Stopped tormenting myself ....

[Andie Elisabeth]

... and I am back :)

Past twelve days a lot happened. I decided to go off any trans* related website for some time. At least until I'll pass final undergraduate exam which I did on wednesday. My intention to leave all trans* issues behind me for some time was not successful. My own noise took over and all my efforts to focus on studying were useless. I've spent more hours writing in my diary trying to clear my head of my noise than in books. I've written on one day before exam from almost the moment I woke up until 2am in the morning. :yawn: I couldn't fall asleep even with pills that should help me to fall asleep.

But I can say I have let the noise out. I'd like to say that I am not trans* but I am. I am a girl. The only source of confusion about my gender is that incongruency is not constant but comes in waves which vary in time.

To me it's also important that couple of days ago I switched for some paragraphs, later for whole entries, to Czech language, my native :). But I have to be now even more careful not out myself prematurely. Anyhow it feels strange and awesome to go against my fear and write like any girl would (-la, -a etc.).

And I've created myself a timeline how I'll try to proceed. :)

Andrea Elisabeth G.

The only bad thing is that my mom won't be able to attend my graduation ceremony at end of August. :sad:

[Anna Lorree]

I also experience increases and decreases in my level of dysphoria. I am trying to record such changes on a calendar, in order to determine whether a cycle exists or not. Like you, being TS fills my mind with a constant nagging (I liked your description of "noise"), which I simply can't turn off or cover over. It is ALWAYS there.

Anna

Edited to add: Congratulations on passing and your pending graduation!!!

[LeaP]

...I simply can't turn off or cover over. It is ALWAYS there.

Every minute, every thought, every observation, in the responses not given, in the things wanted and not expressed, in the interactions held back, in a hundred things every day watched and not experienced, in not feeling free, and in so many other ways ... It never stops, and with the sense of time passing all the while.

[TerryTerri]

...to leave all trans* issues behind me for some time...

Didn't work for me either, despite repeated, numerous, focused, unfocused, rebellious, conformal, non-conformal attempts to run away from this, Well, it didn't work for me either. Finally resigned myself to my honest reality. There's an old saying, 'to thine own self be true.' For me, I've found it is not an option.

Anyway, just got in a couple of hippie skirts I ordered off of ebay. They fit and are just so darned cute! Don't know why I had to be such a bonehead and fight all this, it is much easier and nicer and fun to just let the heels fit, touch up the mascara and be myself the way I always should have been. Why the hell I'm so rebellious about that is idiotic.

[sandra-leigh]

The "noise" was not kind to me either. Except maybe when I was deep into my work (computers don't care what gender you are.)

Fortunately, in my case, HRT turned the volume way way down. Though, in some respects that made it harder, because now I have those doubts all over again about whether I'm "really" trans or not. Even just today I was wondering how I should know whether the HRT is helping my brain deal with its internal GID, or if instead really the whole thing was actually sexually rooted and now it's quieter because there's so little sex urge left... :confused: