Reasons why I keep my gender status private

[Marleena]

First of all telling people is a personal choice so I'm not trying to sway anybody's opinion. I have seen many here feel they NEED to tell others.

Anyways, my wife and I decided nobody needs to know. I'm not living enfemme 24/7 which makes it easier to keep private. My kids and stepkids do not know and are in their twenties. The problem with coming out to family, or anybody for that matter is word gets around quickly. I mean this is juicy gossip material!

I can take the heat but our families and kids could be subjected to ridicule and embarassment because of me. That's not worth taking the chance for me.

*Edit* I am transgender nothing has changed.:)

[2B Natasha]

Is this confession or a question?

If its a confession. Is it for members or is it for the prying eyes of the public?

[Krististeph]

D'accord!

Actually, I _would_ like to tell others- but I know that even if I felt it would no big deal and have no consequences- a part of me says that it is probably not all that interesting to others- except maybe for gossip. Sort of like when new parents tell you ALL about their baby (including the poop tales...)

I think my siblings know, they are not complete morons- but they are afraid to broach the subject. They could be either afraid to hear the confirmation (doubt it), afraid they might 'set me off' or 'crush my world' that they figured it out (not quite... hey- i'm a crossdresser, not a delicate flower), or simply don't want to hear more about it (possible).

But some of the reason I don't come out is that people who know my wife and I as a couple might speculate that it is some kind of stigma on my wife- having to be married to a CD or other quite uneducated ideas...

Mostly though is because it is somewhat of an adjunct to ones sexuality or sex life- which we do not go around talking about either, the occasional reference to something not withstanding.

[Karren H]

So you have private private parts? :D

[Cynthia Anne]

Very understandable Mareena! It's your decision! You have the right to choose! Hugs!

[sometimes_miss]

Sounds more like taking a stand for how he intends to live. Nothing wrong with that.

[kimdl93]

Certainly, the choice is yours as to who you come out to. Its your life.

[Stephenie S]

I think Marleena makes a good point.

While I truly believe that most of society doesn't really give much of a rat's behind what you wear, I also feel that unless you are going to be "out", telling others may not benefit you much. Why bother?

[EllieOPKS]

Does this mean your gender status changed? I'm confused.

[Marleena]

Is this confession or a question?

If its a confession. Is it for members or is it for the prying eyes of the public?

Guess I need to edit the original post.

I am transgendered. Same as always.:)

I am anonymous to the general public and most people here..I hope.


So you have private private parts? :D

Dunno let me check!:D

[abigailf]

Telling is a choice for anyone, but for a pre-op transsexual it is almost impossible for it not to get out. So the choice is, do I want to control the getting out or not.

Personally and I can give a rats arse what people have to say about me. Let them try being transgender for just a day. I don't mean just wearing a dress either. They need to deal with the emotions and dysphoria as well.

As far as the wife, she is quite good at word wars and most people know it and will not likely say anything to her face. If they do, I would feel pity on them, not my wife.

The kids are a unique problem. Yes I expect them to get abuse. I have no clue how much but they will have to deal with. Oh well, it is a cruel world out there and I can't protect them forever. It will help them to build character and make them stronger people in the long run.

So for me, let the gossip begin now that school is out and hopefully by the time the kids go back it will be old news.

[Kate Simmons]

You don't need a reason to do what you do or don't do Marleena. You are my friend and I respect you for who you are and respect your decisions. I'm open to telling anyone who inquires but I see no reason to broadcast it to everyone either. We are who we are and our accomplishments, both individually and collectively speak for themselves my friend.:)

[Alice Torn]

Being a big bipolar, there are times the pink fog kicks in, and i feel like coming out, and other times, i don't want anyone to know i cd.

[Tracii G]

Nobody's business but mine and my SO.
I have gone thru that I need to tell everyone phase.Its just not worth the hassle and some friends really don't need to know.

[EllieOPKS]

OK, I think I got it now. Yeah, I agree with you. If you weigh the pro's and con's I would make the same decision.

