Gender confusion question

[Delila]

This may be in the wrong thread but I have a question related to gender confusion. I have shifted back on forth on my gender identity. My question is do any of you think that there is some middle ground whith gender? I shift often between fully wanting to be female and wanting to be a CDer. I sometimes or even often wish that I could live fully female but I also want to be male sometimes. The sometimes wanting to be male are usually plagued by my wanting to dress. I wish I could go further but not lose my male part of myself. I love my wife and sexually I usually identify as male but there are plently of times I identify as female. I suppose my question is are there any out there that have found a middle ground between crossdressing with potential body modifications and going full female?

[ReineD]

Yes, there is a middle ground.

There is a gradient to everything: personality traits (some people are very reserved, others extremely outgoing, with everything else in between), interests (given any one activity, some people can take it or leave it, others become avid participants, and again there is everything else in between), to ranging value judgments, ranging IQs, and even physical gender (some people have either male or female primary and secondary sexual characteristics, while others have a wide range of intersex conditions).

So if there is a range in everything else, why would there not be in gender identity? You do have male characteristics (testosterone) that inform the chemicals released by your brain that in turn inform your moods and your desires. And you also have aspects of feminine gender identity. If one is not causing the other distress (save for the confusion that comes with believing that you MUST choose one or the other), then why would you feel you need to choose? You should just go with the flow for as long as you need to, while having trust within yourself that if ever things begin to sway more towards one side, you can act on it then.

My SO identifies as dualgender, which really is a gender all its own that has characteristics of both. Granted, she did spend many years questioning, researching, experimenting, and defining ... until she found her very own balance.

Just food for thought.

[Delila]

Thank you. It is a great comfort to know that I am not the only one that needs to find a balance. I have long thought that gender identity is either male or female. It is only recently that I have considered that both may be a possibility. It's really a shame that such questions have to be so difficult I honestly think in a world where gender identity is viewed as a variable most of our lives would be much simpler.

[ReineD]

It's true that none of us were raised in environments that taught us about gender and sexual variance. We do understand more about sexual variance than a few generations ago, but the topic of gender non-conformity is very slow coming to the forefront of societal awareness.

What's important is for you to follow your own feelings. If you feel like being a girl, be a girl and enjoy it. Do the same if you feel like being a guy. And if sometimes you like to be in between, then just be in between.

I'll tell you something else about my SO. She realized that her gender expression is one of many parts of who she is. She also has her work that is hugely important to her, other passions, family members, political beliefs, etc. And she is involved with others, doing all these things. She realized a long time ago that the world she lives in is not ready to fully understand someone who is outside of the gender binary (strictly neither male nor female). And so she has weighed all her options, decided what is more and less important to her, and she has constructed her life so that she can be herself whenever she wants to, while preserving the aspects of her male life that she also cherishes, with people who cannot understand her/him. Like I said, she has achieved her very own balance, her very own definitions with all of this and she is happy.

[Stephanie47]

I believe each of us have some percentage of male and female feelings. I have used the terminology "Stephanie and her twin brother." The dominant gender coincides with my physical body. I enjoy being a man. I do not necessarily enjoy doing everything a man is taught to do in life. I also enjoy the time Stephanie decides she needs to give her twin brother some relaxation. She kind of shoves him aside, and, she takes over. Stephanie alleviates his stresses in life. It's like he's on vacation. Just as the body needs a cat nap some times or a power nap, sometimes he needs a brief rest. Stephanie loves to present herself in a manner of femininity she grew accustomed to in their youth.

Delila, if you are feeling torn between your male and female inner feelings, and, you do want to enjoy both the male and female sides, it is necessary to learn self control. It is necessary to recognize the responsibilities you signed on for in life. Look at your wife, and, the job she does in your family. I did not go back through your threads and comments to see if you have kids. However, if you want to emulate a woman, you have to be aware a woman is not all about wearing pretty dresses, heels and lingerie. I think many cross dressers have a restrictive view of what a woman is. She is a wife, and, puts up with crap from her husband. She gives birth to children, and, wipes their butts, raises them, and sometimes has the heartache of burying them early.

