Wrought Perspectives

[Anna Talyn]

Aging has some benefit - perspective. Some perspectives are wrought from the struggles of life and some are much subtler. This is just my current perspectives. I know over the years there have been many versions on this topic for me. I wonder what perspective will be gained in the years to come.

A few current perspectives in as simple form as I know how:

Am I a crossdresser or transgendered? Is there a difference and what is the impact?http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/6/6e/A_Yin-Yang-Yuan_TransGender-Symbol.png
For me the difference is I happened to mostly like myself as a guy. I didn't feel like I was trapped in wrong body as one might associate with transgenderism. I instead felt I should have been both. Based on my experience and research I feel this occurs at a genetic level- I was born this way. It was not environment, trauma, or choice. I became conscious that I was different at age 4. Not something you choose and continue at and after that age.

I feel that guilt and suppression of my gift and differences led to divergence in concept of self, instead of just being me. My brain and soul were unsettled as a result. As I grew older I tried to downplay, justify, and kid myself. I said it was a phase, I could will it away, it was just sexual, it was just a preference and hobby, etc. All trying to convince myself it was less of an issue than it was. I didn't want to hurt or burden anyone else with it, knowing how much pain it caused me I couldn't fathom spreading that to the ones I loved. I did't have the perspective or the confidence and understanding to even talk about it openly if I had wanted to.

Do I want to be woman? Do I wish I was born a female?

I laid out some current positions about Anna in the blog post linked below. I do not want to transition in reality but there are many things physically I wished would translate better between male and female presentations. I feel I am both, not one or the other. Really right now I just want to be me. I have a lot of catching up to do. I really never got to know much about a big part of my personality and need to explore to figure out just who Anna is and how we can become closer to one. I think this is truly the best answer to my birth gift.

How do you live with the duality? Can there be a balance?

Ying & yang, zen, balance. I think balance it the key. Suppression of my female side led tobmany side effects, or at least exaggerated impact. Anxiety, depression, self confidence, related health concerns. Ignoring a large part of myself left that part feeling very lonely. It is a pain that still exists today. The loneliness of Anna is compounded by lack of recognition, validation, acknowledgement, and even a basic acceptance. It feels like only part of me can be loved completely and the difficult parts do not have to be forced never to return, rather never be part of real life. A person exists and therefore is whole by that fact. A balance, partnership, merging, sharing, or similar needs to be found. There is a zen Buddhism concept I read that I especially like:

"In order to experience the answer to this question for yourself, you must come to three realizations. First, you must truly realize that life is fleeting. Next, you must understand that you are already complete, worthy, whole. Finally, you must see you are your own refuge, your own sanctuary, your own salvation."

Maybe a balance is possible after all.

Love & peace,

Anna

Related blog:

http://annatalyn.wordpress.com/2012/06/08/sharing-anna-a-logical-brief-of-an-illogical-paradox/

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/d/d8/Worpswede_Bonze_des_Lachens.jpg/300px-Worpswede_Bonze_des_Lachens.jpg

[noeleena]

Hi,

First ? answer is no, none of those,

2 nd ? Again no i did not wish to be a woman , or a male for that matter.

3 rd ? Duality, can there be a balance,. yes ,

When your intersexed you have both, & yes i live with both, so my advantage is compleat. i dont wish or need to be a male or female because i was given that at birth well long before that really,

I just happen to be one of those people who is happy content being who i am & yes i have grown in to my self as i should be,

no hang ups no missgiveings or regrets .

A balance is only possible when we accept who we are what we are & be who we can be , some times some miss out because they see there body is at odds with how they see then selfs body wise, & yes that takes time to work through,

so of cause we have a lot going for us meds surgerys if they are needed, yet really its whats going on Mentalally ,Psychologically .& Emotionally, when we have that in the right perspetive then i belive we can grow to be who we should be .

...noeleena...

[Karren H]

Life is fleeting too fast..... Personally I'd trade all my perspective to be 20 again....

[Anna Talyn]

Life is fleeting too fast..... Personally I'd trade all my perspective to be 20 again....

Ha. True that. But I wouldn't want to risk listing anything I have now my life.

[Annaliese2010]

I understand what you're feeling Anna. My experience is somewhat similiar to yours except I don't feel the need to integrate My self with my male self. We coexist but in an all or nothing way. Only one of us manifests at any one time. When I am 'out' he is 'in' or submerged somewhere in the deep recess of mind. He's minimally aware but quiescent and largely uninterested in whats happening 'above' where I am now, myself alive & fully free to be myself, express myself, think & behave as I do and basically live my life unaffected by his beliefs, tastes & biases, habits of behavior.

When my male self 'surrenders' to me, if you will, he then fades to the way background; submerges, sort of like going to sleep, but not in an oblivious sense. His & my personalities are distinct and obviously very different since I'm a woman & he's a man. Then when it's time, we'll 'switch places' as I surrender to him when he returns to the foreground once again, expressing His own distinct personality, his ways of thinking & behaving, unaffected by whatever my experiences were just prior. There's no power struggle or conflict for control. It's a symbiotic, maybe even synergistic relationship between the two of us.

This may be unusual, perhaps a very individual, unique or at least less common psychodynamic wrt how I was born, IDK. But the fact remains, there are two independent, different & distinct selves in me where it's either myself Or him present, never both. It's not perfect and he mostly predominates but I dont really need to get out all that much. When I want to he almost always concedes. So far it seems to work and we are both satisfied. We respect each other but never really interact or feel the need to integrate or merge (perish the thought!). I don't care to even consider that because I am basically averse to male interaction..though sometimes I suspect the reverse isn't true ie. I get the feeling he is really attracted to me. But because of the 'all one or the other' principle that seems to be innate and 'hard wired', I dont think this will ever cause a problem

[Anna Talyn]

That is an interesting way to coexist. I am glad to hear it seems to be working for you. It's a perspective I haven't considered before.

[KellyJameson]

Beautiful words Anna

"Birth Gift" is a very powerful meme and I hope it is passed from one to another because that is exactly what it is.

For myself I see now that I have been pulled toward two women, the one that I am and all others that live in the world creating endless conflict between these opposing forces (pulls). For me the pull toward other women was to heal the wounds that I carried from my "woman" (identity) being rejected so I tried to live through them as a second hander much like a parasite seeks a host creating pain for everybody.

For myself I like myself, I'm just not a "guy" (identity) and this comes from a physical brain that cannot express the masculine to the degree necessary for the body I reside in, I can pretend but I can never "become" male minded.

I think balance follows the clarity of understanding that seeing the truth allows.

In many ways I see now that a man "makes" a woman and a woman "makes" a man, they reinforce each others identities if they have an identity that allows for this, I do not and never have but most do.

I do not feel trapped but I do feel limited, but not in my relationship with myself which is boundless, only in my relationship to others.

[Anna Talyn]

Thanks Kelly. I was trying to find a way to express a positive frame of reference.

I see what you mean about limited. That is a great challenge indeed.

[jillleanne]

Life is fleeting too fast..... Personally I'd trade all my perspective to be 20 again....

You can say that again. Go ahead............. say it again. Come on Karren, say it again already!!!