Our world has shifted on it's axis

[gonegirl]

Last weekend my wife unexpectedly discovered me as Mckenzie, on Father's Day no less (oh, the irony). I'm still somewhat in shock, however, I'm also very relieved that the secrecy is over and that I am no longer hiding anything from her. I feel a great burden has lifted from me but I am sorry that my wife is now sharing another burden that she didn't ask for.

The earth didn't stop spinning, as I feared it might, but our world has definitely shifted on it's axis and I don't know what will happen.

For those who care to know, here are the gory details:
I was at home in the afternoon taking self portraits dressed fully en femme while my wife was out with our kids. I lost track of the time and my wife arrived home to find me in all my glory, although I believe that I subconsciously allowed the discovery to happen. I was so badly busted that all I could do was blurt out that I'm transgendered, not gay, love her, want to stay married to her, and I don't want to break apart our family. And please don't let the kids see me! My wife looked at me and it just didn't compute for her - "You're kidding, right?". I apologized for keeping everything from her and said that I wasn't kidding and that something in my brain went off at the end of last year to make me (to a significant degree) identify as female. She said that my makeup looked nice and to go get myself cleaned up why she kept the kids occupied. It was a surreal experience, I'm sure for us both.

That evening my wife and I went on a planned date night and over dinner we talked openly about what this could mean to me and her. She cried and said that she didn't think she could stay married to me if I transitioned to living as a female and I said I understood. I explained that I'm confused about how I feel about myself, about how far I will need to go to express my feminine identity, and that I have been struggling with this since my teens but have kept it buried. She suggested that I see a counselor and I agreed that I'd like to do that. I told her about this forum and how it has been my only form of support and understanding until now and I suggested that she could also get some support and understanding here. I offered to show her the photos of myself that I've posted on this forum but she didn't want to see anything, which I can fully understand as we've been together a long time and her image of me is not one of wearing a dress and lipstick!

My wife is a loving, thinking, and open minded person and this certainly shows by her actions in this crisis, but this is a hugely difficult position for anyone to be confronted with so we agreed to take things slowly for a while and see what happens. We've been getting on really well this past week, not talking much about IT, but today we joked a couple of times about the situation - laughter really is a good stress reliever.

I told my wife that I am writing this post today and I expect that she will read this thread at some point. From you my friends, I welcome any good advice, for both of us. Thank you!

:)

McKenzie.

[Jacqueline Winona]

McKenzie, under the circumstances, you handled it well, especially by telling her about your struggles since teenhood. You're both very clearly in love wit heach other to get this far without any blowups. Just focus on the marriage and family first, then the rest will hopefully fall into place.

[Marleena]

McKenzie if your wife can understand that you have no choice in being transgender it should help. It sounds like you have a wonderful , loving relationship and can work through this. I wish the best for both of you.:)

[Diana Bain]

McKenzie, your wife has a lot to digest if you will. Take it slowly and keep the lines of communication open. I told my my before we were married. It took her along time to understand and now she accepted me as a girlfriend. I wish you and your wife well.

[Bree Wagner]

It sure sounds like you're doing the right things now. As much open and honest communication as you both can handle seems to be the right track.

Good luck!

-Bree

[Tara D. Rose]

Oh my McKenzie, this is sort of bad. I mean it’s good and it’s bad. The ideal way for a wife to find out or to be informed about what it is that you and I and many others do, is for us to come clean long ago when we or you and your wife were dating. And even well past marriage, the right time would always be “NOW. But you made an honest mistake. You were unsure, you were waiting for the right time. I’m sure if you had your time to do over, you would have set her down one day and had a long talk with her long before this discovery. So now as it is, you have a disadvantage of claiming that you had intended to tell her. That part is gone now. But tell her how you always wanted to tell her, but how you were so afraid of losing her if you told her. Only you know how she may feel, for you know her better than anyone here does. For each wife it is different. For some wives ,if they were told at the beginning of a relationship, she could have been more understanding to your cross dressing. But now upon her discovery of your cross-dressing , of which you kept from her, and I know there are hundreds of loving reasons why some cd’s fear not to tell. Some think they are in control to the degree that they can continue to live with this secret for life.

And respectfully speaking, I know you meant well, you love her, and you were confused, you have always wanted to tell her, but something kept you back. I have been there many years ago. Tell her you love her and your children more than anything. Tell your loving wife that you put yourself in last place by way of your family. Tell her how you put your family first above everything else. Humbly apologize for your selfish ways, and of the things you cannot help. Tell her you know you need professional help. Ask her to forgive you, for being what you know you are and how you have fought it all of your life. Ask her to forgive you for being selfish that you didn’t trust her enough to tell her long ago, and how you foolishly thought you could keep it a secret and take great chances and such timely risk’s. Inform her and ask her not to make any drastic decisions by way of the marriage and family and of the love the both of you share with all of your extended family, while in the midst of this shocking unintentional discovery. Tell her how you were so ashamed of your cross dressing, and how proud you were to have your loving wife look up to you as a man, the provider and protector. Let her know that you have made some grave mistakes, out of the love you have for her and for your beloved children.