There are "manly" things to do to relieve stress. There are "manly" things to do to have fun with a wife and children. There is an acknowledgment by my inner woman, Stephanie, that there is a time for her to appear and a time for her twin brother to be himself. So far, they have gotten along as a brother and sister.

[AshleyScott]

Delila, bonjour from France... I think your questioning is probably something that many people address at different times in their lives in different ways.

I know that throughout my life I have often fantasised about having 2 X chromosomes instead of an X and Y - many times trying to imagine what it would be like if I could swap bodies with my First Wife. How would it feel to be married to the XY me? What would intercourse feel like? What are the emotions of carrying and giving birth to children. Am I a better home maker or a better hunter?

These, and many, many other questions that are traditionally identified as Feminine and/or Masculine. And I don't suppose for one moment that I’m alone in this questioning. However, I do wonder if it is normal (whatever that means) :brolleyes:

When I look at our, so called, "civilised" society, I do wonder just how many of us are so easily brain washed into believing that (for example) male is male and female is female - and never the two shall meet.

I can't recall who made the original observation, but I often bring to mind the fact that "one man's terrorist is another man's hero". Personally, I am happy to have come across this forum wherein I can converse with like minded "Males" and "Females" and assuage my curiosity.

I don't believe there is a middle ground... I think that your original post demonstrates a healthy enquiring mind. Enjoy :)

[prene]

This may be in the wrong thread but I have a question related to gender confusion. I have shifted back on forth on my gender identity. My question is do any of you think that there is some middle ground whith gender? I shift often between fully wanting to be female and wanting to be a CDer. I sometimes or even often wish that I could live fully female but I also want to be male sometimes. The sometimes wanting to be male are usually plagued by my wanting to dress. I wish I could go further but not lose my male part of myself. I love my wife and sexually I usually identify as male but there are plently of times I identify as female. I suppose my question is are there any out there that have found a middle ground between crossdressing with potential body modifications and going full female?

Yes all the way for me.

I many times think I could lose my male part easier though, and never look back?

Who knows

[Delila]

I believe each of us have some percentage of male and female feelings. I have used the terminology "Stephanie and her twin brother." The dominant gender coincides with my physical body. I enjoy being a man. I do not necessarily enjoy doing everything a man is taught to do in life. I also enjoy the time Stephanie decides she needs to give her twin brother some relaxation. She kind of shoves him aside, and, she takes over. Stephanie alleviates his stresses in life. It's like he's on vacation. Just as the body needs a cat nap some times or a power nap, sometimes he needs a brief rest. Stephanie loves to present herself in a manner of femininity she grew accustomed to in their youth.

Delila, if you are feeling torn between your male and female inner feelings, and, you do want to enjoy both the male and female sides, it is necessary to learn self control. It is necessary to recognize the responsibilities you signed on for in life. Look at your wife, and, the job she does in your family. I did not go back through your threads and comments to see if you have kids. However, if you want to emulate a woman, you have to be aware a woman is not all about wearing pretty dresses, heels and lingerie. I think many cross dressers have a restrictive view of what a woman is. She is a wife, and, puts up with crap from her husband. She gives birth to children, and, wipes their butts, raises them, and sometimes has the heartache of burying them early.

There are "manly" things to do to relieve stress. There are "manly" things to do to have fun with a wife and children. There is an acknowledgment by my inner woman, Stephanie, that there is a time for her to appear and a time for her twin brother to be himself. So far, they have gotten along as a brother and sister.

Thank you, Beautifully said. I do not have children so that is not part of my stress thankfully. I have often personally referred to Delila as my alter ego. Twins may perhaps be a better description. Some of what Delila is amounts to stress relief and of course that is how I explain it to my wife. Sometimes Delila is there even when I don't need stress relief she or really I am just another part of my own being that absolutely needs acknowledgement. Often I repress her in order to make my wife more comfortable. I suppose my main point is that I could never imagine transitioning though I could see myself going part way (boobs and hip and butt implants).

