SandraAbsent
06-22-2012, 10:11 AM
June 2012, Six months into transition and I am writing this kinda as a dialog with myself to see really take stock of everything that has happened, and where I need to look forward. So please bear with me and feel free to comment.
WORK - The process of coming out was an absolute strain on my emotional state. A mix of excitement, worry, panic, and fear. Coming out to my employer was the easy part. Having conversations with each individual client was more than I though I could handle. To this date, there are still a few clients who do not know yet, but that number is dwindling. My confidence has been a roller coaster. Currently I am sitting at my desk feeling like Tom Cruise in Top Gun when they were yelling at him to engage. For what ever reason, my confidence is reduced to 0% right now and I feel like I am on the outside looking in and screaming at myself to snap out of it. My transition had no effect, and in fact helped to increase my sales up until now. I think this was due to finally being happy with myself. Now I feel like the "NOs" I've gotten over the last months have been because of how I am viewed. I know in the back of my head, that there are many reasons a client may say "NO", but for what ever reason its stuck in my head and in my heart that the reason is my being trans. I just cant shake it, and am having the worst month of my year. Grrrrr c'mon Sandra you know better. I know I can do this, really I can!
FRIENDS - I never really had many of them, so anything is really an improvement here. My best friends pre-transition have all stood by me. That amounts to two people lol. Like I said, I never really had many to begin with. I have really struggled with making friends in the "trans" community. Mostly because I don't identify as trans. Although I want to be supportive behind the scenes, the entire point of putting myself through this is so that I can finally view myself as a woman, so I generally tend to avoid public trans gatherings. I have also stopped attending the local support group. I just didnt feel supported there, I felt like I was being instructed. To the extent that a big blown up fight happened with me and one of the other girls. I have very strong beliefs, and when I was being tol they were wrong and that my beliefs were not supportive of the trans community, I rejected being told how to think and act. I have some very close trans friends, all who live very stealth. We talk about trans issues in private and support each other by sharing, and not by instruction. I refuse to be chastised for choosing to be private about my life. In my "stealth" life, I have become friends with one person who has been so supportive, it almost makes me cry. She owns the local lesbian bar, and is the founder of our local pride event. Through her I have met so many other friends that for the first time in my life, I actually have a social life lol. Anyway the friend department has had its speed bumps, but I love my lttle circle now.
FAMILY - Ufff This is a tough one. All of my immediate family knows. I have one sister that is 100% supportive and so is her husband and children. Another sister who says she is supportive, but also says she is not ready to tell her children yet. I compromise myself every time I see her by switching back to "man" mode when I see her. I feel like the statement "my children are not ready for this yet," is really code for I am not ready for this yet. All the children care about is whether or not I will play with them. I mean really? Same story from my brother. They have taken it one step further by no longer returning my calls or emails, and deleting me from my now closed old facebook account. It really breaks my heart. My fother has really been absentee for years now. He says that he still loves me, but he cant support my decision. I feel that with time he will just tolerate it, but an already strained relationship is now further hindered. My mother unfortunately has passed. All of this has really broken me down. How can 90% of the people I encounter in my personal and professional life either support me, or look past it in a business relationship, but my own family seems to have a complete allergy to it? For this reason I have not approached my extended family yet. I am emotionally drained from six months of coming out to people. I just cant do it right now. The compromise of once or twice a month slipping on "mens clothes" is worth it for me this early in my transition in order to maintain my own sanity. I cant express more deeply how hurt I am about my families reaction.
MY BODY - What can I say. No matter how many people tell me that I am very passable. I dont believe them. I know they are not patronizing me, or just trying to ego boost, but when I look in the mirror all I see is the old me in skirt. Financially things have been slow in terms of getting laser done. I am busting my butt off at work and freelance to try to get this moving in the other direction. I suppose considering that close to two years ago I was 1 step away from being homeless, I have to restrain myself from getting upset and take one step at a time. I have not even bothered seeing a therapist or doctor yet. I am so afraid of the rejection in these regards. After 3 heart attacks, lung clots, and triple bypass surgery, I have it stuck in my head what the outcome will be. Again, maybe I just need to get out of my funk and work harder to find that right doctors that will work with my condition, but right now I am having huge issues with rejection and I just can handle it.
All in all, despite the downsides, I feel much better about myself. I know I need temper myself. Its only been six months. Maybe one good reason to have a therapist is to help me manage my way through all these decisions, but I like to think to myself that I can carry the load myself and I hate asking for help. I need to get over that.
