Who cares, so what?

[sandra-leigh]

Been a long time since I had an evening like that...

After work yesterday, I went over to a nearby mall food court, ate something there, popped back to work, and then (10pm-ish) went to a bar I used to go to a fair bit but haven't been to for some time. After the bar, I ended up having to walk a distance to get a taxi.

I was wearing a very simple denim skirt, about half-way down to the knee. My white shirt laced up at the top, and curved around my bust. I am an in-between bust size, A-ish cup, firm, just a little more than fits in your hand, large enough for people to think "What else could they be but breasts" but small enough for most people to likely be uncertain.

As usual my hair is past shoulder-length, and my dangling earrings would have peeked out; but I wasn't wearing any makeup at all.

So I went about my business, going here and there -- and I don't think I've ever been hassled by so many people in one night before! Not big groups, just a number of groups of 2s and 3s. A variety of ages, from (perhaps) 11-ish, to (perhaps) 30-ish. I counted at least 7 different people verbally taking swipes at me, some directly addressing to me, some not directly addressing but with a clear intent that I hear them. If I recall correctly, all of the people who said things were male, but certainly some of the people who laughed were women (I didn't include those in the "7")

Mostly "Is that a guy?" and "Are you a guy?", but also "That's rude" (said in a tone referencing my clothes... almost implying that it wouldn't have been so bad if they had been better clothes.)

And part of me is disappointed, maybe slightly hurt, but more-so I've been saying, "Eh, so what?" I am what I am for me, not for passers-by I don't even know. So I wasn't fashionable -- but I was out enjoying myself.

====

At the bar, I was fortunate enough to get a chance to talk for a while to two women I haven't had a chance to see for perhaps 18 months. Both are quite attractive, intelligent, and friendly. They've both seen me completely Dressed a number of times and have no problem with the idea. (They have MTF and FTM friends. One of them toured with a fringe play on the topic of FTM, and became friends with Kate Bornstein along the way.) That part was a very nice evening, talking with accepting friends.

=====

So, Life is a mix. You get heckled sometimes by people who don't know you :doh:, but you get to spend quality time with people who do know you and whom are happy you are doing what you need to be yourself. :)

[KellyJameson]

Your experience shows how much pressure is placed on the individual to be definable
and categorize as one or the other and when it is not possible people react out of fear displayed sometimes as disgust.

I fight with my fear of others fear and how they will respond to me and usually I lose by not going out in public unless I have taken steps so there is no confusion
in what gender I am according to others interpretations and than feel anger at myself for giving into this fear and bending to others stereotypes.

I admire that you are able to say "so what" and hope I to may someday be there.

[sandra-leigh]

I fight with my fear of others fear and how they will respond to me

It isn't easy to deal with, except perhaps for a few people like me who have been outcast long enough that there isn't that much further to fall.

Just a moment ago, I happened to do an online assessment on perfectionism. One of the results was that apparently I don't care much what other people think of me (and that's news ? :heehee: ), to which the quiz warned that I may be losing opportunities due to my insistence (their word) on being a nonconformist (their word). Which is a fair enough warning: there can be unwanted consequences to being yourself.

It sounds like you are struggling with your feelings about those potential consequences, trying to balance your need to avoid risks against the need to be you.

Are there real risks? Yes.

That evening, a moment after I left the bar, I realized that I should have gone to the washroom. Pretty much nothing in the area was open except bars and hotels, so part of my wandering looking for a taxi was my trying to figure out where I could stop for relief. One of the possibilities I considered was going back to my office, which is locked up but security would let me in. If I had gone back there, I probably would have walked right through a major intersection where (I learned later in the paper) someone had been stabbed and pepper-sprayed by a group of people about 20 minutes earlier. No motive indicated the last time I checked the story. If that attack happened to be about plain robbery, or happened to be about drunk people who could have been triggered by anything unusual, then I could have been the person in the wrong place at the wrong time :sad: By comparison, getting asked outright if I was a guy harmed only my pride, and I can live with that.

[Kristy_K]

There will always be people that will disprove of you no matter who or what you are or what you are wearing.

I finally figure out that life is to short to worry about them or what they think.

[Traci Elizabeth]

Sandra,

Everyone has a bad day now and then. I would chalk it off as just that and not dwell on it. I know it can be hurtful to be called a man. That has happened to all of us one time or another. But for us to be successful, we have to be like rubber wherein everything just bounces off of us and we move forward from these "moments" with out head held high.

When that use to happen to me, I would respond with, "Excuse Me!" in a firm confident "female" voice. No one ever had the nerve to comment after that.