[Delila]

Bienvenu, Of all of your post the word healthy stands out and I want to thank you for it. Often even when reading posts on this site I am concerned about the health of my mind. I can relate to much of your post and I d understand that society has a problem dealing with CDers even though gay marriage and other lifestyles have become more accepted. at some point as a country we need to come to an agreement.

[noeleena]

Hi,

For my self its not a problem or an issue iv ever had, being different has seen to that aspect of my life, though being born both male /female does have advantages, gender confusion, really has no meaning for me. how do i identifie, most know me as a woman yet know my background, both from a male/female perspective,

Comeing to grips with who you are can be a problem & for many it is, both men & women, self acceptance selfesteem & really just being who you are is very importaint some times we dont all just come with that on the day we are born so we need to grow in to our self's , And that can take time, & getting to were you can & should be, i know iv been on that road for many years, though now its all changed in a lovely way really its pretty neat. so we can move ahead when we are... ready to ....

For myself i really just am who i am & people have no issues with that of cause there was an ajustment time like any thing in life we ...need ...to grow,

You said you go back & forth so weres the problem do you mean how you think or do things is it about, oh dear this is only for men or only for women.. i dont see an issue , unless you make it one,

My thinking is all wraped up in one & the things i do is no different i dont think as a male or a female i think as both to gether, there is no difference not for this kid may be i have an advantage , just be who you are dont over think this because all itll do in the end is mess you up. till you cant live with your self, & thats not what we need,

Just accept who you are & be who you are, simple maybe , yet thats all it takes,

...noeleena...

[Sandra1746]

All the previous posts are correct, there is typically a "blend" of gender in everyone. If you look at it from a female (GG) perspective you will see it in the "tomboy" girl. Ones who play rougher sports or enjoy more "male-oriented" hobbies. They however are more easily accepted in society; far more so than a "feminine boy". Society will evolve, it does take time though.

Gender is not a binary, just look at some of the scholarly writings on the subject (e.g. Harry Benjamin and others), it is a continuum of shades of grey on a scale from black to white. We also can, and do, drift back and forth along the scale; our position is not fixed. For myself, I can dress more femme now because I am retired. My job would not have permitted such an activity.

Learn about yourself and discover where along the scale you are most comfortable. Everyone finds their own region based on their own unique circumstances. Above all, find a "comfort zone" and enjoy life.

Hugs,
Sandra1746

[Kate Simmons]

It's called getting in touch with yourself and your feelings Hon. We wear a lot of "hats" sometimes which include different specialties. Some of these specialties work better for US in one mode over the other for whatever reason. Once we are in touch with all of our feelings we realize which mode better suits the task we are wishing to accomplish. :)

[Tina B.]

Yes there is balance, but we each have to find our own balance point, no two are the same. The trick to finding it, is finding out who you are, and what you need to fulfill both sides of your gender personality. For me at this time in life, I've found if I dress 40 to 50 % of the time at home, I'm cool. Some times it's more some times less, but because I can dress when I want with out pressure on me, it's always enough. It took years to learn this about myself, I used to resist dressing until I couldn't help myself, and then go wild with it for a little while, and then back to denial. now, I dress when ever the mood strikes, and if there are other things to do, no big deal, I'll get back to dressing when time allows. I do have shaved legs, and thinned eyebrows, most of the time. other than that I've no plans for body modifications.
Tina B.

[Beverley Sims]

Yes find the middle ground and work on it.
I really do not need any more breast growth and silicone does it for me.
Sometimes man and sometimes woman.
Dressed a a woman I like to live the part.
Even if I do check women out.:)

[Jason+]

Delila,

I live in the middle ground myself. I questioned for a time if I should have been female since it seems I like so many things and traits that have been designated as womens alone. After putting a lot of thought into it I realized that in my case being male didn't feel wrong. The confusing part was the list of "can haves" and "can not haves" that was automatically attached to it. The true middle ground between crossdressing with body modifications and going full female will depend on where you ultimately decide you are.

