I Ran, But I Could Not Hide . . . .

[Anne2345]

It has been a while since I last posted on this forum. Truth be told, I have had very little, if anything, to write about recently.

Or maybe I have it all wrong. Instead, maybe there has been very little recently that I have been willing to write about, or to even acknowledge (whether it is to myself or others), over the past couple of months.

Either way, I am typically not at a loss for words. I can usually find something to write about, no matter how ridiculous, innocuous, or out there in left field the subject matter may be.

Right now, though, as I type, and as I have considered these words for a while now, I have nothing specifically to write about or to substantively offer the membership. In fact, I have struggled much of late with the words of this “return” post, but to no real avail. As such, please forgive me as I just wing it, and place my thoughts, such that they are, into writing.

Regardless, it’s not that I am without emotions and feelings, because I most definitely suffer all too much for mine. It’s not that I feel empty, because I do not. It’s not that I do not desire support, because I need support as much as anybody else. And it’s not that I shy away from friendship, because I probably need friendship now more than I ever have.

So what gives? What’s the deal with me?

The answer remains elusive, and just out of touch. I can almost see it. I can almost feel it. I can almost taste it. I can almost understand it for what it is. I can almost grasp it, trap it, take ownership of it, and make it my own, except that I just can’t quite get there. It is sooooo close, yet still frustratingly out of reach.

I do know, though, that I was sick and tired of myself before I walked away from the hallowed electronic pages of this forum. I was too obsessed with gender for too long. It was too intense. I had to step away from it, and I had to step away from myself. I just needed away. I just needed to be. I just needed to exist, without more, without thought, without desire, and without emotion.

Of course, we all know the destination of this false path. It circles right back to the point of entry, and it does so mercilessly, efficiently, and with amplification. There is no away. There is no escape. You can run, but you can’t hide. Surprise, surprise, I was neither able to step away from myself, nor able to remove myself from the larger picture.

As a result, I have been no less obsessed with my gender issues during my “time off” than I was before I left. I was hopeful that I could simply turn off some internal switch, and go on a personal vacation from my transgendered mind, thoughts, and emotions. But alas, it simply does not work this way, and it has not worked this way for me.

The thing is, I miss the forum. I miss the membership. I miss the discussions. I miss the support. And beyond all of that, I miss my friends.

I hope that I can again find myself included within this magnificent fellowship, and that I will be invited in as I was before. For whatever it is worth, if it is worth anything at all, I am happy to be back this night. And in the event you all welcome me back with open arms, I very much look forward to our renewed relationship.

Anne :)

[Cindy M]

Welcome back Anne
*Gives You a Big Hug*

[Karinsamatha]

Welcome home Anne!
I understand the feeling of having to step back for a while. I went through something very much like what you describe not to long ago. That was a point that encouraged me to see a gender therapist. It gets better when you talk about it to someone. Isolation serves no purpose but to cut you off from your support.

:hugs:

[whowhatwhen]

Welcome back!


Welcome home Anne!
I understand the feeling of having to step back for a while. I went through something very much like what you describe not to long ago. That was a point that encouraged me to see a gender therapist. It gets better when you talk about it to someone. Isolation serves no purpose but to cut you off from your support.

:hugs:

I'm going to second this, if you aren't already seeing someone it may be a good idea to start.
Posting here can be a relief, but actually talking to someone you trust and being able to open up is miles ahead. LMK If you do find that "TG Thoughts off" button. ;)

[Marleena]

And we missed you too Anne. We welcome you back with open arms!:)

Fighting it is futile... Accept and try to find a balance is all we can do. It takes time.

[Tracii G]

Welcome back Anne seems you have had some time away, hope you found whatever it was you were looking for.

[Tara D. Rose]

Welcome back my hometown friend.

[Kathi Lake]

Welcome back!

As someone who is also taking a bit of a sabbatical, I hear your heart.

Kathi

[Jacqueline Winona]

Welcome back, old friend!

[Barbara Ella]

Welcome back Dear Anne. I know there are times when nothing seems to connect, and the only solution is to step away. You may not have been posting, but your presence was still here, and the only welcome back is to say we missed you and are glad you are here, and the relationships will continue as they were. There is really nothing to be renewed, just a treasured friend choosing to visit again, and being hugged warmly I/we missed your words.

Warm Hugs, Barbara

[KellyJameson]

Welcome back, your feminine touches to the forum were missed

I did not find God when I first went looking, all I found were others opinions of who and what God is and is not.

