done wrong on here a few times, but if you hold a stronghold to this, well,,,,,,,,,,, well….all I can say is well??
My wife will watch porn sometimes by herself, I don't care, and if she jumps me, and needs me, and we indulge, and I help put out her fire, or put out her fire, it is not masturbation. Can I be any clearer? Will you come back and tell me that under those circumstances, that a "P" in a "V" is masturbation????
If you say yes it is, then I will have to think,,, and I may be wrong, but I think that some and not all cd's may grin just a little. This definition of yours goes so far over the top of any understandings conceivable. Are you being coached by some to just disagree with Tara??
Masturbation is self gratification sexually, it is done all by yourself. If it involves another person, and especially if it involves inserting a "P" into a "V",then it is not masturbation.
I know,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, no,,,,,, ,,I think you may come back and tell me that it is just as you say. But Tara isn't wrong this time. Masturbation is not a matter of opinion, but masturbation is a defined sexual act that is done when you are alone or doing it in front of another..
My damn.

Yeah, I was exaggerating a little. But I do think there is a bit of truth in what I said.

Using another person for little more than the "bung hole" in the gay club bathroom stall is not that much different from masturbation. And it doesn't take a woman much effort to tell that this is what's going on.

Now it turns out that we all misunderstood the OP. Too bad we didn't have more info in the beginning.

S

[TGMarla]

Hi. I'd say that there's absolutely nothing at all wrong with deriving greater sexual gratification from your crossdressing than you do than you do when you have sex with your wife. It means nothing at all about your relationship or the love you have for her. There are lots of different kinds of sex, all of which nail us in some brain center in our heads. Sometimes it's more intense and gratifying than at other times, and for many different reasons. Right now, the whole thing is triggered by crossdressing more than with regular sex. That doesn't mean that it'll stay that way. And even if it does, it doesn't mean that you love your wife any less.

Huh. Imagine this lot trying to tell you what's normal!

Snicker!

[Ms Mira]

Well, if your sexuality is deeply tied together with your crossdressing (and hey, that's part of being Mira for me)...

And you don't crossdress when you have sex with your wife...

Maybe it's not a surprise that you get more sexual gratification out of dressing than sex. You shouldn't think of it as a "bad" thing. You should just look at what this is telling you.

[Alice Torn]

Though single, I can relate some. For decades, i wanted to get married so very badly, it was killing me! I came close once, but, realized i was too poor to support a wife, and two kids. I still regret not going forward, and marrying her anyway. To tell the honest truth, I don't find the vast majority of gg's very attractive , and ladylike, anymore! Sorry to say this, but must be HONEST. I don't find men attractive much either. I have lost almost all my desire to be married, unless a VERY unusual, bright, humble, and ladylike lady comes along. I don't like the way women dress anymore, in 90% of the cases. I can see where i would have the same problem you have, enjoying dress up time, more than sex with a wife. It would take a very rare lady, to change that.

[TGMarla]

Ironic, isn't it, that we are bombarded with sexual images from a young age, yet often tend to have sex in the dark. Of course crossdressing, a highly vision/image driven activity, is going to be stimulating.

Duh.

[ReineD]

Using another person for little more than the "bung hole" in the gay club bathroom stall is not that much different from masturbation. And it doesn't take a woman much effort to tell that this is what's going on.

Now it turns out that we all misunderstood the OP. Too bad we didn't have more info in the beginning.

I've got to say that you've got very good insight about how GGs feel and what you say is entirely true. A woman can feel the difference between a man who is passionately into her, and someone who is doing the deed while thinking of something else.

And yes, it is possible to have sex with someone but have it feel as if they are still disconnected.

[Stephenie S]

Thank you, Reine.

Stephenie

[docrobbysherry]

But dear, I am a woman.S
And, I'm definitely NOT a women! However, I still notice a wide range of excitement and intensity in orgasms. As far as masturbation goes, my shower quickies r just that. Or, they don't happen at all. They depend on mental images.

As Sherry, without the details, I'll just say they take much longer and r more intense! Both visual and mental images r involved.

My last attempts with GGs did not result in climax. I think lack of previous intimate experience with them may have an issue for me? I never have used mental images when I'm with someone. Even with my ex.

[Alice Torn]

I agree very much with TGMarla.

[Foxglove]

Ironic, isn't it, that we are bombarded with sexual images from a young age, yet often tend to have sex in the dark.