Give her advice that you both need to go to counseling with a therapist’s that is very well schooled in CD, TG, TS understandings. Your sweet wife is in shock right now. I’m sure that it is for you right now that she is very confused. She is sleeping very little at night, with all of the Jerry Springer social stigmatisms going through her mind.
For many of us, we told our wives from the beginning, or some of us told them a lot later, but on our own terms, mostly brought about by our guilt and knowing that we had a loving obligation to our wives. Some of us tell, and then take it from there. But with your situation, read my words above. Tell her you were wrong. Tell her you wanted to tell her. Tell her not to make any hasty decisions right now. Let’s go to counseling. For she is now feeling that if you have kept this from her all this time, she will be thinking of how you have deceived her for so long, and of how could you be telling her the truth now, only after being discovered????

And with that, she just might not believe anything you are telling her now, and understandably so. This thing you are in was not eased into. It was discovered. Tell her you love her more than anything and how you’d give your life for her and the children, But, only a cd, tg, therapist can help you now , my dear friend.

Keep us updated, I will pray for you.



Tara

[Babeba]

Mckenzie,

There are some positives here, despite the axis being a bit turned. For one, your wife was able to let you know right away what she could not live with (transitioning, fair enough - not a lot of marriages survive that step though sometimes people surprise themselves there.) To me, that is an important step: we all have our limits, and if you can talk openly about what they are and respect them for each other it will help to rebuild trust in your relationship over time.

Another good thing is you and she are still talking about what is what, rather for her to imagine the worst and assume that is what is going on with you. Some people suggest easing into telling (almost) everything, whereas I am all for frank honesty: full answers to questions, and if the answer is a work im progress that is fine - still share the thoughts around it and tell us that is where you are thinking about things. Sometimes our questions help you see things a little different and help it click.

Third positive is: you let her know you have support in us, but that she does also. :hugs: Thank you. (mrs. Mckenzie, if you are reading this, hello! There is a section for us wives and girlfriends that is very private and full of kind, experienced, lovely women, as well as the full forum which you can post in. Your husband also has access to a private forum for those who were born male, and so you don't need to feel you would be taking away his private place by reading and posting on this forum.

Fourth positive: I felt you put a very respectful level of detail into this post; sometimes the 'my wife caught me' posts seem just too full of unflattering detail and if I was that wife I would be uncomfortable to read it online. I feel like you have said what needed to be said in this thread but also showed a base level of respect for your wife which was high enough to indicate you two talk well, communicate on your strengths and have a good rapport. That helps out so much.

[sandra-leigh]

Tell her you love her and your children more than anything. Tell your loving wife that you put yourself in last place by way of your family. Tell her how you put your family first above everything else.

Tara, depending how far someone is along the transgendered spectrum, sometimes it is just not possible for them to put the relationship and family "above everything else", as some degree of transitioning (even if it is just the choice of everyday clothing) might be necessary in order for the person to achieve the balance needed to avoid self-destructing.

I know that I was in quite rough shape when I finally realized I had gender issues at all. If I hadn't faced up to them and acted on them, I would (in all seriousness) probably have asked for voluntary commitment -- I had a lot of trouble even approaching the outside door. Discovering and working through my gender issues to the point of a partial "transition" is what saved me to the point where I could be useful and loving again.

Sometimes one has to concentrate for a while on healing oneself. It is sort of like staying in bed when you are sick, even though that inconveniences everyone: if you don't take care of yourself in a timely manner than you risk degrading to be a much bigger problem.

[Kate Simmons]

Getting to really know ourselves and our feelings is probably the hardest thing most of us will ever do. Now that your wife knows. it's best to keep her in the loop as you discover these feelings. In the long run it will make you a better husband and father Hon.:)

[Marie-Elise]

I was happy to read your original post and am very happy your wife is open minded and cares about keeping the family together as much as you do.

Lately, as I read more and more on this site, I realize that honesty is very important in keeping a marriage, especially one with a husband that likes to dress. I don't think I can add any advice that has not been given here already. However, I will say that being a crossdresser, and admitting it to myself and my wife, has made me love myself more. I have always loved my wife.