[Barbara Ella]

As Sandra said, and others have stressed, sex may be binary, but gender is a gradient. A term that is used sometimes is gender fuild,where you can easily move between the two. I am new to recognizing that I am transgendered, and like you, I seem to bounce rather than move easily between the two, but I am learning more about who I am and how to blend the two evary day, so I do believe that there is a balance point and it is just a matter of time as I sort out the two different sets of feelings and behaviors. Just stay the course, and enjoy each side of you and eventually they will meet at their balance point.

Barbara

[ReineD]

As Sandra said, and others have stressed, sex may be binary, but gender is a gradient.

Barbara, sex is a gradient too: http://www.isna.org/faq/frequency

[Josie M]

Don't know if I can add much more to what was already said other than I've spent much time trying to figure myself out over the years and I definitely think of myself as two-spirit. The stress seems seems to come mostly from trying to ignore or suppress any part of me for too long. It's like I'm not being fully myself.

Another poster said alluded to a romanticized view of femininity. Sometimes, I wish it were that simple...like it was just some sort of "dress-up" game. I now understand that I am who I am, and aspects of who I am are defined as feminine by this culture. I also find that expressing myself as such on occasion makes me feel more "normal" at times.

If I ignore it, or try to suppress it, it always pushes back...and I feel like, if I had been born female instead of male, I would have happily grown up female.

[Lucy_Bella]

That is a great question and I am surprised not many other TG's have answered this.. So I will speak only on behalf of myself ,..I know the SEX of my inner self will always dominate male ..Knowing this keeps my feminine urges at bay , meaning it stops me from doing anything I will regret at a later time. This includes exposing my Feminine self to the world and all I know ( even tho there are times I have strong urges to be seen )...It also includes not altering my body to a more feminine appearance ( with excepting of facial hair ).. Most of the time I keep a balance but there are battles that I endure while expressing myself in Fem to" NOT DO".. Like shaping eye brows or shaving my fore arms ..

I have a stronger need expressing myself masculine as if it's subliminal , In other words , even when expressing in Fem I do have a stronger masculine side than feminine .. I only use hair because I have little left of my own to express while enfem and if I did have a great mane I would still keep it short with a guy cut , I do not use or find a need for shapers or fake breast that takes ( for me ) the real feeling away while expressing.. So some will say I do this just to keep my Masculine life trouble free ..True , yes in part , but look at it this way also ...If I am TG ( male ) I would like to pass just as well or better in a male role than I would in a female role there is very little difference other than the hair , clothes and sometimes lite make-up between us ( meaning my male self and Lucy )..

[docrobbysherry]

You're still young, Delila. I didn't get myself together until I was in my later 30's. And, that was decades before I thot of trying on any women's things!

I suggest u go with what u r feeling at the moment! If u feel like dressing, dress. Drab? Do that. Thots of becoming female? Let your mind and exploration of same go!

If u continue in that pattern, I predict in a few years u will know exactly who u r and what u want! (More or less!)

[Annaliese2010]

It's totally possible to possess two selves, or distinct personalities, male vs female, where only one of you dominates at a time ie. fully manifests to the total exclusion of the other. In other words you are either your male self OR your female self, each with distinct ways of thought separate tastes, attitudes and behavior. Lets say you're male self is normally fully manifest. That's ok. You're not denying Delila's individuality nor in conflict with her right to BE herself, 'cause when time & place are ripe or you feel her stir, wanting to get out or surface, or by your own preference you want to take a break, transition...you just allow it; 'trade places', if you will, where your intact male self 'surrenders' to her. As she comes out, you fade to background. Now Her personality is free to fully express itself, evolve & develop while you take a back seat & respect her right to take control. Actually it's like, you, your male self goes to sleep...sort of..till you transition back again by whatever triggers it...usually the practicalities of the work-a-day world or responsibilities to family & friends. Point is...both your male & female selves can coexist minus all the angst & conflict of one of you fighting for full control. IMHO one benefits by allowing both sides independence & free expression in an either/or M2F/F2M trade off manner.