Perhaps that's because very few of us come even close to matching the images we're bombarded with.

[GingerLeigh]

If the only way you can get interested in sex with your wife is though dressing, your wife will feel like a toy instead of the object of your desire. She will understandably not want you to dress and will press you to see if you still find her desirable. If you are in a straight monogamous relationship (only like the ladies), there may be something else at play. Like others said before, the crossdressing is a crutch to get you "interested" in sex and you have since lost the desire for your wife for other reasons. Find out what that is and rectify it before it is too late.

Just my thoughts, I could be all wet on this....

Ginger

[Silentpartner GG SO]

My understanding of the situation is that your wife doesnt know about your dressing, you want to have sex more regularly with your wife and you want her to dress up sexy etc.

I'm thinking that secretly you would like to have sex with your wife whilst you are dressed but because this is out of the question you are trying to live that fantasy vicariously by trying to get your wife to dress for sex the way you would like really to dress yourself.

I could be wrong but that's the way I'm reading this..

[Eryn]

I'm far from an expert, but one thing that has not really been addressed here is the differing views of sex. Men tend to focus on the act while women seem to view it in a much broader sense of the whole experience of being intimate with another person. This experience might start well before the bedroom is entered. Perhaps it would be best not to worry about the act so much and concentrate on what it is that makes your wife happy. If she's happy, the rest will likely fall into place.

Concerning the thread title, I don't even think that I can compare the two. It's like comparing apples to motorcycling. Without a common basis of comparison how does one judge which is better?

[muzzy]

Yes,i seem to have more pleasure with myself xoxo

[GinaM]

My understanding of the situation is that your wife doesnt know about your dressing, you want to have sex more regularly with your wife and you want her to dress up sexy etc.

I'm thinking that secretly you would like to have sex with your wife whilst you are dressed but because this is out of the question you are trying to live that fantasy vicariously by trying to get your wife to dress for sex the way you would like really to dress yourself.

I could be wrong but that's the way I'm reading this..

NOPE. I find my wife very attractive and I love when she gets dressed up for me. It makes the experience that much better. My wife dresses really conservatively so when she gets dolled up it's just absolutely AWESOME. I'm attracted to my wife and I don't have a fantasy where I would get dressed up as would she. Crossdressing is a very small part of my life and as things with it started getting stronger this past week I have no desire at all to dress. It's something that comes and goes and sometimes it goes for months and/or years. This isn't something I do everyday or every week.

[AberdeenQueen]

I was in the same boat... My wife knew but didn't agree or allow any CD behavior. She was a great spouse in every single other way and I loved her like crazy for 17 years, till she passed away of cancer at 52. So now I will not have a relationship again without their buyin. Any woman balks at it, she's just not for me. The best sex I evr had, what I call "Oh my GOD sex" was with a man, dressed up. It makes all the difference in the world to be dressed and be with someone who knows how to turn a man on. It has been extreemely rare in my life and may still be in the future because I will be very very safe and slow, making friends before things get wild... I'm in no rush and still "in the closet" with a 16 YO daughter at home. She wants to go to pre med and so will be moving out for her 1st year of college, then I can "Take a CD roomate" or whatever... for a free-er lifestyle. But till she finishes HS and doesn't have to be in my face, I don't want to chance the bare naked truth with her. I still have a tremendous amount of freedom, relatively speaking. I can plan parties in my RV at a local park from time to time, when she is sleeping over a friends house for total anomonity from neighbors, etc... But I am not surprised... Sex was the only compatability issue with my wife because of the CD rub. And I can see her point of view also... People can be afraid of what they don't understand. If she really understood it, she would be allot less tense and accepting I bet.

Yeah, I agree. But I couldn't get my wife to get dressed up without her getting very tense... and I loved her so, I just let it go. Not such a big deal... there are so many facets to the relationship, so the sex wasn't outstanding... everything else was.

[ReineD]

NOPE. Crossdressing is a very small part of my life and as things with it started getting stronger this past week I have no desire at all to dress. It's something that comes and goes and sometimes it goes for months and/or years. This isn't something I do everyday or every week.

Maybe it's the Venus & Mars thing (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Men_Are_from_Mars,_Women_Are_from_Venus), but I don't understand why you prefer sex while dressed alone, to sex with your wife if the CDing is only a small part of your life. Sex is a pretty big facet of any relationship, especially when a husband decides to focus his sexual energy outside of the relationship with his wife.

