Is having no interest normal?

[Xrys]

I have never been interested in an intimate relationship, in a spouse, in romance, in having children. Is this normal? Don't we all need someone to love? Why am I not interested? Why does it seem that I am the only person on this plannet that is OK with the idea of dieing still a vergin?

I don't understand why people try so hard at finding a significant other. I don't understand most men's need to "score." I don't understand our society's obsession with sex and romance. Why is it such a big deal to everybodyelse but me? It is not like my parents had a bad relationship or anything, they were verry happy together until my father passed 7 years ago.

Is my disintrest a symptom of my disphoria? Once I transition, will I want a relationship, or are the two completely unrelated?

I have no interest in any relationship that is more than just being friends. I am 27, and have never so much as have even gone on a single date. I have never kissed anyone. Am I the only one who feels this way? I am just wondering. It seems to be a trait I have not seen in anyone else I have met. It doesn't bother me, but it is one of many things about myself I am trying to understand. I am wondering how common this is.

[Bree-asaurus]

No, it's not common... but there are people like you out there.

A friend of mine is that way. He has no interest in a relationship or sex or anything. He's attracted to women, but just doesn't care to do anything about it. He's 27 too lol

Love, lust and infatuation are functions of the brain... and as we all know, the brain isn't always wired the way it's supposed to be.

If you're happy, that's all that matters :)

[whowhatwhen]

I'm similar in some ways, wanting a relationship but on the one hand it's not desperately important.
There is no need to feel bad about not being interested in sex or to worry about being a virgin, the only people who care are those who wish to prove they're better than you.

Believe me, I got lots of that growing up too.
Your happiness is more important than the shallowness of others.

I'm not sure if that helps you any, but I wanted to let you know that you're not alone in that regard.
:)

[RADER]

My Uncle lived to the ripe old age of 95.
Never married. So you see, you are not alone. Raising kids is a hard job,
So the fact you want nothing to do with that is understandable.
Rader

[Rianna Humble]

Some 30-odd years ago, I realised there was a pretty good chance I could die a virgin. I don't think you should confuse that with love though. I have known love, but sex as a "man" was not something I could ever envisage (after all I never have been one).

Yes it is quite possible that your asexuality is a symptom of your Dysphoria - there is even a discussion of that in the Standards Of Care.

At less than half my age, there is every possibility that you will find love in the future, whether that love translates into a sexual relationship is quite another question.

A number of my GG friends have encouraged me that the right woman could be out there for me somewhere (probably after I become whole), so if it's possible for me when I'm in my late 50's why should the same not be possible for you who are in your late 20's?

[Bree-asaurus]

Just try not to worry about it... and definitely don't try to force yourself into doing something you think you should do. If you're happy alone, then that is totally cool. Relationships have their own problems... lol. Take this time to work on yourself and if things change, things change :)

[Xrys]

I can't quite say that it ever worried me, but i do find it interesting topic to ponder. Even in highschool, i just figured on making friends, and if something grew from one of those friendships, then it was ment to be, and if not, then it wasn't. Besides, i believe that love should blossom from friendship first. That is my thoughts on it. I was just curious what others thought on the issue.

[Bree-asaurus]

I can't quite say that it ever worried me, but i do find it interesting topic to ponder. Even in highschool, i just figured on making friends, and if something grew from one of those friendships, then it was ment to be, and if not, then it wasn't. Besides, i believe that love should blossom from friendship first. That is my thoughts on it. I was just curious what others thought on the issue.

Love can come from anywhere. But the only time you find it is when you're not looking for it. So who knows, maybe one day you'll just happen to meet someone you want to spend the rest of your life for, even though you weren't looking and didn't care. :)

[TerryTerri]

One recurring theme I have noticed in many is in seeking 'the right' person to be with. I belive the important effort we need to make is to BE the right person and focus of efforts on being the person we would want to be. Being helpful, kind, honest, yadda, yadda, yadda are the kinds of things I'm reffering to.

