Foxglove
06-18-2012, 10:57 AM
Ah yes, if only I could be 10 years old again, I’d have the chance to learn some truly important life skills that long ago I never knew I was going to need. If you’re going to be a woman, you need to learn how to be one while you’re still a girl. And not surprisingly, I failed to anticipate that need a long time ago. There are certain matters in which a good education is absolutely essential.
[1] Dealing with long nails. If you have long nails, when you put moisturizer on your face, the cream gets under the ends of your nails. So you have to remember to clean under them. When the jar is full, you can of course skim your fingertip along the surface of the cream. But as the jar empties, you have no choice but to plunge your finger in at a perpendicular angle, thereby getting the cream under your nails. Or perhaps there is some other method. I bet women know some way of putting moisturizer on their face without getting it under their nails. Women know important stuff.
Also with long nails, it becomes harder to type, to key in a number on your mobile phone, etc. Even things you’d think would be easier, e.g., getting a stubborn CD out of its case, are actually harder for some reason. Probably because you can’t apply as much force with your nails as you can with your fingertips. But if I were 10, I’d learn how to deal with these little annoyances.
[2] Blowing your nose. How do you blow your nose without smearing your make-up? I will send any woman (GG or TG) a cheque for €1000 if she can give me the answer to this question. Guys are disqualified, even if you know the answer. I don’t trust you.
[3] Brushing your teeth. You’ve got to watch the make-up. Forget about your lipstick. You’re going to have to redo it. But don’t let the toothpaste dribble down your chin. And if you have long hair, don’t let it fall down in front of your mouth. The easiest way to keep toothpaste from dribbling down your chin is to bend over the sink. But then your hair falls down in front of your face.
[4] Learning to tie your hair with a hair-band or ribbon so you can bend over the sink while you’re brushing your teeth without your hair falling down in your face.
[5] Eating. You have to keep your hair out of your face. If you’re a sloppy eater in a guy-mode, you’d want to correct that in girl-mode. There are certain foods you have to avoid—like hamburgers and pizza. It would take a lot of practice to be able to eat stuff like that in girl-mode. That’s why I’d like to be 10 years old: I haven’t had a hamburger or pizza since I don’t know when. I recently saw the film “Something’s Gotta Give”, and I took note of the bit where Jack Nicholson told Diane Keaton, “Women don’t eat on dates.” Now I know why.
[6] Glasses. Now I know why women don’t like wearing them. It’s not just that they’re not cool. They partially hide and totally distort your eye make-up. And you’ve gone to so much trouble to put it on. In particular, you’ve gone to all the trouble of mastering the difficult art of applying mascara. And when you’ve achieved that feat, by golly, you want people to take notice.
True, you can try contact lenses, which I’ve never done because my eyes are extremely sensitive. They tear up at the slightest excuse—e.g., when I’m trying to put on eyeliner. But if I were 10 years old, I’d learn how to make my eyes stop doing that. Because there are certain bits of nonsense that a woman simply will not tolerate (any guy who’s ever been in the company of a woman for more than three hours will know this), and I would learn how to make my eyes do what they’re told.
[7] Pockets. Skirts and dresses don’t have them. So where do you put your stuff? Yes, I know, it goes in a purse. But when you’re used to having stuff right there conveniently in your pockets, having to go digging through a purse requires a real change of mentality. And then where do you put your hands? (No, you don’t keep them in your purse instead of your pockets. Jesus, do I have to tell you everything?)
[8] I wouldn’t be constantly stroking my chin or scratching my temple as a sign of my deep thought and wisdom. How much wisdom do you have at the age of 10? Since you haven’t already acquired the unattractive habits of chin-stroking and temple-scratching, it’s your chance not to pick them up.
[9] And while we’re talking about scratching, we should mention scratching an itch. Women don’t do it as often as men, and when they do, it’s always in a discreet and lady-like fashion. E.g., they don’t contort themselves into a pretzel trying to reach that hard-to-get-at spot below the shoulder blade (at least not in public). If you ignore an itch, it usually goes away eventually. But don’t be squirming about uncomfortably while you’re supposedly ignoring an itch. Women don’t squirm (except when they’re watching some jerk behaving really immaturely).
[10] Finally I could observe my sister and mother properly and learn all sorts of things I stupidly failed to observe first time around. Also, I’d have the chance to ask them some truly useful questions. E.g., “Mom, why do you put your perfume on your wrists and behind your ears? I mean, that’s OK with me. That’s where I put it, and I don’t complain. But why, Mom, why? Huh, why?”