[vivianann]

Great thread, I myself have been where you are now trying to figure out where I fit in the wide spectrum of transgenderism. I did alot of soul searching, such as should I get srs, why am I attracted to gg's, but I want to dress as a woman, should I be attracted to men, etc. etc. .
It was after alot of soul searching, that I came to the conclusion that I can dress as a woman and keep my male parts, and date gg's, and it does not matter whether I live part time as a woman or full time as a woman, that I can keep my genitailia as it is. I would like to get my whiskers removed, and my body hairs removed also. I would like to get breast implants though, but I dont want srs.
I appreciate what you posted about this subject ReineD, it solidifies what I experienced concerning where I am on the gender scale.

[Sandy Michaels]

it's one of those things that most of us here go through. it happens to me a few times a year. the important thing is not to rush into anything. if i had the time to go see a specialist i would. thankfully i have i supportive partner and sister. they keep me sane until i am able to see someone. i suggest you find the same. the little thing always help.

[KellyJameson]

I'm not sure you can do anything to lose the "male part of yourself" if it is
real and not a role (act) that you adopted to survive and fit into society with.

The balance or what I like to think of as a natural equilibrium that each person is predisposed toward and to seek and express sometimes requires experimenting with ones life trying on different roles to find a comfortable fit and in some ways this is a life long process because we are always changing so must always be adapting to our environment.

I have often wondered about the unique challenges posed by a feminine mind in a male body because the sexual energy seems contrary to the emotional energy.

As someone who apparently is TS but yet is heterosexual I have found only one woman out of many who complimented me psychologically allowing for my own sexual expression and for lack of better words her thinking and emotional expression was very masculine so we fit perfectly together but for me the pull toward the feminine was to strong and I could not live within the limits of the relationship.

It became more important for my body to align with my natural energy to quiet my mind than for me to find my other half, she was my "soulmate" but I rejected the limits imposed on me by my body and so rejected my sexuality which never felt "normal" anyway.

It is clear to me that this was determined for me at birth and she was my soulmate because psychologically she was FTM. If we both had transitioned than the relationship would have been continued.

How flexible your sexuality is in relation to your identity will lead you to the discovery of your natural equilibrium between the duality of male female energies that everyone carries.

For me identity trumps sexuality but I'm an extreme example and have always lived
with severe dysphoria, I just did not understand at the time what it was.

I would think a male who falls on the TG spectrum would have to be far more imaginative in there approach to sex but it does not have to be the death knell to sexual expression if your own partners self esteem is not threatened by stepping out of predetermined safe roles and her energy is a complement to your own.

[Gillian Gigs]

Is there a middle ground? There is a whole world of middle ground between two extremes that too many seem to want to run to. It seems that the masculine extreme is the one that men are running to, and the women are drifting more into the middle ground as they got their freedom of expression that came with the start of the 20th century. The real question is, why are so many men running to the extreme end? Is it homophobia, or just the streotyping that we are getting through movies and the media every day? Both men and women should have the freedom to express themselves in the way that they like, as long as it does not hurt or infringe on some one elses freedom.

[NathalieX66]

Gender is a spectrum, not an absolute place. Pick your spot....feel free to move about.

Most folks fit somewhere in the binary of gender, i.e, you are either male or female.

Transsexuals also fit in the gender binary, they just happen to not fit in the the gender they were born with.

Many folks like myself are non-binary, and tend to float somewhere along the gender spectrum, and not staying in one place. Gender fluid or bi-gender are two terms, both fit me well. I like the aspect of being both feminine and masculine.

[AmandaM]

Thank you. It is a great comfort to know that I am not the only one that needs to find a balance. I have long thought that gender identity is either male or female. It is only recently that I have considered that both may be a possibility. It's really a shame that such questions have to be so difficult I honestly think in a world where gender identity is viewed as a variable most of our lives would be much simpler.

