My wife found out and not in a good way

[Regan]

To all:

On our family trip down to Florida my wife found a text from another CD and we pulled over and I had to tell her that it was a man and I am a cross dresser and not sure if I am gay. It has been very stressful. As far as the dressing goes she said it is what it is, she is not interested in it and does not want me doing it in the house because of the kids. Seh wants me to see a therapist about both the dressing and gay items. She is devastated a feels her life has been torn apart. She is mainly mad at the deception around chatting with other men. So I have an appointment a week from Saturday and we are going from there. I should have listened to a lot of you ladies and just told her about the dressing and my sexuality confusion. But I let my fear run my life and now I am not sure if we will be together in the future. But I do want to thank all of you for your support and I will try and keep you updated when I can, I won't be able to be on line a lot, destroyed the trust in the house.

Love

Regan

[Marissa]

Wow, what a way for it all to come out (no pun intended) but I hope you understand all that you put her through.. hope it works out to the best for BOTH of you..

[Regan]

MArissa

I do know what I have done and I am feeling very depressed and ashamed at what I have done to her. And Thanks

[Jacqueline Winona]

Regan, very sad to hear about this. There's never an easy way- tell them, and risk their anger and disgust that you're not the man they thought you were, don't tell and get found out and risk a wife's anger about deception (in addition to the previous thoughts). Don't beat yourself up on this, just pick up the pieces the best you can and move forward.

[paulaprimo]

regan,

so sorry to hear that your wife found out, the way she did. i'm sure that that was not the way you wanted her to find out, but it is what is is. please don't feel depressed and ashamed. this is only one aspect of your life which we all have a strong urge to follow. don't let this take away from the husband you have been and the feelings you have for you wife. you are still the same wonderful person...who has a desire to dress. things will get better and hopefully this turns out to be a blessing in disguise. wish you the best of luck and we are all here for you!! paula

[BobbieBrooks]

Trust can be rebuilt. Keep lines of communication open with her. NO more secrets. Hugs

BobbieB

[Kathy4ever]

How she find the text? Was she rummaging through your phone or did the man text you while you were traveling? I disagree with BobbieBrooks as with time some trust can be earned back but I don't think you will ever get it back 100%. You will find that it feels like she wants to know what you are doing or where you are going all the time. Maybe it is innocent or maybe it is not. I wiish you good luck with this one.

[Marleena]

Oh crap! This is not good. Regan keep in mind people don't just turn gay. This might be the Bi when dressed thing, it might just be a fantasy.

Here's something to keep in mind. If you find yourself attracted to another CDer you might be attacted to the femininity. We are creating an illusion when we dress. Just picture them with their clothes off and that should kill it for you.:)

Counselling is the right choice and I hope your wife cools off. I can't imagine how she felt.

Best of luck!

[STACY B]

Ill bet its more of the texing another person problem than a dressing problem ? Unfatefulness is far worse than a little girl dressing ,,No trust no relationship ! Sorry ,,But keep in mind if it works out ya better count your blessings !

[Paula_56]

This is why I never give out my cell number when meeting other sisters. My meetings are all platonic, but if my wife found out she would freak

[Sara Jessica]

Talk about a double-whammy.

"Yes honey, I like to dress up as a woman. Oh yeah, if that's not hard enough to get your head around, I might be gay as well."

One of these is a given, that you dress up. The other is a supposition by your own admission, that you "are not sure if you are gay". Frankly, that part of it should have been kept quiet. On the dressing front, you might have skated free with a DADT arrangement (based on her reaction to that part of it). On the other, all bets are off. Any woman would have such a difficult time with that admission. Seems a waste to make her feel that way, especially because you don't even know what's up. You could have told her about this part later (if you are in fact gay) once you come to grips with it.

And when you say to her "OK honey, that gay thing, just forget about it because that's not me", do you really think she can, or will?

[daviolin]

Regan, now that the cats out of the bag, the long journey to recovery has just begain. I know, been there done that. Its been three years with my wife and its getting better. I live just down the road apiece from you. Wayland Mi. Please write me. Maybe we can hook up and share. Can't hurt. Daviolin

[Beth Mays]

Talk about a double-whammy.....
And when you say to her "OK honey, that gay thing, just forget about it because that's not me", do you really think she can, or will?

