Rachel Renee
06-19-2012, 04:45 PM
And with all of the reading and research I have done lately, it seems there is a likely destination I'm headed for, whether I like it or not.
I spent my entire childhood and all of my teenage years feeling out of place. Profoundly awkward. Out of focus. I was never a typical boy. I knew this from about age five, but didn't know why I was so different. By the time I was twelve or thirteen, I was old enough to feel really weird about wearing girl's clothes, despite the comfort they gave me. I dealt as best I could. In my early twenties I started to open up to myself a little bit more, exploring my feelings and working on accepting the fact that I was a crossdresser. Hoping that I was just a crossdresser. "Yeah, yeah, bro. Don't worry." That old chestnut.
Even then, I knew there was more to it than just clothes but I could not bring myself to think about it on that level. That is until my late twenties when the dysphoria took on a distinct gender-driven twist. I could not stop myself from the feeling of hating being male. I don't need to describe it. You all know what that's like. In typical "me" fashion, I'd shove those feelings back down and turn up the "maleness" to eleven. Cause after all, I'm only a crossdresser, right? Right? But it got to the point where little things would trigger it early in the morning, middle of the work day, on a twenty hour road trip. It became almost impossible to look at myself in the mirror. I hadn't felt that awful since puberty/middle school. I hated myself but couldn't fully articulate why.
Though my childhood was filled with lots of sneaking around trying things on, I have been fully dressing for more than a decade, now. I'm single, no kids, and I can pretty much do what I want, when I want. I throw that out there to illustrate that it's not just a case of "pink fog newness". But where I was once content to sit at home and dress in secret, I was now finding extreme frustration. In addition, I found that I was wanting to dress less and less, yet the feelings of femininity remained. Pretty much all the time.
My needs and feelings have evolved significantly over the last few years, specifically. Things feel like they're really starting to ramp up, despite my efforts to maintain a "balance". My twenty-two year old self would be utterly shocked and maybe even a bit horrified. I used to be pretty good at compartmentalizing all of this. I would only think about it when I allowed myself to but now, it's pretty much all I can think about. Literally non-stop, from the moment I wake up until I fall asleep. It inhabits my dreams, too. I no longer have control over these thoughts and feelings and it is becoming increasingly more difficult to focus and be productive. Work and school might be starting to suffer as a result. Since the holidays, I have been trying to find ways to manage the feelings, shaving, eyebrow shaping, nail polish, etc. I know it's all superficial stuff but the more de-masculinizing I can do to myself, the better I feel. But I'm left asking, "where does it end/what is enough/how far will I need to go?".
This year I decided that it was time for me to start making moves toward the closet door. I was beginning to understand what I needed to do to find some deeper answers so I joined a local TG group here in Dallas and started going out to meetups with them. For the first time ever, I did my hair and makeup, got dressed, then walked out of my own front door, in front of my neighbors, and drove myself to the events to meet others like me. Multiple times! In daylight, no less! Now that, my friends, is not something I ever thought I'd be doing. But you know what? It feels so normal and natural. It feels like me. I am very comfortable, more sociable, and generally happier and more relaxed when interacting as a female. I have never felt as normal in my entire life as I do when I am around other people as Rachel, and that is not hyperbole. To have others refer to me as "she", "her", and of course as "Rachel" makes my soul swell with completeness and joy. I'm not a different person, just a better version of me. The real me that has been so elusive my whole life, perhaps? Maybe finally getting out of the house and around others is what I needed for me to See. With each little step forward along the path, improvements in personal perception are gained. I know deep down that I am on the right track. I'm just uncertain exactly which track that is, but let it suffice to say that I have my suspicions. My head is spinning.
There are clearly things that I still need to sort out and work through but I have done all I can on my own. I have an appointment next Monday with a clinical psychologist that specializes in gender issues. She is a member of the World Professional Association of Transgender Health and works within the SOC. She's got lots of experience and is fully qualified to possibly help me. I spoke with her on the phone for about fifteen minutes last week to confirm my appointment and she seems like the right choice, for sure.
Sorry for the long, rambly post. I'm not even sure why I'm posting this. This is my first post on this side of the forum, where I feel more and more like I belong. I guess I just needed to "think out loud". Thank you in advance for indulging me.