[Lorileah]

You have confided in the one person to which being TG would directly affect them, your wife. You children may learn later, your family may learn later. Your wife should know. So Marleena, you iz doing it rite I think :)

[Melissa Rose]

I do not have a need to tell anyone so I do not purposely out myself to others. Others knowing has an impact beyond myself so it is not completely about me. If I think it will cause anyone troubles, I remain quiet about it and try to shield them from it. Even though I'm totally out in the mainstream, I do not shout out my gender status to anyone and everyone I know. Some feel like they are being dishonest or lying via omission by not telling those close to them, thus it causes them pain or concern. I do not feel that way. Those who need to know are aware of my gender status. Everyone is different and in a different situation so we each have to decide for ourselves. There is no absolute right or wrong way to proceed regardless of your transgender status.

[Sara Jessica]

This thread is such awesome motivation to wrap my elephant's head in duct tape, if only to keep her quiet!!!

[Marleena]

This thread is such awesome motivation to wrap my elephant's head in duct tape, if only to keep her quiet!!!

Sorry Sara I forgot about your elephant!:) It is what I have decided with my wife will work best for our families. I am definitely not telling anybody here what to do, just explaining. It won't work for anybody that goes 24/7 obviously either.

[ArleneRaquel]

Marleena,
Thank you for starting the thread and thanks for being an thinking individual, something this world needs more of.

[kellycan27]

It's your call.. we all do what we have to do for our own protection ( including family etc) and or peace of mind.

[Foxglove]

You know, Marleena, sometimes I have this fantasy: I come out in this little town I'm living in. Folks sure are surprised. I knock 'em dead with my nicest outfit, and they're really impressed with my make-up. The people who know me are so darn nice to me: "Gosh, Annabelle, you should have told us years ago! Girl like you shouldn't be hiding in the closet!" People I barely know coming up to me in the street, shaking my hand and wishing me well, etc.

That fantasy lasts on average for 8.72 seconds. Then I come back down to earth, which is where this town is, not on Planet Dingbat. I heave a sigh and shake my head.

We each live our lives. We each make our decisions. We each hope for the best. And we all wish you the best, Marleena. You're a sound girl.

Annabelle

[Marleena]

Thanks for the replies!:) Keep in mind our family lives in the same town.

Annabelle your reply started out as one we could all hope for.:) Oh..and Arlene sometimes we get so caught up in this we forget about our families and how telling the wrong person could effect them.

[BRANDYJ]

Marleena, I think it is great to keep it to yourself for the sake of your family, especially the kids. Not to mention the ramifications it could have on your job. I don't have a wife and children at home, but if I did, it would be only my wife that knows. I just don't agree with a part time CD telling his children. Even if I had kids in their twenties, as you do. I would not see a need to tell them. I did have a step daughter in her late twenties find out. I was not happy about it, but it turned out surprisingly well. I wondered of maybe her ex-husband might have been a CD. She knew way to much about it.

I assume you are using the term "transgendered" in the way most of us understand it to mean anyone that is gender fluid or variant, including all crossdressers and transsexuals. All to often I see the word used to mean transsexual and not the broader umbrella meaning of the term. With that said, I think that if you are a transsexual either considering transition or are transitioning, telling children is wrong; Especially younger kids under say 16 or so. I have always thought that a crossdresser can control his urge to dress and find time away from his kids to dress and enjoy himself. Frankly, I think it's mostly a selfish excuse to tell minor children. I believe it's best to keep it away from them just as we do not share our bedroom games with our children. Not that gender expression and sex are the same, but for many it's damn close. As for telling anyone else, friends, co-workers neighbors etc. That's a personal choice. Still maybe best if only a need to know arrises. I have told over a dozen female friends and without exception, I have received nothing but understanding from them and all remain friends, if not closer then ever before. I guess my choice of who to tell and who not to tell has been good to me. The only problem I had was with a brother. He could not accept it, so we did not have any contact what so ever for over 4 years until recently. But that's another story. To sum it up, it's risky business sharing this with others. Carefully weigh the pros and cons on an individual basis. I'v been lucky. Results may vary.

[Marleena]

Brandy, I'm just giving everybody something to think about, and yes transgender means all of us MTF's in this instance.:)

Now if one of my kids discovered I was TG I would admit to it. I just don't feel the need to come out. They have their own lives and difficulties to deal with and I've already mentioned the rest of the family and what could happen.

Maybe a move to Vegas would eliminate all of this concern!!

[Alice Torn]

Another aspect of this threas, can be, that if one has an accepting wife, or SO, it will be a little less of an urge to want to come out to others. Us who have no SO, and are alone, tend to want to come out to others more, i would guess. Its called lonliness.

[ReineD]

I am transgender nothing has changed.:)

So the next question is, how "transgender" are you? It's a pretty wide spectrum, from those who crossdress once per month to those who dress at every available opportunity. :)

And I agree .. in our current society it is best to keep your gender status private from people who are not in your daily life, unless you either are a loner or a TS who lives full time.

[Sara Jessica]

Sorry Sara I forgot about your elephant!:) It is what I have decided with my wife will work best for our families. I am definitely not telling anybody here what to do, just explaining. It won't work for anybody that goes 24/7 obviously either.

No worries! Actually, some duct tape might be good for my elephant. Much easier than trying to "butch" her up.

[JessHaust]

You know, Marleena, sometimes I have this fantasy: I come out in this little town I'm living in. Folks sure are surprised. I knock 'em dead with my nicest outfit, and they're really impressed with my make-up. The people who know me are so darn nice to me: "Gosh, Annabelle, you should have told us years ago! Girl like you shouldn't be hiding in the closet!" People I barely know coming up to me in the street, shaking my hand and wishing me well, etc.


Pretty much is exactly my story, only it's not a fantasy, it is the reality I live everyday. If I had never taken the chance, and just assumed what others reaction would be, I would still be hoping for that fantasy, not living it.

Marleena, You decision is yours alone, and nobody should tell you what to do.

But don't state that the world would ridicule your family, you don't that, you have no real experience with it, just hearsay and fear. Keep your secret by all means, but don't tell the others here that the reason is because of the reactions of people that you are just guessing about.

[TeresaL]

Marleena, in my case, it's best if you can keep a secret, don't tell anyone and take it to the grave. My life was so shipwrecked when I was outed fifteen years ago. Within an hour, absolutely every adult in our families were informed, along with many friends. The tornadic damage can't be undone and my ship sank.

It's only lately, and with much help from this forum, that I am making progress into being the woman that my "wired different brain" (but unique) says I really am.

EDIT: Have you ever had your adult sons and daughters call you up, begging you to quit because you are killing mom? Or have your son tell his mom to leave the pervert because he is a CD? Or have another child write you off? Comment from my passed father told my wife that he was glad to see me in a beard because that must mean i've quit Mom wasn't so judgmental and told me when i was a kid, I used to hide her bras under my bed.

How about going to stupid therapist who wanted to give you testosterone? Or sitting in a 12 step group for sexual addiction because you crossdress? What was said in that room remains, but it was way wicked compared to crossdressing. I hurt badly on the long ride home.

Only one word of wisdom came from my wife's mom who told her this can't be cured.

That being said, I can appreciate and am envious of those who report happy agreements with their SO's and can out theirselves without issue.

[TGMarla]

I also keep this to myself. We all have a right to some privacy. I include my transgender activities and proclivities within the bounds of that privacy. It is no one else's business but mine, and I choose to keep it that way.

[Lori B]

First of all telling people is a personal choice so I'm not trying to sway anybody's opinion. I have seen many here feel they NEED to tell others.

Anyways, my wife and I decided nobody needs to know. I'm not living enfemme 24/7 which makes it easier to keep private. My kids and stepkids do not know and are in their twenties. The problem with coming out to family, or anybody for that matter is word gets around quickly. I mean this is juicy gossip material!

I can take the heat but our families and kids could be subjected to ridicule and embarassment because of me. That's not worth taking the chance for me.

*Edit* I am transgender nothing has changed.:)My feelings too Marleena,I care too much for my son and grandkids........:):hugs:

[Marleena]

Marleena, You decision is yours alone, and nobody should tell you what to do.

But don't state that the world would ridicule your family, you don't that, you have no real experience with it, just hearsay and fear. Keep your secret by all means, but don't tell the others here that the reason is because of the reactions of people that you are just guessing about.

Jess I can honestly say you are in the minority if EVERYBODY you tell is fine with it. I'm not going to give anybody else a false sense of security.