Like a car that has been in an accident... no amount of paint or body work will un-do the collision.

[Antoinette]

Wow that's truly unfortunate. You've got a major challenge to go through, hope you pull through it (v^-^)b

[Ally 2112]

A very tough way to find out .I know a lot of the people on this forum are afraid to tell their spouses but them finding out this way is way worse (my opin).I hope all the best for you and things work out

[LaLaChic]

Are you sexually attracted to men in men's clothing? If yes, then you are gay. Are you attracted to men only when they're in women's clothing? Then you may be "straight" - a Kinsey 1 or 2. Perhaps you're attracted to the feminine mystique AND someone who accepts your cross dressing. Acceptance is intoxicating. Being able to open up to someone who shares your experiences and pain is probably amazing. If this is the case, you may want to work with your counselor to help your wife understand that you crave acceptance.

[celeste26]

This is exactly why many of us prefer to tell anyone we are serious with all about being CD before we marry. Unless of course you started afterward. There really are enough GG's who enjoy and support our activity so that we can all have the open and honest relationships we need.

I sincerely hope that any counseling includes you wife, since she is the one who needs it more than you at this time.

[Rebecca Star]

Trust can be rebuilt. Keep lines of communication open with her. NO more secrets.

Bobbie is right.
Though your going have to eat humble pie for a while.

I don't want to sound like a stick in the mud but honesty is always the best policy. Right now your SO is not only feeling deceived but also confused and is probably also thinking her marriage has been a big sham.

And most probably numb about the entire gambit of your sexuality. Things like safe sex for one etc...etc.



I sincerely hope that any counseling includes you wife, since she is the one who needs it more than you at this time.

The only advice I can offer is... From this point onward telling the whole truth and nothing but the truth!

[TGMarla]

Yes, I'm real sure the therapy can "cure" you, presuming, of course, that there's actually something wrong with you.

[suchacutie]

There are two separate items here, one that has many relationship options (your crossdressing), and one that has fewer relationship options (if you determine you are gay).

She got hit with both of them and the exploding trust issue, and now, unfortunately, has them all mixed together.

I see that she wants you in therapy, but I really think she needs help as well right now. Her emotional explosion needs a place to vent before everything around her is destroyed by the blast. Ask her if she would join you in separate and, eventually, joint therapy. You might have to wait until after your first session so that you can bring up this possibility with your therapist and then tell your wife that the therapist would like to see her as well (assuming he/she does).

my best hopes,

tina

[JenniferR771]

Ragan,
I do not recommend therapy...because...there are too many of them that have no experience or training in gender problems. Unfortunately most of them are willing to give it a shot. You want to avoid the big mental health center on 68th street. It has a conservative religious origin. My counselor gave me a book on sexual addiction. His main cleint speciality was peeping Toms, porn addiction, alcohol addiction and drug addiction. Later he borrowed a book from me, "My husband wears my clothes." His advice "Get rid of all your stuff, apologize, come clean and she will forgive you." I did. She didn't.

I suggest read through the websites of the available people; don't let your wife choose the therapist. Choose someone who has their own books, actual training and experience with crossdressers.

Married with children? Not likely you are gay. Few gay men will put up with living with a woman.

We are born this way. All crossdressers keep it secret, at first. Its the shame, resulting from society disapproval.

Did you wife tell you her complete sexual history before you got married?

Earn her trust. Nobody's perfect. Everyone has a sexual side.

[CINDYO]

i would pretty much think that at your age, you have a darn good idea, actually you know whether you are gay. FacE the facts, i feel so much empathy for your wife, my heart breaks for her. What a brutal way for her to find out. No excuse except selfishness for that!!!! How in the world could you be so lax as to let her find out that way, no only the crossdressing but also that you THINK you MIGHT be gay. How devestating, cruel to her.

[Kaz]

This CD thing definitely causes to question things about ourselves and I will admit to having considered the 'gay' issue continually... by long term enduring personal reflection and challenge I am still sure that I am not... BUT... we all know that this is one of the biggest fears that or SOs have when they 'discover' we are CD. Sadly I agree with others here in that you didn't have dump that on her at the same time... I think that will have been very hard for her to take in. She will need a lot of time to rationalise all this and figure it out in the context your historic life together... she will be revisiting everything I suspect.