If your wife's libido has dwindled, maybe it is because she feels the disconnect. At the very least you need to talk to her about what's going on else I can't see the situation improving.


She was a great spouse in every single other way and I loved her like crazy for 17 years, till she passed away of cancer at 52.

I'm sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with both you and your daughter.

But I've got to say, (and maybe I don't get it because it's another Venus & Mars thing (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Men_Are_from_Mars,_Women_Are_from_Venus)), you've lost your wife of 17 years and you say the best sex you ever had was with a man? And further you're planning now for the time when your 16 year old daughter is gone to take in a "CD roommate", and in the meantime you're planning parties in your RV when your daughter is away on sleepovers?

Honestly I wonder where your priorities are. At the least you might have kept the details of your sex life for another thread in which you did not discuss your wife's death or post about doing things behind your daughter's back.

[Vickie_CDTV]

Maybe it's the Venus & Mars thing (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Men_Are_from_Mars,_Women_Are_from_Venus), but I don't understand why you prefer sex while dressed alone, to sex with your wife if the CDing is only a small part of your life. Sex is a pretty big facet of any relationship, especially when a husband decides to focus his sexual energy outside of the relationship with his wife.


At the risk of stating the obvious, it is easy, satisfying, there is no stress to please another person and it creates no feelings of obligation to another person. (I know all about problems with obligation too well.) Don't misunderstand, I say this as someone who is dying to love another person again. Heck, I'd be absolutely thrilled to have intimacy with someone else just three to four times a YEAR, dressed or not :sad:

[Wildaboutheels]

FACT: Women can be "thrown off their sex drive" much easier than men. For all kinds of reasons.

FACT: Women are physically designed to have a much harder time reaching orgasm than men. [when having an orgasm WITH a partner] Just good ol Evolution at work.

Also, some women can become accustomed to "faking them" IF a guy never figures out what she needs OR she can't/won't tell him.

^^^ None of this has anything to do with CDing but is something you should keep in mind.

So, YES, at times, it might be better for a man [OR a woman] to literally take matters into their own hands if they have an itch.

[Momarie]

oh come on StephanieS, Come on. You agreed with me what masturbation is as I described. I mean do we need a dictionary? We all know that Santa has reindeer, and a person named obama is president, you claim that if a cd that is sexually aroused, and, as you said, sticks it, in her, is still masturbating??????
I used to think that I was so misunderstood, just because of typed words, but I cannot see how you will disagree with me about the definition of "masturbation"? If a cd is aroused and sticks it, there with his/her partner, as you stated, you are telling me that it is still masturbation???
My goodness, I used to lie up at night thinking it is me and that I may be wrong. But now you have proven to me, tonight that it isn't me. Masturbation is by yourself, and yet you tell me that if a turned on CD sticks his thing into her, he is still masturbating???
How much simpler can it get? and yet you still tell me that I have the definition of that wrong. Thank you so much, I used to think that even I possibly ,could be, may be, wrong just with giving an opinion, now you tell me, yes you have told me, with your words just that and I'm breaking it down for you, that a penis in a vagina can still be masturbation, ????
Well is the woman alive? That would be a form of masturbation, I guess. Get real with me girl. Are you saying though that if a CD gets all dressed up, and/ or looks at some porn, and gets very turned on, and then gets with his/her wife and inserts "P" into "V" ,,,that it is still masturbation??
If you say yes, then I rest my case, we, as CD's don't have a chance in this cyberness. I used to think I may have done wrong on here a few times, but if you hold a stronghold to this, well,,,,,,,,,,, well….all I can say is well??
My wife will watch porn sometimes by herself, I don't care, and if she jumps me, and needs me, and we indulge, and I help put out her fire, or put out her fire, it is not masturbation. Can I be any clearer? Will you come back and tell me that under those circumstances, that a "P" in a "V" is masturbation????
If you say yes it is, then I will have to think,,, and I may be wrong, but I think that some and not all cd's may grin just a little. This definition of yours goes so far over the top of any understandings conceivable. Are you being coached by some to just disagree with Tara??
Masturbation is self gratification sexually, it is done all by yourself. If it involves another person, and especially if it involves inserting a "P" into a "V",then it is not masturbation.
I know,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, no,,,,,, ,,I think you may come back and tell me that it is just as you say. But Tara isn't wrong this time. Masturbation is not a matter of opinion, but masturbation is a defined sexual act that is done when you are alone or doing it in front of another..
My damn.