[daviolin]

Communication, thats the best medicine in a situation like this. And the joking and laughter is a plus too. Don't expect this to smooth out in a few weeks. It will probally take years. I'm not trying to be gloomy Gus. But its the normal time. I know, been there done that. But on a more positive note, everybody is different. Your wife may come around quicker than most. Just be a loving husband and prove it to her daily. And be the great father your children know. Remember baby steps. and watch out for the pink fog. If your wife gives you a inch, take the inch. Not the mile. I know I used to always overdue when she gave me some space to express my feminime side. I hope all is well McKenzie. I will keep you in my thoughts. Daviolin

[Marlana]

McKenzie,
Wow, what a shock it must have been to get caught off guard by your wife! Happily, she didn't turn and walk out. She stayed and you got to explain what is going on. Good for you to be able to do that. The date night conversation, as uncomfortable as it must have been, was indeed a step forward. My wife has never seen me as Marlana, and doesn't want to. Take her advice and see a therapist/counselor. I wish you the best of luck and hope it works out for all of you. Please let us know how it goes.

[Tina B.]

Sounds like your both doing it right. Hang in there, keep the communications going, and hope for the best.
Tina B.

[jillleanne]

You did about as well as anyone could, particularly under the circumstances. Go slow, communicate, and I suspect all will work out fine. It soulnd like she is open to learning about and understanding a new world. Let her ask questions and give true answers to the best of your ability. Only time will tell.

As a side note, over the years, I have decidely taken certain days of the year as my s/o's days, that is, there are days when I will intentionally NOT be en femme, just for her. One would be Fathers Day.

[Stephanie Michelle]

Mckensie,

You will get a different answer from all who will answer. Its what worked for them but doesn't mean it will work for you an your wife. You know your wife the best. You just need to take what you read here and adapt it to what you think wok work best for you and your wife. It sounds like the worst might be over. Give her time and let her decide on what needs to be next. She also might need to talk to a therapist for an outlet. Although if she will join here I think it is a great resource and it definitely is cheaper than a therapist. lol Good luck and keep talking to her.

[kimdl93]

I have little to add. I think that you're both handling it well. Things need to settle a bit, she has a lot to work through, but being the open minded and loving and thinking person you've described, there's every reason to hope for a positive outcome.

[Kaz]

Wow mckenzie! What an experience. Many thanks for putting in the detail. It is a situation I am sure that we can all relate to, even if it hasn't happened to us. It sounds as if your partner is being positive while digesting all this, and I hope you can both work your way through it. As you said, now the 'cat is out of the bag', you feel a lot of relief, although you will now have an 'elephant in the room' if you don't keep all the lines of communication open and yes... humour is a great healer and allows us to deal with complex and difficult issues. I am sure that is why we have it and why so much humour is 'dark'!

What I would say to both of you is MOVE SLOWLY! You are still the guy she married, albeit you have discovered something about yourself that you didn't realise all those years would be as it is. I was the same... started getting 'curious' in my early teens, and thought it was just that... curiosity. Over the years it kept bubbling up and I put it down to a high sex drive and a fascination with women. Around 6 years or so ago I realised this wasn't going away and was getting to be more important, so I figured I'd have to deal with it.

This site is brilliant though, and I have had the most amazing support from everyone here. I know I am not gay, I know I am not a freak of nature, and whilst I may feel uncomfortable about many of the lifestyle choices some of the 'CD' community make, I am continually understanding me and how I can arrange my lifestyle to keep all my loved ones as happy as I can.

My wife is sort of tolerant as long as she doesn't see any 'evidence' and I bring out Kaz only when she isn't around. She worries that I do less around the house and garden these days, but this isn't me being less 'manly' - I just have other interests that absorb more of my time these days and regard DIY and gardening as a chore!

Keep us posted on your progress. It is is so important that we share our experiences so that we can better understand and deal with this crazy thing we all have in common!

[Brittany CD]

Mckenzie, I can imagine that this would all be shocking considering how sudden it is. I've heard of many relationships being destroyed by the girlfriend/wife discovering the crossdressing, so this scenario went better than most. It does seem like your wife may be alright with you crossdressing, so maybe you can get more Mckenzie time in the future

[gonegirl]

Sorry for taking so long to reply. Wow!, I really appreciate all of your good advice and tremendous support. Thank you!

I am very lucky that things have gone as well as they have and that my wife has been so accepting as she deals with everything. I have discovered that what began as damage control has become an opportunity to share the whole me with the most important person in my life. I'll post updates as things progress - hopefully for the better :)

I'd like to respond to some of your gems of wisdom below.


Just focus on the marriage and family first, then the rest will hopefully fall into place.
Thanks Janice, I'm very happy to have the opportunity to do just that!


Take it slowly and keep the lines of communication open.