I spent my entire childhood and all of my teenage years feeling out of place. Profoundly awkward. Out of focus. I was never a typical boy. I knew this from about age five, but didn't know why I was so different. By the time I was twelve or thirteen, I was old enough to feel really weird about wearing girl's clothes, despite the comfort they gave me. I dealt as best I could. In my early twenties I started to open up to myself a little bit more, exploring my feelings and working on accepting the fact that I was a crossdresser. Hoping that I was just a crossdresser. "Yeah, yeah, bro. Don't worry." That old chestnut.
Even then, I knew there was more to it than just clothes but I could not bring myself to think about it on that level. That is until my late twenties when the dysphoria took on a distinct gender-driven twist. I could not stop myself from the feeling of hating being male. I don't need to describe it. You all know what that's like. In typical "me" fashion, I'd shove those feelings back down and turn up the "maleness" to eleven. Cause after all, I'm only a crossdresser, right? Right? But it got to the point where little things would trigger it early in the morning, middle of the work day, on a twenty hour road trip. It became almost impossible to look at myself in the mirror. I hadn't felt that awful since puberty/middle school. I hated myself but couldn't fully articulate why.
Though my childhood was filled with lots of sneaking around trying things on, I have been fully dressing for more than a decade, now. I'm single, no kids, and I can pretty much do what I want, when I want. I throw that out there to illustrate that it's not just a case of "pink fog newness". But where I was once content to sit at home and dress in secret, I was now finding extreme frustration. In addition, I found that I was wanting to dress less and less, yet the feelings of femininity remained. Pretty much all the time.
My needs and feelings have evolved significantly over the last few years, specifically. Things feel like they're really starting to ramp up, despite my efforts to maintain a "balance". My twenty-two year old self would be utterly shocked and maybe even a bit horrified. I used to be pretty good at compartmentalizing all of this. I would only think about it when I allowed myself to but now, it's pretty much all I can think about. Literally non-stop, from the moment I wake up until I fall asleep. It inhabits my dreams, too. I no longer have control over these thoughts and feelings and it is becoming increasingly more difficult to focus and be productive. Work and school might be starting to suffer as a result. Since the holidays, I have been trying to find ways to manage the feelings, shaving, eyebrow shaping, nail polish, etc. I know it's all superficial stuff but the more de-masculinizing I can do to myself, the better I feel. But I'm left asking, "where does it end/what is enough/how far will I need to go?".
This year I decided that it was time for me to start making moves toward the closet door. I was beginning to understand what I needed to do to find some deeper answers so I joined a local TG group here in Dallas and started going out to meetups with them. For the first time ever, I did my hair and makeup, got dressed, then walked out of my own front door, in front of my neighbors, and drove myself to the events to meet others like me. Multiple times! In daylight, no less! Now that, my friends, is not something I ever thought I'd be doing. But you know what? It feels so normal and natural. It feels like me. I am very comfortable, more sociable, and generally happier and more relaxed when interacting as a female. I have never felt as normal in my entire life as I do when I am around other people as Rachel, and that is not hyperbole. To have others refer to me as "she", "her", and of course as "Rachel" makes my soul swell with completeness and joy. I'm not a different person, just a better version of me. The real me that has been so elusive my whole life, perhaps? Maybe finally getting out of the house and around others is what I needed for me to See. With each little step forward along the path, improvements in personal perception are gained. I know deep down that I am on the right track. I'm just uncertain exactly which track that is, but let it suffice to say that I have my suspicions. My head is spinning.
There are clearly things that I still need to sort out and work through but I have done all I can on my own. I have an appointment next Monday with a clinical psychologist that specializes in gender issues. She is a member of the World Professional Association of Transgender Health and works within the SOC. She's got lots of experience and is fully qualified to possibly help me. I spoke with her on the phone for about fifteen minutes last week to confirm my appointment and she seems like the right choice, for sure.
Sorry for the long, rambly post. I'm not even sure why I'm posting this. This is my first post on this side of the forum, where I feel more and more like I belong. I guess I just needed to "think out loud". Thank you in advance for indulging me.