And you just told me what to do BTW.

[ReineD]

But don't state that the world would ridicule your family, you don't that, you have no real experience with it, just hearsay and fear. Keep your secret by all means, but don't tell the others here that the reason is because of the reactions of people that you are just guessing about.

I'm really happy that everyone in your life supports the CDing. But this is not the norm. You just need to read online comments on any news story that deals with any aspect of trans issues, to get a glimpse of the amount of negativity that is out there. It is true that most people don't say these things to our faces. My SO and I go out together all the time in the mainstream and we do not experience rudeness or violence. But I have caught stares, snickers, and once someone yelled something unpleasant at us. Still for the most part strangers do not care since they know they will not see us again and we do not impact their lives.

Privately, I told my brother about my SO some years ago. We are very close and I thought he would be open minded, or at least open minded enough to respect that I'm a big girl and I can make my own decisions. I was mistaken. He reacted against the CDing a lot more strongly than I ever imagined. And he hadn't even met my SO yet.

If we were to come out to everyone that my SO works with, she might not lose her job, but there would be functions that we would cease being invited to. And I've no doubt that some colleagues would feel uncomfortable working with her. We are out to some of our friends whom we know are open to the GLBT community, but again some other friends are quite conservative and I'm pretty sure that if we came out to them, they would be polite to us but would no longer care to socialize with us. If we were married and had children together, I've no doubt that some parents would not allow their kids to have sleepovers at our house if they found out.

I think it is misleading to say that CDers only imagine the world is not accepting, and they just need to come out to everyone in order to discover a world ready to welcome them with open arms (if this is what you meant). Even our TS members tell newer members to expect to lose some relationships.

[Contessa]

I am looking at this from the other side. I have told more people than you can imagine. I told my Doctor and she is guess what a GG. What ever you do is your own business. I kept the secret too long now i am and it is out.


Tess

[Foxglove]

Pretty much is exactly my story, only it's not a fantasy, it is the reality I live everyday. If I had never taken the chance, and just assumed what others reaction would be, I would still be hoping for that fantasy, not living it.


Very nice story, Jess. I'm happy for you. There are other stories, though. Like this one:


Marleena, in my case, it's best if you can keep a secret, don't tell anyone and take it to the grave. My life was so shipwrecked when I was outed fifteen years ago. Within an hour, absolutely every adult in our families were informed, along with many friends. The tornadic damage can't be undone and my ship sank.


Other people have had a different experience from yours. And so you see, when I personally look at people's testimony, I look at all of it. I look at both sides. There's positive and negative. And you have to weigh it up, try and apply it to your own circumstances.

Jess, I don't like people trying to hammer me over the head. I've got a mind of my own, and I'll use it to decide what I think is best for me. I've heard your story. I've taken it into account. I'm not ignoring it. It just doesn't happen to be the only story in the world. OK, Jess?

Annabelle

[Marleena]

Thanks for that Annabelle and Reine!

At no point have I told anybody what to do here. I just pointed out what could happen if one big mouth found out about you. It only takes one person to create a mess.

Jess is definitely an exception to the rule. This board is filled with issues TG girls face because of coming out or being found out. I think it is far worse to tell people it's wonderful to come out to people.

It is a personal choice and each of us must weigh the pros and cons.:)

[noeleena]

Hi.

For myself ,In the early 60's there were some few people who knew i was different, they saw in me something that i did not hide even though i never talked about being intersex, one woman knew more about what i was, & that came out 4 years ago when she saw me on New Zealand T V, when i meet up with her she was not one bit surprised i was female & another guy i worked for allso told Jos the same thing so i wonder how many others knew at that time , i was about 16 / 17.