Hi Delila, I am inbetween too as far as I can tell. I think I'm "mostly" female. When I'm in guy mode, I go from feeling comfortable, to be being uncomfortable, at no time do I "enjoy" being a guy. When I'm in drag, I go from feeling comfortable, to being very relaxed and happy. At no time am I uncomfortable. I also have TS feelings that range from an annoyance to downright distressful. I don't know if they're genuine, or the product of stress. The grass is greener kind of thing. In my viewpoint, I'm at least a "True Transvestite", to use an old term. I think I could be a non-op TS, but I'm not sure. I sometimes want to grow breasts, remove my beard, etc. and have toyed with the idea of SRS and FFS. But I don't want to harm the way we're raising our kids for it. Besides, like I said, I'm not sure about the extent of my potential TS'ism. Would I try to live as a woman, I don't know, it's an attractive idea. If I could get away with it, and "pass", etc. I think I'd try. I guess in summation, I'm just inbetween TV and TS and "float" back and forth from one to the other.

[bobbimo]

Hi Delila,
Its a very confusing thing we do, and the more we do it the more confusing it gets.
There are several web site that off free gender tests.
Ive taken several of them and they all they all me I need both genders in my life to be happy.
That was a great relief to not have to wonder if I should be a woman, and not a man.
SO CD fits me perfectly. I can enjoy the best of both genders

[jillleanne]

It's true that none of us were raised in environments that taught us about gender and sexual variance. We do understand more about sexual variance than a few generations ago, but the topic of gender non-conformity is very slow coming to the forefront of societal awareness.

What's important is for you to follow your own feelings. If you feel like being a girl, be a girl and enjoy it. Do the same if you feel like being a guy. And if sometimes you like to be in between, then just be in betwe

I'll tell you something else about my SO. She realized that her gender expression is one of many parts of who she is. She also has her work that is hugely important to her, other passions, family members, political beliefs, etc. And she is involved with others, doing all these things. She realized a long time ago that the world she lives in is not ready to fully understand someone who is outside of the gender binary (strictly neither male nor female). And so she has weighed all her options, decided what is more and less important to her, and she has constructed her life so that she can be herself whenever she wants to, while preserving the aspects of her male life that she also cherishes, with people who cannot understand her/him. Like I said, she has achieved her very own balance, her very own definitions with all of this and she is happy.

Yep, that's me to a 'T'.

[Maddie22]

This may be in the wrong thread but I have a question related to gender confusion. I have shifted back on forth on my gender identity. My question is do any of you think that there is some middle ground whith gender? I shift often between fully wanting to be female and wanting to be a CDer. I sometimes or even often wish that I could live fully female but I also want to be male sometimes. The sometimes wanting to be male are usually plagued by my wanting to dress. I wish I could go further but not lose my male part of myself. I love my wife and sexually I usually identify as male but there are plently of times I identify as female. I suppose my question is are there any out there that have found a middle ground between crossdressing with potential body modifications and going full female?

I understand where you're coming from completely! I know many crossdressers here are very comfortable with just that, being a crossdresser where it's just about the clothes. I may appear or have the lifestyle of what some would consider a hyper or intense crossdresser, but I don't identify mentally with that. It's not about the clothes for me, it's much more than that.

While many people here have brought up that gender is set on a continuum, most people still look at it as a continuum on a line. i think of it as a continuum that is an infinite sphere. You can be very masculine in some areas of life, and very feminine in other areas. You say you're trying to find a middle ground, I would pose for you to try to find a balance or equilibrium which is what my current goals are.

Sometimes I feel that I have dual natures, or perhaps bigendered. However, I'm not comfortable with the two selves thought either. I want to find ME as a whole person. Right now, I'm trying to accept my feminine characteristics (including mannerisims, personality, thoughts, self expression etc...) into my everyday existence no matter if I'm presenting as a female or male.

I'm not ruling out that I may need to transition, if that is where my balance is in fact. However I need to be totally sure of that, and thus, I continue my pursuit of finding that balance or equilibrium.

As long as your living life and not hurting others, experiment with yourself and find out what you feel comfortable with and what you don't feel comfortable with. See what aspects of mixing your femininity with your masculinity make you the most happy!

I wish you much luck on your journey!