Anyways, thanks for listening to me vent.
Peace Out!
Sandra
WORK - The process of coming out was an absolute strain on my emotional state. A mix of excitement, worry, panic, and fear. Coming out to my employer was the easy part. Having conversations with each individual client was more than I though I could handle. To this date, there are still a few clients who do not know yet, but that number is dwindling. My confidence has been a roller coaster. Currently I am sitting at my desk feeling like Tom Cruise in Top Gun when they were yelling at him to engage. For what ever reason, my confidence is reduced to 0% right now and I feel like I am on the outside looking in and screaming at myself to snap out of it. My transition had no effect, and in fact helped to increase my sales up until now. I think this was due to finally being happy with myself. Now I feel like the "NOs" I've gotten over the last months have been because of how I am viewed. I know in the back of my head, that there are many reasons a client may say "NO", but for what ever reason its stuck in my head and in my heart that the reason is my being trans. I just cant shake it, and am having the worst month of my year. Grrrrr c'mon Sandra you know better. I know I can do this, really I can!
FRIENDS - I never really had many of them, so anything is really an improvement here. My best friends pre-transition have all stood by me. That amounts to two people lol. Like I said, I never really had many to begin with. I have really struggled with making friends in the "trans" community. Mostly because I don't identify as trans. Although I want to be supportive behind the scenes, the entire point of putting myself through this is so that I can finally view myself as a woman, so I generally tend to avoid public trans gatherings. I have also stopped attending the local support group. I just didnt feel supported there, I felt like I was being instructed. To the extent that a big blown up fight happened with me and one of the other girls. I have very strong beliefs, and when I was being tol they were wrong and that my beliefs were not supportive of the trans community, I rejected being told how to think and act. I have some very close trans friends, all who live very stealth. We talk about trans issues in private and support each other by sharing, and not by instruction. I refuse to be chastised for choosing to be private about my life. In my "stealth" life, I have become friends with one person who has been so supportive, it almost makes me cry. She owns the local lesbian bar, and is the founder of our local pride event. Through her I have met so many other friends that for the first time in my life, I actually have a social life lol. Anyway the friend department has had its speed bumps, but I love my lttle circle now.
FAMILY - Ufff This is a tough one. All of my immediate family knows. I have one sister that is 100% supportive and so is her husband and children. Another sister who says she is supportive, but also says she is not ready to tell her children yet. I compromise myself every time I see her by switching back to "man" mode when I see her. I feel like the statement "my children are not ready for this yet," is really code for I am not ready for this yet. All the children care about is whether or not I will play with them. I mean really? Same story from my brother. They have taken it one step further by no longer returning my calls or emails, and deleting me from my now closed old facebook account. It really breaks my heart. My fother has really been absentee for years now. He says that he still loves me, but he cant support my decision. I feel that with time he will just tolerate it, but an already strained relationship is now further hindered. My mother unfortunately has passed. All of this has really broken me down. How can 90% of the people I encounter in my personal and professional life either support me, or look past it in a business relationship, but my own family seems to have a complete allergy to it? For this reason I have not approached my extended family yet. I am emotionally drained from six months of coming out to people. I just cant do it right now. The compromise of once or twice a month slipping on "mens clothes" is worth it for me this early in my transition in order to maintain my own sanity. I cant express more deeply how hurt I am about my families reaction.
MY BODY - What can I say. No matter how many people tell me that I am very passable. I dont believe them. I know they are not patronizing me, or just trying to ego boost, but when I look in the mirror all I see is the old me in skirt. Financially things have been slow in terms of getting laser done. I am busting my butt off at work and freelance to try to get this moving in the other direction. I suppose considering that close to two years ago I was 1 step away from being homeless, I have to restrain myself from getting upset and take one step at a time. I have not even bothered seeing a therapist or doctor yet. I am so afraid of the rejection in these regards. After 3 heart attacks, lung clots, and triple bypass surgery, I have it stuck in my head what the outcome will be. Again, maybe I just need to get out of my funk and work harder to find that right doctors that will work with my condition, but right now I am having huge issues with rejection and I just can handle it.
All in all, despite the downsides, I feel much better about myself. I know I need temper myself. Its only been six months. Maybe one good reason to have a therapist is to help me manage my way through all these decisions, but I like to think to myself that I can carry the load myself and I hate asking for help. I need to get over that.
Anyways, thanks for listening to me vent.
Peace Out!
Sandra