When I stopped looking toward others and put my trust in God to introduce me to God that is when I took the first step onto my spiritual path that led to God and now I understand others relationship to God because I now have my own and it is very different from others but still the same.

It has been the same when I went looking for myself, the more I looked the less I understood because I was looking for something that was already there so could not be found but only uncovered.

Being TG is in many ways a spiritual reawakening but what has been slumbering is ourselves put to sleep by an unaccepting world, it is a path back to love.

[suzy1]

Anne?……………………..yes, I remember you!

Do you remember me?:)


SUZY :hugs:

[erickka]

Welcome back Anne. You just did what you had to do. We all go through those phases from time to time. I'm glad you are back, and I also missed you as much as everyone else. Hope you can hang out for a while longer!

[Cynthia Anne]

Some times we all need a little ''vacation'' to relax! I don't think you need to give your ''friends'' including ''me'' a second thought! A ''vacation'' can be much needed! But you can't take a vacation without your ''true'' friends sticking with you no matter where you go or how long you're gone! So young lady, the vacation is over! It's time to get back to the ole grind and put the wisdom you have into words that we enjoy so much! Welcome back girlfriend! Hugs!

[gaylegirlify]

Welcome back Anne, i hear your words and find you have voiced something that i feel from time to time and could not find the words to describe it, you are always welcome here i am sure we all need some time out every now and then.

Hugs from Gayle :bighug:

[LeaP]

One never leaves home and comes back again quite the same. What's new, Anne?

[TGMarla]

Hi again, Anne. We all (well, many of us, anyway) take a sabbatical now and again, myself included. Good to see you again.

[bobbimo]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((ANNE)))))))))))))) )))))))))))))))
welcome Back Anne!
This is the place to be!
Bobbi

[Laura912]

It is a comforting place to which one returns...maybe a little addictive? You have lived here longer than I, so it is strange welcoming you to your own place.

[Amanda22]

I missed you and welcome you back. I need my friends here, too. Without this forum, I'd feel very isolated. I don't know that I'll ever be able to fully explain myself or make complete sense of who I am. I'm finding life is more enjoyable if I laugh and not stress over understanding everything.

[Tina B.]

Just goes to show, you can't hide from yourself, because no matter where you go, there you are!
Welcome home Anne, it's about time you got back!
Tina B.

[ronda]

the one thing about a good friend is you can step away for a time to look at your self you were missed but when you are ready to step and be seen again it is like you never left so it is good to see you are back Hugs Ronda

[kimdl93]

All I have to say is "Welcome back, Anne. I missed you."

[Kaz]

Anne, my friend, it is so great to have you back. We all need a break now and again, just so we know where we want to be, and often it is the place we last left... :)

[Lorileah]

Anne, I have had the same thing happen. Most of what I do now I have talked about or I feel that they people here would not really be interested in. I think I have reached a plateau. I hope it is just a plateau and not over the hill though. I am sure things will turn around and soon you will be posting with vigor again. Sometimes we just need a breather right?:hugs:

[Jennifer in CO]

yeah - what she said....

We are all "Popeye" in this world...."I am what I am". The dissertation even gets to Who am I when he proclaims he's "Popeye the Sailor Man". So we all know what we are and we all know who we are. 'Where' can also be added vicariously to the mix because you are where you are and your aren't where you were or haven't gone yet. With those three ground breaking disclosures, why do we need to bother with the other garbage?
Live for the day - be it in your mind, where your going, or where your coming from

Jenn

[docrobbysherry]

I never considered u "gone", Anne. Everyone needs a break now and then. Mine starts this week. See u next month!

[erica2]

Welcome back!
Your absence was noticed, but your presence is FAR more appreciated.

I am Erica2

[Rachel Renee]

Glad to see you're back, Anne! And with a timely post that mirrors much of how I have been feeling lately, too. I can very much relate.

In any event, Welcome Back!!! :)

[Foxglove]

Hi, Anne, and welcome back! It's the thing about TGism, as I've found out for myself: if you don't think about it, you're miserable. But if you do think about it, you never know where it's going to take you. Since I decided I really needed to start thinking about it, it's almost as if I'm possessed. But I like thinking about it a lot better than not thinking about it.

Best wishes, Annabelle

[carhill2mn]

Having read many of your previous posts as well as this one, it seems to me that you spend way too much time and effort thinking, wondering and worrying about your "gender issues", how you think you should feel or act (react?), rather than accepting yourself and enjoying what you have. It is difficult to overestimate how much better one feels after learning to accept that you are who you are. Then it becomes a matter of how do I handle "it".