But... I am not judgmental and we all need to learn from our mistakes (Jeez, don't I have a few!) and move forward... In the UK we are not so reliant on counselling, we are more into personal reflection and self-awareness... you need to very nice to her and show her that you are the person she thought you were... You are in a real danger that she will think you have both been living a lie since you met!

[ReineD]

She is mainly mad at the deception around chatting with other men.

Yup, that would do it!

This more about where the CDing leads you when you're dressed. I followed past links that you've posted, and honestly if you spent as much energy being interested in sexual pursuits that had nothing to do with the CDing or feminine men (if for example you actively pursued young women online for sex for example), or if you were having a physical or an emotional affair with another woman, or even if you were heavily involved in hetero porn, I think your wife would have an equally difficult time with it.

If you find a therapist that you like, please know that the issue isn't about the CDing just in itself. It's about spending sexual energy outside your marriage to the point where it negatively impacts it.

[Eryn]

Like a car that has been in an accident... no amount of paint or body work will un-do the collision.

Having seen some amazing restorations, I know that this isn't true for either cars or people.

Much depends upon how committed one is to the relationship and how committed the partner is. It is situations like this where you find out whether you and your partner really meant the "for better or worse" part of the marriage vows or if, like 50% of the population, someone lied.

No marriage is static. Every relationship evolves, sometimes gradually, sometimes abruptly, and each partner learns to accommodate the changes in the other.

If the commitment is there and you keep the lines of communications open and you'll do well. I'm hoping for the best!

[Thera Home]

My Dear Regan
My heart goes out to you and your family. I will keep you all in my prayers. Once things settle down a bit. Let her know that this is just a rollercoaster ride in the fog, but be prepared to be her side constantly and lovingly. Also be ready to give everything up(put away or throw away the rollercoaster and tracks) and pray w/ her about. Now, the guys on the phone, Im afraid that one is yours.

Thera

[Shannon C.]

Regan,
My heart goes out to you. Your situation is similar to my own in many ways. I hope that things work out for you and your family. The road ahead will be long and rough, I hope you and your wife find the strength to weather this storm.
Shannon

[max]

If you're still attracted to your wife then you aren't gay. There is a possibility of being bi or the gray area between the "regular" idea of "straight" and bi. Or just straight.

[Brown Eyed Girl]

Wow, I understand this one. After 2 years, every text, every call, every email, every look, every everything is from another CD.....I have a gazillions CD friends all over the universe.

[sometimes_miss]

Ill bet its more of the texing another person problem than a dressing problem ? Unfatefulness is far worse than a little girl dressing ,,No trust no relationship ! Sorry ,,But keep in mind if it works out ya better count your blessings !

Not so. Women seem to often forgive unfaithfulness far better than they do crossdressing, because crossdressing can easily change whether they are sexually attracted to us, or not. There are plenty of women who remain attracted to men who are involved with other women; but there are far fewer who are attracted to feminine men, or worst case, transexual MtF persons. Only we CD'ers see a 'little' girl dressing as no big deal (that's one effect of being on these forums and becoming overcome with the 'pink fog' that makes us forget how the rest of the world REALLY thinks about us!), the rest of the world see it as a really BIG deal!.

All I can say, Regan, is to be prepared for the worst possible outcome. It may not come to that, but be prepared anyway.
Then, LaLachic wrote:

Are you attracted to men only when they're in women's clothing? Then you may be "straight [
Uh, no. If you know they are male, and are sexually attracted to them, doesn't matter what they are dressed as, gorilla suit, evening gown, or fire hydrant; you are at least bisexual.

[Jill Devine]

This is exactly why many of us prefer to tell anyone we are serious with all about being CD before we marry. Unless of course you started afterward. There really are enough GG's who enjoy and support our activity so that we can all have the open and honest relationships we need.

I sincerely hope that any counseling includes you wife, since she is the one who needs it more than you at this time.
The CDing is actually the secondary problem here. In their case, the major issue is that the poster could be gay and was apparently flirting with another man. That's a much bigger show stopper than CDing.