So even then my manrisims were showing long before i told Jos,

When the time came to let others in to my life in a real way i told those i worked with knew in buisness ,many friends , friends going back 54 years, family , after that many many more, & why would i hide a part of myself , a part, no all of my life as it was, the best thing that happened to myself, things were done for me that i could never have even thought of doing, just so many people gave thier time & help with out i would have struggled some what,

some times we need to be open , some say people dont give a damm , well that was not so in my case , i have gained more friends & been able to join in with many others,

I know some say dont ask dont tell okay. just was not the way for myself it had to be all out & that really did open doors & i was allowed in so for a few of us what was right for me worked in such a fantastic wonderfull way, it could not have been better,

Im not going to say my road or path is the only one , for me its allways been the right one not for any one else i know it wont work for any one else because we are all different , im just so thankfull for what i have been given , even though the rose has thorns its all a part of our life we need to go through ,

yes the perfume is so lovely to smell, the thorns help us or maybe just me how to bear the pain & hurt for a season yet helps to make myself far stronger as i grow in my case to become the woman who was side tracked for a while,
im on track now & no more derailments, just took 18 years to realine where i was going. & you know what a lovely part has been with others around me coming along some of the way, may be they did not know or dont know with out thier being there it would have been so hard , so a specal thanks to those who came with me, for that short time,,,,,,,,

...noeleena...

[Marleena]

That's a great story Noeleena! You sound like somewhat of a pioneer for TG/IS people. I'm glad things went so well for you.:)

[Tina B.]

Marleena, I could have written your original post. I live in a small community, and both my wife and one of my kids work in very public jobs, if word got out , both my wife and kid would find it embarrassing. I've always been satisfied to remain in the closet, But then like Alice said, I have the luxury of having a very understanding wife, which makes my closet very comfortable.
We all live different lives, and have different reasons, and I love reading about the adventures of the out and about crowd, but I don't really want to join them.
Tina B.

[Wildaboutheels]

Anyone who believes they can predict how other folks are going to react to such a charged issue is either a few sandwiches shy of a picnic or else has not spent much time in the Real World.

And neither Love nor Kinfolk or anything else has absolutely any effective whatsoever on just who will be accepting and/or supportive.

Telling ANYone is a risk that we all must weigh against the possible benefits.

[suchacutie]

I would like to make a small comment about Jess's post, because just a few rearranged words can change the nature of the ideas surrounding how others will respond to the fact of our transgenderism.

My wife and I jointly decide about the distribution of our personal issues, no matter what they are. My transgenderism falls into that category. The reason we keep this issue under control is not because we are sure about negativity, but the fact that how others respond is not under our control, be it positive or negative, AND because that response is something that I would be imposing on others. Other people, I feel, have a right to a choice about whether or not they have to deal with my private gender multiplicity. I simply don't feel that I can impose it upon others.

So, it's not a matter of the fact that any of us are sure that there will be negative reactions, but about the fact that any reaction would be a life situation imposed upon others without their approval. Many of those situations in life are unavoidable, but at least this one can be maintained under some control. :)

[ColleenA]

We all live different lives, and have different reasons, and I love reading about the adventures of the out and about crowd, but I don't really want to join them.

Tina, I'm a member of that club, also.

[KellyJameson]

Being TS is being caught between a rock and a hard place. This rock and hard place is made up of the majority of men and women who are very comfortable being defined (completed) by their opposite, the yin and yang of male female relationships where two parts relate as a whole that make up the majority of society.

Like stone ground wheat you become ground up by living opposed and between the two opposing forces of manhood and womanhood where they come together which is everywhere.

You must walk the edge of a razor and any slip threatens you with injury, balancing between two forms of destruction to self creating a living tension to live genuinely
yet against the world or in the world and against the self.

Most adults at some point experience a touch of this when they go against their internalized sense of right and wrong for the greater good so feel a piece of their soul cut away with every compromise of their intergrity and if it goes to far they end up living contrary to life without a reason to live.

With dysphoria you live without territorial integrity and so do not feel whole and this experience is similar to the feeling of not having moral intergrity so you feel evil but project it onto the body which is the betrayer of self so changing the body is escape from the evil into the good.

Once this reaches a critical point there is no choice but to change and I always hope that those who are not there never arrive.

Those who are able to bend gender in my opinion are the lucky ones because they realize the best of both worlds but this is a choice and by definition the person is able to live within certain limits imposed by society and their environment of family, friends and community so they are able to protect themselves from their actions and live within the guidelines of known or imagined consequences.

To live beyond concern for consequences is social suicide and this is why many must reach a point of actual suicide before they act, it becomes a choice that is not a choice.

Like the movie Castaway you give up insecure security for a chance to do more than just survive.