It is virtually impossible to "explain" or "know" much about this situation that people like us are in. About all we can do is accept it and do the best that we can.

[Foxglove]

Having read many of your previous posts as well as this one, it seems to me that you spend way too much time and effort thinking, wondering and worrying about your "gender issues", how you think you should feel or act (react?), rather than accepting yourself and enjoying what you have. It is difficult to overestimate how much better one feels after learning to accept that you are who you are. Then it becomes a matter of how do I handle "it".

It is virtually impossible to "explain" or "know" much about this situation that people like us are in. About all we can do is accept it and do the best that we can.

But Carole, some people are made this way. We can't any more stop wondering and asking questions about things than we can stop being TG. And the great thing about asking questions is that on occasion you actually find an answer. A moment of bliss when that happens.

Best wishes, Annabelle

[Kate Simmons]

If you are in touch with yourself and your feelings Anne, you never have to hide Hon.:)

[Dawn cd]

There is no "away" and there is no "return." In spite of that, time moves on and we grow.

[Amanda22]

Another thought I had after reading the title of this thread again... perhaps the secret is not to try to hide. As Carole so perfectly suggested, "accepting yourself and enjoying what you have." I have been fixated on the topic of gratitude and vulnerability for months, thanks to the writing of Brene Brown on her website at http://www.ordinarycourage.com/. It has really transformed my pattern of thinking and calmed my mental agitation. It has also quieted the lingering frustration of being transgendered.

[Sara Jessica]

Having read many of your previous posts as well as this one, it seems to me that you spend way too much time and effort thinking, wondering and worrying about your "gender issues", how you think you should feel or act (react?), rather than accepting yourself and enjoying what you have. It is difficult to overestimate how much better one feels after learning to accept that you are who you are. Then it becomes a matter of how do I handle "it".

It is virtually impossible to "explain" or "know" much about this situation that people like us are in. About all we can do is accept it and do the best that we can.


But Carole, some people are made this way. We can't any more stop wondering and asking questions about things than we can stop being TG. And the great thing about asking questions is that on occasion you actually find an answer. A moment of bliss when that happens.

Best wishes, Annabelle

But eventually the answers are revealed as I truly believe many have emerged for Anne. The question is, what will she do with them?

Anne, I'm as glad as everyone to see you are back. My hope is that you are in a place to actually apply some of the wisdom you have accumulated rather than allow it to fuel more introspection. It's time to start looking outward.

[PretzelGirl]

Well Anne, we all need a means to express the feelings we have inside. Some find their ways outside of this forum and some don't if you go away, as you have seen, you still have those thoughts and feelings because they are not a result of this forum but a result of the person you are inside.

So I hope you continue to find peace and happiness here. We sure get some with you around. Welcom back!

[Foxglove]

But eventually the answers are revealed as I truly believe many have emerged for Anne. The question is, what will she do with them?

That's totally up to her.


My hope is that you are in a place to actually apply some of the wisdom you have accumulated rather than allow it to fuel more introspection.

Both are possible simultaneously. And when do you know you've done enough introspection? When you've got the answers to all the questions you've asked, and you can't think of any more questions.

Introspection is not the source of many of our problems in this world. On the contrary, lack of it is. For every one person who is too introspective, you can probably find ten million who aren't introspective enough.

I've always been fairly introspective myself. If I weren't? Well, I would have remained what I was when I was about 15 years old. I'm glad I'm the introspective sort.

Best wishes, Annabelle

[ReineD]

Welcome back Anne! :hugs:

So now that the niceties are out of the way, I'll cut to the chase. :D

Have you been to the gender support meeting yet? How's it going with your wife?

[mbmeen12]

Look hard at my avatar, Inna once said "the path looked so warm" and simular to her life journey. Today I see my path in life (very clear) but you may see/feel something different at different times of the day. The maze we call life, is very unique for each of us. Today the sign your now looking at now reads in our maze of life we call www.crossdressers.com (http://www.crossdressers.com) " YOU ARE HERE!
Kara....

[Sara Jessica]

That's totally up to her.

Really? Doesn't that go without saying?


Both are possible simultaneously. And when do you know you've done enough introspection? When you've got the answers to all the questions you've asked, and you can't think of any more questions.

Introspection is not the source of many of our problems in this world. On the contrary, lack of it is. For every one person who is too introspective, you can probably find ten million who aren't introspective enough.