[Regan]

Thanks everyone I am seeing a good therapist and my wife and I are doing a lot of talking. She does not care about the dressing, her main issue right now is the lies and killing the trust. I am not sure where the dressing will fit but at least we are working on keeping the marriage together for now. There have been a few blow ups, which she deserves, but all in all things are o.k. right now and have good chance of coming out o.k.. I also do realize at anytime she can decide not to continue the marriage but I am trying to do everything I can to find out who I really am and be the husband she deserves.

Regan

[Jacqueline Winona]

Best of luck, Regan, and it's good of you to update us. Keep the communication open with her at home and know that I'm sending you good thoughts on how this turns out.

[Lady Panda]

To all:

On our family trip down to Florida my wife found a text from another CD and we pulled over and I had to tell her that it was a man and I am a cross dresser and not sure if I am gay.
Regan

Awws Regan....sorry to hear that she found out that way....

Maybe from an objective female perspective this can give you some understanding....the CD is not really the big deal in this situation...her issue is the texting and chatting w CD's and men is the big issue. The potential for cheating that could have happened is what she is mostly fearing...cheating w a man is that hardest because she feels if it was a woman she could at least have a chance to compete and win u back but, with a man she can't even begin to compete ...she has absolutely no way to compete and win.

as for the possible gay issue...
a few things that may help u to figure out.....think back when you were a kid back before you really thought about sexual things : were you attracted to males or was your first crushes girls. this may be an indication of which way you lean....most first crushes on real people/movies stars are fairly true to which way you lean.

2nd...if you have children you may at least be Bi...pardon my crassness ....if you could get it up w her to have relations you are at least Bi. possibly staight w femme tendancies towards guys. I have many gay friends that state that they would now way be able to get it up w a woman w/o some serious fantisizing. Most gay men cannot.

Being a CD is something you were born with, just like your personality, and whether one is gay or not. . It is who you are cannot change what is intrinsically who you are. You can only modify behaviors.

Just hang in there .....evrything will turn out for the best. It will be alot of work.....

Good luck! HUGS! take care of you .

[linda allen]

Like any of us who have ever "come out" or been caught, my wife asked me if I was gay or "turning". I assured her that I was and am not.

While I have some virtual friends on this forum who are crossdressers, It has never occured to me to contact them privately, call them on the phone, or meet them in person. It's nothing personal, just not a relationship I want.

I can easily see that a woman who found out her husband was secretly seeing men on the side and especially while dressed as a female would be really upset. I'm not sure a woman wouldn't be more upset to find her husband running around with a man than if he was running around with a woman.

None of us here can fix this for you even if you want it to be fixed. It's something you and your wife will have to work out for yourselves. I wish you the best of luck.

[Regan]

Lady Panda

You are correct about what is really upsetting her. We are working on the whole thing and I am seeing a good therapist about all my issues. I realize the cd thing is something from birth and so I just need to get clarity around the gay\bi issue. Thanks for your input you are very insightful

Regan

[Lady Panda]

Regan,
you are very welcome. I have been around the block so to speak many times. I have talked many times with friends about many things ...lot of gay people that I have worked with. I am a Hair dresser.
I have helped many friends of My daughter that are teenagers helping to come to grips with coming out being gay and lesbian.

I live my life by my heart.

My SO is also a CD.

I am prone to long walks just contemplating things......and a few psych classes ... was considering being a councellor for a time. Stilll I like to help when I can.

Good luck with your woman.

Pease keep us posted ...and if you wanna talk .....you can post or message.


BIG HUGS!!!

[Regan]

I have been working with my therapist that the gay portion could be an addiction to the idea of being with a man. I am also looking at the dressing in the same manner. I let him know Saturday that I just cannot see the dressing in the same way, I do not know if I can give it up. He did suggest I talk to my wife about the possibility of bringing the dressing side of me into our relationship, if she would be open to it. She told me in no uncertain terms that she does not like the dressing and does not want to have anything to do with it. The problem also is the kids and I cannot risk screwing them up and so I have to decide how what to do with my urges to dress. I can see more and more that the gay portion might be an addiction but I really cannot see how I am going to put the dressing away. Well I just keep working on it and will keep you updated. Also thanks for all the support and I especially appreciate the fact that everyone here is not afraid to tell me how it is, I really need that right now so thanks.

Regan