It's really sad Tara, that you don't understand even in the most elemental way, how a woman feels.

Stephanie S hit the nail on the head...we can tell the difference.

[NicoleScott]

AberdeenQueen, everything in your post (#51) was relevant to the thread topic, and criticism of it was a bit unfair in my opinion. I liked the honesty, telling your situation as it was and as it is. Anyway....
For some, sex is very important in their marriage. It will be difficult for some to understand that for some marriages, great sex isn't a requirement for a great marriage. Likewise, some couples that have great sex can have a lousy marriage. Sex is only one of many factors, and vary in importance for different marriages.

[CaitlynRenee]

Interesting thread. People change over time, some become more intimate, some less so. Some people take to skydiving too. Over 33 years of living with the same woman and falling in love with her everyday, I think I know why MY SO has slowed down sexually. That doesn't make her any less desireable to me but it does leave me 'high and dry'. After two kids (one a mystery baby at the age of 42, in England and we just KNEW it wasn't jet lag or the water), a career that takes 12 to 14 hours out of her day, we grab what ever time we can grab just to be in the same room with each other. Having been through all of this and still doing the career thing, being 62 years old and years past the big 'M' (she looks better than and out works any 30 year old), my lady prefers the idea of just 'aging gracefully'. Sex is not a priority for her though my personal sex drive is still about what it was when I was 20. She is TIRED and I really mean exhausted at the end of the day. She is also aware of my high sex drive. So what to do?? My Love is more than aware of and approving of my proclivity for feminine attire (Mainly under dressing and it is NOT an intrusive part of the bedroom scene). She herself has bought me clothing made of the softer, more feminine fabric, saying it is a shame that my skin has to be subjected to the rough fabric that most mens clothing is made of. She even bought me a really nice nylon tricot sleep ensemble two days ago. Said the top was for her and the bottoms were for me. With her, it is the painfulness of intercourse that even personal lubricants can't always take care of that seems to be part of the problem.

MY response?? I do everything I can to make her life easier and stressfree. A weekend at the beach, time in the country, a clean house, a warm meal prepared by me or our daughter when she is home from University, a glass of wine. At night, a long hot tub, all over massage, etc. Yes, it is frustrating for me when she falls asleep and leaves me 'high and dry' after she has gently had her satisfaction. I could go somewhere else I suppose, but since this began over 10 years ago, I haven't. Many opportunities, even from her co-workers and close friends who are aware of the situation have presented themselves. Temptation is always there. Even old friends of mine from high school days (really pretty ladies) have made the offer. I have a really vivid imagination though and have been able to take care of 'business' on my own. No,it isn't the ideal, but I have a beautiful, fine lady that I love very much. She understands me, I understand her, we have two great kids (my daughter is TG and knows I CD) and a good life. I can indulge my feminine side whenever I wish, inside or outside the house.

I'm at peace I suppose.

I wish you well in finding your peace and fulfillment.

So absolutely true. If both great sex and a great marriage share the same relationship, that's fine. If it's not to be, one has to weigh which is more important.

[ReineD]

AberdeenQueen, everything in your post (#51) was relevant to the thread topic, and criticism of it was a bit unfair in my opinion. I liked the honesty, telling your situation as it was and as it is. Anyway....

Since when is it unfair for members to give their opinions? If you were a GG reading that post you'd find a lot to criticize as well. You're not, hence my observation this may be a "Venus and Mars" thing, meaning that men and women are on entirely different planes with their thinking.



For some, sex is very important in their marriage. It will be difficult for some to understand that for some marriages, great sex isn't a requirement for a great marriage. Likewise, some couples that have great sex can have a lousy marriage. Sex is only one of many factors, and vary in importance for different marriages.

If after a 17 year marriage my SO said to someone that he had loved me dearly but the best sex he had ever had was a one night stand with a man, I should hope this person might ask him if he didn't think that was a very sad comment to make. Women are sexual creatures too, and when they're not, there's a reason.

[Babeba]

I get the impression that you try and get your wife to dress up in order to get the most out of your sessions of passion... And I can see trying to make the most of it, when you get it... But to your wife, it probably seems like she isn't important other than as a warm blooded mannequin holding up lingerie you like.