I have always complimented Anne on her introspection, particularly the fact that she has prepared herself well to take measured steps. In other words, I don't get a sense that she is likely to dive headlong into something gender-related without really thinking it through. But at the same time, I don't have a sense that she will be content being static. Some baby steps have been taken. Some grander desires have been expressed. Advice has been given from many who have been there/done that. My hope that was expressed in my first post is simple, that she is in a place, both mentally and also with full consideration of her relationship, where she can start to grow as the person she is and the one she would like to be.

Anne, I hate it that this might sound as if we're talking behind your back. We're not, you're here. My comments are no different than anything I would express to you if you and I were chatting together over a latte or glass of wine.


Welcome back Anne! :hugs:

So now that the niceties are out of the way, I'll cut to the chase. :D

Have you been to the gender support meeting yet? How's it going with your wife?

Very important questions.

IIRC, Anne may have already gone to one support group meeting.

[dee_kay]

I totally agree about the acceptance side and confronting ones-self about it. Since I've come to accept it as a part of my personality and not something I didn't even want to admit to myself, I've had far less worry and concern about it.

I've even told a couple of close friends, who've been supportive too. The only strange thing I've found is the new acceptance has actually reduced my motivation to cross dress, however I'm also accepting this and I'm sure that the desire will come back round soon.... I think in short what I'm trying to say is confront and it may / may not lose some power over you but at least it helps control it and ensure a clear concince, it isn't and shouldn't need to be a dirty secret! (Not that my parents will ever have any reason or need to know)x

[Claire Cook]

Hi Anne and welcome back -- yes, you have been missed.

I admire those of us who are "regulars" here -- I come and go, and look forward to those times when I can catch up with friends here. I spent part of my life trying to "run and hide" -- not from this site, but from myself. At least for me and others here, I could not run and and hide from what I now know to be part of me. For others, the answer may not be so easy. Maybe the old saying "To thine own self be true?" rings true?

[SarahLynn]

It has been a while since I last posted on this forum. Truth be told, I have had very little, if anything, to write about recently. Or maybe I have it all wrong. Instead, maybe there has been very little recently that I have been willing to write about, or to even acknowledge (whether it is to myself or others), over the past couple of months. ....

I hope that I can again find myself included within this magnificent fellowship, and that I will be invited in as I was before. For whatever it is worth, if it is worth anything at all, I am happy to be back this night. And in the event you all welcome me back with open arms, I very much look forward to our renewed relationship.

Anne :)

Be assured you are most welcome back or as it were a return from a vacation. I too have taken such a vacation and find a visit now and again all i need to catch up and carry on.

Aah Anne lass so now you think you're somehow special? This is as normal as walking, talking, eating, or just being you. How odd you have drifted away from your fem side for a time. We all do. I am at this point in my life drifted so far away i'm beginning to wear tighty-whitey's in cotton no less. I haven't felt the urge to dress fem (other then underdress) for near to 6 months. I'm fair sure for me the cause is due to my unhappiness with my weight and unless i get it under control i know i won't feel fem enough to wear the lovely clothes i have put aside for dressing.

Don't feel lost lady we all go there sometimes. For me the good thing is i have not purged.

SarahLynn

[Anne2345]

I really appreciate all of the kind words that you all have offered me upon my return! I was unsure what to expect, but knowing the good folk and fine people that you all are, I could not imagine it would be anything less than positive and supportive. And disappointed I was not! In fact, just the opposite - I have really been struck by the friendship, the compassion, and the love that has been exhibited within this thread, and the forum on a regularly basis. This is a special place, comprised of a special people, and I am proud to be a member here! It is with regret that I felt a need to take a break, but that had more to do with me than anything else. Regardless, it is good to be back, and I appreciate and love each and every one of you!!!!


One never leaves home and comes back again quite the same. What's new, Anne?

Patience, young Lea! All in due time! A girl can't be expected to divulge ALL of her secrets in the body of one thread, can she? I think not! But know that such posts shall be forth coming in the reasonable near future, such that I deem the suject matter worthy. :heehee:


Anne :)

[darla_g]

its nice to see you around again

[elizabethamy]

Great to see you here, Anne! A circuitous and often revelatory time for me while you were semi-away; now I'm semi-away in moving and such. Have wondered how you were and look forward to chatting again soon. Interesting how the intensity of this gender monster waxes and wanes and waxes again, regardless of intention or action...

...elizabethamy

[steftoday]

I just found this thread, after reading your pedicure post this morning. So there you are!

I was reminded of a famous song lyric:
"you can check out any time you like, but you can never leave..." ;-)