As to your original question, IDK. I was a late bloomer, of sorts. But, I've had 3 marriages, a few dozen other girlfriends over the years. Since my true nature and reality has come into focus, I have not been involved with anyone and I'm unsure when I'll even begin wanting another. I have a complicated situation with my ex-wife and mother of 2 of my 3 kids. We no longer have a romantic relationship. But, we have a very close, important friendship that keeps me from feeling like I am alone.

I do seem to 'need' a bff, or bestie, these days. A female to pal around with and who'll relate to me as I am and not as a guy and to help me learn the societal knowledge and experiences I missed when I dilusionally believed I was a guy. My current bestie is named Tammy and she's pretty cool.

[ColleenA]

Yes, Xrys, it is normal, although as Bree said, it's just not common. There is a huge difference.

The fact is society encourages people in countless ways to have relationships, to have children, to have sex -- be it monogamous (reserved for committed couples) or profligate (though not reserved for singles only). Look at our tax structures that tend to favor marrieds over singles. Look at the unending stream of romantic comedies, as well as sitcoms that are generally either about families or about singles, including their sex lives. In so many ways, someone like you is constantly told you don't fit in.

My middle son, at age 26, was worried he was going to die a virgin. (Two years later, that worry is off his plate.) Meanwhile, his older brother has yet to have a relationship or, to my knowledge, even have a date. And he is comfortable enough with his situation.

It's not only good that you march to your own drummer, it's important that you do.

[Noemi]

Xrys,

Excellent post, thank you for sharing your feelings.
You sound level, balanced, not running from or running to, spiritually even.

I think it is normal for you at the moment. You are probably an acutely sensitive person who can not see why she would bring someone into their life when it is undecided.

I am older than you in my 40's and I have been in a few relationships, but mainly because of that was what I thought I was supposed to do. I always could take them or leave them. I am Transgender too, but it took years for me to unearth that, really buried deep..but looking back it makes perfect sense.

I live a solitary life and enjoy it, never though of having children or getting married...

I will add that I do have a strong sex drive, and am a highly motivated individual, always working. So well, I enjoy taking care of the sex part sometimes.
Mostly I can not see anyone else in my life...I end up on this board too much because I am alone all the time...LOL...but that is coolie this is a good place.

♥
Noemi

[Traci Elizabeth]

You might want to go to your doctor and have your Total & Free Testosterone checked.

[KellyJameson]

I'm the same way and in my case I do think being asexual and TS are related because I did not change at puberty to become interested (aware) of females yet I would identify as heterosexual because I'm even less aware of men.

I belong to AVEN which is a forum for people who are asexual you may want to check it out.

Approximately 1 percent of the population is asexual and 4 percent of the TS population is asexual.

Also remember we live in a highly sexualized environment that would not be considered normal fifty years ago and you may be measuring yourself against a standard that actually may not be healthy because there almost appears to be addictive behavior toward sex portrayed by the media's obsession with it.

Love is separate from sex and I did not love until I understood for myself what love meant and you may find this is true for you also.

[ReineD]

You could be asexual. Here's a general description: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asexuality

And here's a forum you might read and consider joining. There's a section for gender issues there as well: http://www.asexuality.org/en/



Edit - Oops, Kelly beat me to it.

Another Edit - I also cannot be attracted to someone just based on physical appearance. There's got to be something much deeper there, which you call friendship. It's this special connection, for me it has to do with an attraction or admiration for everything a person is: their intellect, personality, kind-heartedness, individuality, creativity, strength of personal convictions. There aren't many people I've met who've fit the bill. And I have felt very nervous in the past when men were attracted to me and I didn't return the feelings. It made me feel hugely uncomfortable. So it could also be that you just haven't met the right person yet.

[Julia_in_Pa]

Far far too many people subject themselves to the same life script over and over and over again.
Dating, marriage, breeding and all of the baggage and issue that is attached to such.
Mediocrity in my life would have been a death sentence for me.

You don't have to follow anyone's script but your own understand?
It's your life, raise your middle finger to those that would subject you to " average " and " predictability " .
Get the sh4t out of your head that you perhaps are a victim of flawed thinking due to it going against a population as a whole that are neither unique or statistically important.

Mediocrity and being average are for those that don't have the guts to be their true selves.