Best wishes, Annabelle
[1] Dealing with long nails. If you have long nails, when you put moisturizer on your face, the cream gets under the ends of your nails. So you have to remember to clean under them. When the jar is full, you can of course skim your fingertip along the surface of the cream. But as the jar empties, you have no choice but to plunge your finger in at a perpendicular angle, thereby getting the cream under your nails. Or perhaps there is some other method. I bet women know some way of putting moisturizer on their face without getting it under their nails. Women know important stuff.
Also with long nails, it becomes harder to type, to key in a number on your mobile phone, etc. Even things you’d think would be easier, e.g., getting a stubborn CD out of its case, are actually harder for some reason. Probably because you can’t apply as much force with your nails as you can with your fingertips. But if I were 10, I’d learn how to deal with these little annoyances.
[2] Blowing your nose. How do you blow your nose without smearing your make-up? I will send any woman (GG or TG) a cheque for €1000 if she can give me the answer to this question. Guys are disqualified, even if you know the answer. I don’t trust you.
[3] Brushing your teeth. You’ve got to watch the make-up. Forget about your lipstick. You’re going to have to redo it. But don’t let the toothpaste dribble down your chin. And if you have long hair, don’t let it fall down in front of your mouth. The easiest way to keep toothpaste from dribbling down your chin is to bend over the sink. But then your hair falls down in front of your face.
[4] Learning to tie your hair with a hair-band or ribbon so you can bend over the sink while you’re brushing your teeth without your hair falling down in your face.
[5] Eating. You have to keep your hair out of your face. If you’re a sloppy eater in a guy-mode, you’d want to correct that in girl-mode. There are certain foods you have to avoid—like hamburgers and pizza. It would take a lot of practice to be able to eat stuff like that in girl-mode. That’s why I’d like to be 10 years old: I haven’t had a hamburger or pizza since I don’t know when. I recently saw the film “Something’s Gotta Give”, and I took note of the bit where Jack Nicholson told Diane Keaton, “Women don’t eat on dates.” Now I know why.
[6] Glasses. Now I know why women don’t like wearing them. It’s not just that they’re not cool. They partially hide and totally distort your eye make-up. And you’ve gone to so much trouble to put it on. In particular, you’ve gone to all the trouble of mastering the difficult art of applying mascara. And when you’ve achieved that feat, by golly, you want people to take notice.
True, you can try contact lenses, which I’ve never done because my eyes are extremely sensitive. They tear up at the slightest excuse—e.g., when I’m trying to put on eyeliner. But if I were 10 years old, I’d learn how to make my eyes stop doing that. Because there are certain bits of nonsense that a woman simply will not tolerate (any guy who’s ever been in the company of a woman for more than three hours will know this), and I would learn how to make my eyes do what they’re told.
[7] Pockets. Skirts and dresses don’t have them. So where do you put your stuff? Yes, I know, it goes in a purse. But when you’re used to having stuff right there conveniently in your pockets, having to go digging through a purse requires a real change of mentality. And then where do you put your hands? (No, you don’t keep them in your purse instead of your pockets. Jesus, do I have to tell you everything?)
[8] I wouldn’t be constantly stroking my chin or scratching my temple as a sign of my deep thought and wisdom. How much wisdom do you have at the age of 10? Since you haven’t already acquired the unattractive habits of chin-stroking and temple-scratching, it’s your chance not to pick them up.
[9] And while we’re talking about scratching, we should mention scratching an itch. Women don’t do it as often as men, and when they do, it’s always in a discreet and lady-like fashion. E.g., they don’t contort themselves into a pretzel trying to reach that hard-to-get-at spot below the shoulder blade (at least not in public). If you ignore an itch, it usually goes away eventually. But don’t be squirming about uncomfortably while you’re supposedly ignoring an itch. Women don’t squirm (except when they’re watching some jerk behaving really immaturely).
[10] Finally I could observe my sister and mother properly and learn all sorts of things I stupidly failed to observe first time around. Also, I’d have the chance to ask them some truly useful questions. E.g., “Mom, why do you put your perfume on your wrists and behind your ears? I mean, that’s OK with me. That’s where I put it, and I don’t complain. But why, Mom, why? Huh, why?”
Best wishes, Annabelle