What's happening to me? Ehhh, I'm complicated....

[Jessica86]

A little over a month ago, my wife got laid off when her company folded without notice. :sad: Good news is we have a two month old, so she can spend time at home with him. I also have a three year old, who is daddy's buddy. LOL. Through this time, my wife has been home 24/7 and has loved every minute. She is selling AVON to get extra money for us as I told her I have no problems paying the bills. She does good because of the time she has now to really dedicate to it. This has meant a DRASTIC cut down on the number of times I dress. I used to once or twice a week. I don't dress fully really, just go to sleep in my hair and pink pajamas or something. I don't dress in lingerie or anything crazy. I work at night, so waking up, walking out while she has friends here, would be a bad idea.

I don't mind the cut down, or at least....I thought I didn't. :doh: I talked to my wife, and she wanted Jessica to go out with her on Saturday. That didn't happen because our baby sitter backed out. Again. With my wife home all of the time, something has started happening that even I have noticed. My wife said something the other day, in a positive way, but made me think....here goes the start. She told me, seeing me shopping on ebay for clothes, "You must be really looking for something. Seen you twice on there today," and she teased me. I have been shopping lots more, but that's just the start.

I used to have dreams where I would just be walking in a park with other women or something. Doing silly things like sitting by a fountain, running my hand in the water. I used to dream like that maybe once every month.

Now, since I haven't dressed in....I don't even know how long, I'm having very....VERY erotic dreams almost every night. All of them, when I am dressed up. For example, last night, I had a dream where I was in a club, dancing with other women on stage in a sexy school girl outfit. I would be a liar if I said I didn't love every second of the dream. :daydreaming: Thing is, it is always women I am dancing with/for or doing something with. My wife is always in the dream also, usually a very dominating figure. This may seem stupid, and some may think "What are you complaining about?" It's one of those things where, in the dream, everything is real. It scares me when I wake up and enjoy what I just experienced. My wife knows that I don't plan on transitioning. I do too, but I always think I'm getting closer with a mind set like this. I looked at myself in the mirror this morning, and asked myself again....transition? Quickly, the answer was no again. My wife and I have a very active sex life (as guy/girl) also, and these thoughts just keep returning, even sometimes just right after that.

I'm not sure why I associate these things with transitioning. I'm scared of even the thought of doing that. (No offense to anyone.) I don't know. I just feel bad, even down. :sad: Maybe I am thinking like that because I'm in a drought?

[natacsha]

Hi Jessica! Believe me, I know the feeling. Because you are married with kids, my advice (though easier said than done) is this: it's only a dream(s) and you're over analyzing them. Yes, they're more intense cause that element of your life is temporarily removed so you probably are over compensating and it's showing through your dreams and you're carrying that out into real life.

Wanting to transition because you've danced erotically with women would definitely make being with your wife slightly more complicated...if she even allows it. Relax, realize your place in the world as a husband and father and don't let your thoughts consume you for they will depress you, deactivate you, and trap you.

On the other hand, if you truly feel like transitioning, consider all that you'll lose. Forever. If, at that point, you are still interested....well.

I'm sure you'll be ok once things settle back into place. xoxoxo

[kimdl93]

I suspect the drought is affecting your attitudes and perhaps your dreams to some degree. At the same time, though, you're TG and dress for reasons that go beyond just having fun with your wife. For many of us, the urge to dress does seem to evolve. I don't know if we change, but we begin to see the possibilities. Just getting fully dressed and made up is a pretty big step. Then, literally crossing the threshold - to go out in real life and enjoy life en femme, suddenly a whole new range of possibilities present themselves. And of course, with each step we see ourselves a little differently.

Don't be afraid of this, however. Your wife is on board, you are enjoying this aspect of your life, and its meaningful to you. You're expressing yourself more completely. Lots of us have lived our entire lives on a middle path - out of the closet, but far from considering transition.

[Kathy4ever]

I understand and feel your pain. My wife is home all the time due to alayoff over three years ago. She is not accepting as your wife. As time has gone by I'm having more erotic dreams than I ever had. It is stifling not to be able to do what you want. I've talked a lot in my posts about wearing fem clothing and I do but they are not as colorfull as I would like. I compromise with blacks, blues and some greens. You can tell they are womans but I would luv the purples, reds, oranges, yellows and more spaggeti straps. Something that goes POP.

[Allsteamedup]

When you have small children you have to make compromises.

This is why many young fathers join a support group. It does guarantee you a once-a month, maybe.

Be careful with things like the e-bay shopping. If your wife is spending time earning money, any you spend on Jessica may be seen as something not spent on the children.

So Jessica may have to take a back seat until circumstances improve, but time will always be at a premium with such small children.
And keep your dreams to yourself!

[Jessica86]

Thanks to all who replied. I have been down for a while, but am doing better. My kids and wife come first. I spend money on them first also. I like ebay because I have gotten dresses for 99 cents before because nobody bid. I never buy anything more than 20 bucks off of there. It makes my wife angry that I can find things for that. Anyway, back to the topic. I never thought about this happening due to new possibilities. That's probably what is going on. If I didn't have these dreams like this, then I guess I wouldn't be here on this site. Trying to accept myself has been the hardest challenge I've come up against.