It is possible that she doesn't have sex with you more often because she doesn't feel desired or wanted enough. What if you fixed one problem at a time, starting with communication? Talk about why your frequency of sex is the way it is. If there is an issue in the way, deal with it. Then you can work on increasing the frequency of sex, and then try to see if you can do a dressed up sex once you have had plenty of the normal sex that your wife likes. It is important though to make sure she is feeling desired even when dressed up.

[GBJoker]

Yes, it is bad to get more pleasure out of dressing than out of sex.

I could type out a huge essay and discuss the various side topics that have inevitably sprung up during the course of this thread, but really... It all boils down to one simple truth. And really, if my language bothers you, better /ignore me now.

People taking shit for granted. Not appreciating what lucky crap they have in their lives, etc.

[Tara D. Rose]

It's really sad Tara, that you don't understand even in the most elemental way, how a woman feels.

Stephanie S hit the nail on the head...we can tell the difference.
Yes I do Momarie. But the definition of masterbation does not become different just because what gender is speaking of the definition of masterbation.
And of how a woman feels, I follow what Stepfanie S was saying and of how when a cd gets sexually arroused and then comes to her for releif that she can resent that the cd is using her and that she may resent that it wasn't her that got him in the arroused state. I feel you there. But wouldn't it be the same if a wife sees a show on tv or she goes out with the girls, or if a wife watches some porn one night and she becomes arroused and intitiates love making with her husband, is she using him the same way. Isn't a wife or husband or partner supposed to be there for the other one when one partner finds themselves arroused and comes to thier partner, even if it wasn't thier partner that got them sexually arroused? I think, of course, yes, but it is not masterbation, that was all I was saying. I've had my wife wake me up to initiate loving from me, just after she has had a dream about another,I don't feel insulted nor used in those scenerios, it is good for both of us, M'bation is not what it is. I do connect and understand a women's feelings in this, I feel I come closer to that by being a cd myself.

[ReineD]

But wouldn't it be the same if a wife sees a show on tv or she goes out with the girls, or if a wife watches some porn one night and she becomes arroused and intitiates love making with her husband, is she using him the same way.

It's not a simple answer because it's all a matter of degree. Yes, both men and women get turned on by many things including fetish wear or some fetish activities, or porn, etc, and these things are used to spice up their sex lives. This is fine. But when one partner is into a fetish to the point it has become a paraphilia (he simply can't orgasm without it, or sex without the fetish is flat, or in the OP's case he prefers the fetish to having sex with his wife), then the couple has an issue if the wife isn't into the fetish as much as he is. She begins to feel like an accessory.

So no, it's not the same thing.

[NathalieX66]

It's not a simple answer because it's all a matter of degree. Yes, both men and women get turned on by many things including fetish wear or some fetish activities, or porn, etc, and these things are used to spice up their sex lives. This is fine. But when one partner is into a fetish to the point it has become a paraphilia (he simply can't orgasm without it, or sex without the fetish is flat, or in the OP's case he prefers the fetish to having sex with his wife), then the couple has an issue if the wife isn't into the fetish as much as he is. She begins to feel like an accessory.

So no, it's not the same thing.

Best answer. .....very smart, very true.
there is a distinct, may I say thick, line between paraphilia and gender identity.
I love being a girl in the deepest public spectrum, it is me. I want and need no sexual aspect of it. I merely want to be on the girls team. that's a gender identity issue.

[neverwasaboy]

IMHGSO, NOT AT ALL....but now for the disclosure: I am long on-, whoops, wrong forum! Okay now, I might be a bit biased because I never got married (I'm 52) and never even had a girlfriend because doing so would have interfered with my extremely indulgent crossdressing! Serious! Yep, and in fact, I dated less than a dozen times in my life because almost each of every date I did go on DID keep me from crossdressing and hence, after the some-odth time I decided I would have no more of that and that absolutely nothing would ever again (as long as I could help it) keep me from my unquestionably-most-favorite activity in all of life in all the world!

But that said, I also have an [almost] pre-packaged response to such a question that even hints at involving those nasty words (non-words in my vocabulary!): could[have], should[have] sort-of 'is it right or wrong; bad or good, okay or not okay' can-o'-mincing, effeminate worms: Bad by who's definition!? Good by who's definition? It all relates to that rote, concrete, solid bottom line: If it makes you happy, hurts no one and causes you no grief or stress...danged right it is GOOD! Ya know what I means, Sis? like the gist of what I'm trying to say? Even more simplified: remember that old catch phrase from - when was it? the 70s?: "If it feels good, do it."