Stop worrying and start living.


Julia

[Jorja]

I just wanted to add 1 thing that has not been mentioned as yet. Loss of interest in normal everyday things (sex being one of them) can be a symptom of depression. Please do consult a doctor on this.

[LeaP]

I just wanted to add 1 thing that has not been mentioned as yet. Loss of interest in normal everyday things (sex being one of them) can be a symptom of depression. Please do consult a doctor on this.

I absolutely agree. Also, Xrys, be aware that it's possible to experience depression, even severe depression, without the emotional symptoms you might otherwise expect, such as being sad and dejected.

[Xrys]

I have had some interesting thoughts on this last night, and want to share them. First, depression is something I have been fighting against for about 12 years. I am so anxious to see t therapist, and cant wait to get a job so I can. Since I have started expressing my femininity a little more it has helped with the depression alot, just shaving and triming my eyebrows seems to have helped a great deal.

Secondly, I have, at least deep down inside, known that the life I was living as a male was a lie. I knew that I was pretending to be something I really wasn't. If I had entered an intimate relationship with someone, it would have been based on that lie. perhaps I knew, deep down inside me, that I could not live that lie forever, and when the truth of that lie came to light, the foundation of the relationship based on that lie would crumble.

I have not before considered that I might be asexual, as the society we live in does not acnowledge the existance of such things, but I will have to do research on this front.

The reasons i felt so unique in this aspect is because i had three other people in the house Where I grew up. First were my happily maried parents. The other was my brother, the Player. He had 4-5 relationships going on at the same time eversince I could remember. It was two extreme ends of a relationship spectrum that I didn't even fit in. But I have always kinda just done my own thing. Honestly, I am relieved that I dont have a family and kids while on this journey of self discovery and transformation. It seems to have worked out for the best so far, and I have no complaints.

[Pythos]

In my experience I felt nothing, till the two times in my life I met someone with the right energy so to say.

My current GF there is an energy that OTHER's feel when in our presence, and we certainly feel it. It is not fully a physical thing. It is much more a spiritual, and mental thing. But over time her physical features have gotten connected to those things about her I love. Due to her nature she has some very masculine features. Wide Shoulders and narrow hips (we were at a metal concert where she chose to wear pants, and yea there were times my mind said "man", and I had to tell it to shut up. LOL, Overtime, her physical build will also not be a factor at all. I love her, that is all there is to it).

It is the spiritual and or mental connections I think are the most important. Physical attraction should come later.

You are normal for who you are. One day perhaps you will feel that connection to someone, and you will know they are the one for you. The important thing is, that you value yourself as a good person, that you live a good life. You sound like you have quite a level head on your shoulders, and you like myself will not be swayed by some attractive woman trying to manipulate you into doing something foolish with the empty promise of something romantic between you two.

Our culture and societal structure is really favorable to the married, and in ways mess the single people over. I also fail to see how someone dying a virgin is in some way a bad thing.

I know in my case though, I have felt how it is to have an S.O. and the thought of going single again is terrifying. I love my GF, and she loves me, and in our world it is very rare to find such a connection as we have. I know that if we break up, I will be devastated, but I will carry on. For a while I may seek someone else to fill that void...cause that is what such loss leaves, but failing that I likely would go single again.

I like you think it is best for things to blossom from friendships, but unfortunately there are other guys that move in on such friendships and leave you high and dry. Been there, done that got the emotional scares. LOL.

You just doing as you do. If you find someone, and you feel that energy, give it a shot. You may have indeed found someone special to you. But if you don't find them, don't fret, and just be the best you can.

[kimdl93]

Your feeling is pretty unusual, but I don't know that its dysfunctional. Of course, most of us (regardless of gender ID) seek out long term relationships and most of us want children. That doesn't mean everyone has to feel that way.

If you have no such interests, then that's fine. Its your life.

[Sharon]

Being asexual isn't as rare as you would think. It is understandably a difficult thing to measure as many asexual individuals marry because it is expected in so many cultures and walks of life. Your being comfortable and honest with yourself is all that matters and no one else's opinion is relevant.