[jillleanne]

Hi Marlena. I can appreciate many others have the same reasons for their same decisions also. Occupational issues are another one. In my case, my coming out had nothing( making it public) to do with NEEDING to tell anyone, but rather the NEED to come out for my own sanity. Who knows of me I care not. Who learns of me will in all likelyhood, come for someone elses mouth, not mine. It was never a matter of needing to tell anyone but rather be able to express myself without hiding. Repercussions meant nothing to me at that point. Call it selffish maybe, but I call it saving my sanity.

[Marleena]

Hi Marlena. I can appreciate many others have the same reasons for their same decisions also. Occupational issues are another one. In my case, my coming out had nothing( making it public) to do with NEEDING to tell anyone, but rather the NEED to come out for my own sanity. Who knows of me I care not. Who learns of me will in all likelyhood, come for someone elses mouth, not mine. It was never a matter of needing to tell anyone but rather be able to express myself without hiding. Repercussions meant nothing to me at that point. Call it selffish maybe, but I call it saving my sanity.

Jilleanne that's what worked for you and I totally get it. We all handle it differently and for different reasons.:)

[Miranda-E]

If you want to be a closet CD, more power to you.

[Engendered]

There are a lot of thoughts trying to get out, and I can't seem to order them properly. I really do feel compelled to reply to this topic though, as I'm someone who is as close to 100% out as you can get, but also someone who is "just" a CD, and someone who isn't 24/7. I only go out every now and then.

The first girl I talked to about it was extremely encouraging of that side of me. I was 18 and in college. She bought my first wig, and we had a very happy 2 year relationship together. During those 2 years, I came out to close friends, and went out to college parties, and soon, people who hadn't even met me, knew about this side of me. I have to say that having it "out there", almost before people even meet you, was a massively positive thing to have in college. Because of being so out, I've never had a single girlfriend who wasn't completely ok with it. I don't mean "acceptance"/"tolerance". I mean "this is cool, and another reason why I like you more than other guys". I mean, that being a CD was actually in their plus column. I am so grateful to my first girlfriend for giving me the confidence to be open with people from the outset.

Am I saying that everyone starting college should throw caution to the wind and be open about their CDing? No.. I didn't wake up one morning and make a life decision like that. Like everything in life, it just sort of happened, and I played it by ear, day by day. I think something that's more important than you might imagine is your own personality, and your own feelings about yourself and your CDing. The first few people I came out to shaped my own view, and I came to think of it as something that's cool and awesome. Because I now carry that same view with me, it's ever easier for new people to see it that way too. Another advantage to being a CD, and telling people, is that sharing is a sign of trust, and I've found it's brought some people a lot closer to me. Because I've been open about something so different, and personal, it's easier for them to open up to me.

I think that being young definitely helps, not only because you don't have a lifelong job to jeopardize, or a family to worry about, but also because you don't have an image to shatter with people. There's also the "kids get away with stuff that adults just can't" thing -> See: teenage hairstyles. So there's a vague "cool" factor that fades as you get older. There are difficult and important questions I'll have to answer if I ever have kids of my own. What I do know is that, for me, I've never once regretted being out. My ties with family and friends are stronger. The people who would have been intolerant towards me probably avoided getting to know me because of it. Maybe I've missed out on these wonderful people, but there are enough amazing people around to fill the shortfall. No doubt, many girls have crossed me off their potential partners list straight away, but it means I've spent more time involved with girls who have been very compatible with this side of me.

There are very serious reasons why many of us keep this part of our lives private from some, or most people. Thankfully, I've been lucky enough to have a life so far that hasn't punished my openness with friends/family/work colleagues. I've noticed, even within the last 15 years, that each generation is becoming more and more tolerant of the unique spectrum of people we get in the world. "Glee" is a good recent example of where things are heading. I wish time could be speeded up, so that anyone who wants to be open about their CDing could do so without any fear, and that everyone would see it as cool and awesome. That's likely some decades away though. Until then, I hope to keep being an example of "things might be ok if it gets out there". And that's all this (horribly long) post is. I'd never for one second suggest that anyone tell anyone anything about themselves. People know their own lives and circumstances best.

Susan
(The girl who thinks we're all cool and awesome) :)