As much open and honest communication as you both can handle seems to be the right track.
Thanks Diana and Bree. This is unequivocally sound advice. I'm just letting things progress at her pace.


I’m sure if you had your time to do over, you would have set her down one day and had a long talk with her long before this discovery
Thanks Tara. Yes, I should have talked to her even when I had those initial feelings a long time ago. I wish I could have overcome my fear enough to do that.


.... we all have our limits, and if you can talk openly about what they are and respect them for each other it will help to rebuild trust in your relationship over time.... I am all for frank honesty: full answers to questions, and if the answer is a work im progress that is fine - still share the thoughts around it and tell us that is where you are thinking about things....
Thank you Babeba. I really appreciate your advice and GG perspective.


Getting to really know ourselves and our feelings is probably the hardest thing most of us will ever do. Now that your wife knows. it's best to keep her in the loop as you discover these feelings. In the long run it will make you a better husband and father Hon.:)
Thanks Kate. I agree that facing up to our own feelings is often incredibly hard but once that is done it is much easier to progress in one's life.


I was happy to read your original post and am very happy your wife is open minded and cares about keeping the family together as much as you do.... Lately, as I read more and more on this site, I realize that honesty is very important in keeping a marriage, especially one with a husband that likes to dress.
Thank you Yangstyle. Yes, I have a great partner and she does care incredibly so for our family.


...Remember baby steps. and watch out for the pink fog. If your wife gives you a inch, take the inch. Not the mile.
Thanks Daviolin, I'll be very careful to remember that!


McKenzie,
Wow, what a shock it must have been to get caught off guard by your wife! Happily, she didn't turn and walk out. She stayed and you got to explain what is going on. Good for you to be able to do that. The date night conversation, as uncomfortable as it must have been, was indeed a step forward.
Thanks Marlana. It was the biggest shock of my life (although to an extent I believe I let it happen). I am very lucky that she is open minded and willing to try and deal with everything that has happened.


You did about as well as anyone could, particularly under the circumstances..... As a side note, over the years, I have decidely taken certain days of the year as my s/o's days, that is, there are days when I will intentionally NOT be en femme, just for her. One would be Fathers Day.
Thanks Jillleanne. That's good advice, I do feel particularly bad that this happened on Father's Day.


You will get a different answer from all who will answer. Its what worked for them but doesn't mean it will work for you an your wife. You know your wife the best. You just need to take what you read here and adapt it to what you think work work best for you and your wife.... if she will join here I think it is a great resource and it definitely is cheaper than a therapist. lol.
Thank you Stephanie. You are so right about adapting the advice I've been given to our situation. I'm lucky that there has been an abundance of it here. I do hope she joins the forum at some point as I know she would benefit from it.


....I think that you're both handling it well. Things need to settle a bit, she has a lot to work through, but being the open minded and loving and thinking person you've described, there's every reason to hope for a positive outcome.
Thank you Kim. We are handling it well right now, I just hope that continues as we begin to discuss things more. Thanks for your positivity!


As you said, now the 'cat is out of the bag', you feel a lot of relief, although you will now have an 'elephant in the room' if you don't keep all the lines of communication open.... You are still the guy she married, albeit you have discovered something about yourself that you didn't realise all those years would be as it is....Keep us posted on your progress. It is is so important that we share our experiences so that we can better understand and deal with this crazy thing we all have in common!
Oh my Kaz. Yes, the cat is loose and my elephant is in the living room. I am still the guy she married, but now I'm just sharing all of me. OMG, it is a crazy thing, isn't it?


I've heard of many relationships being destroyed by the girlfriend/wife discovering the crossdressing, so this scenario went better than most. Thanks Katiegal. I know that I'm very lucky.


McKenzie if your wife can understand that you have no choice in being transgender it should help. It sounds like you have a wonderful , loving relationship and can work through this. I wish the best for both of you.:)
Thank you Marleena. I am lucky because she does understand that these are not feelings of choice. Life would be much easier if they were!


....depending how far someone is along the transgendered spectrum, sometimes it is just not possible for them to put the relationship and family "above everything else", as some degree of transitioning (even if it is just the choice of everyday clothing) might be necessary in order for the person to achieve the balance needed to avoid self-destructing.... Sometimes one has to concentrate for a while on healing oneself. It is sort of like staying in bed when you are sick, even though that inconveniences everyone: if you don't take care of yourself in a timely manner than you risk degrading to be a much bigger problem.
Thanks Sandra-Leigh. I know from a previous traumatic experience in my life that nothing else will ever be in balance if I do not take care of our own emotional health.


Sounds like your both doing it right. Hang in there, keep the communications going, and hope for the best.
Thanks Tina. Wilco, and my fingers are crossed!

Thank you again, everyone!

McKenzie